Category Archives: Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin Tries Abstinence… Again ???

You know that saying, “You can never go home”? Apparently Bristol Palin does not. The former unmarried pregnant teen daughter of the former half-term ex-quitting Governor of Alaska has vowed to abstain from sex until she and her oil-pipeline worker boyfriend have tied the knot, reports The New York Daily News. the Palin said in an interview with In Touch magazine:

“Gino and I are going to wait until marriage. I’m doing what’s best for me. It’s between me and God, and I know it’s right.”

What a joke! sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up. Palins and abstinence go together like Herman Cain and monogamy. Besides, hasn’t the abstinence door already been slammed shut on Bristol?

Mama Grizzly, Sarah Palin has been denouncing sex education and contraception since she was disastrously thrust upon the American people by John McCain. She has been one of the nation’s foremost advocates of abstinence-only education. Of course Sarah Palin did not personally practice abstinence. It would appear that oldest son Track was conceived prior to her wedding on August 29, 1988 inasmuch as he was born on April 20, 1989.

The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska was also apparently not a very good teacher when it came to instilling the virtues of abstinence on her own children either. First, teen daughter Bristol gave birth out of wedlock. She claims that her “virginity was stolen” (rape?) by her boyfriend one night while she got drunk while on a camping trip. The veracity of that statement is called into question however, inasmuch as Bristol continued to have sex with the same boy for a long time after that. Now we have eldest son Track who also seems to have violated the abstinence only rule. Track was married May 2011, yet wife gave birth to a baby girl  in August 2011.

This brings us back to Bristol Palin who has thrust herself, in true Palin fashion, into the media spotlight once again by launching yet another Palin family reality television series (see “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” and “Dancing With The Stars”). This time it’s “Life’s a Tripp”, in which the single mother runs around aimlessly with her toddler. But really, aren’t there a million 21 year old single mothers doing the same thing? Do we really need a reality television show on the subject?

All of this is as ridiculous as when Bristol Palin became an abstinence-only spokesperson for the “dress like a teen-ho” company known as Candies a few years ago. Palin belonged to the Candies Foundation who’s stated mission is “to educate America’s youth about the devastating consequences of teenage pregnancy”. How’s that for a mixed message between product and message? Here are examples of some wholesome Candies advertisements:

 
Who could be a better role model for abstinence than Bristol Palin, an unwed 21 year old mother? Oh, you can just taste the hypocrisy!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

I Want Candy song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMICD3aMZpw

SHE WEARS CANDIES

(sung to the Bow Wow Wow song “I Want Candy”)

I know a girl who’ll take some heat
Candies pays this gal to speak
She’s got a mother that is a liar
Sarah sucks like a vampire

She wears Candies
She wears Candies

Bristol’s preachin’ all over town
She should shut-up and sit down
She don’t know squat about abstinence
She’s got a big case of arrogance

She wears Candies
She wears Candies
Yeah

(musical interlude)

Bristol is a gal that should know better
She should be sporting a scarlet letter
She left school cuz she was failin’
Just like almost every Palin

She wears Candies
She wears Candies
She wears Candies
She wears Candies

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey

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Sunday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 85

Just a few newsworthy items (and comments thereon) that have been making their way through the political universe this past week but may have escaped your attention. Please ponder and maybe chuckle a bit before enjoying a wonderful day!

BREAKING NEWS:  Has anybody noticed that Fox News has reported on the Rupert Murdoch scandal far less than any other cable television station? Could that be because Murdoch owns Fox News?

THIS JUST IN:  The next time some right wing conservative tells you that Medicare must be abolished because it is unsustainable, please remind them that “over the program’s 75-year planning horizon is less than 0.4 percent of GDP. This is less than one quarter of the cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

BREAKING NEWS:  CNN reported that Democrats and Republicans squared off in the 50th annual Congressional Baseball Game at Nationals Park in Washington Thursday night. The Republicans never led in this one, falling to the Democrats 8-2 in front of more than 7,000 fans. How appropriate.

THIS JUST IN:  Moonbat-crazy Teapublican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced on Friday that she has quit her church. Bachmann, a Minnesota congresswoman, and her husband, Marcus, withdrew their membership from Salem Lutheran Church in Stillwater, Minnesota, last month, according to church officials. When asked about the Bachmanns leaving the church, Pastor Marcus Birkholz said, “I’ve been asked to make no comments regarding them and their family.” Have “the chickens come home to roost”?

BREAKING NEWS:  Business Insider reports that One of the most-respected and economically intelligent publications in the world, The Economist, has turned against the Republican party for its disgraceful behavior with respect to the US debt-ceiling negotiations. The Republicans, the Economist points out, would rather disrupt the US economy and put the country into default than compromise on a long-term deficit and debt reduction plan. This behavior is an abdication of the Republicans’ responsibilities as elected officials.  It puts the Republicans’ self-interest ahead of the country’s. The Republicans’ stance on the debt-ceiling has now gone so far, in fact, that the Republicans appear to be trying to disrupt the economy in order to improve their chances in the next elections, rather than address an economic crisis that threatens to affect millions of Americans. This is not practical or responsible. It’s also not patriotic. It’s traitorous. Jeesh The Economist, don’t sugar-coat it. Tell us how you really feel.

THIS JUST IN:  It was nice to learn that Democrat Janice Hahn easily won a congressional seat (recently vacated by Democrat Jane Harman) in California’s 36th District, fending off a special election challenge from Republican Craig Huey. So much for GOP momentum.

BREAKING NEWS:  Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich‘s campaign is over $1 million in debt. And this is the guy that was going to lead our nation out of its financial difficulties?

