Bristol Palin Tries Abstinence… Again ???

You know that saying, “You can never go home”? Apparently Bristol Palin does not. The former unmarried pregnant teen daughter of the former half-term ex-quitting Governor of Alaska has vowed to abstain from sex until she and her oil-pipeline worker boyfriend have tied the knot, reports The New York Daily News. the Palin said in an interview with In Touch magazine:

“Gino and I are going to wait until marriage. I’m doing what’s best for me. It’s between me and God, and I know it’s right.”

What a joke! sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up. Palins and abstinence go together like Herman Cain and monogamy. Besides, hasn’t the abstinence door already been slammed shut on Bristol?

Mama Grizzly, Sarah Palin has been denouncing sex education and contraception since she was disastrously thrust upon the American people by John McCain. She has been one of the nation’s foremost advocates of abstinence-only education. Of course Sarah Palin did not personally practice abstinence. It would appear that oldest son Track was conceived prior to her wedding on August 29, 1988 inasmuch as he was born on April 20, 1989.

The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska was also apparently not a very good teacher when it came to instilling the virtues of abstinence on her own children either. First, teen daughter Bristol gave birth out of wedlock. She claims that her “virginity was stolen” (rape?) by her boyfriend one night while she got drunk while on a camping trip. The veracity of that statement is called into question however, inasmuch as Bristol continued to have sex with the same boy for a long time after that. Now we have eldest son Track who also seems to have violated the abstinence only rule. Track was married May 2011, yet wife gave birth to a baby girl  in August 2011.

This brings us back to Bristol Palin who has thrust herself, in true Palin fashion, into the media spotlight once again by launching yet another Palin family reality television series (see “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” and “Dancing With The Stars”). This time it’s “Life’s a Tripp”, in which the single mother runs around aimlessly with her toddler. But really, aren’t there a million 21 year old single mothers doing the same thing? Do we really need a reality television show on the subject?

All of this is as ridiculous as when Bristol Palin became an abstinence-only spokesperson for the “dress like a teen-ho” company known as Candies a few years ago. Palin belonged to the Candies Foundation who’s stated mission is “to educate America’s youth about the devastating consequences of teenage pregnancy”. How’s that for a mixed message between product and message? Here are examples of some wholesome Candies advertisements:

 

Who could be a better role model for abstinence than Bristol Palin, an unwed 21 year old mother? Oh, you can just taste the hypocrisy!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

I Want Candy song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMICD3aMZpw

SHE WEARS CANDIES

(sung to the Bow Wow Wow song “I Want Candy”)

I know a girl who’ll take some heat
Candies pays this gal to speak
She’s got a mother that is a liar
Sarah sucks like a vampire

She wears Candies
She wears Candies

Bristol’s preachin’ all over town
She should shut-up and sit down
She don’t know squat about abstinence
She’s got a big case of arrogance

She wears Candies
She wears Candies
Yeah

(musical interlude)

Bristol is a gal that should know better
She should be sporting a scarlet letter
She left school cuz she was failin’
Just like almost every Palin

She wears Candies
She wears Candies
She wears Candies
She wears Candies

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey

Sarah Palin – Reprise

As the result of a death in our family, we are taking a little bit of a break from posting substantive posts for the next few days. But that is no reason to skip out on some fun columns and song parodies from the past. This one is from November 19, 2009. Please enjoy again!

Sarah Palin, The Sometimes Reluctant Covergirl

There she goes again. Sarah Palin, the former ex-quitting governor of Alaska is once again claiming to be a victim of the mainstream media. This time the target of her accusation is the November 22, 2oo9 edition of Newsweek magazine (see above). On Monday, Palin posted the following on her Facebook page:

“The choice of photo for the cover of this week’s Newsweek is unfortunate. When it comes to Sarah Palin, this ‘news’ magazine has relished focusing on the irrelevant rather than the relevant. The out-of-context Newsweek approach is sexist, and oh-so-expected by now.”

But is it really the photo that Ms. Quittypants is upset about for being “sexist”? After all, she did pose for that photo and never objected publicly to the nearly identical photos published this year in a running magazine. And do “sexist” magazine covers always bother her? If so, then why did she not complain about being referred to as “America’s Hottest Governor” on the cover of the February 2008 edition of Alaska magazine? No, we would venture to guess that Palin is not as upset at the photo which appears on the cover of Newsweek, but rather the caption which accompanies it. It says, “How do you solve a problem like Sarah? She’s bad news for the GOP – and for everybody else, too.” It seems that the clearly “sexist” caption of the Alaska magazine was okay for Sarah because it was flattering to her. The Newsweek photo however, was highly objectionable it seems, because the accompanying caption cast Palin in such an unflattering light.

Poor Sarah, she can’t help it. She was born with a simple mind in her mouth.

