Blog Archives

Mitt(wit) Romney Has A New Scandal

The USA Today is reporting that Mitt Romney is being very secretive as to the identities  “of the fundraisers helping him collect the millions of dollars he needs to win the White House, even as he promises them special access perks.”

This is an important development because it undermines any claim to campaign transparency by Romney. It also leads to the perception that secret deals will cut for those Wall Street bankers and private equity company executives who are most likely to be Romney’s largest contributors.

The USA Today further reports that,

“Romney is not required by law to disclose the identities of his fundraisers with the exception of those who work as federal lobbyists. Releasing the names of bundlers, however, has been standard in presidential campaigns for more than a decade.

Republican George W. Bush established the pattern in the 2000 election, revealing the names of fundraisers who collected at least $100,000. He repeated the practice in 2004. Arizona Sen. John McCain, the Republican nominee four years ago, had disclosed his fundraisers by this point in the 2008 campaign, releasing a list of 106 bundlers on April 18 of that year.

President Obama has released his fundraiser list every three months during this campaign.”

Campaign-finance watchdogs have pressed for Romney to disclose his bundlers. “Should he be elected, these people will be first in line seeking benefits from the new administration and the public won’t even know who these people are and whether they are being rewarded for their role in getting Romney elected,” said Taylor Lincoln, a research director at Public Citizen.

Here’s hoping the main stream media keeps this issue in the spotlight and continues to press Romney to release names. Here’s also hoping that Romney fails to comply and thereby keeps this scandal alive through election day.

Lynnrockets wishes all of you faithful Rocketeers an enjoyable memorial Day Weekend!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

The Beverly Hillbillies Theme song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFI-hhndCek

THE ROMNEY HILLBILLY

(sung to the theme of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)

Come and listen to a story ‘bout a man named Mitt
A rich profiteer who’s been known to pitch a fit.
Unlike Scott Brown he won’t model in the nude,
He likes to run for office but he doesn’t have a clue.

Knowledge that is,   Hates Polls,    Sanity.

Well the one thing we know is Mitt’s a millionaire,
Pinstriped suits and plastic molded hair.
Inside the beltway is the place he wants to be,
So he strapped his dog on top and drove down to D.C.

Washington that is,   Lobbyists,    Big black cars.

(flip-flop break)

Well now its time to say good-bye to Mitt and all his friends,
He will lose this year’s election and that will be his end
He never will return again cuz of the Tea Party,
They much prefer Santorum and his beastiality.

Man on dog, that is,   Ring a bell?,    Take your pants off.

Don’t come back now, y’hear?

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Sarah Palin: The Gaffe Gift That Keeps On Giving

Sarah Palin was a gift to Democrats during the 2008 Presidential election cycle. She not only sunk any chance that the Republicans had of keeping the White House, but her constant mishaps and blunders entertained even those who do not follow politics. Remember when she could not name a single newspaper or magazine which she reads to keep current on the affairs of the nation? Remember when she said health care reform “is all about job creation”? Remember when she could not remember Joe Biden’s name (O’Biden)? Remember when she was incapable of describing the job of the Vice President to an elementary school student? Best of all, she inspired Tina Fey to create one of the most accurate and funny politician portrayals in the history of comedic politician portrayals.

Thankfully, the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska continued to entertain us even after she blew the election. In May of 2010, Palin appeared on Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor” to talk about the controversy over the “National Day of Prayer”, during which, she boldly announced that the US should base its laws on The Bible, just as the Founding Fathers intended. Speaking of the Founding Fathers, when asked about the “under God” reference in the Pledge of Allegiance, Palin said, “If it was good enough for the Founding Fathers, its good enough for me” (of course the Pledge of Allegiance was not written until more than 100 years after the Founding Fathers). How about when she wrote in her book “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag” that, “Susan B. Anthony saw the fight for the rights of the unborn as part of the broader fight for women’s rights.”? Remember her 2009 interview on “Good Morning America” when she referenced the fictitious “White House Department of Law”? Was there anyone who did not laugh out loud in 2011 when, during her “bus tour” stop in Boston, she said that Paul Revere rode on horseback and “”warned, uh, the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells…”” (Even American school kids of course,  are  aware Revere actually rode from Boston to Lexington warning the COLONISTS that the British Army was marching in their direction).

Guess what? The “Sarah Palin Stupid Train” continues to roll down the tracks of our tears of laughter!

We can thank the Topeka Capital-Journal of Kansas for exposing Sarah Palin’s latest blunder. It seems that lots of Kansas voters received a robo-call from Palin in which she solicited them to vote for the Tea Party endorsed Ted Cruz for the U.S. Senate. She said, “Ted Cruz is a true conservative you can trust to stand on principle and change the way Washington does business. Today, through May 25, please vote early for Ted Cruz for U.S. Senate.” Palin ended the call by saying, “Join me. Choose Cruz for Senate.”