THIS JUST IN:  Here is moonbat-crazy Teapublican Michele Bachmann‘s gaffe of the week:

BREAKING NEWS:  Bristol Palin expects “more obnoxious lies” from Levi Johnston in his new book. Wow, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. Remember, Bristol Palin said her “virginity was stolen”.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taADLPtyDb0

PAPERBACK WRITER (BRISTOL VERSION)

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write while raising Tripp alone
It’s based on my life as a teen-aged quack
And a bunch of folks that I wanna attack as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
Do not expect too much from this school drop-out,
I can’t read too well but I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that my mom once told
It’s a real page-turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I tell a tall tale about camping one night
I drank wine coolers and got high as a kite.
Lost my virginity, yes let’s make that clear,
That sure gave me a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Bristol Palin Releases A Juvenile Tell-All

If this isn’t just what America needs! Another Palin has attempted to write a book. First there was “Going Rogue: An American Life”, a ghostwritten memoir by Sarah Palin. That was followed by the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska’s scrapbook of a mess titled, “America By Heart: Reflections Of Family, Faith and Flag”. Now we have daughter Bristol Palin’s “Not Afraid Of Life: My Journey So Far”. What is with these Palins and their affinity for sub-titles anyway?

Bristol Palin of course, is the one-time high school drop-out and one-time unwed pregnant teen-aged daughter of Sarah and Todd Palin. During her campaign for vice president, Sarah often referred to her as the brave daughter who would soon be married to her longtime boyfriend so that the two of them would raise their child in loving harmony. Indeed, the wedding announcement was made before a televised audience. Of course none of that happened. Shortly after Palin’s campaign collapsed, so did Bristol and Levi’s wedding engagement.

After the break-up, Bristol accepted a high paying job with the Candies Foundation to speak out against teen pregnancy of all things. Only in America. She is getting lucratively paid to tell teens not to do exactly what she did. Yikes, talk about shutting the barn door after the horse has escaped!

Like her mom, Bristol has also taken to the world of reality television series. Last year she appeared on Dancing With The Stars and was surrounded with the ever-present Palin aura of controversy. It was alleged that despite her poor dancing skills and the judges’ low scoring, Bristol was not voted off the show by the audience as the result of a well orchestrated effort by Sarah Palin supporters. She was ultimately deemed to be a loser by the show’s judges. As an encore, it was recently announced that Bristol will now be appearing in yet another reality series. This time, the single mom will be shacking up with two male friends in a Los Angeles apartment while raising her son and working for a charity. How realistic is that?

Bristol is truly living the life of the typical unwed mother of a small child. A lucrative spoke-person’s contract, a starring role in two television series, a condominium in Alaska and a brand new home in Arizona and now the author of a memoir of her very own. That is certainly a lot more than most 20 year old single parents could handle. Bristol Palin is truly remarkable.

But what about the book you ask? Well, in short, it is nothing more than the transcription of a female adolescent mind’s gripe session. Bristol does to her friends and associates in this book, what her mother has done to so many of her own in her memoir. She stabs them in the back.

She blasts John McCain’s daughter Meghan by saying she is “self-obsessed” and reveals that after meeting her, Bristol felt she “might need to watch my back”. She portrays John McCain’s wife as looking “like a queen” and holding herself “like royalty”, not to mention having “never seen people with so much Louis Vuitton luggage, so many cell phones, and so many constant helpers to do her hair and makeup.”

Bristol even snipes at the other contestants on Dancing With The Stars. She writes, “I noticed some of the contestants rolled their eyes when they realized we’d survived to dance another day.”

Her sharpest attacks are, not surprisingly, directed at her two-time fiance and the father of her child. Levi Johnston has probably heard all this bad-mouthing from her already, but now the rest of America is on the scoop. First Bristol tells us that her virginity was “stolen” by Levi one night while she was drunk on wine coolers during a camping trip (Hmm, wonder if that’s where the name Tripp came from?). She does not use the word “rape”, so we must deduce that the tryst was consensual. Nonetheless, she goes on to write, “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions.” Those bad decisions continued however, because she then tells us that she was later surprised to learn that she was pregnant at 17 years old despite the fact that she “had been on birth control.”

She then describes Johnston as a disloyal boyfriend who had “romps with other girls”. When confronted, he showered her with gifts, including Coach purses, Abercrombie clothing, and designer rain boots. In return, she forgave Johnston and started sleeping with him again with the hope that he would stop cheating. “It was part ‘thank you,’ part ‘security deposit,” she writes. Bristol even goes so far as to ridicule Levi Johnston’s intelligence. She pointedly makes fun of his grammar and misspellings in notes to her. This is particularly humorous when you consider that it is being said by a high school drop-out who required the help of a co-writer for her memoir.

Don’t worry too much about Levi Johnston however, because his very own “tell all” memoir will be hitting a Barnes & Noble near you this autumn.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taADLPtyDb0

PAPERBACK WRITER (BRISTOL VERSION)

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write while raising Tripp alone
It’s based on my life as a teen-aged quack
And a bunch of folks that I wanna attack as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
Do not expect too much from this school drop-out,
I can’t read too well but I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that my mom once told
It’s a real page-turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I tell a tall tale about camping one night
I drank wine coolers and got high as a kite.
Lost my virginity, yes let’s make that clear,
That sure gave me a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

The Palin’s Have Become The Kardashians

The Kardashian family is the purest example of fame for fame’s sake alone that this great nation of ours can lay claim to. Think of it for a moment. Nobody would have ever heard of any of the Kardashians if O.J. Simpson had not retained Robert Kardashian as part of his “dream team” of legal eagles to defend him in his murder trial. At the time, what was most notable about Kardashian was not his legal expertise, but the fact that he had not practiced law in over 20 years and had allowed his license to practice law to expire. Did he inspire a nation with his legal acumen in the Simpson case? Not so much. He merely sat next to Simpson during the trial while the real lawyers successfully defended the former football star.

