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Palin Is Failin’

Think about this for a moment. When is the last time you heard any mention of Sarah Palin since she announced that would not seek the Republican Party nomination for President? It has been a long time hasn’t it? Most of you have probably not heard mention of her since that very day of October 5, 2011.

During a radio interview that day, the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska told a conservative host that she could actually be more influential and powerful if she was not in fact, elected to the most influential and powerful office in the world. She said, “Not being a candidate, really you are unshackled and you’re able to be even more active. I need to be able to say what I want to say.” This type of confusing double-speak of course, was a Palin trademark since that unfortunate day in 2008 when John McCain unleashed the “Disaster from Alaska” on the Lower 48.

Unfortunately for Sarah Palin, her new-found “unshackled” status with its freedom to be “more active” and “to say what I want to say” has been a one-way street. You see, the American people no longer care what Sarah Palin has to say and they are not interested in what she does. Additionally, Palin has certainly not been “more active” than she was during the days of her book tours and PAC-sponsored family-vacations. Indeed, her prediction of enhanced influence in the political realm seems to have been “unshackled” from reality.

Palin is aware of her diminishing star power however, and she is determined to place herself back in the spotlight. Much like her intentionally long-delayed presidential announcement was designed to maintain her relevance for as long as possible, her present reluctance to endorse a presidential candidate serves the same purpose. By teasing her Tea Party sycophants who tend to obey her every command, Palin has maintained some relevance within that small but diminishing faction of society.

But Sarah Palin craves more than that. Tea Party relevance does not necessarily translate into money and stardom. Palin cannot simply release another ghost-written book either because most Americans no longer seem to care what she has to say. Consequently, Palin realizes that the only avenue remaining is a return to low-brow reality television like so many other washed-up celebrities. The fact that she and her family fit the mold of dysfunctional sit-com soap-opera characters only adds to the allure of the boob tube.

Consequently, we learned this weekend that her former reality show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska” may return for a second season following its hiatus during the Queen of Quit’s flirtation with a presidential run last season. This second season would presumably feature more staged vignettes of Sarah and family fishing, hunting, bickering and drilling for oil. It has been rumored that the re-emergence of this particular show followed Palin’s failed attempt to create a spin-off series featuring husband Todd the “First Dude” on the professional snow-machine circuit. Apparently TLC could not be convinced that snowmobile racing is the next NASCAR. Of the renewed series however, a network source told the Hollywood Reporter, “I think it is safe to say her time has passed.”

Ahh Sarah Palin, we hardly knew ye!

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky4wu58XTr4

SARAH PALIN’S COMING TO TOWN

(sung to the Patti Page version of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

Get your wallet out
Wink and blink your eyes
Holler and shout
At protesting guys
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Your town’s on her list
So you must play nice
And listen to Sarah P.’s advice
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

She’ll fleece you while your sleeping
Your money she will take
She’ll force you to purchase her book
Although the story’s fake

Oh, get your money out
So that you can buy
Can’t be without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

The crap she serves is heaping
The truth she does forsake
The writing is so bad it’s good
For a laugh you should partake

Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Oh, don’t make Sarah pout
Don’t make Sarah cry
Don’t go without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Your town’s on her list
So you must play nice
And listen to Sarah P.’s advice
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

The crap she serves is heaping
The truth she does forsake
The writing is so bad it’s good
For a laugh you should partake

Oh, don’t make Sarah pout
Don’t make Sarah cry
Don’t go without
Her book full of lies
Sarah Palin’s coming to town

Will Season 2 Be Titled “Sarah Palin’s Arizona”?

Sarah Palin celebrates New Year's Eve in Maricopa, Arizona

For those of you that just cannot get enough of Sarah Palin and the rest of her Wasilla Hillbillies, TLC has just announced that the first season of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” will be released on DVD. Oh yes, for a mere $ 19.98 you can purchase the two disc set beginning on April 5, 2011. The Hollywood Gossip reports, ” The DVD features all 387 minutes of Sarah camping with Kate Gosselin, bashing Michelle Obama and embarking on various hunting and fishing trips.” Now you also too can relive the magic again and again as the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska brazenly executes animals before your eyes for no reason other than television ratings.