That is quite a ringing endorsement from Sarah Palin. Question is, why would she be asking Kansans to vote for a man who is running for the U.S. Senate seat in TEXAS?

Sometimes  you just can’t make this stuff up!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dvx7RcEX8w4

ALASKAN PIE

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Levi sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Alaskans for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still “go with the flow”?
And can Todd’s sister score me some good blow?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for two years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has-been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Ethics problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
When you’re starring in a demon cleansing mass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit her job and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the voters beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Sherry Johnston was tokin’
The “barracuda” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
That day her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Welcome Back Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin/Julianne Moore

Don’t you miss those halcyon days when every morning we were treated to some new breaking story detailing the insane antics of Sarah Palin and her family? We were all entertained on a near daily basis as Palin claimed she could see Russia or that the new health care law established “death panels” or when she claimed that Paul Revere was ringing bells and firing musket shots to warn the British during his famous midnight ride. It was hilarious to watch her struggle to name a single newspaper or magazine which she reads, or to name a Supreme Court decision which she disagreed with or to incorrectly explain the function of the Vice President to a 5th grader. Who will ever forget when she abruptly quit her position as Governor of Alaska after having served only half a term and then jumped right into the respectable field of reality television?

Ahhh, those were the days. Unfortunately (for us) however, Sarah Palin’s entertainment value came to a seemingly sudden halt last November when she announced that she would not seek the Republican nomination for President of the United States. Not only were we denied a year’s worth of belly-ache-inducing laughs, but the late night television talk shows and tabloid newspapers were denied a steady source of material.

But wait!… What’s this?… We have breaking Palin news!

We have just learned that Sarah Palin and her handlers have awoken from hibernation, crawled out of their holes and opened their mouths. it seems they are upset about the new HBO movie about The Queen of Quit. They claim that the film titled “Game Change”, which features  Julianne Moore as Palin, portrays the 2008 GOP vice presidential nominee in a harsh and unfair light.

The group of current and former Palin advisers – Jason Recher, Randy Scheunemann, Meg Stapleton, Andy Davis, Thomas Van Flein, Doug McMarlin and Tim Crawford – jointly railed against the film in a conference call with reporters last night. Recher said, “It’s a false portrait cobbled together by a bunch of people who simply weren’t there.” Former Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton took aim at author and film consultant Steve Schmidt (A top John McCain adviser) and said, “Steve Schmidt is proud to stretch the truth in his shoot-first style, and this time he has gone too far. He is abusive and abrasive and nothing short of a world class bully.” Randy Scheunemann said, “To call this movie fiction gives fiction a bad name.”

Those are all very damning comments about the film. Problem is, they are meritless comments. You see, CNN reports that none of them have actually seen the film and they admitted they were making their assessments based largely on the “tone” of the two-minute trailer, which at times portrays Palin as moody, arrogant and unhinged. It should also be noted that the film’s production team offered a private screening to Palin and her husband Todd – which they also declined. Sarah Palin said, “I’m really not too concerned about an HBO movie based on a false narrative when there are so many other things that we need to be talking about,” Isn’t it so Palinesque to comment upon things which one knows little to nothing about?

The film’s screenwriter Danny Strong stated in an email to CNN, “We stand by the film as being an accurate and fair portrayal of the events of the campaign. The script is also based on 25 interviews I conducted with members of the actual campaign. Secondary sources include Sarah Palin’s book ‘Going Rogue’, other books written on the campaign and innumerable newspaper and magazine articles.”

“Game Change” will be premiering on HBO on Saturday, March 10, 2012 at 9:00 PM EST. Until then, please amuse yourselves with this highlight reel of Sarah Palin’s greatest hits.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U219P_zs7w

THE WRECK OF THE SARAH L. PALIN (Version Two)

(sung to the Gordon Lightfoot song “The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald ”)

The legend lives on from the North Slope on down
To the town they call Sandpoint, Idaho
The Heath’s one would say, had a daughter that day
Why they kept her, I must say, “I don’t know”

They loaded up the truck and they tested their luck
When they moved to Wasilla, Alaska
Sarah enrolled in school and was nobody’s fool
On the court they called her “Barracuda”.

In 1982 she left for Honolulu
Off to Hawaii Pacific College
She did not last long there nor at anywhere
In her quest for some meaningful knowledge.

She finally did see a journalism degree
After stints at 5 or 6 safety schools
Sometime in between she was a pageant queen
Then she worked in TV for KTUU.

She met up with her fate sometime in ’88
When her TV career was a failin’
And everyone knew, as her parents did too
She would soon be the Bride of Todd Palin.

Long before she did wed, she conceived in his bed
That was the end of her abstinency
While laid out on her back, she gave birth to Lil’ Track
The result of an unwed pregnancy.

She was now in a lurch cuz of her right wing church
But she carried on without a care
She had a beehive hairdo, but had nothing to do
That all changed when she became the Mayor.

