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GOP Rep. Buchanan To Sport The “Other” Type Of Pinstriped Suit?

Former Republican Congressman and present convicted felon, Tom Delay, may soon have a new roommate.

It is being reported by CNN, that Republican Rep. Vern Buchanan may be serving his next term behind bars. The news source has confirmed there are no fewer than four congressional and federal investigations into Buchanan’s business practices, his campaign finances and his alleged attempt to try to stop a witness from talking. They report that “Buchanan’s former business partner says the congressman schemed to launder money from his car dealerships into his campaign coffers, and then tried to get others to cover it up.” The former business partner is Sam Kazran.

CNN reports that at the center of Kazran’s allegations is a cash swap scheme used to finance some of Buchanan’s campaigns. He says employees were forced to write checks, then were reimbursed with cash drawn from Buchanan’s car dealerships. Kazran says,

“It was to a point where I said, ‘Chief, we can’t give you this kind of money. At which point he said, ‘Just run it through the corporation.’  What he said to me was ‘Get people to write a check to the campaign and then pay them back through the corporation.'”

Kazran took his detailed allegations to the Federal Elections Commission (FEC), which was already looking into Buchanan’s campaign finances. The FEC eventually fined Kazran $5,000 in a settlement because he admitted reimbursing employees for campaign contributions. During the FEC probe, Buchanan pushed to settle a lawsuit Kazran had brought against him at the last minute, with a $2.9 million settlement offer from Buchanan. Kazran says Buchanan and his team were trying to force him to lie about Buchanan’s role in the campaign cash scheme in exchange for the nearly $3 million cash settlement. Kazran refused to sign and took the affidavit to federal investigators. Now, CNN has learned that Buchanan is being investigated for attempting to tamper with a witness in a federal investigation.

CNN also reports that in a recent report, released quietly several weeks ago, the Office of Congressional Ethics wrote: “There is substantial reason to believe that Buchanan attempted to influence the testimony of a witness in a proceeding before the FEC in violation” of federal law and House ethics code. Read the OCE’s report on the affidavit (pdf).

Now a full House ethics committee is looking into it. CNN has also learned that the FBI is conducting its own investigation.

In addition, the Office of Congressional Ethics also found “substantial reason to believe” that Buchanan failed to disclose unearned income on his financial disclosure forms from 2007 to 2010. Read the report (pdf).

Republican Rep. Vern Buchanan should call his tailor and instruct him to begin sewing one of those “other” types of pinstriped suits.

Today’s song parody takes a rapid-fire look at Republicans past, present and future. Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

We Didn’t Start The Fire song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFTLKWw542g&ob=av2e

WE DIDN’T START THE LYING

(sung to the Billy Joel song “We Didn’t Start The Fire”)

Ronald Reagan, Larry Craig, Mark Sanford, Tom Delay
Michelle Malkin, Michele Bachmann, “Goin’ with the flow”

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Howard Baker, lack of vision
Spreading Fear, Acting queer, and ole Sixpack Joe

No icebergs, H-Bomb, “Pay for play”, “Hockey Mom”
Landrieu, Hamid Karzai, and that Michael Savage guy

Ivy tower, Van Flein, Tea-bagger party scene
Party of “No”, Tim Pawlenty, Let’s watch Glenn Beck cry

These are G.O.P. liars
Shy away from learning
Keep our stomachs turning
Burning their cross of fire
We watched them light it
And they can’t deny it

Vitter’s fallin’, Ginny Foxx, Boehner and Inhofe
Mitch McConnell, small umbrella, Talking the talk

Spin Zone, Rent to own, Straight martini, Bank loan
Russian view and Pastor Haggard’s flock

Sex crimes, Grassley, John McCain is “Mavericky”
Lining pockets, health care plan, Giuliani, Limbaugh Land

Barrasso, Fake protest, Tom “The Hammer”, Chambliss
Senate race, Lack of grace, and Melvin Martinez

These are G.O.P. liars
Shy away from learning
Keep our stomachs turning
Burning their cross of fire
We watched them light it
And they can’t deny it

Loaded Glock, SarahPAC, Sam Alito, Johnny Mack
Jindal, Right to die, Tripp’s father is Levi

Pentagon, Border wall, We must deport them all
Bed-wetters, genocide, No assisted suicide

Bush’s folly, Torture, Dick Cheney, Blackwater
Hate groups, Castro, John Ensign and his ‘ho

First Dude, Hannity, Mann Coulter and O’Reilly
Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Sarah Palin’s “Sixpack Joes”

These are G.O.P. liars
Shy away from learning
Keep our stomachs turning
Burning their cross of fire
We watched them light it
And they can’t deny it

Kay Bailey, Muslims, K Street is full of bums
Villains, Pearlman, Iraqi Invasion

Health reform hysteria, Sarah Palin mania
Shameless G-Men, War in Afghanistan

Ron Paul, Airport sex, They don’t want no litmus test
Kneel and pray, Always “nay”, Can’t get married if you’re gay

These are G.O.P. liars
Shy away from learning
Keep our stomachs turning
Burning their cross of fire
We watched them light it
And they can’t deny it

Birth control, Lives of sin, They like folks that have white skin
Buckshot, Dow stock, Loud mouthed chicken-hawks
Takin’ Bacon, Palestine, Palin is no friend of mine
Now they have nukes in Iran, Couldn’t stop the Taliban

Makin’ fortunes, Soldiers die, Did we mention Glenn Beck cried?
Foreign debts, Homeless vets, Exposed by three jets
We voted them out the door, Now they’re just a mouse that roars
Spider holes and unjust wars, I can’t take them anymore.

These are G.O.P. liars
Shy away from learning
Keep our stomachs turning
Burning their cross of fire
We watched them light it
And they can’t deny it
(repeat chorus to fade)

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BREAKING NEWS: Nudist Teapublican Senator Scott Brown Was Buggered!

Scott Brown chuckles during his "60 Minutes" interview.

