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Sarah Palin Memorial Month Continues…

Now that Sarah Palin has quit once again and her rapid fade from relevance has commenced, we thought it might be fun to memorialize her by re-posting some of our favorite Palin-centric columns and song parodies from the past. Let’s raise our collective glasses and toast the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska! Ah, Sarah, we hardly knew ye!

This column was originally posted on November 30, 2009. It comments upon Sarah Palin’s lying about conducting a bus tour to promote her book Going Rogue when in fact she was traveling in a privately owned luxury jet.

Sarah Palin: The Fibber On Twitter

Palin arrives by jet, oops we mean bus, in Orlando, FL.

Thanks to our friends over at Palingates (and yes, we are aware of the updated correction), another pack of the former ex-quitting governor’s lies (or purposely misleading statements) has been exposed. Last week that blog revealed that contrary to public opinion and official Palin announcements, Sarah  Palin is not actually on a bus tour to promote sales of her ghost-written memoir. In fact, rather than traveling in a workingman’s motor coach to each of the rural hamlets where she hawks the tome, Sarah prefers the elitist comforts of a privately owned luxury jet. It appears that she takes the jet to the next city on her tour and then discreetly rides the bus only a short distance from either her hotel or the airport to the next book signing event. She is not forthright with regard to her means of travel because she wants her fan base to believe that she is one of them; hardworking and frugal in these recessionary times. She wants them to believe that she lives like them by shopping at second hand stores and by the hands-on raising of her children. This is a calculated deception however, because in reality she and her family wore $ 150,000.00 worth of  clothes that were purchased by means of campaign donations and she pays nannies to raise her children.

Sarah Palin’s deceptions continue by means of her Twitter posts. Once again, the folks at Palingates exposed the deception. On the morning of November 24, 2009, Palin posted the following message on her twitter account:

On bus to Jacksonville, FL book signing. The Southern hospitality around here is unsurpassed – thx for the encouragement!3 book events today

In fact, Palin may have been traveling by bus at that moment, but she certainly did not ride the bus from Birmingham, AL to Jacksonville, FL. The flight log (see below) of her luxury jet reveals that she arrived via plane in Jacksonville the previous evening (November 23, 2009) at 10:09 pm. Palin supporters might be tempted to say that although the plane was in Jacksonville, there is no evidence that Palin was on the plane. Problem is, the plane seems to arrive at and depart from Palin’s book signing event locations on the very day that Palin arrives and departs from those locales. Notice the arrivals and departures from Rochester, NY, Fayetteville, NC, Birmingham, AL, Jacksonville, FL, Orlando, FL and Tri-Cities, WA. That would be quite a coincidence if Palin were not on board.

Great work Palingates!

Today’s song parody is based upon Sarah Palin’s high flying lies about her means of travel. Please enjoy.

Remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

Leaving On A Jet Plane song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4hsC0nRvZM

FLYIN’ ON A JET PLANE

(sung to the John Denver song “Leaving On A Jet Plane”)

All her bags are packed, she’ll “go with the flow”
Dressed like a flight attendant ‘ho
To raise some cash Palin takes to the sky
The “First Dude” must stay home, he’s so forlorn
Stapleton’s waiting, she’s blowing her horn
To hell with that bus, Sarah wants to fly

She’s bitchy yet smiles with glee
Giddy that they pay her fee
She’s more famous now than Plumber Joe
She’s flyin’ on a jet plane
She’ll never ride that old bus again
She’s raking in the dough

From Fayetteville her plane leaves the ground
In Birmingham it touches down
Sarah Palin sits next to the wing
She meets her fans and signs some books too
Then back on the jet with the nice view
Sarah Palin is living like a king

She’s bitchy yet smiles with glee
All her fans have paid her fee
She is headed now for Jacksonville
She’s leavin’ on a jet plane
Her fans left standing out in the rain
They hate to see her go

In Orlando she tells the crew
We now must fly someplace new
Send that decoy bus upon its way
She knows that her fans are dumb
But her plane travel must stay mum
Or they might stop donating their pay

She’s bitchy yet smiles with glee
Happy that they paid her fee
Thinking of the ways she’ll spend her dough
She’s leavin’ on a jet plane
Profiting from their lack of brains
She smiles at them below

She’s bitchy yet smiles with glee
Happy that they paid her fee
Thinking of the ways she’ll spend her dough
She’s leavin’ on a jet plane
Profiting from their lack of brains
She smiles at them below.

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Bristol Palin Releases A Juvenile Tell-All

If this isn’t just what America needs! Another Palin has attempted to write a book. First there was “Going Rogue: An American Life”, a ghostwritten memoir by Sarah Palin. That was followed by the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska’s scrapbook of a mess titled, “America By Heart: Reflections Of Family, Faith and Flag”. Now we have daughter Bristol Palin’s “Not Afraid Of Life: My Journey So Far”. What is with these Palins and their affinity for sub-titles anyway?

Bristol Palin of course, is the one-time high school drop-out and one-time unwed pregnant teen-aged daughter of Sarah and Todd Palin. During her campaign for vice president, Sarah often referred to her as the brave daughter who would soon be married to her longtime boyfriend so that the two of them would raise their child in loving harmony. Indeed, the wedding announcement was made before a televised audience. Of course none of that happened. Shortly after Palin’s campaign collapsed, so did Bristol and Levi’s wedding engagement.