She appointed some crooks then she banned some good books
No one lasted if they weren’t on her team
Wasilla’s deficit grew, kids fired-up on homebrew
Not to mention the methamphetamine.

She became the next Guv and to show the state love
She proposed to unite remote shore banks
But once in a bind she politely declined
To the bridge she said,”Thanks but no thanks”.

John McCain now you see had to choose a VP
His campaign was certainly failin’
He wanted a she that was trés “mavericky”
So he chose Alaska’s Sarah Palin.

But poor press reviews of her live interviews
With Couric and Gibson oft replayed
Showed she could not spar with the nightly news stars
Let alone outperform Tina Fey

The election was lost and poor Sarah was tossed
From her seat on “The Straight Talk Express”
She went home and did pose in her new store-bought clothes
But  Alaskans were not now impressed

She’s no longer a saint due to ethics complaints
She has nobody left now to wink at
Her opinions ignored and her actions abhorred
“Hockey mom” once again is a rink rat

Her career was a blip, it was a sinking ship
Her supporters are jumpin’ and bailin’
Her character flaws became the final straw
For the wreck known as Sarah L. Palin

Failin’ Palin Gives Advice To Mitt(wit) Romney

The absurdity of the race that is “The Koch Brothers Flying Republican Nomination Circus” was on full display Saturday.

Sarah Palin decided to give advice to Mitt Romney. In an interview with CNN and The New York Times before her speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, Palin said she was confused by Romney’s declaration here on Friday that he was a “severely conservative Republican.” “I wasn’t quite sure what the word ‘severely’ meant,” Palin said. The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska also said Romney needs to better explain his “shifts in ideology” (i.e. his 100s of flip-flops).

“You have to have the Tea Party patriots enthused and energized in order to win this nomination, and more importantly in order to defeat Barack Obama,” Palin argued.

Think about that for a moment. The woman who knows absolutely nothing about how to defeat Barack Obama is giving advice as to how to do so. Does Palin forget that she and John McCain were trounced by Barack Obama and Joe Biden in the 2008 election?

Sarah Palin, the reality television personality has nothing to offer in the form of advice regarding how to beat the man who so convincingly defeated her!

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to have more fun singing along.

Crazy song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OVtpnpCOKM

CRAZY

(sung to the Patsy Cline song “Crazy”)

Crazy
Palin is chock-full of baloney
She’s crazy
Crazy and without a clue

We knew
She’s psychologically haunted
And that someday
She’d make her asylum debut

Sorry
She could be a guest on Maury
Wondrin’
How did she go so koo-koo

Oh, crazy
As crazy as her husband, First Dude
There’s no use denyin’
Cheatin’ and lyin’
Sarah’s crazy
We know it’s true

Crazy
We’re not sure if Palin’s sniffing glue
It seems like she’s flyin’
We’re not just implyin’
Sarah’s crazy
We know it’s true

Crazy Palin Advises GOP Candidates On New Year’s Eve

Sarah Palin celebrates New Year's Eve in Wasilla, Alaska.

The publicity hound known as Sarah Palin has emerged yet again on this, the last day of 2011. The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska has published a column in the Washington Post in which she gives advice to the insane clown posse of candidates for the Republican nomination for President of the United States.

Think about that for a moment. As if the wacky and unqualified GOP field of candidates have not already embarrassed themselves enough already, they should now take advise from the wacky and unqualified Alaskan who proved to be the downfall of John McCain’s Presidential campaign in 2008? If such is the case, then it is evident that today’s Republican Party exists in some sort of alternative universe wherein up is down and good is bad and day is night.

What is worse however, is Palin’s actual advice. In a year-end effort to rake-in a little extra cash, she instructs the GOP candidates to buy her book. She says,

“Given the concerns I have for some of the Republican field’s focus thus far, I must implore the candidates to do something that sounds self-promoting, but whatever. Candidates, please turn to Chapter Three of “Going Rogue” and read what it takes for our country to step toward energy independence. Note the lesson I share in the same chapter about taking on the “elite,” the crony capitalists and the permanent political establishment to get a job done”

She then follows up by immediately contradicting herself. In her next paragraph she writes,

“Understand how the left’s terrifyingly naive assault on American industry exposes us to the mercy of foreign regimes whose prime objective is, at worst, our permanent demise and, at best, is stripping away our freedom.”

Didn’t Palin first say that the “crony capitalists” were the problem? Aren’t the crony capitalists those same American industries that exert unlimited influence on Congress through their highly compensated K Street lobbyists? As a result of that influence, don’t the corporate capitalist cronies gain political influence over our economy which is denied to the people? What is Palin’s point?

Her advice gets even more superficial and absurd when she says that the “prime objective” of “foreign regimes” is, at best, “stripping away our freedom”. How are foreign regimes stripping away our freedom? Of course Palin fails to provide any substantiation whatsoever for that crazy allegation.