Sometimes you just have to wonder what inspires  people to reveal personal things. It was just over a year ago that the Tea Party claimed its first election victory at the federal level. In the special election to fill the late Ted Kennedy’s Massachusetts Senate seat, the Sarah Palin-endorsed Scott Brown upset the heavily favored Martha Coakley and a Republican was elected in that bluest of blue states for the first time in decades.

Brown immediately became the poster child for the defeat of the Democrats’ health care reform legislation (despite the fact that he voted in favor of the passage of the very same law while he was a Massachusetts state representative just 4 years earlier). He failed. The Democrats passed the health care reform law despite Brown’s so-called “41st vote” by means of utilizing the reconciliation procedure. Brown’s status continued to decline within conservative circles when he shunned appearing with Sarah Palin at her Boston Tea Party rally. Thereafter, he really started pissing-off the Tea Baggers when he began voting with Democrats on a job creation bill and the sweeping financial regulation package. Scott Brown’s star was fading in Republican circles.

No longer was Scott Brown one of the “go-to” guys for a Fox News soundbyte. All talk of a future Republican bid for President had ceased. The Republican Senate leadership even unceremoniously evicted him from Ted Kennedy’s cushy Capitol office space and banished him to a cubby-hole in a separate building. Jeesh, what does a former Tea Party star have to do to get some attention in the Beltway?

Let’s see. He could get involved in a sex scandal like fellow Republicans David Vitter, Larry Craig, Mark Sanford, Mark Foley or John Boehner (pronounced “boner”). But no, that would be too predictable and stale these days. Wait a minute, he could take the opposite approach. He could play the role of a victim of a sexual predator.

And voila! Scott Brown has just injected himself back into the public spotlight by revealing in an interview with CBS‘ “60 Minutes” that he was sexually abused at the age of 10. CNN reports today that he said,

“Fortunately, nothing was ever fully consummated so to speak. It was certainly, back then, very traumatic. “He [the perpetrator] said, ‘If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you. I’ll make sure nobody believes you,'”.That’s the biggest thing. When people find people like me at that young vulnerable age that are basically lost. The thing that they have over you is that that they make you believe no one will believe you.”

The Boston Globe reports that the perpetrator was a male camp counselor and some of the details will be provided in Brown’s autobiography which will be released on Monday. Brown said that the molestation took place on Cape Cod at a religious camp. He did not however, disclose the name of the camp in his book, or the denomination.

“I can remember how he looked, every inch of him: his long sandy, light brown hair; his long, full mustache; the beads he wore; the tie-dyed T-shirts and the cutoff jeans, which gave him the look of a hippie,” Brown writes in the book, “Against All Odds.”

The Boston Globe further reports, Brown said the abuse occurred when he went to the camp infirmary, not feeling well. The counselor followed him into the bathroom, according to Brown’s account.

“I was standing there with my pants down and he came right up next to me and asked me if I needed help, and then he reached out his hand,” Brown writes, continuing with a graphic description of the encounter.

In his book, Brown says the incident with the counselor was not the first time he faced a potential sex abuser. In an earlier episode Brown describes, when he was about 8 and living in Malden, MA, he befriended a 13-year old boy from the neighborhood. Late one winter afternoon, the friend approached Brown in the woods, threatened him with a knife, and commanded Brown to perform a sexual act, according to Brown’s account. Feeling desperate, Brown says, he hit the teenager in the face with a rock and ran away.

“To this day,” the senator writes, “I can still see the flash of that knife blade in the woods and the thirteen-year-old boy with his pants down.”

Brown claims that he had never revealed the attacks until this interview. You have to wonder if the episodes had any influence on his past nude modeling. Too bad “60 Minutes” did not enquire into that.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Centerfold song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqDjMZKf-wg&playnext=1&list=PL9B0677232540092C

SCOTT BROWN IS THE CENTERFOLD

(sung to the J. Geils Band song “Centerfold”)

C’mon !
Does he walk? Does he talk?
Is he G.O.P.?
Scott Brown’s a Men’s Room angel
Larry Craig would share his seat

His buns are white like snowflakes
No underwear to stain
He poses like a sweet angel
Naked but with no brain

This sad guy loves posing in those porno magazines
He’s like a nudist angel and he’s pimping out his teens

(CHORUS)
He must be cold
A naked man if truth be told
That Scott Brown is the centerfold
Scott Brown is the centerfold

He must be cold
A naked man if truth be told
Scott Brown is the centerfold

Nude behind his Senate desk
This girlie man should be in a dress
Can he see that Larry Craig
Is giving him the eye

He is naked but for shoes
Much too indecent for the news
You must wear clothes on TV
They told that Scott Brown guy

Wear diapers like Dave Vitter
They do not cover  much
Or simply wear a negligee
That would be a nice touch

(CHORUS)
He must be cold
A naked man if truth be told
That Scott Brown is the centerfold
Scott Brown is the centerfold

He must be cold
A naked man if truth be told
Scott Brown is the centerfold

(na, na, na, na, na, na…..)

It’s okay we understand
Scott’s nudity should not be banned
But while prancing on the Senate lawn
We wish he would keep his clothes on

Take his truck, Yes he will
He’ll take that truck and drive it
He says the cab has lots of room
For his ass and his private

He says that his bod’s really ripped
He loves it when his clothes are stripped
Oh, no, Scott can’t deny it
Oh yeah, it’s time for him to diet!

(CHORUS)
He must be cold
A naked man if truth be told
That Scott Brown is the centerfold
Scott Brown is the centerfold

He must be cold
A naked man if truth be told
Scott Brown is the centerfold

(REPEAT)

Glenn Beck And Child Pornography? Who Knew?

Watching Glenn Beck’s mental stability deteriorate before our very eyes is like viewing the aftermath of a terrible car accident. It is disgusting and revolting yet somehow simultaneously compelling. The gore and stench is vomit-inducing, yet we continue to bear with it so that we can viscerally experience the full ugly scene. Nevertheless, when the carnage and debris is finally carted away, the spectacle is quickly forgotten and we resume our daily lives. Let’s hope that is the way that the Glenn Beck meltdown plays out. It will be best for America if Glenn Beck is remembered as a momentary disaster from which most of us emerged unscathed.