Somehow, a star was born. From that point onward anyone with the name Kardashian became an overnight celebrity without having demonstrated any sort of expertise in any field whatsoever. Oldest daughter Kourtney was completely unknown and unaccomplished until she began appearing on television reality shows such as Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Daughter Kim Kardashian followed suit. She too was virtually unknown and unaccomplished until she performed in a widely distributed sex tape with her boyfriend and appeared in the reality television series Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Kim Take New York and Dancing with The Stars. Daughter Khloe Kardashian is also only known for the reality television series Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and Khloe and Lamar (along with husband Lamar Odom of the Los Angeles Lakers) as well as for being arrested and jailed for driving under the influence of alcohol. Son Robert, Jr. has done nothing but appear in the series Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Khloe and Lamar.

Despite their nonexistent achievements, nary a day can pass without media attention on at least one of the Kardashians. Is there any other American family that has accomplished so little yet gained so much fame? The answer is a resounding, “Yes”! The Palins of Wasilla Alaska.

Prior to that late summer day in 2008 when she was named as Republican John McCain’s vice presidential running mate, nobody south of Alaska had ever heard of Sarah Palin. That anonymity ended suddenly however, with the folksy and educationally-challenged Palin’s disastrous series of televised interviews and her inept debate performance. Her fiery stump speeches were heavily laden with one-liners but glaringly short on substance. Consequently, she and McCain were defeated soundly in the 2008 election. Nevertheless, she was considered to be physically attractive enough to catch the attention of similarly uneducated conservative men and members of the media such that she became an overnight celebrity sensation.

After losing the election, Sarah Palin began to get a taste for fame and a similar distaste for the serious world of politics. She promptly quit her position as Governor of Alaska after having served only half of one term. Since then she has had her memoir and another book ghost-written and she has embarked on two nationwide book-signing tours. She joined the lucrative speaking circuit and she has teased about a possible run for the presidency. She has joined the employ of Fox News as a commentator and she has plastered the internet tubes with Facebook postings and Twitter tweets about almost every thought that enters her tiny little head. She even appeared in her very own short-lived reality television series. Sarah Palin has become a lucrative media industry unto herself.

Her family has followed suit, also too. The tabloid magazines love to cover every Palin family trial and tribulation, and there are many. There were the drug related arrests of husband Todd’s half-sister and once-and-future son in law Levi Johnston’s mother. There was Levi Johnston’s quick rise and fall from fame as a Playboy model and potential reality television star. There were the profanity-laced Facebook tirades of two of the young Palin daughters. There was the Palin family’s attempts to have Sarah’s former brother-in-law fired as an Alaskan State Trooper. There was the alleged affair between Todd Palin and an Alaskan prostitute. All of this and we have not even mentioned Bristol yet.

Bristol Palin of course, is the one-time unwed pregnant teen daughter and high school drop-out of Sarah and Todd. During her campaign for vice president, Sarah often referred to her as the brave daughter who would soon be married to her longtime boyfriend so that the two of them would raise their child in loving harmony. Indeed, the wedding announcement was made before a televised audience. Of course none of that happened. Shortly after Palin’s campaign collapsed, so did Bristol and Levi’s wedding engagement.

After the break-up, Levi agreed to model for Playboy Magazine and Bristol accepted a high paying job with the Candies Foundation to speak out against teen pregnancy of all things. Only in America. She is getting lucratively paid to tell teens not to do exactly what she did. There have been recent rumors that at the young age of 22, Bristol has had elective plastic surgery. Like her mom, she also announced that she has been paid by a publisher to write a book. Also like her mom, Bristol has taken to the world of reality television series. Last year she appeared on Dancing With The Stars and was surrounded with the ever-present Palin aura of controversy. It was alleged that despite her poor dancing skills and the judges’ low scoring, Bristol was not voted off the show by the audience as the result of a well orchestrated effort by Sarah Palin supporters. As an encore, it was announced yesterday that Bristol will now be appearing in yet another reality series.

CNN reports, “The BIO Channel announced today that they will air 10 half-hour episodes of a currently untitled Bristol Palin/Massey brothers docu-series. The new program will center around Palin and her son Tripp’s move to Los Angeles, where they will live with actor Kyle Massey and his brother Christopher.”  David McKillop, executive vice president of programming for the A&E Network and BIO Channel, said “Bristol is the kind of personality BIO is drawn to. Her personal life has been playing out in the media for several years but this will be the first time she’s opening up her real life, with her son and her friends the Massey Brothers.”

The Palins are now officially the next Kardashians.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Dancing Queen song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y62OlGvC-bk

DANCING QUEEN

(sung to the ABBA song “Dancing Queen”)

She can dance, she’ll connive, someday she’ll be Levi’s wife
(Ooooh)
Scheming girl, pregnant teen, she is the dancing queen

Not too bright and her sights set low
Stepping out just to earn some dough
Where they play right-wing music, sporting her new bling
Let’s pray that she don’t sing

Baby Tripp is right by her side
Sarah Palin mulls suicide
First Dude, he’s sure to lose it. Here comes Palin decline
There’ll be no second chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, seeking green from the cash machine
(Oh yeah)
She’ll enhance her sex drive, and prove that she is pro-life
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen

She’s a teaser, she leads boys on
Never makes them put condoms on
She’s the unwed teen mother soon to make Baby Two
She loves to take a chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, indiscrete on the TV screen
(Oh yeah)
What’s the chance she’ll survive? Should have been gone by Round 5?
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen
Bristol’s the dancing queen

Palin v. Griffin – MEOW!!!