After the break-up, Bristol accepted a high paying job with the Candies Foundation to speak out against teen pregnancy of all things. Only in America. She is getting lucratively paid to tell teens not to do exactly what she did. Yikes, talk about shutting the barn door after the horse has escaped!

Like her mom, Bristol has also taken to the world of reality television series. Last year she appeared on Dancing With The Stars and was surrounded with the ever-present Palin aura of controversy. It was alleged that despite her poor dancing skills and the judges’ low scoring, Bristol was not voted off the show by the audience as the result of a well orchestrated effort by Sarah Palin supporters. She was ultimately deemed to be a loser by the show’s judges. As an encore, it was recently announced that Bristol will now be appearing in yet another reality series. This time, the single mom will be shacking up with two male friends in a Los Angeles apartment while raising her son and working for a charity. How realistic is that?

Bristol is truly living the life of the typical unwed mother of a small child. A lucrative spoke-person’s contract, a starring role in two television series, a condominium in Alaska and a brand new home in Arizona and now the author of a memoir of her very own. That is certainly a lot more than most 20 year old single parents could handle. Bristol Palin is truly remarkable.

But what about the book you ask? Well, in short, it is nothing more than the transcription of a female adolescent mind’s gripe session. Bristol does to her friends and associates in this book, what her mother has done to so many of her own in her memoir. She stabs them in the back.

She blasts John McCain’s daughter Meghan by saying she is “self-obsessed” and reveals that after meeting her, Bristol felt she “might need to watch my back”. She portrays John McCain’s wife as looking “like a queen” and holding herself “like royalty”, not to mention having “never seen people with so much Louis Vuitton luggage, so many cell phones, and so many constant helpers to do her hair and makeup.”

Bristol even snipes at the other contestants on Dancing With The Stars. She writes, “I noticed some of the contestants rolled their eyes when they realized we’d survived to dance another day.”

Her sharpest attacks are, not surprisingly, directed at her two-time fiance and the father of her child. Levi Johnston has probably heard all this bad-mouthing from her already, but now the rest of America is on the scoop. First Bristol tells us that her virginity was “stolen” by Levi one night while she was drunk on wine coolers during a camping trip (Hmm, wonder if that’s where the name Tripp came from?). She does not use the word “rape”, so we must deduce that the tryst was consensual. Nonetheless, she goes on to write, “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions.” Those bad decisions continued however, because she then tells us that she was later surprised to learn that she was pregnant at 17 years old despite the fact that she “had been on birth control.”

She then describes Johnston as a disloyal boyfriend who had “romps with other girls”. When confronted, he showered her with gifts, including Coach purses, Abercrombie clothing, and designer rain boots. In return, she forgave Johnston and started sleeping with him again with the hope that he would stop cheating. “It was part ‘thank you,’ part ‘security deposit,” she writes. Bristol even goes so far as to ridicule Levi Johnston’s intelligence. She pointedly makes fun of his grammar and misspellings in notes to her. This is particularly humorous when you consider that it is being said by a high school drop-out who required the help of a co-writer for her memoir.

Don’t worry too much about Levi Johnston however, because his very own “tell all” memoir will be hitting a Barnes & Noble near you this autumn.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taADLPtyDb0

PAPERBACK WRITER (BRISTOL VERSION)

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write while raising Tripp alone
It’s based on my life as a teen-aged quack
And a bunch of folks that I wanna attack as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
Do not expect too much from this school drop-out,
I can’t read too well but I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that my mom once told
It’s a real page-turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I tell a tall tale about camping one night
I drank wine coolers and got high as a kite.
Lost my virginity, yes let’s make that clear,
That sure gave me a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Has Palin Ever Been This Silent For This Long?

Cat got her tongue?

Oh where, oh where is Sarah Palin?

Come out, come out wherever you are!

We have not heard a word from the former ex-quitting half-term governor of Alaska since she issued her Facebook statement of “sincere condolences” last Saturday following the tragic massacre in Tucson, Arizona. Despite the fact that Palin has come under widespread and intense public scrutiny as the result of her perceived symbolic “call to arms” via her public advertisement which placed a sniper’s rifle-sight image over victim Rep. Gabrielle Giffords’ congressional district and mentioned her by name, Palin has uncharacteristically remained silent. Sure, she sent that self-serving private email to her fellow hate-speaker Glenn Beck which he promptly read on the hate-spewing Fox News network. However, “I hate violence. I hate war” is not exactly a coherent retort of any kind. Why is Sarah Palin so tongue tied?

Where are the defensive (and to many, “offensive”) Twitter tweets and Facebook retorts that always immediately materialize after Sarah Palin is criticized? When David Letterman told an offensive joke about her daughter, Palin’s response was instantaneous. When her lie about “death panels” was exposed, Palin quickly doubled down on her mentioning of the fabrication. When Arnold Schwarzenegger needled her about being able to see Russia from his plane, she hastily criticized his governing abilities. And, when a number of literate citizens pointed out that “refudiate” is not a word, she promptly compared herself to William Shakespeare. Any casual viewer of her TLC un-reality television show has noticed that Palin cannot keep her hands off her Blackberry for more than 5 consecutive minutes. So, the 64 thousand dollar question is, where is Sarah Palin’s response when she has been so broadly criticized for having fostered  a toxic environment of hate that may be partially responsible for the attempted assassination of a public official that she “targeted”? Lynnrockets would concur that Sarah Palin’s silence is generally golden, but something is askew.