Fox News should someday be embarrassed by the fact that it marketed Glenn Beck as a serious voice in the realm of political discourse. This raving, crying man-baby should never have been offered the opportunity to broadcast his uber-conservative conspiracy theories to the nationwide masses without prefacing each show with one of those “The views and opinions of Glenn Beck should in no way be considered as representative of those of a sane person” disclaimers. After all, his college career lasted all of one course. Not one year or one semester mind you, ONE COURSE. If that were not enough to disqualify him from being considered a qualified news source, consider his multiple marriages and confessed drug and alcohol addiction as an indication of his lack of self control and commitment. Beck is also the guy who went on national television and reported that President Obama has “a deep-seated hatred for white people.” He is clearly unhinged and the “hatred for white people” comment initiated a massive and continuing advertiser boycott of his program.

During the last week, Beck’s witch-hunt has been directed at billionaire George Soros, the straw-man demon of all conservatives. Soros of course, is the Jewish Holocaust survivor,  businessman and notable philanthropist focused on supporting liberal ideals and causes. He played a significant role in the peaceful transition from communism to capitalism in Hungary and provided Europe’s largest-ever higher education endowment to Central European University in Budapest. In the United States, he is known for donating large sums of money in an effort to defeat President George W. Bush’s bid for re-election in 2004. He was an initial donor to the Center for American Progress, and he continues to support the organization through the Open Society Foundations. He contributes to such fact-checking and political myth debunking entities as MoveOn.org and MediaMatters.org.

By virtue of his philanthropy and liberal agenda, George Soros is considered a dangerous enemy by Fox News as a whole and Glenn Beck in particular. So how does Beck counter Soros? Easy, he does it by lying and twisting the laws of physics in such a way that he labels the Jewish Holocaust survivor as an anti-semitic Holocaust collaborator. Beck went so far as to suggest that Soros helped “send the Jews” to “death camps” during the Holocaust. Beck said that Soros had “to go and confiscate the property of your fellow Jews” during the Holocaust.

Becks blatantly false accusations against Soros led to widespread condemnation from prominent Jewish leaders and Holocaust survivors. Anti-Defamation League national director Abraham H. Foxman called the comments “completely inappropriate, offensive and over the top,” as well as “unacceptable” and “horrific.” Elan Steinberg, vice president of the the American Gathering of Jewish Holocaust Survivors and Their Descendants, called the Beck accusations “monstrous.” And Simon Greer, president of the Jewish Funds for Justice, said that Beck had “deliberately and grotesquely mischaracterize[d]” Soros’ experience and engaged in “a form of Holocaust revisionism.”

Truth be told, Soros was thirteen years old in March 1944 when Nazi Germany occupied Hungary. Soros worked for the Jewish Council, which had been established during the Nazi occupation of Hungary to forcibly carry out Nazi and Hungarian government anti-Jewish measures. Soros later described this time to writer Michael Lewis:

The Jewish Council asked the little kids to hand out the deportation notices. I was told to go to the Jewish Council. And there I was given these small slips of paper…It said report to the rabbi seminary at 9 a.m….And I was given this list of names. I took this piece of paper to my father. He instantly recognized it. This was a list of Hungarian Jewish lawyers. He said, “You deliver the slips of paper and tell the people that if they report they will be deported.”

In 1944, at age 14, Soros lived with and posed as the godson of an employee of the Hungarian Ministry of Agriculture. On one occasion, the official was ordered to inventory the remaining contents of the estate of a wealthy Jewish family that had fled the country. Rather than leave the young George alone in the city, the official brought him along. Soros was merely a young boy attempting to stay alive by hiding his identity. He never confiscated any property. He was merely a bystander on that one occasion.

When Glenn Beck finally realized what a firestorm of contempt he had ignited with his false accusations, he immediately went on the defensive. He concocted a brand new fictitious conspiracy in which he claims that he will be falsely accused of something of which he is not guilty (or is he?) as a means of liberal revenge. He said this on his radio program:

“I thought about this morning as I was saying my prayers this morning, and I was reading Psalms, I thought to myself, ‘I’m glad my children will always know the truth.’ And I thought of all the things they could possibly say—the greatest thing I have going for me is I have no lies in my life. I don’t have lies in my life. I— I— I—I—I’m—I pay my income tax. I—I—I pay my bills. I’m honest in all of my business dealings. I try to be a good guy. I’m not always a good guy. I try to be a good guy. I try to be a good parent. I—I don’t drink; I don’t take drugs. I—uhh—you know—I’m not—I’m not into ch—I’m not even into—I was going to say I’m not into child pornography. I’m not only not into child pornography, I’m not into pornography. So, no matter what you read about me—no matter what you read about me, umm, in the coming months, or whenever, that’s fine. I really—I mean—I can’t imagine what they’re gonna—but they have to say something. There has to be something fabricated about me. Has to be! You just can’t let this juggernaut go as we’re changing everything because I’m rolling dude heavy.”

Hey Glenn, just because you are paranoid does not mean that they are not out to get you! But jeesh, child pornography? What’s up with that? Sounds to us like maybe you are already setting up some sort of alibi. Why is it that with ultra-conservatives it always comes down to some sort of illicit sex scandal? You know, like “Diaper” Dave Vitter and his prostitutes, Larry “Loo” Craig and his foot tapping men’s room escapade, Mark Sanford “and Son” and his South of the Border soirees and Sarah Palin and her sex-targeted children just to name a few? But child pornography, Glenn? How low can you go?