Here’s hoping the flip-flopping duo of Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, and the moonbat-crazy trio of  Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul heed Palin’s advise and thereby hasten their self-imposed political implosions. That would leave the only somewhat sane and adult GOP candidate in the room to move forward. Jon Huntsman would at least be a credible candidate and the general election campaign could then focus on the important issues and not simple broad talking points about “love of country” and “compassionate conservatism” and “mavericky mayhem”.

Please enjoy this New Year’s related song parody until we see you again next year. Here’s wishing a happy and healthy 2012 to all of you!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s New Year’s Eve inspired song parody.

Same Auld Lang Syne song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NmdFgFyhnk

SAME OLD LAME WHINE

(sung to the Dan Fogelberg song “Same Auld Lang Syne”)

Met Sarah Palin at a Walmart store
She was shoplifting like a thief
There was no sign of kids or the “First Dude”
‘Cuz Sarah brings home the beef

I recoiled from her aging face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She knew I saw the moose meat in her purse
And then she just fibbed and lied

I said I was not a security man
And then Sarah Palin was glad
She lacked any sense of embarrassment
At the thought that she was bagged

I asked if we could have a drink or two
Cuz she was such a rising star
We met “Joe Sixpack” at the liquor store
And we three went to a bar

We drank a toast to ignorance
She was a toasted cow
She tried to explain her head’s emptiness
But she did not know how

She said she’s married to a derelict
Who can’t keep a job if he tried
She would have like to say she loved the man
But she couldn’t stand the guy

I said “death panels” were the end for her
That she could turn a Red-State Blue
And did she fear her would-be son-in-law?
She just said, “Lynn, F_ _ _  you”

She said she hated all the pro-choice whores
And that she hoped they’d go to Hell
I asked if Coulter was a “he” or “she”?
Palin said she could not tell

She toasted her omnipotence
And asked us all to bow
I said, “so long and good riddance,
I must be leaving now”

Then one last toast to ignorance
Cuz it was closing time
She lacks a sense of eloquence
But has that old lame whine

The beers were empty and our tongues were tired
Another book signing today
She put her hat on and hopped on her broom
And I watched her fly away

She graduated from a “safety school”
So she has no-one else to blame
There’s no intelligence inside her dome
That’s why she is so lame.

Palin Is Failin’

Think about this for a moment. When is the last time you heard any mention of Sarah Palin since she announced that would not seek the Republican Party nomination for President? It has been a long time hasn’t it? Most of you have probably not heard mention of her since that very day of October 5, 2011.

During a radio interview that day, the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska told a conservative host that she could actually be more influential and powerful if she was not in fact, elected to the most influential and powerful office in the world. She said, “Not being a candidate, really you are unshackled and you’re able to be even more active. I need to be able to say what I want to say.” This type of confusing double-speak of course, was a Palin trademark since that unfortunate day in 2008 when John McCain unleashed the “Disaster from Alaska” on the Lower 48.

Unfortunately for Sarah Palin, her new-found “unshackled” status with its freedom to be “more active” and “to say what I want to say” has been a one-way street. You see, the American people no longer care what Sarah Palin has to say and they are not interested in what she does. Additionally, Palin has certainly not been “more active” than she was during the days of her book tours and PAC-sponsored family-vacations. Indeed, her prediction of enhanced influence in the political realm seems to have been “unshackled” from reality.

Palin is aware of her diminishing star power however, and she is determined to place herself back in the spotlight. Much like her intentionally long-delayed presidential announcement was designed to maintain her relevance for as long as possible, her present reluctance to endorse a presidential candidate serves the same purpose. By teasing her Tea Party sycophants who tend to obey her every command, Palin has maintained some relevance within that small but diminishing faction of society.

But Sarah Palin craves more than that. Tea Party relevance does not necessarily translate into money and stardom. Palin cannot simply release another ghost-written book either because most Americans no longer seem to care what she has to say. Consequently, Palin realizes that the only avenue remaining is a return to low-brow reality television like so many other washed-up celebrities. The fact that she and her family fit the mold of dysfunctional sit-com soap-opera characters only adds to the allure of the boob tube.

Consequently, we learned this weekend that her former reality show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska” may return for a second season following its hiatus during the Queen of Quit’s flirtation with a presidential run last season. This second season would presumably feature more staged vignettes of Sarah and family fishing, hunting, bickering and drilling for oil. It has been rumored that the re-emergence of this particular show followed Palin’s failed attempt to create a spin-off series featuring husband Todd the “First Dude” on the professional snow-machine circuit. Apparently TLC could not be convinced that snowmobile racing is the next NASCAR. Of the renewed series however, a network source told the Hollywood Reporter, “I think it is safe to say her time has passed.”

Ahh Sarah Palin, we hardly knew ye!