The ever-pesky Sarah Palin has managed to get herself into another cat-fight. This time she has challenged comedian Kathy Griffin to “bring it on”. You might recall that over the last few years, Griffin has poked a lot of fun at the Palin family. First she ridiculed the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska. After that, she tore into the born-again virgin daughter Bristol. Then, this winter, she promised to take down daughter willow. Now it has been announced that Griffin will play a Palin-esque Tea Party type in a guest spot on the hit television series “Glee”.

Sarah Palin was asked what she thinks of Griffin’s new role while appearing as a guest on Fox News (where else?). Her response included calling Griffin a “has-been comedienne.” She then went on to say,

“You know, Kathy Griffin can do anything to me or say anything about me, because you know, she’s kind of this – she’s a 50-year-old adult bully. I just ask for respect of my children. When she said on CNN that her New Year’s resolution is to destroy my 16-year-old daughter, that takes it a little far.Kathy… pick on me, come on up to Alaska and pick on me, but leave my kids alone.”

Them sounds like fightin’ words to Lynnrockets. It could be billed as “The Thrilla in Wasiila” featuring Kathy “The Has-Been Comedienne” Griffin versus Sarah “The Has-Been Politician” Palin. Stay tuned, because this is a bout in which the fur will be flying.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Kung Fu Fighting song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhUkGIsKvn0

KUNG FU FIGHTING (Version II)

(sung to the Carl Douglas song “Kung Fu Fighting”)

Oh – oh – oh – oh…

Sarah Palin was kung fu fighting
Her words were crude and biting
In fact she is a little bit frightening
And she has the best of timing

One day funky Griffin-gal put Sarah Palin down
She was chopping her up and she was talking her down
Her words gave Sarah a start and then she tore Kathy apart
She was shooting from the hip; when she gave Griffin some lip

Griff and Sarah were kung fu fighting
Their words were tear-inciting
We wish they had put them in writing
Boy, they had the best of timing

She said, “knuckle dragging Griff, you better bite your tongue”
Kath said “Why don’t you get lost, you best be gone”
She said, “this crib-note on my hand says I’m worth one-hundred grand”
Kath said, “when you see my Glee clip, you will just have to bite your lip”

Rick and Sarah were kung fu fighting
Their words were crude and biting
We wish they had put them in writing
Boy, they had the worst of timing

Oh – oh – oh – oh…

Griff and Sarah were kung fu fighting
Their words were crude and biting
We wish they had put them in writing
Boy, they had the best of timing

Oh – oh – oh – oh…
Keep on fighting
Those cats are frightening

Oh – oh – oh – oh…(to fade)

Lynnrockets’ Political Oscar Night Recap

John Boehner thanks the Academy

What with all the attention focused on Hollywood last night, you might not have noticed that the City of Boston held the 235th annual Political Oscars. The storied event was held on the U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) in Boston Harbor so that the Tea Partiers in the audience would feel at home. Prior to the ceremony, the nominees were paraded along the famous Freedom Trail past such historic sites as America’s first voucher-less public school, Paul Revere’s home, the site of the Boston Massacre and the Bunker Hill Monument. As they boarded Old Ironsides, they were pelted with tea-bags before they took their seats on the poop-deck. The event was not widely seen on television because all of America’s lamestream media networks were covering the “other” more popular pageant in LA. Thankfully, Al Jazeera did cover the event.

And the winners were…

Best Female Violent Rhetoric: Failed Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron “2nd Amendment Remedies” Angle

– Runner-up: Reality TV host Sarah Palin – “It’s time to reload”

Best Male Violent Rhetoric: Fox News host and self-described “rodeo clown” Glenn Beck who said, “I want to kill Charlie Rangel with a shovel”

– Runner-up: Failed Arizona Republican Congressional candidate Jesse Kelly who, while running against Gabrielle Giffords, held a fund-raising event that was advertised as “Help remove Gabrielle Giffords from office. Shoot a fully automatic M16 with Jesse Kelly”

Best Female Fictitious Memoir: Reality TV host Sarah Palin for her “America By Heart” wherein the self-professed founding fathers-lover wrote, on page 189,  about the opinions of Founding Father John Adams, including his famous quotation, “we have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion.”   Her mistake is not in her analysis of the importance of faith to John Adams.  No, her error came in claiming that he had been a “leading participant at the Constitutional Convention.” The reality is that John Adams did not participate in the Constitutional Convention. He was Ambassador to Great Britain at the time.

– Runner-up: Condoleeza Rice’s “Extraordinary, Ordinary People” because it fails to mention a single thing about the run-up to the invasion of iraq.

Best Male Fictitious Memoir: George W. Bush who quoted in “Decision Points”, Gerhard Schröder (then German Chancellor),  as having said of the run-up to the Iraq invasion, “What is true of Afghanistan is true of Iraq. Nations that sponsor terror must face consequences. If you make it fast and make it decisive, I will be with you.” Bush then wrote, “I took that as a statement of support. But when the German election arrived later that year, Schröder had a different take. He denounced the possibility of force against Iraq.” Schröder however has had this to say about Bush, “Just as I did during my subsequent meetings with the American president, I made it clear that, should Iraq … prove to have provided protection and hospitality to al-Qaida fighters, Germany would reliably stand beside the US. This connection, however, as it became clear during 2002, was false and constructed.”