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

The Fool On The Hill song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KXrrh74wTs&feature=related

THE FOOL WHO KNOWS NIL

(sung to the Beatles song, “The Fool On The Hill”)

Day after day
He gives us a chill
Glenn Beck is crying again
Let’s watch his eyes start to fill

And nobody wants to know him
They can see that he’s just a fool
And he has not one good answer
Beck’s the fool who knows nil

George Soros stares him down
And Glenn’s face grows bright red
As his head spins around

Glenn’s head today,
Filled up with sound
Beck’s head hears a thousand voices
Screaming nonsense so loud

Everybody wants to jeer him
For the weeping that he does fake
Yet Glenn never seems to notice
Beck’s the fool who knows nil

He’s a dim-witted clown
In need of some strong meds
Beck’s off to crazy-town

(musical interlude)

And nobody seems to like him
It looks like he’s back on the booze
Or maybe he’s back drug dealing
Beck’s the fool who knows nil

He’s beginning to drown
And his sponsors have fled
Soon he’ll be not around

Oh, round, an’ round, an’ round, an’ round, an’ round
Nobody listens to him
They know that he’s a fool
They don’t like him
The fool who knows nil

He’s beginning to drown
And his sponsors have fled
Soon he’ll be not around

Oh, round, an’ round, an’ round, an’ round
Oh …

Sarah Palin, The Alleged Philanderer Endorses Nikki Haley, The Alleged Philanderer

My goodness, things just keep getting crazier and crazier regarding Alaska’s former ex-quitting Governor. In the last month alone, Sarah Palin has split with her own Republican Party by means of endorsing two G.O.P. disfavored Tea-Bagger candidates, one of whom has been exposed as a raving racist. She embarressed herself on Fox News’ Hannity program by showing that she had no idea who the candidates were in last week’s Pennsylvania elections. Ms. “Drill Baby, Drill” then made a fool of herself by alleging that it is the Democrats and not the Republicans that are in bed with Big Oil. And now she has endorsed a candidate that has allegedly been involved (like herself) in an adulterous affair. Sarah Palin is now officially as mainstream as a three dollar bill.

The educationally challenged Palin has endorsed Republican Nikki Haley in the South Carolina gubernatorial race. Problem is, Haley has been accused by a certain Will Folks of having had “an inappropriate physical relationship” with him. This is particularly humorous when one remembers that South Carolina’s present disgraced Governor, Republican Mark Sanford also had an illicit extra-marital affair. It also begs the question as to whether any Republican, either male or female, can keep their pants on long enough to serve a full term in office.

Of the endorsement, Palin posted this on her Facebook page:

When Nikki and I held her endorsement rally on the steps of the beautiful and historic South Carolina state house last month, I warned her and her family that she would be targeted because she’s a threat to a corrupt political machine, and she would be put through some hell. [D]on’t let some blogger make any accusation against your Nikki if the guy doesn’t even have the guts or the integrity to speak further on such a significant claim.

Hot on the heel of this week’s other revelation that Indiana Congressman Mark Souder has had to resign his seat as the result of an adulterous affair, let’s have a look at all those other philandering Republicans of late. Ronald Reagan, Newt Gingrich, John McCain, David Vitter, Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Rudolph Giuliani, Ted Haggard, Bob Allen, Glenn Murphy, Jr., John Ensign, Sarah Palin (maybe), Mark Sanford, Paul Stanley, Mike Duvall, Mark Souder… and now Nikki Haley.

Is it just me or does anyone else feel the need to take a shower after shaking the hand of a Republican?

Please be sure to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl) song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-tRXewCAmU

SARAH (YOU’RE A FINE GIRL)

(sung to the Looking Glass song “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)”)

(doo da in doo da da), (doo da in doo da da)

There’s a town not far from Bristol Bay
With strip malls, both near and far away
Lonely oil guys go the Wasilla way
And live in motor homes

And there’s a girl in this forlorn town
One time, she wore a pageant crown
They say “Sarah, please put that gun down”
She knows she’s just a punch-line

The oil guys say “Sarah, you’re a fine girl” (you’re a fine girl)
“What a good Prez you would be” (such a fine girl)
“Not here, but maybe somewhere overseas”
(doo da in doo da da), (doo da in doo da da)

Sarah, sports a beehive mane
And some rimless glasses but she has no brain
A locket that bears the name
Of the man that Sarah loves

He came on a winter’s day
On board his gas-powered sleigh
What he saw in her, Todd couldn’t say
Cuz he was drunk since he left home

The First Dude said “Sarah, you’re a fine girl” (you’re a fine girl)
“What a good wife you would be” (such a fine girl)
But it’s booze, snow-machining and pornos for me
(doo da in doo da da), (doo da in doo da da)

But Sarah looked into his eyes
And she took an inventory
She could feel something on him rise
Then she saw his morning glory
She said “To hell with abstinence!”, Lord, she jumped on that sad-sack
And before she could say “Stop!”, she had Track.
(doo da in doo da da), (doo da in doo da da)

Todd, had a loaded pistol
Sarah gave birth to a daughter,  Bristol
She too had an ac-ci-den-tal
And now you hear her say…

You hear her say “Mama, you’re a fine girl” (you’re a fine girl)
“Two peas in a pod aren’t we” (such a fine girl)
“But Ya Betcha we have a screwed-up family”
(doo da in doo da da), (doo da in doo da da)

“Sarah, you’re a fine girl” (you’re a fine girl)
[FADE]

“What a good Prez you would be” (such a fine girl)
“No not here, but maybe somewhere overseas”

Monday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 38

Just a few noteworthy news satellites that have been careening around the blogosphere this week…

BREAKING NEWS: This week’s edition of “Did Somebody Actually Vote For This Guy?” features Tea-Bagger favorite Rand Paul who won the Kentucky Republican Senate primary election last Tuesday. After his victory, not only did we learn that he is a racist that would like it to be legal for private businesses to discriminate, but then he defended BP and called President Obama “un-American” for his tough stance against the oil spill culprit. Let’s get this straight, it is un-American to hold a British foreign corporation liable for causing potentially the most devastating environmental disaster in US history and then trying to shift the blame elsewhere? Heck, then it must have been really, really, really un-American for the founding fathers to declare war on those same British merely for taxing our tea bags!