This is not to say that others have not spoken on behalf of Sarah Palin. Her defenders have appeared in the “lamestream” (as they always used to call it when they ignored it) media and on countless websites and blogs where they have made every attempt to portray Palin as the actual victim of this tragedy. Some have even gone so far as to absurdly suggest that the deadly shooting was carried out by liberals in an attempt to cast blame on Palin and other members of the radical far-right. One Palin-devoted blog, C4P (Conservatives For Palin) has a contributor named Nicole Coulter who told CBS.com this summer, “We would literally walk across hot broken glass for this woman… She’s our family, and you protect your family; it’s like the mafia.” You can say that again!

The closest member of the Palin clan to publicly comment on the Giffords/Palin connection is Rebecca Mansour. She is a Palin staffer who is active in Palin’s SarahPAC political action committee website. Coincidentally (or not), it was the SarahPAC website (as well as Sarah Palin’s Facebook page) which displayed the controversial sniper-sight symbols. Mansour provides much of the narrative material which appears on the SarahPAC site and it has been alleged that she also ghost-writes many of Palin’s Twitter tweets and Facebook posts. As for the Tucson murders, Mansour said on conservative Tammy Bruce’s radio program last weekend that any attempt to connect the tragedy to Sarah Palin is “obscene” and “appalling”. She went on to say,We never ever, ever intended it to be gun sites.” When radio host Bruce then suggested, “It’s surveyor’s symbols”, Mansour agreed. She responded, “We never imagined, it never occurred to us that anybody would consider it violent.” Rather, she said, that it was simply “crosshairs that you would see on a map. There is “nothing irresponsible about our graphic.

OH, PA—LEASE!!!

Is Mansour so naive as to think that nobody noticed Sarah Palin’s “don’t retreat, instead- RELOAD!” exclamation which appeared on both her Facebook page and the SarahPAC website shortly after the gun-sight graphic was posted and linked directly back to the cross-hair laden map? Did Mansour also think that nobody noticed Palin’s admission that the symbols were bullseyes when she tweeted on November 4, 2010 as follows:

SARAH-PALIN-BULLSEYE
Additionally, if there was “nothing irresponsible’ about the graphic, then why was it suddenly scrubbed from the website on the very day of the murders? Perhaps some very real ghosts began haunting Palin and her ghost-writer after the killings.

Again we ask, when will Sarah Palin come out of hiding and say something on her own behalf?

Paging Sarah Palin! Paging Sarah Palin!

SPECIAL NOTE: Today is Lynnrockets’ birthday. I do not mention this because of some narcissistic tendency, but only because the numeric date (1/11/11) is noteworthy and I am generally unlikely to be associated with anything that is noteworthy. Consequently, the drink will flow tonight (or the earth will end or something!).

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s reader-requested song parody which describes Sarah Palin’s ghost-written books.

Ghost Riders In The Sky song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwAPa0qHmLo

GHOST-WRITER IN THE SKY

(sung to the Frankie Laine song  “Ghost Riders In The Sky”)

Yippie I ay, Yippie I oh
The Ghost-Writers in the sky

Alaska’s dope was whining ‘bout Obama one fine day,
Her patience sure was tested by that actress Tina Fey
When all at once a thousand words in her mind’s eye she saw
A sure fire way to spread her lies and keep her fans in awe

Yippie I oh, Yippie I ay
Her words they would buy

So Palin found a buyer and she signed a big book deal
Her brain-power was tiny so her writing lacked appeal
A bolt of fear went through her as poor Sarah realized
Book writing is so friggin’ hard…but she had to spread her lies

Yippie I oh, Yippie I ay
Ghost-Writer she must find

Her face was gaunt, her eyes were blurred, her blouse was soaked with sweat
She needed a ghost-writer now, so she called Lynn Vincent
She recited made-up stories going back to junior high
The tall tales of a big fat liar… written by a paid ally

Yippie I oh, Yippie I ay
The Ghost-Writer on the sly

The critics were not impressed, they said her book was lame
Her fans were not dissuaded, they all bought it just the same
Sarah went on a book-signing tour, took her fans for a ride
She charged them money for her words…and those fools all complied

Yippie I oh, Yippie I ay
(Yippie I oh, Yippie I ay)
The Ghost-Writers in the sky
Yippie I oh, Yippie I ay
Yippie I oh, Yippie I ay
Yippie I oh, Yippie I ay

Sarah Palin’s Cash Grabbing Book Tour Redux

Watch your mouth, young lady!

Here we go again. The Sarah Palin Travelling Book Tour and Money Grab is preparing for its next junket. The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska has announced that she will travel to 13 states in 11 days, including Iowa and South Carolina, sites of early presidential battles, according to a schedule provided to CNN by the book’s publisher, Harper Collins. Palin needs to raise money by means of these book signings because rumor has it that her private library was destroyed by fire last week and both books were lost before she could even finish coloring them.

Palin’s new book will be unleashed upon the unsuspecting public on November 23, 2010. This time however, there will be no question as to who actually wrote the book. You might recall that the educationally limited Palin was forced to employ a ghost-writer to pen her last tome. Palin has elected this time to dispense with the subterfuge (and criticism of the use of a ghost-writer) and simply release a book filled with the written works of others.