And that brings us to today’s parody. In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

Simon Says song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvzHGYSv8kw

SIMPLE SARAH SAYS

(sung to the 1910 Fruitgum Company song “Simon Says”)

She likes to play a game,
That is so much fun,
And it’s something even she can do,
The name of the game is “Simple Sarah Says”,
And she would like for you to play it too

Put style gel in your hair,
Simple Sarah says,
Lipstick on your mouth,
Simple Sarah says,
Do it when Palin says,
Simple Sarah says,
And they will vote you right out

Simple Sarah says,
Put glasses on your head,
Don some pants that stretch,
Sarah says,

Simple Sarah says,
Get Bristol out of bed,
That Levi is stiff,
Sarah says,

A beehive on your head,
Simple Sarah says,
The First Dude by your side,
Simple Sarah says,
Hate speech for the left,
Simple Sarah says,
Kind words for the right

(musical interlude)

F-me pumps that are red,
Simple Sarah says,
A gun strapped to your side,
Simple Sarah says,
Diversity left,
Simple Sarah says,
Only whites on the right

Now that we have learned,
To play this game with she,
Sarah Palin has something to do,
Let’s try it once again,
We’ll mimic Sarah P.,
But let’s do it while we’re drinking too

Go kill a polar bear,
Simple Sarah says,
Give your shoes a shine,
Simple Sarah says,
Dress yourself like a whore,
Simple Sarah says,
Ah, you’re looking fine,
Simple Sarah says,
Now, interview if you dare,
Simple Sarah says,
Mingle with the slime,
Simple Sarah says,
Get your ass out the door,
Simple Sarah says,
Make it double time

Palin Memorial Month Continues…

Now that Sarah Palin has quit once again and her rapid fade from relevance has commenced, we thought it might be fun to memorialize her by re-posting some of our favorite Palin-centric columns and song parodies from the past. Let’s raise our collective glasses and toast the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska! Ah, Sarah, we hardly knew ye!

This columns were originally posted way back on June 14th, June 15th and June 16th of 2009. They dealt with the feud between Sarah Palin and David Letterman which erupted when Letterman made a joke about one of Palin’s teen daughters getting pregnant out of wedlock.

PALIN’S LATE NIGHT FIGHT

OK folks, you knew this one would be coming. So, without further adieu, please enjoy the David Letterman/Sarah Palin song parody.

As usual, please remember to click on the song link below so that you will have much more fun singing along.

You May Be Right song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cih0btgJw8s&feature=related

DAVE MAY BE RIGHT

(sung to the Billy Joel song “You May Be Right”)

Monday night Dave trashed her daughter
Wednesday night he said, “I’m sorry”
Friday night he trashed her once again
He was only having fun
With the Guv’nor with a gun
And we all enjoyed the heated tense exchange

Palin’s living in the twilight zone
She has the thinnest skin we know
Like the Oz Scarecrow she could really use a brain
Polls now show she’s in a dive
And her hair in that beehive
Like we said, this only shows that she’s insane

Dave may be right, Sarah is crazy
But she just may be the lunatic you’re voting for
She’s not too bright, thinking is hazy
Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right

Remember when Dave without fear
Called out the slutty clothes she wears
And then Todd, The First Dude went simply wild
He is such a macho man
No longer a Late Show fan
Since Dave Letterman called out his wife and child

Just think of all the jokes Dave will do
That make fun of Ms. Caribou
We will hear them every other day
They’ll be crazy but they’re true
Each time Sarah speaks anew
And we wouldn’t want it any other way

Dave may be right, Sarah is crazy
But she just may be the lunatic you’re voting for
She’s not too bright, thinking is hazy
Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right

Dave may be right, Sarah is crazy
But she just may be the lunatic you’re voting for
She’s not too bright, thinking is hazy
Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right

Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right.
Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right.
Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right.
Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right.
Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right.
Dave may be wrong but I’ll bet the house that Dave is right.

HERE’S TO YOU MR. LETTERMAN (PALIN)

Sarah Palin enjoys Late Nite With David Letterman

We believe that the Sarah Palin/David Letterman feud still has a lot of legs. So here comes the newest song parody.

As always, please remember to click on the song link below because then it is a lot more fun to sing along.