THIS JUST IN: This week’s edition of “Don’t let The Facts Get In The Way of A Good Story” features the “Turd Blossom” himself. Karl Rove, former President George Bush’s top adviser, while hawking his new book this week, declared that Bush “never allowed” staffers to call their opposition “disparaging labels,” or “question their motives“. His words…

President Bush, for example, never allowed a White House staffer or administration spokesman to go out and do what this administration and our predecessor routinely did — that is to engage in calling the leaders of the opposition party disparaging labels and question their motives.

Oh really Karl? How about in your 2007 speech when you directly challenged the “motives” of your political opponents when you implied that Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) intentionally used rhetoric that would endanger American soldiers? You said,

Let me just put this in fairly simple terms: Al Jazeera now broadcasts the words of Senator Durbin to the mideast, certainly putting our troops in greater danger. No more needs to be said about the motives of liberals.

Or how about when you questioned the patriotism of candidate Barack Obama for not wearing a flag pin when neither were you? Rove, you are a putz!

BREAKING NEWS: The good news of the week is that the Gulf Oil spill may be only 19 times greater than what BP originally told us.

THIS JUST IN: When moonbat crazy Republican Senator Michele Bachmann of Minnesota says, “No New Taxes” she means it. It was revealed this week that Bachmann “The Birther” has neglected to pay the property taxes owed on her million dollar home.

BREAKING NEWS: This week’s edition of “Your MySpace Page Said What?” features former Rand Paul campaign spokesperson Chris Hightower who’s MySpace page in 2008 said “Happy Nig_ _ r Day!!!” and featured a photo of a hanging man. Don’t believe me?

‘Nuff said about Rand Paul and friends.

THIS JUST IN: This week’s edition of “Meet The Press” features Tea-Party darling and Republican nominee for Kentucky’s US Senate seat, Rand Paul. Oops, wait a second…what’s that? Rand Paul has just canceled his scheduled appearance on Meet The Press this morning? Why would he do that? Isn’t this the honeymoon period after his election victory on Tuesday?

BREAKING NEWS: This week’s edition of “Oops, I Did It Again” features Indiana’s conservative Congressman Mark Souder who resigned this week after it was revealed that he has been carrying on an extramarital affair with a staff member. We thought that type of behavior was mandatory to be a member of the Republican Party. Let’s look at our ever growing list of philandering Republicans:

Ronald Reagan, Newt Gingrich, John McCain, David Vitter, Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Rudolph Giuliani, Ted Haggard, Bob Allen, Glenn Murphy, Jr., John Ensign, Sarah Palin (maybe), Mark Sanford, Paul Stanley, Mike Duvall and now…Mark Souder.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

The Addams Family television theme  song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVRX_5tGOlo&feature=related

THE HORNY G.O.P.

(sung to the television theme song “The Addams Family”)

They’re creepy and they’re horny
Their dialect is corny
Morality is phony
The shady G.O.P.

If you’re in a museum
It’s real easy to see ‘em
With pants down to their knees’m
The dodgy G.O.P.

(Cheat)
(Beat)
(Their meat)

They always get their ball on
And that’s the sword they fall on
Another gal to crawl on
The horny G.O.P.


Today Is Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off’s First Birthday!!!

What began as a fun little pastime has blossomed into a year’s worth of blogging. In December of 2008 yours truly was recovering from knee surgery and as a means to fight the boredom of the passive motion machine, I  started perusing the comment sections of various blogs that I happened upon. Soon thereafter, I too began leaving comments of a political nature. Then, to have some fun, I began to post a few political song parodies based upon 1960’s and 1970’s television theme songs. Eventually I began to spend most of my time on a blog known as The Mudflats because I enjoyed the numerous posts about Sarah Palin.

By the early Spring  my comments were solely of the musical kind. To be honest however, my frequent postings seemed to annoy a number of The Mudflats‘ readers who desired more prose than poems. At that point the Mudflats‘ administrator suggested that I start a blog of my own (probably to get rid of me). The idea sounded great but impossible for this computer challenged scribe. I did not even know what the word blog meant (by the way, I still don’t). Thankfully, the friendly neighborhood Mudflats administrator held my hand and walked me through the process of creating what you are reading today. I remain forever thankful.

Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off debuted on May 13, 2009. Nobody noticed. Little by little however, the readership increased. the increasing traffic encouraged me to carry on. The task was made easier by Sarah Palin’s ever escalating shenanigans over last Summer and Fall. Palin and her crazy family were simply spoon-feeding material to comment upon. In fact, she provided so much material that I ran out of television theme songs. Consequently, I was forced to venture into the world of popular music for the song parodies. Although the pop music world seemed to unveil a limitless number of songs it also made the task of parody more difficult. You see, pop songs are a lot longer and have way more lyrics than television theme songs. Somehow we persevered and here we are today celebrating our first birthday.

I thank each and every one of you for stopping by over the last 12 months. I would especially like to thank those that leave a comment now and again. Those comments provide a sense of worthiness as well as new material for later posts. Once again, I thank all of you.

Today’s song parody is autobiographical in nature and explains the purpose of this blog.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

I Write The Songs song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-fev20voMc

I WRITE THE SONGS

(sung to the Barry Manilow song “I Write The Songs”)

I sling the jive whenever,
I sit down and scribble a song
I put the words and Republicans together
I love music,
And I love these songs

I write the songs that I hope you folks sing
I write the songs to dethrone G.O.P. kings
I write the songs that expose all their lies
I write the songs, I write the songs

I’m from a state that’s deep blue,
And we make a damned good lobster roll
No, there aren’t many right wing guys
There’s some but then, all of them are very old

I write the songs that attack the right wing
I write the songs that I hope linger and sting
I write the songs that prompt Glenn Beck to cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

Oh, I’ll take a hostile stance
When Limbaugh begins to rave and rant
And I’ll lead you to a poll, he can’t disprove
Palin has no heart,
So, I will tear her life apart
Hannity, Coulter too,
Also, too, O’Reilly
None of them can hide from me !!!