That’s right, in America By Heart, the former half term ex-quitting governor of Alaska, Fox News consultant and Reality TV host will reveal the sacred and personal nature of her love for our nation by simply pasting together a buffet of sermons, poems, speeches and essays which were authored by other people. Palin claims that these written pieces are the ones that “have moved her”. As HarperCollins puts it, the book will include…

“the nation’s founding documents, to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies.” (Favorite songs? Do you think she might include any of the Lynnrockets parodies?).

Seriously, would Sarah Palin ever dare to honestly reveal to the world the readings, sermons, songs and movies that inspired her? For example, will she tell us about the sermon that inspired her to have the witches driven from her body in that Youtube clip that everyone has seen? Will she reveal that the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off inspired her to skip so many classes that it took her over 6 years to earn a mere bachelor’s degree from a series of second rate colleges? Will she actually admit that she was inspired by the little known book, Sarah, Plain and Stupid? Will she explain how the “founding fathers” of the secessionist Alaska Independence Party (the AIP) inspired her to promote the party when she was Governor (and inspired “First Dude” Todd to actually register with the Party)? Would she ever dare to fess-up to the fact that her post-governorship career was inspired by the song, “Barbie Girl” (if you are not familiar with this song, click here)? Good grief!

Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off believes that it is our civic duty to warn the citizens of America as to when the Sarah Palin train wreck may be headed their way. To that end, here is her travel itinerary:

Nov. 23: Phoenix, Arizona
Nov. 26: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Nov. 27: Norfolk, Nebraska
Nov. 27: Des Moines, Iowa
Nov. 28: Andover, Kansas
Nov. 28: Dallas, Texas
Nov. 29: Houston, Texas
Nov. 29: New Orleans, Louisiana
Nov. 30: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Nov. 30: Little Rock, Arkansas
Dec. 1: Brentwood, Tennessee
Dec. 1: Lexington, Kentucky
Dec. 2: Spirit Lake, Iowa
Dec. 2. Carmel, Indiana
Dec. 3: Cincinnati, Ohio
Dec. 3: Columbia, South Carolina

You have now been forewarned. If you want to avoid Sarah Palin and her hypnotized, brain-dead, zombie-like worshippers, mark your calendars now so that you can “get out of Dodge”. Perhaps the sane residents of each of these cities and towns can take a page from our famous “forefathers” that Palin likes to reference so often and appoint a reliable Paul Revere-like patriot who can race through town shouting, “The Palins are coming! The Palins are coming!” At the very least, the air-raid sirens should be utilized.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

On The Road Again song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TD_pSeNelU

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

(sung to the Willie Nelson song “On The Road Again”)

On the road again –
Sarah can’t wait to get on the road again
The life she loves is taking money from her friends
Palin can’t wait to get on the road again

On the road again –
Goin’ places that she’s never been
Palin thinks that she’s campaigning once again
So she’s stealing dough from all her brain-dead friends

On the road again –
Like a band of gypsies, Palins ride the highways
Grifting never ends
Persisting like a plague that’s coming our way, yes our way

On the road again –
She says its great to just “reload” again
Good Lord above will Palin’s grifting never end?
Sarah can’t wait to get on the road again

(Fox News love-in break)

On the road again –
Just those Palin pip-squeaks always talking sideways
Every word offends
Insisting that the world keep turning their way, yes their way

She’s on the road again –
Palin can’t wait to get on the road again
The life she loves is taking money from her friends
And she can’t wait to get on the road again
And she can’t wait to get on the road again

Oops, She Did It Again! (Sarah Palin Redux)

As you all know by now, Harper Collins will release Sarah Palin’s new work of fiction on November 23, 2010. This time however, there will be no question as to who actually wrote the book. You might recall that the educationally limited Palin was forced to employ a ghost-writer to pen her autobiography. That would seem especially strange inasmuch as Palin claims to have achieved a degree in journalism (after 6 years and 5 sub-par colleges). Then again, we have all been subjected to enough of Palin’s tweets, Facebook posts and speeches to realize that she is essentially illiterate. So this time Palin has elected to dispense with the subterfuge (and criticism of the use of a ghost-writer) and simply release a book filled with the written works of others.

That’s right, in America By Heart, the former half term ex-quitting governor of Alaska, Fox News consultant, reality tv host and new BFF of Kate with 8 will reveal the sacred and personal nature of her love for our nation by simply pasting together a buffet of sermons, poems, speeches and essays which were authored by other people. Palin claims that these written pieces are the ones that “have moved her”. As HarperCollins puts it, the book will include…

“the nation’s founding documents, to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies.” (Favorite songs? Do you think she might include any of the Lynnrockets parodies?).

Seriously, would Sarah Palin ever dare to honestly reveal to the world the readings, sermons, songs and movies that inspired her? For example, will she tell us about the sermon that inspired her to have the witches driven from her body in that Youtube clip that everyone has seen? Will she reveal that the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off inspired her to skip so many classes that it took her over 6 years to earn a mere bachelor’s degree from a series of second rate colleges? Will she actually admit that she was inspired by the little known book, Sarah, Plain and Stupid? Will she explain how the “founding fathers” of the secessionist Alaska Independence Party (the AIP) inspired her to promote the party when she was Governor (and inspired “First Dude” Todd to actually register with the Party)? Would she ever dare to fess-up to the fact that her post-governorship career was inspired by the song, “Barbie Girl” (if you are not familiar with this song, click here)?