– Runner-up: Donald Rumsfeld’s “Known and Unknown” in which he wrote, “Powell was not duped or misled by anybody. Nor did he lie about Saddam’s suspected WMD stockpiles. The president did not lie. The vice president did not lie. (CIA Director George) Tenet did not lie. Rice did not lie. I did not lie. . . . The far less dramatic truth is that we were wrong.” ‘Nuff said.

Best Republican Propaganist (TV): Fox News

Best Republican Propagandist (Radio): Rush Limbaugh

Best Tan: Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner (pronounced “boner”)

– Runner-up: President Barack Obama

Most Creepy Sex Scandal: Todd “First Dude” Palin for having sex with the same prostitute that wife Sarah Palin frequented for massages

– Runner-up: Former married GOP Rep. Chris Lee from New York for posting an eerie shirtless Craigslist ad allegedly searching for both female and transsexual sex partners

Biggest Lie Of The Year 2010: PolitiFact editors and reporters have chosen “government takeover of health care” as the 2010 Lie of the Year. Said Jonathan Oberlander, a professor of health policy at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill:  “The label ‘government takeover” has no basis in reality, but instead reflects a political dynamic where conservatives label any increase in government authority in health care as a ‘takeover.’ ”

– Runner-up: Moonbat-crazy Teapublican Rep. Michele Bachmann’s (MN) claim that Obama was going to spend $200 million a day on a trip to India.

Most Racist State: Arizona, for its unconstitutional “Show me your papers” law

State Which Spends Least Per Pupil On Education: Arizona

Highest Profile Employer of Illegal Immigrants: Failed GOP gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman of California

– Runner-up: Failed GOP presidential candidate Mitt(wit) Romney of Massachusetts

Most Chaste Politician: Failed GOP senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell of Delaware who does not masturbate

– First runner-up: Former ex-quitting half-term Republican governor of Alaska Sarah Palin who’s husband allegedly gets his action from her masseuse

– Second Runner-up: Bristol Palin, the former unwed pregnant teen and single mother who now preaches abstinence

Most Unlikely Presidential Candidate: Republican Donald Trump who would lead this nation out of the worst economic downturn since the great depression with the knowledge and skill he acquired after having filed for bankruptcy on at least four occasions

– Runner-up: Sarah Palin, who said on her failed un-reality television program that she’d rather be in Alaska “than in some stuffy old political office.”

It was a truly memorable night and after all the awards were handed out, the winners and runner-ups all accompanied Master of Ceremonies Charley Sheen down to Boston’s notorious red-light district “The Combat Zone” for more fun and frolic!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

God Bless The U.S.A. song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E

PROUD TO BE A REPUBLICAN

(sung to the Lee Greenwood song “God Bless The U.S.A.”)

If tomorrow all my brains were gone
And I was just plant life
With a feeding tube shoved in
Against the wishes of my wife
I’d thank my lucky stars the G.O.P. had their way
And curtailed my family’s freedom
Made them watch me waste away

Boy, I’m proud to be a Republican
Like Huckabee and Romney
And I won’t forget Glenn Beck who cried
Right there on Fox TV
Cuz they’ll gladly stand up next to you
And berate your union pay
I just love those hate filled flames they fan
They hate the U.S.A.

Bachmann hates in Minnesota
Alaska has Sarah P.
Rick Perry down in Texas
They’re in the Tea Party
Not Detroit nor in Boston
Too liberal, black and gay
There’s no soul in any Republican heart
And they love it just that way

Yes, I’m proud to be a Republican
Just like Rush and Hannity
And I love the facts they do deny
Right there on Fox TV
And I’ll gladly stand up next to you
And castigate Tina Fey
Cuz I never doubt those Red State men
No matter what they say

Oh, I’m proud to be a Republican
As I sit here sipping tea
Palin’s “death panels” can’t be denied
They say on Fox TV
Sarah sends a Twitter –  text to you
Six or seven times a day
It’s Republicans that love this land
In our per-ver-ted way!

All Things Palin Are In Decline

Oh, where do we begin? Things have been going so poorly for the Palin clan of late that it is difficult to find a suitable starting point to chronicle all of their misfortune and bad publicity.

Sarah Palin appeared to be at the apex of her popularity sometime during the summer months of 2010. She was at the forefront of the Tea Party ascension as she bestowed endorsements like blessings upon a plethora of “Mama Grizzlies” in anticipation of the mid-term elections. By the end of the summer, she was all the rage as her very own reality television series was being endlessly promoted. The Queen of Quit was also teasing everyone with the possibility that she might run for President in 2012. Her guest host appearances on Fox News (where else) were increasing. Soon thereafter, daughter Bristol also, too was appearing in a reality television series known as “Dancing With The Stars”. Let’s face it folks, in the latter half of 2010 it was “all Palins, all the time.”

Suddenly however, Palin power and influence took a turn for the worse. Most of Sarah’s  more prominent and controversial “Mama Grizzlies” such as Christine “Witchy Woman” O’Donnell, Sharron “2nd Amendment Remedies” Angle, Linda “Women Are Sex Objects” McMahon, Carly “Worst CEO in History” Fiorina and Meg “Illegal Housekeeper” Whitman lost in the mid-term general elections. Her more prominent and controversial male “Papa Grizzlies” such as John “Lasers In The Sky” Raese, Tom “Bomb Mecca” Tancredo, Ken “No Abortion For Rape Victims” Buck and Dino “Repeal Wall Street Reform” Rossi also lost. Perhaps the biggest blow to Palin however, was that she could not influence the voters of her home state of Alaska to vote for Joe “Dump Social Security” Miller. He lost to a write in candidate of all things. In short, the nation’s voters “refudiated” Sarah Palin.