I write the songs about Mark Sanford’s flings
I write the songs about Larry Craig’s stings
I write the songs about Mark Foley’s guys
I write the songs, I write the songs

I write the songs about Joe Wilson’s slings
I write the songs of Vitter’s diapery things
I write the songs about all of those guys
I write the songs, I write the songs

I love music, so I write these songs


Scott Brown Says, “Let ‘Em Eat Beefcake”

Scott Brown's Senate campaign poster

After a stripper has removed all of his/her clothing, he/she has nothing left to entertain the audience. That is precisely the predicament that the newly elected Republican Senator from Massachusetts now finds himself in. When Scott Brown emerged on the political scene last November, the only thing most Bay State voters knew about him was that he posed nude for a centerfold spread a few years earlier. Other than that dubious distinction, there was nothing else anybody knew about him. He had no issue to call his own.

Enter the Tea-Baggers. When the Tea Party realized that Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat was open, they saw an opportunity to put the final nail in the coffin of health care reform. What better way to defeat the Democratic bill than to take away the 60th filibuster-proof Democratic vote and simultaneously elect a Republican in liberal Massachusetts and to Ted Kennedy’s own seat to boot? Consequently, they rallied behind Brown and flooded the Commonwealth with out of state money.

Scott Brown took the bait and the money also, too. He quickly took up the Tea-Bagger anti-health-care-reform mantra. His campaign slogan became, “I will not be the 60th vote in favor of health care reform, but the 41st vote against it”. For the next two months of the shortened special election campaign, Brown spoke only about his opposition to health care reform. For some unknown reason, the voters did not question the fact that while he was a state senator in 2006, Brown actually voted in favor of Massachusetts’ much more liberal health care reform law which became the actual model for the Democrats’ national reform bill. Nevertheless, Brown won the election on that single issue.

That issue-based victory however, may cost Scott Brown his next election in 2012 (there were only two years remaining in Kennedy’s term when he died). The first vote that he recorded as a Senator was a vote in favor of a Democratic Party sponsored jobs bill that was vehemently opposed by most Republicans and all Tea-Baggers. Next, the House of Representatives elected to pass the Senate version of the health care reform bill, thereby depriving the Republicans (and specifically, Scott Brown) from using their coveted 41st vote to defeat the bill by means of filibuster. In other words, Scott brown defied his base with the jobs bill vote and then never had the opportunity to appease them with his 41st vote against health care reform.

The health care reform bill is now law. Scott Brown lost the war on his only conservative issue. He was a one-trick pony and his horse has now gone out to pasture. The Tea-Baggers will now deem the nudist to be expendable because not only did he defy them on the jobs bill, but he is also considered to be somewhat of a social liberal (he is pro-choice and in favor of gay unions). Simply speaking, the Tea Party no longer needs Scott Brown nor do they favor his social liberalism (which he needs to be elected in Massachusetts). Consequently, they will not fill his coffers in the next election. Additionally, the Democrats received a wake-up call with Brown’s election and they will be geared up to regain their seat in 2012. Scott Brown’s last bit of clothing was his opposition to health care reform.  That shred of costume is now lying on the stage floor. Scott Brown is naked once again, the music has stopped and now his performance is over.

CONGRATULATIONS !

Congratulation are once again in order for the Boston College men’s ice hockey team which defeated Yale University yesterday by a score of 9 – 7 and will now advance to the Frozen Four. This will be the ninth time in the last thirteen years that the Eagles have reached the Frozen Four. The Eagles will face Miami of Ohio in their next game. Good luck, Eagles. Let’s bring home our 4th national title!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody. Enjoy!

Downtown song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUSYb3igXzI

SCOTT BROWN

(sung to the Petula Clark song “Downtown”)

If Mass. is your home
And you are full of baloney,
You must surely be – Scott Brown
You have your worries,
With no clothes in snow flurries
You’re a nudist boy – Scott Brown

You’re popular in the woods but were voteless in the city
Your term is only two years Scott, and isn’t that a pity?
You’re sure to lose

You’ve got some Mitt Romney hair
But it grows down on your buttocks, we’ve seen when you’re bare, and so
Scott Brown – politics of hate when you’re
Scott Brown – voted right out the door
Scott Brown – private life’s waiting for you
(Scott Brown, Scott Brown)

Don’t wear a frown
As the Tea-Baggers surround you
They are friends not foes – Scott Brown
The “Party of No”
Is just the place that they go to
Where their hatred grows – Scott Brown

Just charm them with the rhythm of your naked bossanova
They’ll be bare-assed with you too before the night is over
Happy again

They’ll take off their underwear
Then they’ll forget all their troubles, forget all their cares like you,
Scott Brown – not erudite or bright
Scott Brown – every nudist’s delight
Scott Brown – you’re gonna be alright now
(Scott Brown, Scott Brown, Scott brown)

(Scott Brown, Scott Brown)

And you might find that your behind will help ingratiate you
With Larry Craig who loves the view and has a gentle hand to
Guide you along

And maybe you’ll see him bare
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares dear bro
Scott Brown – get right down on all fours
Scott Brown – don’t wait a minute more
Scott Brown – Larry Craig’s waiting for you

Scott Brown (Scott Brown) Scott Brown (Scott Brown)
Scott Brown (Scott Brown) Scott Brown (Scott Brown)
(repeat and fade out)

Good Grief, Scottie Brown Is A Lot Like Charlie Brown

In retrospect, the best thing that could have happened for the progressive cause might have been the surprising election of Republican nudist Scott Brown in last January’s special election to fill Ted Kennedy’s Massachusetts Senate seat. Scott Brown was an entirely unknown “birther” conspiricist until the Tea-Baggers donned him their poster child for change. Out of state money flooded into Massachusetts and Brown’s momentum begin to mount. He defeated the Democratic Party nominee Martha Coakley (the incumbent Attorney General) but things have gone downhill for Brown, the Republicans and the conservative movement since that high-water mark (perhaps that was a poor analogy since Boston is presently being flooded by massive rain and historically high tides). Nevertheless, consider these facts.

