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Nikki, Just Choose To Blunder

Nikki Haley: counting on shampooers.

Hear them bones a rattlin’? Well you should because the skeletons just keep on falling out of Nikki Haley’s closet. Haley is in a runoff primary election tomorrow to be the Republican Gubernatorial candidate in North Carolina. She hopes to succeed Mark Sanford in the role of Governor. Sanford, in fact, supports Haley and that may not be the only thing they have in common.

You might recall that Sanford went awol on his state last year. His staff concocted a story that the contemplative Governor was out hiking the Appalachian Trail to clear his head. In reality however, Sanford was in Argentina secretly carrying on a long term affair with his mistress and billing taxpayers for the travel. The onetime G.O.P. Presidential hopeful’s career came to a screeching halt.

Well, lo and behold, before Nikki Haley has even qualified for the general election, it has been alleged that she has had extra-marital affairs with not one, but two different men. First, conservative blogger Will Folks came clean with the affair in an attempt to ease the blow (so to speak) on Haley if the tryst was made public by an opponent. Haley quickly denied the affair and attacked Folks’ credibility, but that only incited folks to release numerous emails between him and Haley and her campaign aides which described late night off duty meetings between the two. Next, lobbyist Larry Marchant emerged and said this:

I had an inappropriate physical relationship with Nikki Haley,” Marchant explains in an interview with WCBD in Charleston. “We had gone to dinner, I had some drinks, and things happened and that was it. It was one time and one time only… I spent the night with Ms. Haley and we had sexual relations, we had sex.

Haley once again denied any illicit activity with Marchant who was a campaign aide for one of Haley’s Republican gubernatorial rivals. Indeed, Nikki Haley doubled down on her innocence by vowing to quit the Governor’s office if she is elected and it is then proven that she had an affair. It remains to be seen if she will keep her word.

Last week two new controversies involving Haley emerged. First, her religion was called into question by a staff member of her runoff opponent, Republican Gresham Barrett. Phillip Bowers, co-chairman of Barrett’s campaign, circulated an e-mail Friday afternoon suggesting Haley has lied about her religion. “There are lots of contradictions to her story. It’s not my place to question her faith, but I do question her honesty. If anyone finds the truth, please let me know,” said Bowers, in an email. It would appear that the opposition is attempting to subtly use her religious background to try to alienate the Indian-American candidate born with the name “Nimrata Randhawa” from conservative voters. This is not an unusual tactic of Republicans who seem to always try to characterize the opponents as one of “the others”. It is refreshing however, to see that in this instance, they are using that tactic on one of their own.

The second Haley controversy of the week came when an engineering executive who hired Nikki Haley for consulting work while she served in the South Carolina legislature said last Friday that Haley’s political and business connections helped his company get ahead. While serving as a state representative in 2007 and 2008, Haley was hired (and paid $ 2,000.00) as a consultant by Robert Ferrell, the southeast region business development manager for Wilbur Smith Associates. “I knew her to be a connected person who had access to a lot of folks and information, and in my business, that sort of information is critical to get ahead,” Ferrell told CNN. “If she would hear about things that were going on, primarily county-type stuff, or developers who were getting ready to do stuff, she would give us a heads up, and we would see where it went.”

Wow, nothing like a little “pay for play” to go along with extra-marital affairs and a religious controversy. These Republicans sure know how to spice up an election. Then again, the controversies should have been expected. After all, they surfaced only after Haley received an endorsement from Sarah Palin and everyone knows that everything Palin touches turns to manure. The funny thing about all these controversies is that they shadow what should really be in the spotlight. Nikki Haley’s lack of legislative experience. During her entire time as a state representative, Haley has only authored one bill that has been voted into law. That bill? It exempted beauty parlor workers that only shampoo hair from the requirement of obtaining a cosmetologist license. Heady stuff.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourself with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Rikki, Don’t Lose That Number song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbIIwH9VsjM

NIKKI, JUST CHOOSE TO BLUNDER

(sung to the Steely Dan song “Nikki, Don’t Lose That Number”)

There’s no believin’ what you say
Looks like your little wild time has just begun
I guess you kind of snared yourself, yet you still run
But your campaign now falls apart

Nikki, just choose to blunder
Though you wanna blame somebody else
We saw those email letters, screwed yourself
Nikki, just choose to blunder
Your election is now blown
Exposed by all those email letters
You’ve wrecked your home

You and that Palin clown, are just the same
You both go out trolling down Tea Bag Row
Attempting to hide your sick games, they should know
That you both have a blackened hearts

Nikki, just choose to blunder
So they will elect somebody else
You know those email letters, screwed yourself
Nikki, just choose to blunder
Your mistakes are all your own
Exposed by all those email letters
Election’s blown

(instrumental)

South Carolinians must be blind
Keep electing the cheating kind
That state is just a world apart

Nikki, it is no wonder
That they should elect somebody else
They deserve someone better than yourself
Nikki, you must be dumber
Than a Sarah Palin clone
We will all be a whole lot better
When you’re sent home.

