Waiting For The Palin-Thing

As we approach the Labor Day weekend and the de-facto end of summer, there is very little earth-shattering news to report about other than that earthquake off Alaska. Indeed, there is very little political news at all. All we have is the never-ending will-she or won’t-she talk about Sarah Palin. No, we are not wondering whether she will announce her run for the presidency this weekend. She will not. Rather, as always, we must wonder whether she will even show-up at her scheduled speeches In Iowa and New Hampshire.

In typical Palin fashion, the former ex-quitting half-term Gov. of Alaska has enveloped herself in confusion. First she informed us that she would be making an important speech at a Tea Party event in Iowa. Then she announced that she would also be speaking in New Hampshire. She then said that as the result of unspecified problems she was having with the Tea Party organizers, that she might forfeit that event and do something else in Iowa. Now she claims that she will in fact appear at the original Iowa event. Confused? You should be.

Sarah Palin is one strange duck. Let’s take a look at how the Palin-thing was unleashed on America in the first place.

Just three short years ago almost nobody had ever heard of Sarah Palin. The G.O.P. was led by such familiar names as Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, a resurgent Newt Gingrich and the actor Fred Thompson. Then the unexpected happened. Somehow the centrist John McCain won the Republican Presidential nomination. McCain however, was trailing Democrat Barack Obama by such a wide margin that he was forced to do something drastic in order to draw some attention to his campaign. Much like the literary Dr. Frankenstein, McCain was compelled to create some life from scratch. He stitched together some uber-right-wing conservatism, some female DNA, some down-home colloquialisms, a beehive hairdo and some rimless glasses. His handmade creation was Sarah Palin.

Much like Dr. Frankentein’s monster however, the McCain creation also suffered from some fatal flaws. They both had a damaged brain. Each became stronger and more identifiable than its creator. Both wreaked havoc on society and in the end, the Frankenstein monster and Sarah Palin each turned against their respective creators.

The Palin thing was alive, ALIVE! This 21st century mindless monster quit her job and stumbled out of the wilds of Alaska on her way to the Lower 48. Unable to master the written word, the pathetic creature hired a ghostwriter to pen her fictitious memoir. Unable to master the spoken word, Palin turned to Twitter and Facebook as her means of communication and wrote crib-notes on her hands. Unable to appear human on television, she was forced to appear repeatedly on Fox News and in her own reality tv series. The thing that became known as PALIN  sowed fear into the hearts of all uneducated conservatives with her horrific tales of “death panels”, the godless land of Russia that she could see by means of her super-human vision and of her arch enemy, the would-be monster slayer, author Joe McGinniss.

Unlike the Frankenstein monster however, the Palin thing began to amass a large and adoring following. Sure, these devotees were comprised of racist, white, uneducated homophobes from the lowest rung of the food chain, but beggars can’t be choosers. The Palin thing’s fan base became known as the Tea Party (presumably because it is believed that something was slipped into their tea). These Tea-Baggers are a mindless lot that confusingly wants no government control over their government controlled Medicare and Social Security benefits. They hate the Obama administration because of his fictitious tax increases despite the fact that over 95% of them have actually benefited from the President’s middle class tax cuts. These Tea-Baggers have crowned the Palin thing as their de facto queen.

The Palin thing’s Tea Party royalty status is the biggest problem for the creature’s former party.  Before John McCain’s monster was created, the whacko Tea-Baggers were all firmly entrenched members of the Republican Party. They voted in lockstep for every Republican they could find thereby ensuring at least some electoral success for the party. The creation of the Palin thing has changed all of that. The Tea-Baggers are now actively seeking candidates from within their own super-radical ranks. These Tea Party candidates are so out of the mainstream that they oppose meaningful portions of the Civil Rights Act (Rand Paul). They hope to privatize Medicare and Social Security (Rand Paul, Paul Ryan), criminalize the consumption of alcohol (Sharron Angle), deregulate the oil industry (despite the Gulf oil spill) (Rand Paul), abolish the Dept. of Education (too many to name here), ban masturbation (Christine O’Donnell) and even remove fluoride from the nation’s water supply (Sharron Angle). This is crazy stuff.

Crazy, but Sarah Palin supports these radical views. Indeed, The National Review reports that she will use her speech in Iowa to defend the Tea Party against the criticism that it is an uncompromising bunch of misinformed idiots. ABC News adds that Palin’s speech will be a “full-throated defense of the Tea Party.” So there you have it. Sarah Palin will continue dithering as to whether she will run for President through at least the end of September. Guess we will have to keep on waiting for Palin.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj2bmQ4P4cM

SARAH PALIN’S CRAZY BRAIN-DEAD CLAN

(sung to the Beatles song “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”)

About twenty years ago or so,
Sarah Palin married Todd her beau
They’ve been trying to enhance her style
With rimless glasses and a great big smile
So may I introduce to you
The folks you’ve known for all these years,
Sarah Palin’s crazy brain-dead clan.

We’re Sarah Palin’s crazy brain-dead clan,
The folks that you’ve all come to know
We’re Sarah Palin’s crazy brain-dead clan,
You wouldn’t want to be our foe.

Sarah Palin’s crazy, Sarah Palin’s crazy,
Sarah Palin’s crazy brain-dead clan.

She loves to instill deep fear
“Death panels” if you will
We are her brain-dead audience,
We’d love to take her home with us,
We’d love to take her home.

We don’t really want to end this show,
But Track Palin just produced some blow.
And now Bristol’s firing-up her bong
Sarah says that they can do no wrong

So let us bid adieu, to you
We’ve been with you for the last three years
We’re Sarah Palin’s Crazy Brain-Dead Clan.