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky4wu58XTr4

SARAH PALIN’S COMING TO TOWN

(sung to the Patti Page version of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

Get your wallet out
Wink and blink your eyes
Holler and shout
At protesting guys
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Your town’s on her list
So you must play nice
And listen to Sarah P.’s advice
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

She’ll fleece you while your sleeping
Your money she will take
She’ll force you to purchase her book
Although the story’s fake

Oh, get your money out
So that you can buy
Can’t be without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

The crap she serves is heaping
The truth she does forsake
The writing is so bad it’s good
For a laugh you should partake

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Oh, don’t make Sarah pout
Don’t make Sarah cry
Don’t go without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Your town’s on her list
So you must play nice
And listen to Sarah P.’s advice
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

The crap she serves is heaping
The truth she does forsake
The writing is so bad it’s good
For a laugh you should partake

Oh, don’t make Sarah pout
Don’t make Sarah cry
Don’t go without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Ding, Dong The Witch Is Dead!

Sarah Palin has finally confirmed what everybody already knew. On Wednesday she announced that she will not be running for President of the United States in 2012. Pretty much everybody except Palin already knew this in light of the fact that virtually every poll since last year indicated that vastly more people would reject her campaign than would support it. The plurality of Democrats, Republicans, Independents and even Tea Partiers have time and again sent the message that they had lost all interest in a Palin candidacy. Sarah Palin’s 15 minutes of fame lasted three years, but like all vapid and talentless celebrities, she was unable to maintain relevance and serious interest for too long. She had become a caricature of herself. Yesterday’s announcement sounded the death knell for Palin’s future political career and it will also most likely end her sideshow job as a Fox News commentator. In short, Sarah Palin is no longer the “It” girl and she never will regain that title again.

It seems fitting that Sarah Palin chose the Halloween season to announce the end of her career as a person of interest. She is after all, sort of a blundering, stumbling man-made monster. Just three short years ago almost nobody had ever heard of Sarah Palin. The G.O.P. was led by such familiar names as Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, a resurgent Newt Gingrich and the actor Fred Thompson. Then the unexpected happened. Somehow the centrist John McCain won the Republican Presidential nomination. McCain however, was trailing Democrat Barack Obama by such a wide margin that he was forced to do something drastic in order to draw some attention to his campaign. Much like the literary Dr. Frankenstein, McCain was compelled to create some life from scratch. He stitched together some uber-right-wing conservatism, some female DNA, some down-home colloquialisms, a beehive hairdo and some rimless glasses. His handmade creation was Sarah Palin.

Much like Dr. Frankentein’s monster however, the McCain creation also suffered from some fatal flaws. They both had a damaged brain. Each became stronger and more identifiable than its creator. Both wreaked havoc on society and in the end, the Frankenstein monster and Sarah Palin each turned against their respective creators and embarked on a reign of terror.

The Palin thing was alive, ALIVE! This 21st century mindless monster quit her job as Governor and stumbled out of the wilds of Alaska on her way to the Lower 48. Unable to master the written word, the pathetic creature hired a ghostwriter to pen her fictitious memoir. Unable to master the spoken word, Palin turned to Twitter and Facebook as her means of communication. Unable to appear human on television, she was forced to appear repeatedly on Fox News. The thing that became known as PALIN  sowed fear into the hearts of all uneducated conservatives with her horrific tales of “death panels”, the godless land of Russia that she could see by means of her super-human vision and of her arch enemy, the would-be monster slayer, author Joe McGinniss.

Unlike the Frankenstein monster however, the Palin thing began to amass a large and adoring following. Sure, these devotees were comprised of racist, white, uneducated homophobes from the lowest rung of the food chain, but beggars can’t be choosers. The Palin thing’s fan base became known as the Tea Party (presumably because some mind-altering hallucinogen was slipped into their tea). These Tea-Baggers are a mindless lot that confusingly wants no government control over their government controlled Medicare and Social Security benefits. They hate the Obama administration because of his fictitious tax increases despite the fact that over 95% of them have actually benefited from the President’s middle class tax cuts. The Tea-Baggers crowned the Palin thing as their de facto queen.

The Palin thing’s Tea Party royalty status is the biggest problem for the creature’s former party.  Before John McCain’s monster was created, the whacko Tea-Baggers were all firmly entrenched members of the Republican Party. They voted in lockstep for every Republican they could find thereby ensuring at least some electoral success for the party. The creation of the Palin thing has changed all of that. The Tea-Baggers are now actively seeking candidates from within their own super-radical ranks. These Tea Party candidates are so out of the mainstream that they oppose meaningful portions of the Civil Rights Act (Rand Paul). They hope to privatize Social Security (Rand Paul, Michele Bachmann), criminalize the consumption of alcohol (Sharron Angle), deregulate the oil industry (despite the Gulf oil spill) (Ron Paul), abolish the Dept. of Education (too many to name here), ban masturbation (Christine O’Donnell) and even remove fluoride from the nation’s water supply (Sharron Angle). This is crazy stuff that has drawn votes away from Republicans in favor of unelectable radicals and the Palin thing adds to the chaos by endorsing these candidates.

