Bachmann To Leave Presidential Race For Slot On “The Biggest Loser” (Updated)

So what did we learn from the Republican Iowa caucuses? Two things. The deeply flawed GOP Presidential field of candidates is still a mess and Michele Bachmann is unelectable.

The year of Republican indecision was made public last night for the first time when Iowa voters could not choose a candidate to support as their eventual GOP Presidential nominee. Technically, Mitt(wit) Romney was declared the winner of the first in the nation contest, but he won by only a few votes. Romney edged out Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum by only 8 votes and Ron “Racist” Paul finished a close third with 21% of the overall vote. Consequently, all three of those candidates will take seven of the 25 delegates up for grabs in Iowa. That’s right, the Iowa caucuses resulted in a three-way tie for for delegates in the race for 1,144 delegates required to capture the GOP nomination. There was no winner in Iowa and that state’s Republican voters could not manage to coalesce behind and support a single candidate to oppose Barack Obama in the general election.

The rest of the GOP field finished-up as follows. Newt “Freddie Mac” Gingrich (the most recent GOP frontrunner and “flavor of the month” finished fourth with 13% of the vote and Rick “3 Agencies” Perry captured 10%. Michele “HPV Vaccine Causes Mental Retardation” Bachmann and Jon “The Only Sane Adult in the Room” Huntsman each garnered only single digit support with 5% and 1% respectively.

Keep in mind however, that the Iowa caucuses are not a very good indicator of who will be the eventual Republican nominee. In 1980, George H.W. Bush finished ahead of Ronald Reagan. In 1988 Bob Dole beat George H. W. Bush and in 2008 Mike Huckabee bested John McCain. Hence, in the big picture, Iowa means very little when it comes to picking Presidential nominees. Consequently, the 2012 Republican game of “Presidential Musical Chairs” is likely to continue with a new frontrunner emerging in almost every primary election. The bottom line is that Republican voters do not care too much for any of their candidates. It is anybody’s guess as to which one of these unqualified clowns will eventually emerge as Obama’s opponent in the general election.

One thing is clear however. Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann are likely to drop out soon. Perry at one time was looked upon as the savior of the GOP by the evangelical conservative voting bloc who want anybody other than Mitt Romney. Upon entering the race, Perry shot to the top spot but quickly vaporized when the public realized that he was dumber than George W. Bush. Remember when he couldn’t name the three federal agencies that he wanted to disband? How about when he gave that speech in New Hampshire in which he appeared to be drunk or overly medicated? Here is a little reminder:

Michele Bachmann? It should have been apparent to everybody with a pulse that she was unqualified from the very day that she announced her candidacy. Bachmann is the moonbat-crazy Tea Party darling who claims that the legendary “Shot Heard Round The World” which started the American Revolutionary War was fired from New Hampshire. She also foolishly stated that the Founding Fathers “worked tirelessly to end slavery.” She also said that judges instruct little children “to learn that homosexuality is normal and natural and perhaps they should try it.” She claims “There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.” She said, “But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” She claimed that our new health care law would allow “that someone’s 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus. That night, mom and dad are never the wiser.” She said, “We’re running out of rich people in this country” and that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation! It would appear that Michele Bachmann is the one suffering from mental retardation.

The Iowa results confirm that Bachmann is not a viable candidate. As the result of her earlier Ames Straw Poll victory in the state, she went “all in” on the Iowa Caucuses. She spent countless hours and resources campaigning there and repeated ad nauseam that she was born in Iowa. Her efforts were fruitless. By receiving only 5% of the vote, she earned the title as “The Biggest Loser”. Despite the fact that evangelical conservative Republicans will vote for most anybody in an attempt to deny Mitt Romney the nomination, even they will not support Michele Bachmann (or Rick Perry).

UPDATE: Bachmann quit today. Ahhh Michele we hardly knew ye!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Bette Davis Eyes” song link:


 (sung to the Kim Carnes song “Bette Davis Eyes”)

Her hair is wild and bold
Her breath smells like fries
Her hands are always cold
She’s got Michele Bachmann eyes
She’s a Tea Party pawn
And she never thinks twice
She’s running out of dough
She’s got Michele Bachmann eyes

And she’ll fleece you
She’ll displease you
With no substance, she’ll just tease you
She’s atrocious
And we knows just what it
Takes to make this ‘Ho blush
She wants to embargo seven guys
She’s got Michele Bachmann eyes

She’s out there all alone
Confused and so uptight
Don’t listen to her drone
She’s got Michele Bachmann eyes
She’s made a fumble or two
Misspoken more than twice
Staffers quit on her too
She’s got Michele Bachmann eyes

And she’ll fleece you
She’ll displease you
With no substance, she’ll just tease you
She’s atrocious
And we knows just what it
Takes to make this ‘Ho blush
She wants to embargo seven guys
She’s got Bette Davis eyes

She’ll tease you
She’ll unease you
Just to squeeze you
She’s got Michele Bachmann eyes

She’ll confuse you
And she’ll lose you
(fade to end)

Posted on January 4, 2012, in Republican and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Make war not love

    Despite Bachmann’s lunatic raving about Ahmadinejad being a “homicidal maniac” the American Taliban weren’t entirely comfortable with letting Marcus choose the new drapes at the White House. Much better to go with Santorum who promised a “Pearl Harbor attack” on Iran.

    Funny thing: Ahmadinejad is just as homophobic as Santorum.

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