Mrs. Robinson song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_jmDscGi7E

MR. LETTERMAN

(sung to the Simon and Garfunkel song “Mrs. Robinson”)

Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee

And here’s to you, Mr. Letterman
We all love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
And your Top Ten Mr. Letterman
When you blasted Palin last Monday
(Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

She is a little spoiled brat disguised behind her smiles
We’d like to help her learn to help herself
But she is just a lipsticked pig with winking blinking eyes
We pee’d our pants when she got punked on the phone

And here’s to you, Mr. Letterman
We all love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
And your Top Ten Mr. Letterman
When you blasted Palin last Monday
(Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

Sarah P’s too thin skinned to appear on late night shows
She and her whole family are just fruitcakes
Though we are all waiting for some news on her affair
Most of all, she’s got to hide it from her kids

Coo, coo, ca-choo, Mr. Letterman
We all love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
And your Top Ten Mr. Letterman
When you blasted Palin last Monday
(Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

Sitting on her snowmachine most every afternoon
Screwing up her candidates debate
Laugh about it, shout about it
And her foolish shoes
Ev’ry way we look at her, she’ll lose

Where have you gone, Joe The Plumber, oh
Sarah P. turns her blinking eyes to you (Woo, woo, woo)
What’s that you say, Mr. Letterman?
Plumber Joe is your target today
(Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

LETTERMAN/PALIN – THE APOLOGY

In an attempt to end their feud, last night, David Letterman offered an on-air apology to Sarah Palin and family for the joke he made about her daughter (Bristol or Willow?) last Monday. The apology was direct and sincere. Of course, Sarah Palin accepted the apology graciously, released a statement saying so and that was the end of the battle.

Hold on just a second. Pardon me. What’s that, Palin did not graciously accept the apology and end the battle? She said what? Oh, this is what she said…

Of course it’s accepted on behalf of young women, like my daughters, who hope men who ‘joke’ about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve. Letterman certainly has the right to ‘joke’ about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction,” Palin said. “This is all thanks to our U.S. Military women and men putting their lives on the line for us to secure America’s Right to Free Speech – in this case, may that right be used to promote equality and respect.

That didn’t sound gracious. By the way, isn’t Palin a christian fundamentalist? Is she allowed by church doctrine to say “evolve” inasmuch as she does not believe in evolution? I am also a little confused about evoking the military as the savior of free speech when it was Letterman’s free speech that she wanted to quelch in the first place. Oh well, let’s have a song…

Remember to click on the song link below because you will have more fun singing along.

Oh My My song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1C6rFWfYMg

OH MY MY

(sung to the Ringo Starr song “Oh My My”)

She called up John Ziegler to see what’s the matter
He said, “come on over”
“And wear your tin hat, dear”
Her knees started shakin’, her head started achin’
When John Ziegler said to she:

Oh my my, oh my my, Dave Letterman, poked your eye
Oh my my, oh my my, We can fire him, if we lie
Oh my my, oh my my, it’s guaranteed to keep you alive

Let’s give Dave a screwin’, then we’ll get Jay Leno
Then let’s can O’Brien, if we are able
Then Sarah was squealin’ “you betta believe I’ll…”
“Stay away from Tina Fey”

Oh my my, oh my my, Dave Letterman, poked my eye
Oh my my, oh my my, I can fire him, if I lie
Oh my my, if I try, it’s guaranteed to keep me alive

(musical interlude)

Now if Dave should back down and take back his joke now
Remember your daughter, make it even hotter
It’s you he was dissin’, so don’t even listen
Don’t accept his apology

Oh my my, oh my my, Dave Letterman, poked your eye
Oh my my, oh my my, We can fire him, if we lie
Oh my my, oh my my, it’s guaranteed to keep you alive

(repeat to end)

Palin’s “Cougar Crush” And Possible Divorce

This week’s episode of “Sarah Palin and her Wasilla Hillbillies” features her husband Todd Palin and her almost son-in-law Levi Johnston. Tune in to witness family intrigue as the entire cast must deal with rumors of Caribou Barbie’s infidelity and the pressures it has placed on the entire Palin clan.

The episode begins as Levi Johnston gives an interview and says that Sarah Palin had a “Cougar Crush” on him. For those of you that may be unfamiliar with that term, it  is defined by UrbanDictionary.com as follows:

“The heart fluttering sensation experienced by women of a certain age upon seeing a man of much younger years, usually sporting six-pack abs, boyish innocence, and a clear willingness to learn. Side effects include: unclean thoughts, raised hemlines, and a deep desire to take on the role of tutor.”

Check out the E Online video here.

Come to think of it, from all that we have heard about Palin, the description seems quite believable. Inasmuch as Levi was sleeping and having a having a baby with the abstinence-only preaching daughter Bristol Palin at the same time, suffice to say that there must have been a lot of sexual tension in Chez Palin.

Scene two involves the allegation that Todd “First Dude” Palin is divorcing the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska. The Enquirer reports that Todd is “fed up” with the constant scandals surrounding his marriage. The recent book written by author Joe McGinniss, The Rogue: Searching For The Real Sarah Palin reveals that Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with former NBA star Glen Rice just prior to her marriage to Todd Palin as well as a six-month affair with her husband’s business partner, Brad Hanson.

This is certainly “Must See TV” so tune in to every network (except Fox News) this week at prime-time for more salacious details.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody also too.