After the mid-term elections, Sarah Palin began to suffer a steady decline in national polls. The one-time “most popular Governor” began to witness her “approval” numbers drop more quickly than the snow in Alaska. Indeed, as of January 19, 2011 her approval rating descended to an all-time low of 19% according to a CBS/New York Times poll of registered voters.

Worse yet, prominent members of her own Republican Party began to publicly criticize her. Karl Rove stated that Palin lacked the “gravitas” to be President. Newt Gingrich said, “she keeps lowering the bar for herself.” Former First Lady Barbara Bush said she hopes Palin stays in Alaska. Her very first “Baby Grizzly”, Senator Scott Brown (D-MA) said he would not vote for her for president. Even co-worker Mort Kondracke over at uber-friendly Fox News said, “She’s a joke even within her own party. The idea that she would be the presidential nominee is unthinkable.”

In the meantime, Bristol Palin got caught up in a controversy of her own. It was alleged by many that despite the fact that she lacked the dancing skills of many other contestants on DWTS, she continued to survive only because of Palinbot robo-voting. Of course Bristol ultimately lost.

Palin popularity took its worst hit on January 8, 2011 when Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and several others were gunned down in Tucson, Arizona when a deranged lunatic exercised his “2nd Amendment remedies.” The previous March Sarah Palin used a sniper-sight symbol-laden ad which targeted Giffords’ district and  identified Giffords by name on what is now universally considered to be an ill-conceived campaign prop. It was obvious that Palin would now be linked (fairly or unfairly) to that tragedy forever. She made things worse when she attempted to rehabilitate her image via a self-produced video which is now known as her “I Was The Real Victim Of The Tucson Massacre” speech. That video resonated so poorly with Americans that Fox News‘ Sean Hannity unsuccessfully attempted to have Palin talk her way out of it on his program a few nights thereafter.

The Palin family’s bad news continues. First Sarah Palin was crushed by potential rival Mitt Romney in a New Hampshire straw poll which was heavily attended by Tea Partiers. Next, it was Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and not Palin (Q-AK) that was selected to provide the official Tea Party response to the President’s State of the Union Address. Then, last week the National Enquirer reported that husband Todd Palin was a frequent recipient of massages and possibly more from an Alaskan prostitute. Daughter Bristol was then invited and then rejected by Washington University in St. Louis to discuss sexual abstinence at an event scheduled for next month. University students were outraged that student union funds were to be paid to a non-college educated unwed pregnant teen in an effort to “teach” college students about abstinence. Sarah Palin then elected to provide her own response to the State of the Union Address, but in an attempt to cleverly mock the President’s “win the future” tagline, she resorted to refer to it by means of her potty-mouthed “WTF” (gee, I wonder what she meant by that) acronym. Once again, she has been roundly criticized for her vocabulary.

Finally, and potentially most damaging of all is the news that Alaska officials must release by May 31, 2011 an estimated 26,500 pages of personal emails exchanged between the former ex-quitting half-term Governor and her aides. The records release comes after nearly three years. The initial request was made by news entities back when Ms. Palin was running for vice president with Arizona U.S. Senator John McCain. The request includes emails between Ms. Palin and her husband, Todd, who was accused of wielding inappropriate governmental powers. MSNBC (the initial plaintiff in the lawsuit which sought the email release) plans to “post the e-mails online in a searchable archive” in effect, WikiLeaking Sarah Palin. It has been alleged and/or hinted by some Alaskan bloggers that the emails may just be the tip of the iceberg which sinks the good ship Palin as well as her dream of a political future.

The year 2011 is not shaping-up well for Team Palin. Will there be more bad news arising? I bet you Rocketeers can guess where this is leading!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.
“Bad Moon Rising” song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iktMZy0CG30

BAD NEWS ARISING

(sung to the Creedence Clearwater Revival song “Bad Moon Rising”)

Palin sees bad news arising
She sees trouble on the way
She will stick to her lyin’
Emails are on the way

Sarah’s in a plight
And it’s bound to cause her strife
There’s some bad news on the rise

Palin’s secrets will be showin’
We know her end is coming soon
Soon all of us will be knowin’
Palin is a disgrace and ruined

Sarah’s in a plight
And it’s bound to cause her strife
There’s some bad news on the rise
Alright!

(email scrubbing break)

We will be thrilled to forget her
Palin will have tears in her eyes
Looks like she’s in for nasty weather
She’ll be exposed by all her lies

Well, Sarah’s in a plight
And it’s bound to cause her strife
There’s some bad news on the rise

Sarah’s in a plight
And it’s bound to cause her strife
There’s some bad news on the rise

Will Season 2 Be Titled “Sarah Palin’s Arizona”?

Sarah Palin celebrates New Year's Eve in Maricopa, Arizona

For those of you that just cannot get enough of Sarah Palin and the rest of her Wasilla Hillbillies, TLC has just announced that the first season of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” will be released on DVD. Oh yes, for a mere $ 19.98 you can purchase the two disc set beginning on April 5, 2011. The Hollywood Gossip reports, ” The DVD features all 387 minutes of Sarah camping with Kate Gosselin, bashing Michelle Obama and embarking on various hunting and fishing trips.” Now you also too can relive the magic again and again as the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska brazenly executes animals before your eyes for no reason other than television ratings.

Speaking of “former” and “quitting”, it is also now rumored that the Queen of Quit may also be quitting on Alaska. Amy Andrews, the Gossip Girl of Irish Central tells us that all the Palins have had enough of snowy Alaska and therefore will be accompanying dancing daughter Bristol for the sun and good life in Arizona. Andrews says, “There are no ties that bind Sarah to Alaska any more and she will surely prosper in the warmer climate and with far more ease of travel to states like California, not to mention, early primary states in the Midwest and East Coast.” Yet , “It is ironic that Sarah will be ending up in the state where her presidential candidate running mate hails from. If Sarah had lived in Arizona in 2008 she could not have run for VP .”