Speaking of “former” and “quitting”, it is also now rumored that the Queen of Quit may also be quitting on Alaska. Amy Andrews, the Gossip Girl of Irish Central tells us that all the Palins have had enough of snowy Alaska and therefore will be accompanying dancing daughter Bristol for the sun and good life in Arizona. Andrews says, “There are no ties that bind Sarah to Alaska any more and she will surely prosper in the warmer climate and with far more ease of travel to states like California, not to mention, early primary states in the Midwest and East Coast.” Yet , “It is ironic that Sarah will be ending up in the state where her presidential candidate running mate hails from. If Sarah had lived in Arizona in 2008 she could not have run for VP .”

A source told Robotceleb.com that “Both Sarah and Bristol are millionaires and have had enough of Alaska.” They go on to say that  “Sarah and Bristol raved about the sun and great weather in Los Angeles where Bristol Palin recently lived while appearing on the hit show “Dancing with the Stars”. Bristol Palin is planning on enrolling at Arizona State University in the fall.” Any guess how long the erudite Bristol will last at one of the “biggest party schools” in the nation or at any college for that matter? Then again, if she can’t cut it there, Sarah should be quite capable of helping Bristol fill out a transfer application inasmuch as mom matriculated at five different colleges before earning a mere bachelor’s degree.

As for Sarah Palin, Arizona seems the perfect fit. You might recall that her dad Chuck Heath once said that his daughter transferred out of Hawaii Pacific University because she was uncomfortable with foreigners. No problem with that in Arizona as the result of its racist profiling law and hate of immigrants. The Palins have such pasty white complexions that chances are slim they will ever be asked by an Arizona State Trooper to produce “their papers”. As an added benefit, Sarah Palin will be able to film season 2 of her reality television show in the Grand Canyon State. Palinbots nationwide will be thrilled to see their version of Annie Oakley reload and take aim at the most dangerous game of all, … Hispanics!

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s New Year’s Eve inspired song parody.

Same Auld Lang Syne song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NmdFgFyhnk

SAME OLD LAME WHINE

(sung to the Dan Fogelberg song “Same Auld Lang Syne”)

Met Sarah Palin at a Walmart store
She was shoplifting like a thief
There was no sign of kids or the “First Dude”
‘Cuz Sarah brings home the beef

I recoiled from her aging face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She knew I saw the moose meat in her purse
And then she just fibbed and lied

I said I was not a security man
And then Sarah Palin was glad
She lacked any sense of embarrassment
At the thought that she was bagged

I asked if we could have a drink or two
Cuz she was such a rising star
We met “Joe Sixpack” at the liquor store
And we three went to a bar

We drank a toast to ignorance
We drank a toast to Mao
She tried to explain her head’s emptiness
But she did not know how

She said she’s married to a derelict
Who can’t keep a job if he tried
She would have like to say she loved the man
But she couldn’t stand the guy

I said “death panels” were the end for her
That she could turn a Red-State Blue
And did she fear her would-be son-in-law?
She just said, “Lynn, F_ _ _  you”

She said she hated all the pro-choice whores
And that she hoped they’d go to Hell
I asked if Coulter was a “he” or “she”?
Palin said she could not tell

She toasted her omnipotence
And asked us all to bow
I said, “so long and good riddance,
I must be leaving now”

Then one last toast to ignorance
Cuz it was closing time
She lacks a sense of eloquence
But has that old lame whine

The beers were empty and our tongues were tired
Another book signing today
She put her hat on and hopped on her broom
And I watched her fly away

She graduated from a “safety school”
So she has no-one else to blame
There’s no intelligence inside her dome
That’s why she is so lame.

Truth Be Told: It’s Not Sarah Palin’s Alaska – (Updated)

The Learning Channel (now known as TLC because there’s not much learnin’ goin’ on there) chose a dubious title for its newest and lamest reality show. “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” might give viewers the impression that the former ex-quitting half-term Governor is popular in her home state. Such is not the case. In fact, Sarah Palin is probably more unpopular than most any other Alaskan of note, with the possible exception of Teapublican Senate candidate Joe Miller.

Consider this. Back in 2008 when John McCain foolishly chose her as his running mate, Palin was marketed as the most popular governor in the nation. The G.O.P. claimed that her popularity was credited to the fact that she was an “outsider” who had toppled Alaska’s “establishment” politicians. In essence, the Republicans branded Palin as a fresh face with no negative personal history and an unbreakable commitment to conservative policy and practice. Such a characterization would have been appealing to most Republicans … if only it was true.