Who knows what the 2009 “Liar of the Year” will include in her new tome. Stay tuned for its release on November 23rd as Sarah Palin is sure to put the Bible in bibliotheque. Until then, please enjoy today’s topical song parody.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwap79uy1G8

PAPERBACK WRITER

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Rush and Coulter, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write in my Wasilla home
It’s based on the life of a political hack
And I take a few shots at  Johnny Mac as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
It was edited by Todd the school drop-out,
He can’t read too well but he loves me as a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that Bristol once told
It’s a real page turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

My new book will appeal to those on the right
And everyone that is straight, racist and white.
Bill O’Reilly will love it, please have no fear,
I sure needed a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Sarah Palin And The Paperback Writer

"Say it ain't so, Joe."

We just cannot let this Sarah Palin/Joe McGinniss feud fade away without another post on the subject. In fact, this potential Hatfield/McCoy standoff is likely to provide enough juicy material for many more posts (not to mention a Saturday Night Live skit or two). What could be better than an investigative journalist actually living right next door to the subject of his next book?

By the way, what’s up with Sarah Palin’s sick obsession with the sexual violation of her daughters? First we learned on the campaign trail that unwed teen daughter Bristol was pregnant despite all that “abstinence only” training she received from her formerly unwed pregnant mother. Next, Palin accused David Letterman of soliciting the statutory rape of daughter, Willow. Then we learned from reading her ghostwritten memoir, that both daughters Willow and Bristol were threatened with gang rape from schoolmates,

In that first year, I was alerted to threats against Willow by students at her Juneau school, one particularly disturbing. Someone posted a note on an Internet site threatening to gang-rape her at school. I never felt safe for her after that. Later, the same thing happened to Bristol.

Of course “Mama Bear” never reported the alleged threats to school officials or law enforcement at the time. Now we have Palin alleging that writer Joe McGinniss is some sort of perverted peeping tom. In a recent Facebook entry, Palin wrote,

Wonder what kind of material he’ll gather while overlooking Piper’s bedroom…

It is clear that Sarah Palin has some weird sexual hangups involving minors.

Greater Wasilla (Alaska) better get ready for a long hot summer with plenty of fireworks on display in and around the Palin/McGinniss compound. We can imagine screaming tantrums from Palin, mocking waves from McGinniss and the Wasilla police setting up a temporary station on their street. Will the Palins’ spite fence grow taller and taller? The new neighbors’ backyards will be filled with cold stares, hot glares and sneak peeks. All in all though, what did Palin expect? She cozied up to Joe Sixpack and Joe The Plumber, so how could Joe The Writer be expected to know that he would be unwelcome in Palinland?

Palin's spite fence.

Let’s all hope for a summer full of comedic altercations. In the meantime please enjoy this re-working of a previous re-working of the Beatles’ song “Paperback Writer”.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwap79uy1G8

PAPERBACK WRITER II

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my book?
It took me months to write while I had a look
All of those things that I could see and hear
I put them in my book and I’m gonna be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Its a dirty story of a dirty clan
Led by Sarah Palin and her “First Dude” man
I learned so much by reading through their mail
They’re a seedy mob but its fun to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s a thousand pages give or take a few,
It has some photos I took from my scenic view.
I must admit the Palins never do smile
They just sulked around in plain site of this paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I loved all the fighting I could hear at night
It wafted through the fence despite its massive height.
You’ll learn all about them so please have no fear,
They will quiver and quake but I’m gonna be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Sarah Palin The Bibliotheque

Oh this is delicious. Sarah Palin is releasing a new book. Publisher HarperCollins has announced that the former ex-quitting Governor of Alaska and failed Republican (is “failed Republican” redundant?) US Vice Presidential candidate is releasing  a second book titled, “Family, Faith and Flag”. How original! By the way, it is just as uniquely subtitled, “A Celebration of American Virtues and Strengths”. Way to go out there on a limb Sarah, in an effort to comment on something controversial. Will Ms. Quittypants never learn that you can only drape yourself in the flag so long before people begin to question your motives (and sanity)?

Most likely as a direct result of her poorly penned, critically panned and mostly ghostwritten first book, Palin has elected to leave the writing to others this time. This book will simply be a collection of readings that have inspired the educationally challenged reality television series host. As HarperCollins puts it, the book will include…

“the nation’s founding documents, to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies.” (Favorite songs? Do you think she might include any of the Lynnrockets parodies?).

Seriously, would Sarah Palin ever dare to honestly reveal to the world the readings, sermons, songs and movies that inspired her? For example, will she tell us about the sermon that inspired her to have the witches driven from her body in that Youtube clip that everyone has seen? Will she reveal that the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off inspired her to skip so many classes that it took her over 6 years to earn a mere bachelor’s degree from a series of second rate colleges? Will she actually admit that she was inspired by the little known book, Sarah, Plain and Stupid? Will she explain how the “founding fathers” of the secessionist Alaska Independence Party (the AIP) inspired her to promote the party when she was Governor (and inspired “First Dude” Todd to actually register with the Party)? Would she ever dare to fess-up to the fact that her post-governorship career was inspired by the song, “Barbie Girl” (if you are not familiar with this song, click here)?