In his very first Senate vote, Brown split with conservative Republicans first by breaking a G.O.P. filibuster and then by joining Democrats in voting for the passage of a jobs bill that was opposed by conservatives. Suddenly, Brown’s status as the “savior of the right” was “stripped” (pun intended) by lunatic right-wing pundits such as Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Mann Coulter and Michelle Malkin. The oft dreamed about Brown/Palin ticket for 2012 was now in question since the mindless, follow their leader “ditto-heads” and “Tea-Baggers” were angered by the nude upstart’s rejection of their marching orders.

Throughout his Senate campaign and immediately upon his election, Brown proudly declared that he “would be the 41st vote, not the 60th” in the conservative battle against the Democrats’ faltering health care reform bill. He claimed that he would be the person most solely responsible for the defeat of any such bill. He said that the American people were against massive health care reform and so was he. Unfortunately for Brown however, it was quickly revealed that while in the Massachusetts State Senate he actually voted in favor of the passage of that state’s universal health care reform bill which was far more “socialist” than the pending national plans and even included a strict “mandate” and government subsidies requiring that all state citizens  purchase health insurance. Oops.

Another thing that happened when Scott Brown “nakedly” (OK, I couldn’t help myself) threw down the gauntlet against health care reform is that the Democrats (no longer with a filibuster proof majority) were forced to grow a backbone so as to galvanize their support and the ultimate passage of legislation. First, President Barack Obama became directly involved by means of factually slapping down most every Republican contrarian talking point at the House Republican Retreat in Baltimore. The event was unscripted (i.e. there could be no teleprompter criticisms) and Obama eloquently articulated every positive feature of health care reform while the assembly of Republicans was unable to mount a credible opposition. Next, Obama exposed the Republicans as the “Party of No Ideas” at his nationally televised Health Care Reform Forum. Truth be told, Obama agreed to consider a few Republican concerns such as limited medical malpractice tort reform and further action against Medicare fraud which portrayed him in the eyes of the viewing audience as a reasonable negotiator. On the other hand, not one Republican offered anything but derailing the entire bill and starting from scratch. No bilateralism there and the American people now know it. Rather than address the substance of the Forum, Scott Brown merely characterized it as a dog and pony show which revealed that he has little grasp of the complex issues involved.

The obstructionist ways of the Republican Party were revealed to the American people at Obama’s Health Care Forum and that gave congressional Democrats the political cover to pass a bill via the reconciliation process which would frustrate any Republican attempt to filibuster. Scott Brown and the Republicans cried foul, but Obama and the Democrats retorted that 16 of the last 22 bills passed by the reconciliation process were done so by the G.O.P. Remember that adage about throwing stones in glass houses? Not to be silenced however, Scott Brown publicly criticized the President and congressional Democrats once again last week when he said they were on a “bitter, destructive and endless drive to pass health care.” He went on to say that the passage of massive health care reform is “against the will” of the American people. Unfortunately, Scott brown must have missed the most recent AP/GfK Poll which revealed that 50% of Americans believe the health care system should be changed “a great deal” and only 4% believe that the system should not be changed. It now appears that a Democratic health care reform bill will pass and it will be supported by the majority of Americans.

Consequently, the election of the clothing challenged Scott Brown had exactly the opposite of its intended effect. Scott Brown did not defeat health care reform. Since his election, the movement has gained momentum in Congress and gained support by the American people. Passage of the legislation is now imminent. Like Charlie Brown,  everything Scott Brown touches seems to backfire on him and also like Charlie Brown, all Scott Brown can say is, “Good Grief!”


Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s newly penned song parody.

Charlie Brown song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UnPzp2lmNk

SCOTTIE BROWN

(sung to the Coasters song “Charlie Brown”)

Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum
He’s the senator that will bare his bum

Scottie Brown, Scottie Brown
He’s a clown, that nude Scott Brown
He likes to bare his bod
In those magazines
(That’s why everybody’s always pickin’ on me)

That’s him on his knees
I know that’s him
Yeah, from 7 come 11
Down in the Senate gym

Scottie Brown, Scottie Brown
He’s a clown, that nude Scott Brown
Craig thinks that he’s hot
He hopes to steal a peek
(Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)

Who’s always nude at the roll call?
Who’s lurking in the men’s room stalls?
Who’s sporting his bat and balls?
Guess who? (who me?) yeah, you!

Who walks through the Senate dumb and slow?
Who calls Mitch McConnell, Daddy-O?

Scottie Brown, Scottie Brown
He’s going down, next time around
His votes can be bought
Just you wait and see
(Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)

(musical interlude)

He is in the Party that says “No”
With his private parts swinging to and fro

Scottie Brown, Scottie Brown
He’s a clown, that nude Scott Brown
He’s showing a lot
His bum, his wee-wee
(Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)

Glenn Beck Admits That His Show Is A Waste Of Time

Glenn Beck dons the "Fear Goggles"

Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck,

You’re such a train-wreck!

You speak like a looney,

And look like ol’ Shreck!

Thank goodness we have Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck and Fox News to amuse us in the Monty Pythonesque fashion that we all so adore. If it were not for this fictionalized news network and its absurd assortment of mentally challenged hosts, what would we bloggers have to write about? What’s that you say? Oh yes, we would still have Larry Craig, the Cheney Gang, the nudist Scott Brown, Michele Bachmann and Rush Limbaugh. Nevertheless, Fox News does keep a lot of these nincompoops neatly caged in one little bundle.

Today’s object of ridicule is the crying man-child, Glenn Beck. In Beck, the right wing punditry has found another person that seems to fit it’s employment criteria. Like the “family values” minded Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh, he has been married multiple times. His educational background also measures up well with Limbaugh’s in that his college career lasted for all of one course. Yes, we said “course” not year or semester. Additionally, he also shares an alcohol and substance abuse history with Limbaugh. Glenn Beck is truly a Fox “Man For All Seasons”.