The Beverly Hillbillies song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_XAPku7SgE&feature=related

THE WASSILLA HILLBILLIES – PART 3

(sung to the theme of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)

Come and listen to a story ‘bout a gal named Sarah
Not too many brains but a whole lot of mascara.
Her hair is in a beehive and she has some lipstick too,
She tried to run for V.P. but she didn’t have a clue.

Knowledge that is,   Bush Doctrine?,    Job of V.P. ?

Well the first thing ya know Obama left her in the dust,
So she joined the Tea Party to engage in some blood-lust
She said, “The Johnston family are so dumb that they just drool”
Then daughter Bristol and Levi dropped right on out of school.

Embarrasment that is,   Birth’n Babies,    Quittin’ Jobs.

Well now its time to say good-bye to Sarah and her kin,
The First Dude and his wife have some wounds that need lick’n.
The whole Palin clan now studies the encyclopedia,
So they can handle “Gotcha Questions” from the “lamestream” media.

Couric, that is.   Charlie Gibson,    Tina Fey..

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

Palins Await Levi Johnston Tell-All

We have been wondering for months when Levi Johnston’s tell-all tome about Sarah Palin would emerge. Until now, all we had to go on was an interview with Johnston which appeared last year in New York Magazine. At the time, Levi said he was working on a memoir that would air the true story of the Palin household. “They’re never around each other,” Johnston said of Sarah and Todd. “It’s like they hate each other but they don’t want anyone to know it. I think they were gonna get a divorce, but then they were like, ‘Let’s not prove them right.’  I’ve never seen them sleep in the same room, he’s always on this little recliner. For years, they never really talked.” He also told the magazine that he’s not surprised Palin is cashing in. “When she lost, I knew exactly what she was gonna do,” he says. “The whole time she was getting big-money offers for book and TV shows. I was like, All right, she’s gonna pick that up. It was just a matter of time before she quit. I know everything there is to know about her,” Johnston adds. “She’s so fake. But she’s so good at it, too. She’s amazing at it. If I didn’t know it, I wouldn’t know the difference.”

Then, back in April of this year, it was announced that the book would be titled “Dear In The Headlights: My Life In Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs”. Johnston’s manager Tank Johnston told Radar Online, “Levi is going to talk about everybody, including Sarah Palin, and the rest of the family”. It was reported that the book would include stories about his former fiance and mother of his child, Bristol Palin as well. It was also reported that the book will include previously unreleased photos and stories of his intimate, rocky, suddenly public life with the Palins.

Soon thereafter, Bristol Palin released her own book in which she brazenly attacked Levi Johnston. Bristol said that her virginity was “stolen” by Levi one night while she was drunk on wine coolers during a camping trip (Hmm, wonder if that’s where the name Tripp came from?). She does not use the word “rape”, so we must deduce that the tryst was consensual. Nonetheless, she goes on to write, “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions.” Those bad decisions continued however, because she then tells us that she was later surprised to learn that she was pregnant at 17 years old despite the fact that she “had been on birth control.”

Bristol Palin then described Johnston as a disloyal boyfriend who had “romps with other girls”. When confronted, he showered her with gifts, including Coach purses, Abercrombie clothing, and designer rain boots. In return, she forgave Johnston and started sleeping with him again with the hope that he would stop cheating. “It was part ‘thank you,’ part ‘security deposit,” she wrote. Bristol even went so far as to ridicule Levi Johnston’s intelligence. She pointedly made fun of his grammar and misspellings in notes to her. This is particularly humorous when you consider that it is being said by a high school drop-out who required the help of a co-writer for her memoir.

The Bristol Palin accusations are sure to have sharpened the pencil of Levi for his book which is due to be released in a week or two. Indeed, the Wall Street Journal reports that according to a copy of the book obtained by the Associated press, “Bristol’s teenage pregnancy was intentional and Sarah Palin wanted to adopt the couple’s child to “avoid scandal” but the young couple would not allow it.” Gossip Center reports that the book says that “Bristol was so angered by her mother, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s 2008 pregnancy with her Trig, that she actually convinced the Playgirl to get her pregnant as revenge a month before her mom’s due date.”

Will Levi truly go on the attack in his book and reveal some blockbuster Palin dirty laundry? Will he describe a true day-in-the-life of the Wasilla Hillbillies? Will he end, once and for all, Sarah Palin’s hopes for elected office? Let’s hope so. In the meantime, all we can do is wait for the book’s release.

In honor of the troops, today’s song parody musically illustrates the intriguing Sarah Palin/Levi Johnston relationship. Remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

The Ballad Of John And Yoko song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t3oaPNJieg

THE BALLAD OF SARAH AND LEVI (PART IV)

(Sung to the Beatles song “The Ballad of John and Yoko”)

Posing in a condo in New York,
Levi about to remove his pants
He now has a knack
To annoy SarahPAC
Yet most of them will still want to take a glance

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
To play second fiddle,
To the Caribou-Barbie.