A source told Robotceleb.com that “Both Sarah and Bristol are millionaires and have had enough of Alaska.” They go on to say that  “Sarah and Bristol raved about the sun and great weather in Los Angeles where Bristol Palin recently lived while appearing on the hit show “Dancing with the Stars”. Bristol Palin is planning on enrolling at Arizona State University in the fall.” Any guess how long the erudite Bristol will last at one of the “biggest party schools” in the nation or at any college for that matter? Then again, if she can’t cut it there, Sarah should be quite capable of helping Bristol fill out a transfer application inasmuch as mom matriculated at five different colleges before earning a mere bachelor’s degree.

As for Sarah Palin, Arizona seems the perfect fit. You might recall that her dad Chuck Heath once said that his daughter transferred out of Hawaii Pacific University because she was uncomfortable with foreigners. No problem with that in Arizona as the result of its racist profiling law and hate of immigrants. The Palins have such pasty white complexions that chances are slim they will ever be asked by an Arizona State Trooper to produce “their papers”. As an added benefit, Sarah Palin will be able to film season 2 of her reality television show in the Grand Canyon State. Palinbots nationwide will be thrilled to see their version of Annie Oakley reload and take aim at the most dangerous game of all, … Hispanics!

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s New Year’s Eve inspired song parody.

Same Auld Lang Syne song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NmdFgFyhnk

SAME OLD LAME WHINE

(sung to the Dan Fogelberg song “Same Auld Lang Syne”)

Met Sarah Palin at a Walmart store
She was shoplifting like a thief
There was no sign of kids or the “First Dude”
‘Cuz Sarah brings home the beef

I recoiled from her aging face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She knew I saw the moose meat in her purse
And then she just fibbed and lied

I said I was not a security man
And then Sarah Palin was glad
She lacked any sense of embarrassment
At the thought that she was bagged

I asked if we could have a drink or two
Cuz she was such a rising star
We met “Joe Sixpack” at the liquor store
And we three went to a bar

We drank a toast to ignorance
We drank a toast to Mao
She tried to explain her head’s emptiness
But she did not know how

She said she’s married to a derelict
Who can’t keep a job if he tried
She would have like to say she loved the man
But she couldn’t stand the guy

I said “death panels” were the end for her
That she could turn a Red-State Blue
And did she fear her would-be son-in-law?
She just said, “Lynn, F_ _ _  you”

She said she hated all the pro-choice whores
And that she hoped they’d go to Hell
I asked if Coulter was a “he” or “she”?
Palin said she could not tell

She toasted her omnipotence
And asked us all to bow
I said, “so long and good riddance,
I must be leaving now”

Then one last toast to ignorance
Cuz it was closing time
She lacks a sense of eloquence
But has that old lame whine

The beers were empty and our tongues were tired
Another book signing today
She put her hat on and hopped on her broom
And I watched her fly away

She graduated from a “safety school”
So she has no-one else to blame
There’s no intelligence inside her dome
That’s why she is so lame.

As Predicted, Bristol Is Next To Flee Sinking S.S. Palin

Those smiles are now fading.

Yesterday, Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off commented upon Thomas Van Flein jumping from the “Good Ship Palin” to work as deputy chief of staff for newly elected Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar. It was noted that Van Flein’s quitting on the “Queen of Quit” was a devastating blow because not only was Van Flein one of only four members of her inner circle, he was also the only Alaskan in that clique. Van Flein realized that the Palin dingy was taking on water as evidenced by so many recent national polls which revealed that Julian Assange (Wikileaks founder) has a better chance of being elected President than Sarah Palin. Before going down with the ship, Van Flein sought the calmer and more temperate waters of Arizona. Today we learned that he was only the first to leave Sarah behind.

In yesterday’s post we speculated that daughter Bristol would be the next rat to flee the distressed Sarah Palin. Guess what? We were correct. The Maricopa Monitor (Arizona) reports today that , “Bristol Palin, the 20-year daughter of former GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has purchased a 5-bedroom home in Maricopa — closing on the nearly 4,000-square-foot dwelling. Palin purchased the house from Michael and Cynthia Smith for $172,000, records show.”

What is it with Palin defectors and the state of Arizona? Could it be that the climate is that much more appealing or is it something else? Is there a Bristol/Van Flein fling that we don’t know about? Probably not, but with the wacky Palin’s, nothing is beyond speculation. Nevertheless, it is certain that Bristol is trying to separate herself from “Mama Grizzly” (can you blame her?). Their relationship is clearly strained. Remember when Sarah publicly made her feelings known about the short-lived Bristol/Levi reunion? Remember when Bristol took pot shots at her mother on “Dancing With The Stars” by choosing songs such as “Mama Told Me Not To Come” and “You Can’t Hurry Love”? It is only a matter of time before one of them writes her own version of “Mommie/Daughter Dearest”. The only question is, who will be the ghostwriter? Neither Sarah nor Bristol is very erudite after all.

Another question is just how will Bristol support herself and baby Tripp now that she has her new crib? It will be an awful long commute to her full time position at that doctor’s office up in Alaska that Sarah once boasted about. Also, that shell of a political consulting business never really found its legs. And, you cannot appear on reality television shows forever. Or can you? Who knows? Let’s wait for the Facebook announcement.

The more pressing question is, who will be the next rat to flee the sinking S.S. Palin? Is our Todd guess still in play. Only the Shadow knows.