This week we had the added enjoyment of hearing Glenn Beck proclaim that his show is a waste of time. He invited resigning Democratic Representative Eric Massa on to his program in the hope of exposing the ethical violations of a Democrat or in the hope of eliciting some insider information that the Obama administration was strong-arming members of its own party. The interview, however, did not go as Beck planned.

First of all, Massa, unlike so many Republican scandal subjects like Larry Craig and David Vitter, accepted personal responsibility for his actions and voluntarily resigned his office as a consequence thereof. Massa said,

My difficulties are of my own making, period, and that during long car rides in the early hours of the morning and late at night and always in private, I know that my own language failed to meet the standards I set for all around me and myself.

After striking out on that pitch, Beck changed the subject to the alleged Obama strong-arming. in an earlier radio interview, Massa said,

I was set up for this from the very, very beginning. If you think that somehow they didn’t come after me to get rid of me because my vote is the deciding vote in the healthcare bill, then ladies and gentlemen, you live today in a world that is so innocent as to not understand what is going on in Washington, D.C.

Beck hoped to get Massa to affirm that statement and to expound thereon. Instead, all he got was a harmless statement from Massa that Rahm Emanuel, while nude at a gym locker room, confronted him over his vote. Hardly the juicy revelation that Beck hoped for.

The ineffective interview prompted Glenn Beck to say to his audience,

I think I’ve wasted your time. I think this is the first time I have wasted an hour of your time, and I apologize for that.

Indeed Glenn, you have wasted our time, but it was not the first time that you have done so. You waste our time every time your lying mug and voice appear on either television or radio.

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Last Train To Clarksville song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScXXaBu1Ing

LAST TRAIN TO NUTSVILLE

(sung to the Monkees song “Last Train To Clarksville”)

Take the last train to Nutsville
Beck will meet you at the station
You can be there by four-thirty
Cuz Fox made your reservation
The Beck Show, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

Glenn lost his mind without warning
And it won’t be back again
Glenn Beck’s facing stormy weather
And it’s causing quite a strain
So, he must go, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no
He might have a lobotomy on his dome.


Take the last train to Nutsville
Glenn Beck is their famous patient
If he’s not crying he’ll blow some kisses
But don’t attempt conversation
Oh… oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

Take the last train to Nutsville
That’s where Glenn Beck now calls home
We can’t hear him making noisy
Conversation all alone
He’s feelin’ low. Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!
And I don’t think that Glenn’s ever coming home.

Take the last train to Nutsville
Take the last train to Nutsville
(repeat and fade)

David Vitter Is A Diaper Wearing Baby-Man!

Oh boy, do we love it when Republicans make it this easy. You are all familiar with Louisiana Senator David Vitter aren’t you? What’s that, you’re not? Well then, pull up a chair and we will tell you a little story.

Once upon a time there was a Republican Senator from Louisiana named David Vitter. He was a staunch political  conservative that previously served in the House of Representatives after having replaced Robert Livingston after Livingston resigned as the result of an adultery scandal. At the time, Vitter said,

“It’s obviously a tremendous loss for the state. I think Livingston’s stepping down makes a very powerful argument that Clinton should resign as well and move beyond this mess”, referring to Bill Clinton’sMonica Lewinsky scandal.

Problem is, it was later revealed that Vitter, a married man with children, had been conducting a lengthy affair with a New Orleans prostitute. When initially confronted with the accusation, Vitter said that the allegation was, ” absolutely and completely untrue.” However, in July 2007 his phone number appeared in the records of the infamous “DC Madam.” Consequently, Vitter finally fessed up and said

This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there — with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way.

To add insult to injury, it was later revealed by one of his call girls that Vitter liked to be dressed in diapers during his sessions. (See diaper story here). In typical hypocritical Republican “Family Values” fashion however, Vitter failed to resign his seat after having called upon President Clinton to do so.

To make matters worse, the Republican Party leadership did not call for Vitter’s resignation either (even though they did so  with Senator Larry Craig after the light shined on his sexual indiscretions). You see, the Republican party does not really care about its members’ morality or “family values” it only cares about winning elections and holding onto seats. This became evident after the Craig affair when, after his attempted homosexual bathroom tryst, the Senator was called upon to resign by party leadership. Because Craig was a senator from a state with a Republican governor however, his seat would most likely be filled with another Republican appointed by said governor until a special election. In the case of Vitter however, there was no call from party leadership for his resignation. The Vitter case was different in their eyes because Vitter’s State of Louisiana had a Democratic Party governor. Consequently, upon Vitter’s resignation, the seat would likely be filled by a Democratic party appointee until the special election. In the eyes of the Republican Party, holding on to an elected office trumps any concern over immorality of party members.

Well, here is the newest from David Vitter. He claimed this week that Homeland Security Secretary, Janet Napolitano is “out of touch with reality”. Let’s get this straight, a grown man that wears diapers while in the company of hookers should not be qualified to judge whether anyone is “out of touch with reality”.

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s television inspired song parody.

The Flinstones television theme song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hByFDVwiQq8

VITTER

(sung to the television theme song “The Flinstones”)

Vitter, meet Dave Vitter
He’s the diaper wearing Senator
From Louisiana
Where he purchases those kinky whores.

On his faithful wife he chose to cheat
Now he’s targeted for big defeat

When you’re David Vitter
Buying hookers on the state dime
It’s big mistake time
It was a vice squad crime

Vitter, David Vitter
Of the “Family Values” G.O.P.
Unlike Johnny Bobbitt
He escaped and kept his prized pee-pee

On his faithful wife he chose to cheat
Now he’s targeted for big defeat

When you’re David Vitter
You’re just wallowing in your slime
Endorsing sex crimes
Exposed during prime time

Exposed during prime time