Sarah claims that she is embarrassed
Really, she just envies his fame
Katie Couric did say,
“Is your head made of clay?”
“And can you point out some newspapers by name?”.

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
Those interviews on TV.
Reviews were not glowing
For the brain-dead Sarah P.

Levi’s camped-out in the Hollywood Hilton,
Media folks want him to speak
The newspapers said,
“What’s going on in your head?”
He said , “my book is gonna be a good read”

Christ you know Levi’s teasing,
His book will earn him a fee
And he loves annoying
His mother-in-law to be

Earning every penny for a rainy day,
Starring in his book is “Baby T”,
Know what Sarah said?
“Soon he will be dead!”
But then she will be haunted by his ghost – Think!

Maybe she’ll have Levi arrested.
Palin dignity in free-fall.
Young Bristol will claim,
“He’s stealing my fame,”
“He really has no talent at all”

Christ you know she’s so sleazy
She lies so effortlessly
But Levi is going,
To crucify Sarah P.

How did Mac choose Sarah to begin with?
She is just a political hack.
A dumb “hockey mom”,
That can’t think and chew gum.
Why didn’t he select “Joe Sixpack?”

Christ she makes us uneasy.
In Yiddish we say, “Oy Vey.”
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.

Conservative Pundits Assail GOP Candidates (and Levi Shuffles)

The BusinessInsider.com has posted a nice little summary of what conservative pundits and the Republican intelligentsia (for what that is worth) think of the current cast of characters vying for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination. It is not pretty.

Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer and Weekly Standard editor William Kristol are both looking for another candidate to enter the race because they believe that none of the current crop including Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry or Mitt Romney stand a chance of defeating Barack Obama. Krauthammer and Kristol waned either Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels or Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan to run. However, each of those men has publicly stated that they do not intend to seek the nomination. They join Florida Gov. Jeb Bush and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie as other favorites of the conservative elite who have decided to remain on the sidelines.

Ramesh Ponnuru, the senior editor of the National Review says, “It becomes a Perry vs. Romney race. A lot of conservatives are going to find that unsatisfactory. You’ll probably have more people staying neutral than ever.”

But Politico‘s Jonathan Martin and Ben Smith have put it best. They frankly state that “To many conservative elites, Rick Perry is a dope, Michele Bachmann is a joke, and Mitt Romney is a fraud.”

Well said gentlemen. Well said.

Another political bombshell was dropped this week in Alaska. No, Sarah Palin has not stopped her spotlight-seeking game of dithering over her own intentions to seek the Presidency. But someone very closely tied to her has made an announcement about his political plans. Levi Johnston, the father of Palin’s grandson as well as her once and future son-in-law, has proclaimed that he is ending his candidacy for Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. You could say that the former two-time fiance and virginity thief of daughter Bristol Palin is “pulling out” for the first time. His manager Tank Jones told Radar Online,

“He isn’t running. Levi doesn’t want the office of the Mayor to be a joke so he’s not going to do it now. He’s not going to run right now because there are a lot of issues he would need to study up on, and he thinks that this isn’t the right time for him. He is focusing on his book that is coming out September 20.”

If you simply cannot wait that long for Levi’s book and need an immediate Johnston fix, simply buy this month’s issue of Playboy. No, Levi has not posed nude once again like Massachusetts’ Republican Sen. Scott Brown. This time it is his sister Mercede Johnston that has elected to bare her soul amongst other things in the adult periodical.

What in the wide, wide world of politics will we be exposed to next?

We just love it when we get to blow off the dust and bring out one of our old song parody chestnuts once again.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Lido Shuffle song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s8l75Oxf1U&feature=related

LEVI SHUFFLE

(sung to the Boz Scaggs song “Lido Shuffle”)

Levi missed the vote
That day he caught some flack
Sarah was so damned pissed
But she was just a hack

At a Juneau bar
Drinkin’ from a jar, he heard a pop
She had enough
Good Ol’ Sarah fired a shot

He ran downtown, Sarah had an angry frown, an a-hole
He said, “One more jab oughta get her”
“Since she quit, things are better”
“Now hit the road !”

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh
Was Bristol’s honey, now he’s her foe
Levi’s fixin’ to make some dough

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
He took one more stab at poor Sarah
“What’s with all that mascara?”
Now she’ll hit the road

Levi’s a dumb one
Havin’ great big fun rockin’ Palin’s boat
Dishin’ out all those low blows
For her, he will not vote

Palin’s flying ‘neath the tree-line
Levi in her sight line, goin’ for broke
Sayin’ “One good shot oughta do it”
“Take this bullet and chew it”
“I’ll just lock and load!”

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh
He’s for the money, he’s for the show
He’s Bristol Palin’s former beau

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Palin should just forget it
But she just doesn’t get it
One mean horny toad!