Who knows what the 2009 “Liar of the Year” will include in her new tome. Stay tuned for its release on November 23rd as Sarah Palin is sure to put the Bible in bibliotheque. Until then, please enjoy today’s topical song parody.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwap79uy1G8

PAPERBACK WRITER

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Rush and Coulter, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write in my Wasilla home
It’s based on the life of a political hack
And I take a few shots at  Johnny Mac as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
It was edited by Todd the school drop-out,
He can’t read too well but he loves me as a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that Bristol once told
It’s a real page turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

My new book will appeal to those on the right
And everyone that is straight, racist and white.
Bill O’Reilly will love it, please have no fear,
I sure needed a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Levi Plans To Bare His Johnston In Tell-All Tome Of Palin

Levi Johnston

We have been wondering for months when an update on Levi Johnston’s tell-all tome would emerge. Well, thanks to New York Magazine and its eight page article on all things Palin last weekend, we have been rewarded with some news not only about the book, but also about Johnston’s new lifestyle. It appears that much like that of his once and future mother-in-law, Johnston’s finances and celebrity have been greatly enhanced by the nation’s thirst for information about Sarah Palin.

Levi Johnston is well aware that, but for impregnating the former Republican vice presidential nominee’s unmarried teen-aged daughter, he would simply be one of many unknown and probably penniless teen fathers. As a consequence of Palin’s celebrity however, he may soon have his own reality television series to compete with that of the former ex-quitting governor of Alaska’s. He has also been able to capitalize on some of the finer things in life such as an agent, a bodyguard and jet setting trips to Los Angeles for magazine nude photo layouts (ala Scott Brown).

The New York Magazine article quotes Levi Johnston’s description of his proposed reality show as follows:

“It’s everything I do, man. Kinda like the Kardashian show,” Johnston says, describing his proposed show. “It’s everything. Like one day I’ll be hunting, next day I’ll be, ‘Hey, I gotta fly to California tonight,’ so I’ll hop on a flight. Go to a party, maybe meet a chick, bring her back to Alaska and take her fishing and see if she can hang. If not, kick her out. Then go hang out with my son, or go to the track and race my dirt bike. Next week, up in the mountains sheep hunting. Or jumping out of airplanes. I don’t know. It’s not looking at glaciers and going to Bristol Bay.”

As for his proposed book, Johnston says,

he’s working on a memoir that would air the true story of the Palin household. “They’re never around each other,” Johnston says of Sarah and Todd. “It’s like they hate each other but they don’t want anyone to know it. I think they were gonna get a divorce, but then they were like, ‘Let’s not prove them right.’ I’ve never seen them sleep in the same room, he’s always on this little recliner. For years, they never really talked.”

He also told the magazine that he’s not surprised Palin is cashing in. “When she lost, I knew exactly what she was gonna do,” he says. “The whole time she was getting big-money offers for book and TV shows. I was like, All right, she’s gonna pick that up. It was just a matter of time before she quit. I know everything there is to know about her,” Johnston adds. “She’s so fake. But she’s so good at it, too. She’s amazing at it. If I didn’t know it, I wouldn’t know the difference.”

Way to go Levi. Don’t spill all the beans just yet. We can wait for all the lurid details in your book. Do us a favor though? Don’t make us wait too long. OK?

In honor of the troops, today’s song parody musically illustrates the intriguing Sarah Palin/Levi Johnston relationship. Remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

The Ballad Of John And Yoko song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t3oaPNJieg

THE BALLAD OF SARAH AND LEVI

(Sung to the Beatles song “The Ballad of John and Yoko”)

Posing in a condo in New York,
Levi about to remove his pants
He now has a knack
To annoy SarahPAC
Yet most of them will still want to take a glance

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
To play second fiddle,
To the Caribou-Barbie.

Sarah claims that she is embarrassed
Really, she just envies his fame
Katie Couric did say,
“Can you pray away gay?”
“And can you point out some newspapers by name?”.

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
Those interviews on TV.
Reviews were not glowing
For the brain-dead Sarah P.

Levi’s camped-out in the Manhattan Hilton,
Media folks want him to speak
The newspapers said,
“What’s going on in your head?”
He said, “I think Sarah just wants a quick peek”

Christ you know she’s so sleazy,
She won’t speak without a fee
The next show she’s doing
Will be with Sean Hannity

Keeping every penny of per-diem pay,
Lying about clothes to charity,
Daughter that’s unwed,
Is someone inbred?
Her chance to win election, pretty low – Think!

Relatives all getting arrested.
Family dignity in free-fall.
McCain’s folks still claim,
“Palin was to blame”
But Sarah says that they dropped the ball

Christ you know she’s so sleazy
She lies so effortlessly
But Levi is going,
To crucify Sarah P.

How did Mac choose Sarah to begin with?
She is just a political hack.
A dumb “hockey mom”,
That can’t think and chew gum.
Why didn’t he select “Joe Sixpack?”

Christ she makes us uneasy.
In Yiddish we say, “Oy Vey.”
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.

Sarah Palin: Likely To Quit Again

The former ex-quitting Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin may be quitting again. Palin quit her job as Governor after only half a term and she has been a no-show at many speaking engagements both before and after, including the CPAC Conference in DC.  She also recently quit the Republican National Committee after it sponsored a soiree at a lesbian/bondage strip club. Now, New York Magazine reports that the Queen of Quit may be abandoning her quest for the Presidency.