When the national spotlight fell upon Sarah Palin’s beauty-pageant-tested visage, it revealed a plethora of unsightly blemishes that were previously hidden even from most Alaskans. Palin was running around the country telling voters that she was against federal earmarks such as the now infamous “Bridge to Nowhere”. She boasted that she told the feds “thanks, but no thanks” for its funding. Media scrutiny however, revealed that in fact, she “was for it before she was against it”. Next, Alaskans and the nation learned that the “abstinence only” advocating Palin had an unwed pregnant teen-aged daughter. Soon thereafter, a video surfaced of the “born again” Palin having demons cast from her body. This was followed by the media revealing that she inquired as to how books could be banned from a public library and how she and her husband attempted to have a state trooper (who happened to be her estranged former brother-in-law) fired as retribution for a family squabble. The media then discovered that husband Todd was (and Sarah Palin may have been) a member of a political party who’s stated purpose is to have Alaska secede from the United States of America. Very strange and unsavory stuff.

As each campaign day passed, more and more was revealed about the previously unknown Palin and it was not pretty. We learned that it took her six years at five sub-par colleges to earn a mere bachelors degree. We questioned the authenticity of that degree when we witnessed her inarticulate answers to questions on nationally televised interviews and at the Vice Presidential Debate. We learned that the educationally challenged candidate mothered two children that were school drop-outs. It got worse by the day and thankfully (for Palin and the nation), November 4th came along and she and McCain were crushed at the polls by Barack Obama and “Do you mind if I call you Joe” Biden.

The nation was saved, but the same could not be said of Alaska. The dejected and now bitterly scornful Palin limped back to her home state to complete her term as governor. Or did she? Many Alaskans were upset that they too learned a lot about Sarah Palin that they did not like. As they looked deeper into her governorship, they learned of things like the fact that she collected per-diem pay for living and working at home and seldom darkened the door of the state capital. She took her children, at taxpayer expense, on many unnecessary trips. One by one the ethics complaints filed against Sarah Palin began to pile up. The bloom had come off the Palin rose and Sarah knew it. So what did Palin do? Did she suck it up, change her ways and continue to govern as best she could? Not quite. Instead, she abruptly quit the position in July of 2009 after only having served half of one term.

Perhaps Sarah Palin did not get the memo, but most voters consider it an insult to up and quit the position that they recently voted you into. Her approval rating in Alaska plummeted. For the first time, when Palin made public appearances in Alaska, demonstrators began to show up with derogatory signs. Heck, even her next door neighbor contacted the author that was writing a scathing book about Palin and offered her house to him so that he would have close proximity to his subject. Ouch!

Somehow things are still getting worse. This campaign season Sarah Palin elected to buck both the national and Alaskan Republican Party by endorsing a Tea Party candidate for Lisa Murkowski’s Alaskan U.S. Senate seat. Surprisingly, Palin’s candidate (Joe Miller) defeated Palin’s enemy Murkowski in the Republican primary. Murkowski however, tore a page from the Palin handbook and decided to “Reload, Not Retreat”. She launched a write-in candidacy and turned fiercely against both Miller and Palin. The moderate Republicans, Independents and even some Democrats responded favorably. The one thing that these disparate voters had in common was a unified opposition to Palin and Miller. Consequently, on November 2, 2010 they turned out en masse and may have elected the first write-in candidate to the U.S. Senate since 1954. No small feat.

Tasting imminent electoral victory, Murkowski went on the offensive against Palin on Monday when she told CBS that Palin is not worldly enough for the nation’s highest office. More specifically she said,

“I just do not think that she has those leadership qualities, that intellectual curiosity that allows for building good and great policies. You know, she was my governor for two years. And I don’t think that she enjoyed governing.”

To add insult to Palin’s injury, Murkowski signaled that if elected, she will repay moderates, Independants and even those Democrats that voted for her by not voting strictly with her party. She said,

“I will tell you, I am not one of those who wants Obama to fail. If he does well, that means the country’s doing well. We don’t have time as a nation to spend all of what we do blocking. We have got to figure out how we get to a point where we can be sitting around the table and talking about these difficult problems and advancing some solutions.”

Take that, Sarah Palin! Even a Republican Senator from your home state disavows your unpopular political positions. No. it clearly is not “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”!