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh
He’s for the money, he’s for the show
He’s Bristol Palin’s former beau
Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Hey Sarah, How’s That Abstinence-Only Thingy Working Out For Your Kids? (Updated)

Daryl Cagle, MSNBC.com

Lynnrockets and Co. would like to apologize to you loyal Rocketeers for our failure to post a blog entry yesterday. My “real life” job as an attorney kept me a bit too busy to blog. Today however, we have a little more free time.

So, it is back to work!

Sarah Palin has been denouncing sex education and contraception since she was disastrously thrust upon the American people by John McCain. She has been one of the nation’s foremost advocates of abstinence only education. Of course Sarah Palin did not personally practice abstinence. It would appear that oldest son Track was conceived prior to her wedding on August 29, 1988 inasmuch as he was born on April 20, 1989.

The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska was also apparently not a very good teacher when it came to instilling the virtues of abstinence on her own children either. First, teen daughter Bristol gave birth out of wedlock. She claims that her “virginity was stolen” (rape?) by her boyfriend one night while she got drunk while on a camping trip. The veracity of that statement is called into question however, inasmuch as Bristol continued to have sex with the same boy for a long time after that. Now we have eldest son Track who also seems to have violated the abstinence only rule. Track was married only last May, yet today we learned that his new wife gave birth to a baby girl  over the weekend.

Geesh Palins, how’s that abstinence-only thingy working out for ya?

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

The Ballad Of John And Yoko song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t3oaPNJieg

THE BALLAD OF TODD AND SARAH (Version Two)

(Sung to the Beatles song “The Ballad of John and Yoko”)

Standing in the airport at Juneau,
Todd sporting his new campaign-bought pants.
But then SarahPac
Said,“They’ve got to go back”,
“You look just like a homo from France.”

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
To play second fiddle,
To the Caribou-Barbie.

Finally flew into Indiana
Sarah giving a Pro-Life speech
Her decision rejoiced,
As to her Baby Trig choice.
Because she practiced exactly what she preached.

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
Sarah admitted as much.
She did have a choice, though
She would deny one to us.

Meanwhile in his home-state of Alaska,
The First Dude was beginning to cheat.
He had not one fear
That a massage to his rear,
Would be reported in a tabloid broad-sheet

Christ you know they’re so sleazy,
Just watch them on the TV
The whole Palin family
Lives out a life of deceit

Keeping every penny of per-diem pay,
Lying about clothes to charity,
Daughter that’s unwed,
Boyfriends in her bed.
Her chances of  election
Pretty low – Think!

Relatives all getting arrested.
Family dignity in free-fall.
Constituents claim,
“Sarah is to blame”
Not much of a role-model at all.

Christ you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be.
You know where she’s going?
Into the Party of Tea.

How did we choose Sarah to begin with?
She is just a political hack.
A dumb “hockey mom”,
That can’t think and chew gum.
Why didn’t we elect “Joe Sixpack?”

Christ she makes us uneasy.
In Yiddish we say, “Oy Vey.”
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.

Hey Sarah, How’s That Abstinence-Only Thingy Working Out For Your Kids?

Daryl Cagle, MSNBC.com

Lynnrockets and Co. would like to apologize to you loyal Rocketeers for our failure to post a blog entry yesterday. This Boston heatwave however, sucked all of the energy out of us much like John Boehner sucked all of the energy out of the debt ceiling negotiations yesterday. Things are now looking up though (on the weather situation, not the debt ceiling situation) because we awoke this morning to the welcoming sound of thunder-boomers and a brief cooling rain shower. Looks like we are now over the worst and returning to those normal cool Boston sea breezes.

So, it is back to work!

The “do as I say, not as I do bunch” was highlighted in this week’s news. We had Michele Bachmann once again railing about those horrible federal subsidies and Medicaid being a terrible type of welfare. We then discovered that Bachmann’s family has profited from federal farm subsidies for years and that her husband’s clinic has profited from hundreds of thousands of Medicaid payments. We had Newt Blingrich tell us that only he knows how to lead our nation out of the economic downturn. We then learned that his campaign is over $ 1 million in debt. and of course we always have the Palins.

Sarah Palin has been denouncing sex education and contraception since she was disastrously thrust upon the American people by John McCain. She has been one of the nation’s foremost advocates of abstinence only education. Of course Sarah Palin did not personally practice abstinence. It would appear that oldest son Track was conceived prior to her wedding on August 29, 1988 inasmuch as he was born on April 20, 1989.

The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska was also apparently not a very good teacher when it came to instilling the virtues of abstinence on her own children either. First, teen daughter Bristol gave birth out of wedlock. She claims that her “virginity was stolen” (rape?) by her boyfriend one night while she got drunk while on a camping trip. The veracity of that statement is called into question however, inasmuch as Bristol continued to have sex with the same boy for a long time after that. Now we have eldest son Track who also seems to have violated the abstinence only rule. Track was married only two months ago yet photos from Gawker have surfaced of his wife at what appears to be a baby shower and looking much more than two months pregnant.