Nikki, just choose to blunder (Nikki, just chose to blunder)
Nikki, just choose to blunder

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The Rise (Get It…”RISE”) And Fall Of Mark Sanford

Only a short while ago South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s career was on the rise. He was an upcoming conservative star within the Republican Party with presidential aspirations. Something else was also on the rise however (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?), and that is what triggered Sanford’s sordid fall from power.

The saga began when Sanford mysteriously disappeared for six days and neither his family nor his staff had any idea as to his whereabouts. The ever pesky main stream media caught on to the case of the missing governor which prompted his staff to make up a story that Sanford needed to clear his head by means of hiking the Appalachian Trail.

That fabrication unraveled, however when an unidentified South Carolina law enforcement official informed CNN that Sanford’s vehicle had been parked at the airport for several days. Next, airport officials confirmed that Sanford had just re-entered the United States from Argentina.  Finally, we learned  that Sanford had  been borrowing law enforcement vehicles in the middle of the night for sojourns to parts unknown. In an effort to diminish the impact of the story that the press was about to release, Sanford held a preemptive tear filled press conference in which he admitted to having had a long-term affair with an Argentinian mistress. The confession was quickly followed by the release of the transcripts of a series of mushy emails between the couple which were worthy of the prose found in cheap dime-store romance novels. The state and national Republican Party called for him to resign his governorship but Sanford next claimed that he had spoken to God himself and was instructed to retain the position just as King David continued to rule subsequent to his adulterous affair.

Sanford’s refusal to resign prompted the South Carolina legislature to commence impeachment proceedings against him. The grounds for impeachment were that Sanford wrongfully left the state to meet his mistress in Argentina without informing his staff of his whereabouts and without installing a proper chain of command. A special House subcommittee met this week to consider the impeachment resolution for the first time. But last Tuesday, it was revealed that Sanford faces even more trouble.

CNN reports that the South Carolina Ethics Commission has now charged Sanford with 37 counts of ethics law violations following a three month investigation of Sanford’s use of taxpayer money. CNN.com states,

Sanford is accused of using tax money to buy business-class airfare on domestic and international flights, flying on a state-owned aircraft to political gatherings or events “which involved no official business,” and spending campaign funds for personal use such as buying a ticket to attend President Obama’s inauguration in January.

South Carolina law requires state officials to buy the lowest fares available for flights, and bars the use of state aircraft for personal use.

It appears that Mark Sanford’s days of wine and roses have come to a bitter end. But really, is anybody surprised that another dirty Republican has been exposed?

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Oh, Boy song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sg9XI7bYrA&feature=related

PO’ BOY

(sung to the Buddy Holly song “Oh, Boy”)

All of Mark’s love
All of his kissin’
Big romance while Sanford was missin’
Po’ boy, adultery
Po’ boy, the world can see
Sanford must leave his seat

All of Mark’s life
He been a waitin’
Preachin’ them politics of a-hatin’
Po’ boy, down in S.C.
Po’ boy, now he can see
No more Presidency

Lots of tears from eyes that are ballin’
Credibility is a fallin’
A little bit a-lovin’ makes everything right
Mark’s sure to call Evita tonight

All of Mark’s love
All of his kissin’
Big romance while Sanford was missin’
Po’ boy, adultery
Po’ boy, the world can see
Sanford must leave his seat

Dumb-dee-dumb-dumb
Po’ boy
Dumb-dee-dumb-dumb
Po’ boy

(musical interlude)

All of Mark’s love
All of his kissin’
We love it when Sanford goes missin’
Po’ boy, adultery
Po’ boy, the world can see
Sanford’s sheer lunacy

Sanford’s good wife
Won’t be a matin’
Mark might take to Larry Craig’n
Po’ boy, K-Y Jelly
Po’ boy, watchin’ telly
Sanford will be lonely

Scars appeared and his future is fallin’
He can hear Fox News a callin’
A little elbow rubbin’ makes everything right
Mark’s gonna be on Glenn Beck tonight

All of Mark’s love
All of his kissin’
We’re laughin’ so hard that we’re pissin’
Po’ boy, laugh till we pee
Po, boy, the world can see
There’s no more G.O.P.