UPDATE

Sometimes we can’t make this stuff up. Watch Gretchen Carlson of Fox News describe Sarah Palin as “self defecating” rather than “self deprecating”. Bwa ha ha ha ha ! Does that mean that Palin craps all over herself?


Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U

ALASKAN PIE

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Levi sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Alaskans for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still “go with the flow”?
And can Todd’s sister score me some good blow?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for two years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has-been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Ethics problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
When you’re starring in a demon cleansing mass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit her job and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the voters beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Sherry Johnston was tokin’
The “barracuda” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
That day her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

“Reality” Star Palin Facing Legal Reality

The first episode of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has been recorded and is scheduled to air on TLC on November 14th. Unfortunately for the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska and the network, the episode’s broadcast may prompt a costly lawsuit against them. One segment in particular may prove to have been quite damaging to Palin and Co. You see, in her quest to maintain her own privacy, Sarah Palin and TLC seem to have invaded the privacy of her former neighbor, investigative author, Joe McGinniss. Watch the subject clip below.

How hypocritical for Sarah Palin to complain about her lack of privacy while at the same time suggesting that husband, Todd drill a peep hole in their fence so that she can spy on her neighbor.

The television segment was not missed by Joe McGinniss who has hired legal counsel to issue a cease and desist demand to Palin and the network. Here is the letter.

Edward Sabin, COO
Eileen O’Neill, President
The Learning Channel (TLC)

David Zaslav CEO
Peter Liguori, COO
Discovery Comm., LLC

Mark Burnett, President
Mark Burnett Productions

RE: “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” // Invasion of Privacy of Joe McGinniss

Dear Ms. O’Neill, Mr. Sabin, Mr. Zaslav, Mr. Ligouri and Mr. Burnett:

This law firm represents Joe McGinniss. It has come to our attention that the first episode (titled “Mamma Grizzly”) of the above referenced television show, scheduled to air on Sunday, November 14, 2010 at 9:00 PM on TLC, contains unauthorized videotaped images of Mr. McGinniss which were obtained without his knowledge or consent. In addition, you have already placed a video clip containing this image of Mr. McGinniss on your website and it has been picked up and reproduced by the Huffington Post and many other online sites.

Mr. McGinniss was not asked if any production crew could videotape him as he read a book on the secluded deck of the house he was living in at that time. He was not aware that any camera crew was in fact videotaping him. Mr. McGinniss had a reasonable expectation of privacy under those circumstances. The mere taking of the video therefore gives rise to an actionable claim for invasion of his privacy. The publication of the video on your website and in the television show constitutes an additional wrong – the unauthorized use of the likeness of Mr. McGinniss. Finally, the manner in which Ms. Palin describes Mr. McGinniss in the episode is defamatory: Mr. McGinniss has never invaded the Palins’ privacy, contrary to the many statements made by Ms. Palin and her husband, both prior to this television production, and now repeated in the episode referenced above.

DEMAND IS HEREBY MADE upon each of you that all images of Mr. McGinniss be removed from any television show produced by any of you, and removed from any website controlled or operated by any of you. If you do not do so, Mr. McGinniss will be forced to pursue all his available remedies.

Please confirm in writing by November 12, 2010, to this office that you will remove these images.

Mr. McGinniss reserves all of his rights.

If you would like to discuss any of the above, contact this office.

Very truly yours,

Dennis Holahan

How ironic that Sarah Palin’s quest for television cash may end up costing her and her network a boat-load of dough.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Lawyers, Guns And Money song link: http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Lawyers_Guns_And_Money/2283625

LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY

(sung to the Warren Zevon song “Lawyers, Guns and Money”)

She looks just like a waitress
With her beehive hairdo
We can only guess
Who she will threaten to sue

There’s a story by a blogger
Who took a little risk
Her lawyers, guns and money
Show that she is so damned pissed, hyeah

Most people just can’t stand her
She passes the buck
Should put a sock in her smug face
She’s running out of luck
Yes, running out of luck
Palin’s sure out of luck

She dresses like a tourist
From a foreign land
Her lawyers, guns and money
Still carry out her plans

All right
Her lawyers, guns and money
Huh!
Uh…
Her lawyers, guns and money
Uhh!
Her lawyers, guns and money
Hyah!
Her lawyers, guns and money
Ooh!
Yeah!
Yeah Yeah… Uh!