Geesh Palins, how’s that abstinence only thing working out for ya?

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

The Ballad Of John And Yoko song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t3oaPNJieg

THE BALLAD OF TODD AND SARAH (Version Two)

(Sung to the Beatles song “The Ballad of John and Yoko”)

Standing in the airport at Juneau,
Todd sporting his new campaign-bought pants.
But then SarahPac
Said,“They’ve got to go back”,
“You look just like a homo from France.”

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
To play second fiddle,
To the Caribou-Barbie.

Finally flew into Indiana
Sarah giving a Pro-Life speech
Her decision rejoiced,
As to her Baby Trig choice.
Because she practiced exactly what she preached.

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
Sarah admitted as much.
She did have a choice, though
She would deny one to us.

Meanwhile in his home-state of Alaska,
The First Dude was beginning to cheat.
He had not one fear
That a massage to his rear,
Would be reported in a tabloid broad-sheet

Christ you know they’re so sleazy,
Just watch them on the TV
The whole Palin family
Lives out a life of deceit

Keeping every penny of per-diem pay,
Lying about clothes to charity,
Daughter that’s unwed,
Boyfriends in her bed.
Her chances of  election
Pretty low – Think!

Relatives all getting arrested.
Family dignity in free-fall.
Constituents claim,
“Sarah is to blame”
Not much of a role-model at all.

Christ you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be.
You know where she’s going?
Into the Party of Tea.

How did we choose Sarah to begin with?
She is just a political hack.
A dumb “hockey mom”,
That can’t think and chew gum.
Why didn’t we elect “Joe Sixpack?”

Christ she makes us uneasy.
In Yiddish we say, “Oy Vey.”
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.

Sunday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 85

Just a few newsworthy items (and comments thereon) that have been making their way through the political universe this past week but may have escaped your attention. Please ponder and maybe chuckle a bit before enjoying a wonderful day!

BREAKING NEWS:  Has anybody noticed that Fox News has reported on the Rupert Murdoch scandal far less than any other cable television station? Could that be because Murdoch owns Fox News?

THIS JUST IN:  The next time some right wing conservative tells you that Medicare must be abolished because it is unsustainable, please remind them that “over the program’s 75-year planning horizon is less than 0.4 percent of GDP. This is less than one quarter of the cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

BREAKING NEWS:  CNN reported that Democrats and Republicans squared off in the 50th annual Congressional Baseball Game at Nationals Park in Washington Thursday night. The Republicans never led in this one, falling to the Democrats 8-2 in front of more than 7,000 fans. How appropriate.

THIS JUST IN:  Moonbat-crazy Teapublican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced on Friday that she has quit her church. Bachmann, a Minnesota congresswoman, and her husband, Marcus, withdrew their membership from Salem Lutheran Church in Stillwater, Minnesota, last month, according to church officials. When asked about the Bachmanns leaving the church, Pastor Marcus Birkholz said, “I’ve been asked to make no comments regarding them and their family.” Have “the chickens come home to roost”?

BREAKING NEWS:  Business Insider reports that One of the most-respected and economically intelligent publications in the world, The Economist, has turned against the Republican party for its disgraceful behavior with respect to the US debt-ceiling negotiations. The Republicans, the Economist points out, would rather disrupt the US economy and put the country into default than compromise on a long-term deficit and debt reduction plan. This behavior is an abdication of the Republicans’ responsibilities as elected officials.  It puts the Republicans’ self-interest ahead of the country’s. The Republicans’ stance on the debt-ceiling has now gone so far, in fact, that the Republicans appear to be trying to disrupt the economy in order to improve their chances in the next elections, rather than address an economic crisis that threatens to affect millions of Americans. This is not practical or responsible. It’s also not patriotic. It’s traitorous. Jeesh The Economist, don’t sugar-coat it. Tell us how you really feel.

THIS JUST IN:  It was nice to learn that Democrat Janice Hahn easily won a congressional seat (recently vacated by Democrat Jane Harman) in California’s 36th District, fending off a special election challenge from Republican Craig Huey. So much for GOP momentum.

BREAKING NEWS:  Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich‘s campaign is over $1 million in debt. And this is the guy that was going to lead our nation out of its financial difficulties?

