Those Crazy Conservative Calendar Chicks

Last year's conservative chick calendar

As we have said before, sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up. I pull my head away from the football games for just one moment and I learn that the The Clare Boothe Luce (whoever the hell she is) Policy Institute has released its fifth annual “Great American Conservative Women Calendar for 2010“. Besides the fact that the words, “Great American” and “Conservative Women” are mutually exclusive, who in the mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world of marketing ever could believe that such a thing could sell? There are going to be so many unwanted copies of this thing that they should just hang them up at the U.S Post Office next to the photos of all of those wanted felons.

Rather than list the names of the morons that will be featured in the calendar, we felt that we would simply incorporate them into tonight’s song parody. Please take note however, that even this conservative brain trust elected not to associate itself with Sarah Palin. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Please enjoy.

Calendar Girl song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUlOyj9F5gM

Remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

CALENDAR GALS

(sung to the Neil Sedaka song “Calendar Girl”)

Beck loves, Beck loves, Beck loves his calendar gals
Right wing calendar gals
Beck loves, Beck loves, Beck loves his calendar gals
Preaching those politics of fear

(January) Who is Kate Obenshain?
(February) Some Claire Boothe Luce dame
(March) Ann Coulter has a mannish smile
(April) Michelle Malkin’s breath smells just like bile
Yeah, yeah, I just wanna hurl
Every time I take a look at those calendar girls
Every day (oh, dismay)
Every day (oh, dismay)
Of the year
(every day of the year)

(May) Marji Ross has a gigantic bum
(June) Kelly-Anne Conway is so very dumb
(July) Michele Bachmann looks like a ‘ho
(August) Carrie Prejean must really need the dough
Yeah, yeah, I just wanna hurl
Every time I take a look at those calendar girls
Every day (oh, dismay)
Every day (oh, dismay)
Of the year
(every day of the year)

(musical interlude)

Every time I take a look at those calendar girls
Every day (oh, dismay)
Every day (oh, dismay)
Of the year
(every day of the year)

(September) Bay Buchanan’s age is sixty-three
(October) Phyllis Schlafly’s older than a redwood tree
(November) The Cupp chick goes by the name S.E.
(December) That Star Parker keeps strange company
Yeah, yeah, I just wanna hurl
Every time I take a look at those calendar girls
Every day (oh, dismay)
Every day (oh, dismay)
Of the year
(every day of the year)

Beck loves, Beck loves, Beck loves his calendar gals
Right wing calendar gals
Beck loves, Beck loves, Beck loves his calendar gals
Preaching those politics of fear

Sunday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 12

BREAKING NEWS:  Bat-crazy Michele Bachmann, the Republican congresswoman from Minnesota apparently thinks that any health reform legislation passed this session will provide that 13 year old children can attend sex clinics (whatever that means). Here is her quote:

The bill goes on to say what’s going to go on — comprehensive primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, referrals to follow-up for specialty care — is that abortion? Does that mean that someone’s 13 year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night? Mom and dad are never the wiser.

Gee, and we thought only male Republican politicians frequented sex clinics. We stand corrected.

THIS JUST IN:  You know all that crying and weeping from Fox News’ Glenn Beck as he talks about how much he loves his country. We always felt that it was phony showmanship and now it has been proved to be such. Prior to show-time, Beck simply smears a little Vicks Vapor Rub under his eyes. Watch this video clip:

BREAKING NEWS:  It is already October. Shouldn’t Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly start dusting off his heavy artillery for the annual War Against Christmas?

THIS JUST IN:  Would somebody please throw a shoe the next time Republican John Boehner (pronounced, “boner”) stands at a podium and talks about health care reform?

BREAKING NEWS:  Florida’s freshman Democratic congressman Alan Grayson injected himself into the public discussion last week when he brazenly pointed out the uncontrovertible fact that Republicans do not want any type of health care reform and therefore condone the deaths of the uninsured. He then followed up by calling Republicans, “foot-dragging, knuckle-dragging Neanderthals who think they can dictate policy to America by being stubborn.” I think that I am beginning to really like this guy? Anyone else?

THIS JUST IN:  Last week cry-baby Glenn Beck claimed that Vancouver lost one billion dollars when, “it had the Olympics.” Umm, Glenn, Vancouver will not host the Olympics until 2010. That’s OK though, don’t let the facts get in the way.

BREAKING NEWS:  A federal judge ruled last Thursday that the FBI must publicly reveal much of its interview with former Vice President Dick Cheney during the investigation into who leaked the identity of  CIA operative Valerie Plame. Is that a little trickle of sweat that I see running down Dick’s forehead?

THIS JUST IN:  Palin quits job! No, not Sarah Palin. This time it is her husband, Todd “The First Dude” Palin who this week quit his job with British Petroleum’s North Slope operation in Alaska. Looks like the happy loving couple have something in common after all.

BREAKING NEWS:  Last week, Steve Schmidt, the former campaign manager of John McCain’s failed run for president, had this to say about running mate Sarah Palin and her political future, “my honest view is that she would not be a winning candidate for the Republican Party in 2012, and in fact, were she the nominee, we could have a catastrophic election result.” No truer words were ever spoken.

THIS JUST IN: The nation’s biggest corporation, Walmart has employees that comprise the largest block of state subsidized assistance (welfare and Medicaid) in all of Ohio. Walmart continues to reap massive profits by keeping its employees on the brink of poverty and allowing taxpayers to subsidize those employees pay and healthcare. Do not allow this continue. Boycott the Republican contributing, Chinese product purchasing retailer. Boycott Walmart.

BREAKING NEWS: Fox News hosts and conservative radio hosts such as Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck and Savage are celebrating the fact that America lost its bid for the 2016 Olympics. The next time you hear any of these outlets claiming to be “patriots” or “patriotic” or say that they love their country, do not let them get away with it. Shove the Olympic loss glee right down their throats and charge them with “rooting against America.”

THIS JUST IN: Controversial radio host Don Imus appeared on Fox News last week and said of Sarah Palin, “Sarah Palin? She’s a dope. Write a book? She can’t read a book.” I’m beginning to warm up to Don Imus.

Sounds like a good lead in to a Sarah Palin song parody doesn’t it?

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have a lot more fun singing along with the parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U

ALASKAN PIE

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Levi sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Alaskans for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still go with the flow?
And can Todd’s sister score me some good blow?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for two years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Ethics problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
When you’re starring in a demon cleansing mass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit her job and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the voters beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Sherry Johnston was tokin’
The “barracuda” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
That day her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July