Until we learn more, Lynnrockets wishes all of you loyal “Rocketeers” a very Merry Christmas.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s parody.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPAOBN4Pt-Y

HAVE YOURSELF A SARAH PALIN CHRISTMAS

(sung to the Christmas song “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”)

Sarah Palin is far away
She’s out making some cash
This is Sarah Palin’s pay day
Just how long will it last?

Have yourself a Sarah Palin Christmas
Wink and blink your eyes
Leave the bus
And fly your jet up in the skies

Have yourself a Sarah Palin Christmas
Sign books to get paid
Take that dough
From people that you have betrayed

These are not like the olden days
These are golden days for sure
You don’t have to travel by bus
On your marvelous book tour

Come next year
Things will be even better
You’re the cat’s meow
You’ll still have the SarahPAC as your cash cow
So have yourself a Sarah Palin Christmas now

(These are not like the olden days)
(These are golden days for sure)
You don’t have to travel by bus
On your marvelous book tour

Come next year
Things will be even better
You’re the cat’s meow
You’ll still have the SarahPAC as your cash cow
So have yourself a Sarah Palin Christmas now

Palin To Receive “Just Desserts” For Attacks Against First Lady?

One is smart and one's a tart!

As was revealed last week, three national polls indicate that in a head-to-head match-up against Barack Obama for the 2012 Presidency, Palin would be shellacked. Each of those polls showed Obama winning by double digits with one poll giving him a whopping 22 point advantage. Palin admitted on Friday’s episode of Good Morning America that the poll results were “lousy”.

So what does the “Queen of Quit” do in an attempt to rehabilitate her blemished image? Does she “reload not retreat” and continue with her attacks against the President? Of course not. She now realizes that that tactic is failing. Consequently, the ex-former, quitting, half-term Governor of Alaska has set her sights on a different target. She can’t hurt the President personally, so she has now initiated a cat-fight and turned on his wife, the First Lady. Meow!

Is Palin unaware that Michelle Obama enjoys the highest positive ratings of just about anybody in the public eye? That means that it would be even more difficult to tarnish her public image than that of the President’s. Moreover, Palin has elected to criticize Michelle Obama’s signature public policy mission which is to educate families and children about the negative effects of obesity and help them to choose a more healthy diet. A sane rational person might deduce that the First Lady’s mission is both beneficial to the general health of our nation and wildly popular with parents who must compete on a daily basis with massive corporations touting sugar and fat laden foods that are tantamount to a heart attack in a box. A sane rational person might understand that obesity is pervasive as is evidenced by reality television shows such as “The Biggest Loser”. A sane rational person would also connect the dots and understand that a healthier population would help bring down the skyrocketing costs of medical treatment which are handcuffing our nation. A sane rational person, at the very least, would realize that promoting a healthy diet is not a bad thing. Sarah Palin however, is not a sane rational person.

In a blatant swipe at Ms. Obama in Sunday’s episode of her un-reality television show, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, Palin was shown making s’mores and she proclaims the marshmallow and chocolate treat is “in honor of Michelle Obama, who said the other day we should not have dessert.” Of course that is not in any way what the First Lady actually said. Sarah Palin of course, misconstrues the words of others as much as she butchers the English language. Michelle Obama actually said this,

“In the afternoon, there was no way we’d be allowed to lie around the house watching TV. Our parents made us get up and play outside. As I tell my kids, dessert is not a right.”

Once again, a sane rational person would understand that Michelle Obama was simply explaining that tasty desserts should be earned by physical activities which reduce the ill effects of the sugary treats. Once again however, Sarah Palin has demonstrated that she is not a sane rational person.

CNN informs us that this was not not the first time Palin has taken a job at Mrs. Obama over her campaign to discourage fattening foods, especially from public schools. The former vice presidential nominee told conservative talk radio host Laura Ingraham last month that “the first lady cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, for their own families in what we should eat.” Palin also hand-delivered cookies to a Pennsylvania school last month before delivering a speech there, saying: “Who should be deciding what I eat? Should it be government or should it be parents? It should be the parents.”

Sarah Palin is a buffoon. After all, what sane rational parent would object to healthy food being fed to their children at public school rather than unhealthy fat-laden foods? Would Palin also object to those school crossing guards on the grounds that, “Who should be deciding when my child crosses the street? Should it be government or should it be parents?” Probably.

In addition to the futility of her attacks against promoting a healthy diet for children, Palin has also been exposed as a hypocrite. Whatever happened to her edict that family members should be “off limits” in the world of political debate? Palin has violated her very own golden rule by attacking the President’s wife. After all, he is the elected official, not Michelle. What would her response be if Barack Obama criticized daughter Bristol’s teen abstinence campaign as “closing the door after the horse has fled the barn”? Would she play the victim card yet again? You betcha!

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky4wu58XTr4

SARAH PALIN’S COMING TO TOWN

(sung to the Patti Page version of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

Get your wallet out
Wink and blink your eyes
Holler and shout
At protesting guys
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Your town’s on her list
So you must play nice
And listen to Sarah P.’s advice
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

She’ll fleece you while your sleeping
Your money she will take
She’ll force you to purchase her book
Although the story’s fake

Oh, get your money out
So that you can buy
Can’t be without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

The crap she serves is heaping
The truth she does forsake
The writing is so bad it’s good
For a laugh you should partake

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Oh, don’t make Sarah pout
Don’t make Sarah cry
Don’t go without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Your town’s on her list
So you must play nice
And listen to Sarah P.’s advice
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

The crap she serves is heaping
The truth she does forsake
The writing is so bad it’s good
For a laugh you should partake

Oh, don’t make Sarah pout
Don’t make Sarah cry
Don’t go without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town