THIS JUST IN:  Here is moonbat-crazy Teapublican Michele Bachmann‘s gaffe of the week:

BREAKING NEWS:  Bristol Palin expects “more obnoxious lies” from Levi Johnston in his new book. Wow, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. Remember, Bristol Palin said her “virginity was stolen”.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taADLPtyDb0

PAPERBACK WRITER (BRISTOL VERSION)

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write while raising Tripp alone
It’s based on my life as a teen-aged quack
And a bunch of folks that I wanna attack as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
Do not expect too much from this school drop-out,
I can’t read too well but I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that my mom once told
It’s a real page-turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I tell a tall tale about camping one night
I drank wine coolers and got high as a kite.
Lost my virginity, yes let’s make that clear,
That sure gave me a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Bristol Palin Releases A Juvenile Tell-All

If this isn’t just what America needs! Another Palin has attempted to write a book. First there was “Going Rogue: An American Life”, a ghostwritten memoir by Sarah Palin. That was followed by the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska’s scrapbook of a mess titled, “America By Heart: Reflections Of Family, Faith and Flag”. Now we have daughter Bristol Palin’s “Not Afraid Of Life: My Journey So Far”. What is with these Palins and their affinity for sub-titles anyway?

Bristol Palin of course, is the one-time high school drop-out and one-time unwed pregnant teen-aged daughter of Sarah and Todd Palin. During her campaign for vice president, Sarah often referred to her as the brave daughter who would soon be married to her longtime boyfriend so that the two of them would raise their child in loving harmony. Indeed, the wedding announcement was made before a televised audience. Of course none of that happened. Shortly after Palin’s campaign collapsed, so did Bristol and Levi’s wedding engagement.

After the break-up, Bristol accepted a high paying job with the Candies Foundation to speak out against teen pregnancy of all things. Only in America. She is getting lucratively paid to tell teens not to do exactly what she did. Yikes, talk about shutting the barn door after the horse has escaped!

Like her mom, Bristol has also taken to the world of reality television series. Last year she appeared on Dancing With The Stars and was surrounded with the ever-present Palin aura of controversy. It was alleged that despite her poor dancing skills and the judges’ low scoring, Bristol was not voted off the show by the audience as the result of a well orchestrated effort by Sarah Palin supporters. She was ultimately deemed to be a loser by the show’s judges. As an encore, it was recently announced that Bristol will now be appearing in yet another reality series. This time, the single mom will be shacking up with two male friends in a Los Angeles apartment while raising her son and working for a charity. How realistic is that?

Bristol is truly living the life of the typical unwed mother of a small child. A lucrative spoke-person’s contract, a starring role in two television series, a condominium in Alaska and a brand new home in Arizona and now the author of a memoir of her very own. That is certainly a lot more than most 20 year old single parents could handle. Bristol Palin is truly remarkable.

But what about the book you ask? Well, in short, it is nothing more than the transcription of a female adolescent mind’s gripe session. Bristol does to her friends and associates in this book, what her mother has done to so many of her own in her memoir. She stabs them in the back.

She blasts John McCain’s daughter Meghan by saying she is “self-obsessed” and reveals that after meeting her, Bristol felt she “might need to watch my back”. She portrays John McCain’s wife as looking “like a queen” and holding herself “like royalty”, not to mention having “never seen people with so much Louis Vuitton luggage, so many cell phones, and so many constant helpers to do her hair and makeup.”

Bristol even snipes at the other contestants on Dancing With The Stars. She writes, “I noticed some of the contestants rolled their eyes when they realized we’d survived to dance another day.”

Her sharpest attacks are, not surprisingly, directed at her two-time fiance and the father of her child. Levi Johnston has probably heard all this bad-mouthing from her already, but now the rest of America is on the scoop. First Bristol tells us that her virginity was “stolen” by Levi one night while she was drunk on wine coolers during a camping trip (Hmm, wonder if that’s where the name Tripp came from?). She does not use the word “rape”, so we must deduce that the tryst was consensual. Nonetheless, she goes on to write, “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions.” Those bad decisions continued however, because she then tells us that she was later surprised to learn that she was pregnant at 17 years old despite the fact that she “had been on birth control.”

She then describes Johnston as a disloyal boyfriend who had “romps with other girls”. When confronted, he showered her with gifts, including Coach purses, Abercrombie clothing, and designer rain boots. In return, she forgave Johnston and started sleeping with him again with the hope that he would stop cheating. “It was part ‘thank you,’ part ‘security deposit,” she writes. Bristol even goes so far as to ridicule Levi Johnston’s intelligence. She pointedly makes fun of his grammar and misspellings in notes to her. This is particularly humorous when you consider that it is being said by a high school drop-out who required the help of a co-writer for her memoir.

Don’t worry too much about Levi Johnston however, because his very own “tell all” memoir will be hitting a Barnes & Noble near you this autumn.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taADLPtyDb0

PAPERBACK WRITER (BRISTOL VERSION)

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write while raising Tripp alone
It’s based on my life as a teen-aged quack
And a bunch of folks that I wanna attack as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
Do not expect too much from this school drop-out,
I can’t read too well but I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that my mom once told
It’s a real page-turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I tell a tall tale about camping one night
I drank wine coolers and got high as a kite.
Lost my virginity, yes let’s make that clear,
That sure gave me a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)