The reason? Simple. Sarah Palin cares most about money. The article suggests that she quit the governorship because “she was going broke”. She needed money and worried about it constantly. “You have to keep in mind,” Bill McAllister, her then–press secretary, told the magazine, “she and Todd were middle class. They’re rich now, but not then.” Indeed, even a John McCain adviser said, “Deep down, she wanted to make money.”

In fact, the magazine says that the single greatest influence on her quitting the governorship was that Alaska’s ethics rules might have prohibited her from profiting from a book tour or a political action committee or legal defense fund.

In March, she petitioned the Alaska attorney general’s office, which responded with a lengthy list of conditions. “There was no way she could go on a book tour while being governor” is how one member of her Alaska staff put it.

Hence, she quickly quit the governorship and quit on the people of Alaska that elected her.

Sarah Palin elected to pursue money and fame at the expense of her supporters and her stated ideals. She claims to represent the “everyman”, the “Sixpack Joes” and the “hockey moms”. Simultaneously however, she charges those very supporters exorbitant fees to see her or have a photo taken with her. Unlike the working class, she travels in Lear Jets at a cost of some $ 1,500.00 per hour and is building a new 6000 square foot manse. It is estimated that she has made some 12 million dollars since quitting last July. Indeed, Sarah Palin better resembles Richie Rich than Joe The Plumber.

The magazine article states that in 1996, a few weeks into her run for Wasilla mayor, Palin revealed to Laura Chase, her campaign manager at the time, the scope of her ambition. “We were sitting at my table one night and I said, ‘Sarah, one day you could be governor.’ She just looked at me and said, ‘I don’t want to be governor, I want to be president.’ ” Strangely, it is Sarah Palin’s quest for fame and fortune that will most likely dissuade her from seeking the presidency. Palin plans on selling another book and she continues to charge $ 100,000.00 per speaking engagement. At some point, the Tea-Baggers that idolize her will realize by witnessing her lavish lifestyle, that she is not one of them. They will recognize her as being a member of the celebrity class that they so despise. Consequently, their support for her will wane. Additionally, she has already alienated the more mainstream members of the Republican Party. New York Magazine writes,

While careful not to say anything that might make her rear her head, some in the GOP Establishment whisper that they hope Palin stays in Wasilla. She may be useful in raising funds and drawing crowds, but Palin’s unseriousness and carnival antics damage the brand. “There’s a big piece of the Republican Party that doesn’t want her to run,” said one national Republican strategist.

So, as Sarah Palin begins to amass tremendous wealth, she is losing support from her base. Palin however, loves the money and fame too much to abandon it for such a pedestrian and low paying position as the President of the United States. Sarah Palin is too selfish to ever accept the paycut. She will not run for President in 2012. In short, it’s all over now.

EXTRA

As mentioned yesterday, we had the opportunity to attend the Salem State College (Salem, MA) Speaker Series last evening featuring Ted Kennedy, Jr. as well as a private reception thereafter. Mr. Kennedy did not disappoint. As we all witnessed at his father’s funeral, young Kennedy has inherited his family’s style of oration. He spoke mostly about his work as an attorney for the disabled but he also dabbled on the subjects of health care reform and on things he learned about his family upon reading his father’s memoir, True Compass.

One such revelation from the book was his grandmother, Rose Kennedy’s involvement in the Cuban Missile Crisis. Kennedy explained that she had a fondness for obtaining books authored and personally autographed by world leaders which she would dole out at as Christmas presents each year. At the height of the missile crisis in which nuclear war threatened to wipe out civilization as we know it, the KGB intercepted a handwritten letter from a Mrs. Rose Kennedy of Hyannisport, MA in which she requested a few autographed copies of Premier Nikita Khrushchev’s most recent book. The KGB apparently could not figure out what plan the CIA was up to or what they wanted and so they inquired. When Jack Kennedy got the news, he asked his mother what she was up to. Rose simply explained that Jack should know that she gifts out autographed books from world leaders each Christmas, and this year it was Khrushchev’s turn!

Inasmuch as his speech was being delivered in Salem, MA, Kennedy felt that he should mention that on his mother’s side, he was a descendant of one Mary Eastey who in 1692 was hanged in the city (along with many others) for the crime of being a witch. He thanked the present residents for being much more kind to him.

Most importantly however, when asked about newly elected nudist Republican US Senator Scott Brown, Kennedy kindly stated that he wished him luck but that he will be judged by constituents according to how he votes. He hinted that thus far the votes were not in conformity with the views of most Massachusetts citizens but inasmuch as Brown is up for re-election in 2012, there is time for somebody to announce their candidacy in the not too distant future. When a few members of the audience shouted out, “What about you, Ted”, he politely smiled and moved on to the next subject. Kennedy clearly left the door open for a run for his father’s old seat without providing any negative comment about Brown which could prematurely be used as ammunition against him. He showed the skill of a true politician. We certainly hope he runs for that seat.

Kennedy Jr. concluded by taking a number of unscreened questions from members of the audience. He handled them deftly without resort to palm written crib notes.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s Sarah Palin song parody.

It’s All Over Now song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbpU5vBYnfU&feature=related

IT’S ALL OVER NOW

(sung to the Rolling Stones version of the song “It’s All Over Now”)

Well, Palin was around way too long
She winked those eyes, went to Hong Kong
But her heart’s now broken, that’s no lie
Tables turn and now it’s her turn to cry

Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now

Well, she thought that she’d be crowned a queen in D.C. Town
She’d spend book deal money to buy herself some fame
She has no clout, that must be a blow to her pride
Tables turn and now it’s Sarah who cries

Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now

(musical interlude)

Well, on Meet The Press Sunday morning, did you hear what they said?
“Palin’s political future is all but dead”
Brooks, Dionne and Murphy really smacked Palin down
Now the whole world knows that she is just a clown

Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now

Run Sarah, Run !!!