Like the legendary Frankenstein monster however, the Palin-thing quickly outwore her welcome. She attacked everything in sight and damaged everything she came in contact with (like American history for instance). She engaged in verbal battles and name-calling with former allies like Karl Rove, Meghan McCain and even Fox News co-workers Bill O’Reilly and Megyn Kelly. She stole the spotlight from actual GOP presidential candidates by “coincidentally” giving speeches in early primary states on the exact same dates that the candidates were speaking. She even committed the unforgivable sin of appearing on a realty television program which is the modern-day nursing home for washed up celebrities. She was out of control and most every American finally realized that THE PALIN THING MUST BE DESTROYED!

First the mainstream Republicans avoided Palin whenever they could. Next, the radically conservative radio talk show hosts began poking fun at her absurdity. Soon thereafter, the general public grew tired of her and attacked her with diminishing poll results. Finally, even her most loyal supporters, the Tea Party members, abandoned ship after Palin continued to demand their monetary donations without rewarding their support with any indication that she would seek political office. All of America finally gathered up their pitchforks and torches so as to put and end to Sarah Palin once and for all.

With her announcement yesterday, Sarah Palin spared the masses the unpleasant task of putting her down. The former ex-quitting half-term governor did “the honorable thing” and ended her own political existence. America can now concern itself with extinguishing the nine remaining mini-monsters that comprise the field of Republican presidential candidates.

In memory of the Palin-thing let’s take one last look at some of her greatest hits.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu7hxguhFfI

ALASKAN PIE (Version Two)

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Karl Rove sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Tea Baggers for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still “go with the flow”?
How soon before Fox News says, “You must go”?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for three years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has-been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Legal problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
You’re a joker on the sidelines, little lass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit the race and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the people beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Let’s hope that he’s not jokin’
The “barracuda’s” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
Today her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Waiting For The Palin-Thing

As we approach the Labor Day weekend and the de-facto end of summer, there is very little earth-shattering news to report about other than that earthquake off Alaska. Indeed, there is very little political news at all. All we have is the never-ending will-she or won’t-she talk about Sarah Palin. No, we are not wondering whether she will announce her run for the presidency this weekend. She will not. Rather, as always, we must wonder whether she will even show-up at her scheduled speeches In Iowa and New Hampshire.

In typical Palin fashion, the former ex-quitting half-term Gov. of Alaska has enveloped herself in confusion. First she informed us that she would be making an important speech at a Tea Party event in Iowa. Then she announced that she would also be speaking in New Hampshire. She then said that as the result of unspecified problems she was having with the Tea Party organizers, that she might forfeit that event and do something else in Iowa. Now she claims that she will in fact appear at the original Iowa event. Confused? You should be.

Sarah Palin is one strange duck. Let’s take a look at how the Palin-thing was unleashed on America in the first place.

Just three short years ago almost nobody had ever heard of Sarah Palin. The G.O.P. was led by such familiar names as Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, a resurgent Newt Gingrich and the actor Fred Thompson. Then the unexpected happened. Somehow the centrist John McCain won the Republican Presidential nomination. McCain however, was trailing Democrat Barack Obama by such a wide margin that he was forced to do something drastic in order to draw some attention to his campaign. Much like the literary Dr. Frankenstein, McCain was compelled to create some life from scratch. He stitched together some uber-right-wing conservatism, some female DNA, some down-home colloquialisms, a beehive hairdo and some rimless glasses. His handmade creation was Sarah Palin.

Much like Dr. Frankentein’s monster however, the McCain creation also suffered from some fatal flaws. They both had a damaged brain. Each became stronger and more identifiable than its creator. Both wreaked havoc on society and in the end, the Frankenstein monster and Sarah Palin each turned against their respective creators.

The Palin thing was alive, ALIVE! This 21st century mindless monster quit her job and stumbled out of the wilds of Alaska on her way to the Lower 48. Unable to master the written word, the pathetic creature hired a ghostwriter to pen her fictitious memoir. Unable to master the spoken word, Palin turned to Twitter and Facebook as her means of communication and wrote crib-notes on her hands. Unable to appear human on television, she was forced to appear repeatedly on Fox News and in her own reality tv series. The thing that became known as PALIN  sowed fear into the hearts of all uneducated conservatives with her horrific tales of “death panels”, the godless land of Russia that she could see by means of her super-human vision and of her arch enemy, the would-be monster slayer, author Joe McGinniss.

Unlike the Frankenstein monster however, the Palin thing began to amass a large and adoring following. Sure, these devotees were comprised of racist, white, uneducated homophobes from the lowest rung of the food chain, but beggars can’t be choosers. The Palin thing’s fan base became known as the Tea Party (presumably because it is believed that something was slipped into their tea). These Tea-Baggers are a mindless lot that confusingly wants no government control over their government controlled Medicare and Social Security benefits. They hate the Obama administration because of his fictitious tax increases despite the fact that over 95% of them have actually benefited from the President’s middle class tax cuts. These Tea-Baggers have crowned the Palin thing as their de facto queen.

The Palin thing’s Tea Party royalty status is the biggest problem for the creature’s former party.  Before John McCain’s monster was created, the whacko Tea-Baggers were all firmly entrenched members of the Republican Party. They voted in lockstep for every Republican they could find thereby ensuring at least some electoral success for the party. The creation of the Palin thing has changed all of that. The Tea-Baggers are now actively seeking candidates from within their own super-radical ranks. These Tea Party candidates are so out of the mainstream that they oppose meaningful portions of the Civil Rights Act (Rand Paul). They hope to privatize Medicare and Social Security (Rand Paul, Paul Ryan), criminalize the consumption of alcohol (Sharron Angle), deregulate the oil industry (despite the Gulf oil spill) (Rand Paul), abolish the Dept. of Education (too many to name here), ban masturbation (Christine O’Donnell) and even remove fluoride from the nation’s water supply (Sharron Angle). This is crazy stuff.

Crazy, but Sarah Palin supports these radical views. Indeed, The National Review reports that she will use her speech in Iowa to defend the Tea Party against the criticism that it is an uncompromising bunch of misinformed idiots. ABC News adds that Palin’s speech will be a “full-throated defense of the Tea Party.” So there you have it. Sarah Palin will continue dithering as to whether she will run for President through at least the end of September. Guess we will have to keep on waiting for Palin.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj2bmQ4P4cM

SARAH PALIN’S CRAZY BRAIN-DEAD CLAN

(sung to the Beatles song “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”)

About twenty years ago or so,
Sarah Palin married Todd her beau
They’ve been trying to enhance her style
With rimless glasses and a great big smile
So may I introduce to you
The folks you’ve known for all these years,
Sarah Palin’s crazy brain-dead clan.

We’re Sarah Palin’s crazy brain-dead clan,
The folks that you’ve all come to know
We’re Sarah Palin’s crazy brain-dead clan,
You wouldn’t want to be our foe.

Sarah Palin’s crazy, Sarah Palin’s crazy,
Sarah Palin’s crazy brain-dead clan.

She loves to instill deep fear
“Death panels” if you will
We are her brain-dead audience,
We’d love to take her home with us,
We’d love to take her home.

We don’t really want to end this show,
But Track Palin just produced some blow.
And now Bristol’s firing-up her bong
Sarah says that they can do no wrong

So let us bid adieu, to you
We’ve been with you for the last three years
We’re Sarah Palin’s Crazy Brain-Dead Clan.

Palin Plummetts In Polls (Again!!!)

Here we go again. The people have spoken and they do not like Sarah Palin. Why then does Palin continue to play cat and mouse with the idea of running for the Presidency? Better yet, why does the Media and public (including Lynnrockets) pay any attention to this inconsequential person?

CNN reports that the most recent Pew Research Center Poll released August 25th reveals that 41% of Republicans and Republican-leaning voters say there is “no chance” they would vote for Sarah Palin in a presidential race. That is the second highest rejection rate of any Republican candidate, exceeded only by Newt Gingrich.

Additionally, the most recent Gallup Survey released August 24th reveals that in a race that includes all the current candidates, plus Palin and Rudy Giuliani, the former Alaska governor would draw only 11 percent of the vote.

Finally, the most recent Public Policy Polling survey released August 23rd and  conducted in Iowa (where Palin has been spending a lot of time lately) reveals that she is in a lowly 5th place among GOP candidates.

These poll results emerged smack-dab in the midst of the war of words between Karl Rove and Palin’s political action committee SarahPAC, regarding Palin’s dithering over her decision to enter the race. The polls all show that it does not matter if the former ex-quitting half-term Alaska Gov. enters the race. Even if she does, she is doomed to defeat.

So, as for the two questions posited in our first paragraph, what can we deduce? Regarding the question as to why Palin continues to remain indecisive as to her presidential plans, it seems obvious that she is simply maintaining the monetary value of the “Palin brand” for as long as possible. Since the “Palin thing” was unfortunately thrust into the American spotlight by John McCain in 2008, she has profited immensely. If not for her status as the Vice Presidential candidate and the subsequent hilariously public display of her political ignorance and the shenanigans of her tabloid-styled family, she would have remained a virtually unknown politician with little to no marketing potential. Instead, she has made so much money form her new-found celebrity status in the form of her Fox News job, her reality television series and her two ghost-written books, that she was able to simply up-and-quit her job as Governor of Alaska. Palin knows that as soon as she announces that she will not run for the nation’s highest office, her marketability and the associated money will vanish. Consequently, it behooves her to tease the public for as long as she possibly can.