Palin - Gump 2012

Sarah Palin is not the type to disappoint. When the former ex-quitting governor of Alaska gave up on her constiuents and walked away from her job last July, we all worried that we would lose our favorite source of entertainment and target of witty criticism. There was no need to worry however, because she announced that her memoir would soon be released and that there would be a nationwide small hamlet book tour. She delivered in true Palin fashion. The book was a non-fact checked, hilariously poorly written work of fiction and the bus tour turned into a secret private jet tour that nonetheless drew a multitude of bloodthirsty shut-ins into the light of day for all to marvel at. A freak show if you will.

In addition to the book, she also informed the world that her plans were to embark as a featured speaker on the lecture circuit. As a warm-up for this new vocation, she flew off to Hong Kong so as to address a group of investors. The reviews were not kind. Consequently, the demand for her services dwindled to the point where she was forced to accept gigs at such spectacular forums as the Bowling Convention and the Wine and Alcohol Wholesalers’ Convention. imagine the fun we will have when the transcripts of those speeches become public?

She then accepted a position as a guest host on the Fox News network. She promptly began to appear on such shows as Hannity, The O’Reilly Factor and The Glenn Beck Show. Needless to say, she fit right in with the Fox menagerie. She was at ease in the comfortable environment of friends and candidly answered such hard hitting questions as, “What is your favorite color?” and “Does it snow a lot up where you live?”. We are sure to have much more fun as she appears regularly on these programs.

Finally, this weekend she was the keynote speaker at the first Tea-Bagging Convention in Nashville. Of course other than Terrible Tom Tancredo, she was just about the only speaker at the event as the result of multiple cancellations. But Sarah Palin came through in spades. During the convention she taped a segment with Fox News in which she announced that she would consider a run for president in 2012 if the situation was right for her family and the nation. Our prayers have almost been answered. CNN reports that she said she would run,

…if I believed that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family. I think that it would be absurd to not consider what it is that I can potentially do to help our country. I won’t close the door that perhaps could be open for me in the future.

Just imagine all the side splitting laughs we will enjoy as she spars with the likes of Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Tim Pawlenty in Republican primary debates. “Please give me a moment Mr. Romney as a I consult the crib notes on my hand”! “Mr. Gingrich, do you mind if I call you ‘Cute Newt'”? The possibilities are endless. Of course she will also be required to appear on serious Sunday morning news programs such as Face The Nation and Meet The Press. We will all enjoy looking at the puzzled visages of the hosts as she tosses up one of her signature word salads. Not to mention, a long presidential run will also afford Levi Johnston the opportunity to have a book tour of his own as well as the chance to appear on even more gossip minded television shows.

RUN SARAH, RUN !!!

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Y-M-C-A song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS9OO0S5w2k

2-0-1-2

(sung to the Village People song “Y-M-C-A”)

Sarah, there’s no need to feel down
I said, Sarah, just because you’re a clown
I said, Sarah, a smile isn’t a frown
There’s no need to be unhappy.

Sarah, you lost a race with McCain
I said, Sarah, you flushed him right down the drain
And you messed up all of your interviews
But you’re still on the nightly news

We’ll all laugh at you in 2-0-1-2
We’ll all laugh at you in 2-0-1-2

We’ll have such a good time when you fall on your face,
And we’ll revel in your disgrace…

We’ll all laugh at you in 2-0-1-2
We’ll all laugh at you in 2-0-1-2

You will have SarahPac, and a new running mate
To help spread Politics of Hate…

Sarah, are you listening to me?
I said, Sarah, you’ll have to go on TV
I said, Sarah, I’m sure we’ll laugh till we pee
And you’ve got to know this one thing!

You make a big ass of yourself
Every time that you open your mouth
You give ammo, to our friend Tina Fey
She just repeats the things you say…

We’ll all laugh at you in 2-0-1-2
We’ll all laugh at you in 2-0-1-2

You’ll get all of the votes from the states that are red
But, the G.O.P. is now dead…

We’ll all laugh at you in 2-0-1-2
We’ll all laugh at you in 2-0-1-2

You can wink and then blink, and twit everyone,
But, you’ll need a fork cuz you’re done…

Sarah, you’ll have a case of the blues
I said, Sarah, has no grasp of world views
But that’s OK, cuz she amuses us,
As we throw her under the bus…

That’s when she will realize that,
Her future, is modeling for “Arctic Cat”
Maybe she’ll host a reality show
If they pay her with enough dough.

We’ll all laugh at her in 2-0-1-2
We’ll all laugh at her in 2-0-1-2

She can wink and then blink, and twit everyone,
But, she’ll need a fork cuz she’s done…

2-0-1-2
We’ll all laugh at her in 2-0-1-2
Sarah, Sarah you’ll wear a big frown
Sarah, Sarah to us you are a clown

2-0-1-2
We’ll all laugh at her in 2-0-1-2
Sarah, Sarah you’ll have a case of the blues
Sarah, Sarah I said, why don’t you just go vamoos.
2-0-1-2