As for why the media and public continue to pay attention to a potential candidate that has no chance of winning, the answer is obvious. Sarah Palin is so absurd that she is entertaining. The media sells entertainment and the public buys it. People with no interest whatsoever in politics continue to await news of the latest Palin-related spectacle. Will she publicly insult someone (David Letterman)? Will she make another astoundingly stupid comment (Paul Revere was warning the British by ringing bells and firing shots)? Will another of her abstinence-only educated children conceive a child out of wedlock (so far we have Bristol and Track)? Will her husband continue to solicit massages from women charged with prostitution (Shailey Tripp)? The possibilities seem limitless and so long as there is entertainment value, the media and public will continue to pay attention.

So there you have it. Sarah Palin is unelectable. Sarah Palin knows this and will continue to tease the public with a decision regarding her candidacy as long as possible so as to keep the money-cow alive. The media and public will continue to be interested in Palin so long as she remains relevant and eccentric.

OK, you Rocketeers, you know what this means…

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Rawhide song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldkxqiosXYY

POLL-SLIDE

(sung to the TV theme of, “Rawhide”)

Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Poll Slide

Keep movin’, movin’, movin’
People disapprovin’
Sarah’s not improvin’, Poll-Slide!
She cannot understand ‘em,
She hopes results are random,
Soon she’ll be in a double-wide.
There’s no way of definin’
Just why the polls declinin’, declinin’ like a massive
Landslide.

Headin’ down, movin’ fast,
Losin’ ground, ship her out,
Headin’ down, movin’ fast
Poll-Slide!
Kick her out,  shoot her down,
Send her home, push her out,
Kick her butt, fallin’ fast
Poll-Slide!

Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Her eyeballs are ballin’
How come no-one’s callin’?
Poll-Slide!
It looks like stormy weather
And she’s light like a feather
She’ll be swept under by the tide.
She’ll be unemployed soon,
A wolf killin’ buffoon,
And all this resultin’ from her lies

Headin’ down, movin’ fast,
Losin’ ground, ship her out,
Headin’ down, movin’ fast
Poll-Slide!
Kick her out,  shoot her down,
Send her home, push her out,
Kick her butt, fallin’ fast
Poll-Slide!

Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Fallin’ Fallin’ Fallin’
Poll Slide

Hey Sarah, How’s That Abstinence-Only Thingy Working Out For Your Kids? (Updated)

Daryl Cagle, MSNBC.com

Lynnrockets and Co. would like to apologize to you loyal Rocketeers for our failure to post a blog entry yesterday. My “real life” job as an attorney kept me a bit too busy to blog. Today however, we have a little more free time.

So, it is back to work!

Sarah Palin has been denouncing sex education and contraception since she was disastrously thrust upon the American people by John McCain. She has been one of the nation’s foremost advocates of abstinence only education. Of course Sarah Palin did not personally practice abstinence. It would appear that oldest son Track was conceived prior to her wedding on August 29, 1988 inasmuch as he was born on April 20, 1989.

The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska was also apparently not a very good teacher when it came to instilling the virtues of abstinence on her own children either. First, teen daughter Bristol gave birth out of wedlock. She claims that her “virginity was stolen” (rape?) by her boyfriend one night while she got drunk while on a camping trip. The veracity of that statement is called into question however, inasmuch as Bristol continued to have sex with the same boy for a long time after that. Now we have eldest son Track who also seems to have violated the abstinence only rule. Track was married only last May, yet today we learned that his new wife gave birth to a baby girl  over the weekend.

Geesh Palins, how’s that abstinence-only thingy working out for ya?

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

The Ballad Of John And Yoko song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t3oaPNJieg

THE BALLAD OF TODD AND SARAH (Version Two)

(Sung to the Beatles song “The Ballad of John and Yoko”)

Standing in the airport at Juneau,
Todd sporting his new campaign-bought pants.
But then SarahPac
Said,“They’ve got to go back”,
“You look just like a homo from France.”

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
To play second fiddle,
To the Caribou-Barbie.

Finally flew into Indiana
Sarah giving a Pro-Life speech
Her decision rejoiced,
As to her Baby Trig choice.
Because she practiced exactly what she preached.

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
Sarah admitted as much.
She did have a choice, though
She would deny one to us.

Meanwhile in his home-state of Alaska,
The First Dude was beginning to cheat.
He had not one fear
That a massage to his rear,
Would be reported in a tabloid broad-sheet

Christ you know they’re so sleazy,
Just watch them on the TV
The whole Palin family
Lives out a life of deceit

Keeping every penny of per-diem pay,
Lying about clothes to charity,
Daughter that’s unwed,
Boyfriends in her bed.
Her chances of  election
Pretty low – Think!

Relatives all getting arrested.
Family dignity in free-fall.
Constituents claim,
“Sarah is to blame”
Not much of a role-model at all.

Christ you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be.
You know where she’s going?
Into the Party of Tea.

How did we choose Sarah to begin with?
She is just a political hack.
A dumb “hockey mom”,
That can’t think and chew gum.
Why didn’t we elect “Joe Sixpack?”

Christ she makes us uneasy.
In Yiddish we say, “Oy Vey.”
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.