Let’s get ready to rumble !!! In this corner, wearing a beehive hairdo, a Victoria’s Secret bra and “Arctic Cat” trunks, we have the “Duchess of Death Panels”, the “Queen of Quitting”, the “Alaska Disastah”, Sarah Palin. In the opposite corner wearing no trunks at all but covering himself with a Koho hockey stick, we have the “Talkshow Teen”, the “Wasilla Drillah”, the “Condomless Kid”, Levi Johnston. Get ready for the Battle of the New Year. Palin vs. Johnston 2010 !!! At the sound of the gavel they will come out testifying !!!
What better way to close out year 2009 and commence 2010 than to watch the Palin clan’s dirty laundry aired in public in the form of a juicy custody battle? Levi Johnston, the teenaged father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild, Tripp, has already won the pre-fight competition by means of having the Marquess of Queensberry Rules discarded and replaced with the Alaska Rules of Probate Procedure. Additionally, despite fierce opposition from Team Palin, Johnston has convinced the court to make all proceedings open to the public and to use the legal names of all litigants rather than pseudonyms. Sarah Palin of course, would rather have had her patented Cone of Silence and Secrecy utilized in an effort to facilitate her uncivil backroom dealings and to hide everything from the pesky “mainstream media”. The Court however, would have none of the high-falootin’ Palin’s pre-trial shenanigans, opting instead to apply the same judicial procedure and standards that everyday common-folk must abide by.
The stakes for this Battle Royale are high. Hanging in the balance of this custody battle is baby Tripp’s upbringing. Should Team Palin claim victory, daughter/mother Bristol and the clan will have sole legal custody of the child. They will have free reign to raise him as a true “Palin child” with little to no adult supervision, no requirement of regular school attendance and a role as a stage prop at all of Grandma’s self-promoting publicity stunts. On the other hand should Levi Johnston prevail in court, he will have secured the right to joint legal custody of his son. In that case, the non-requirement of school attendance will be reinforced, the child will learn the valuable skill of being partially fatherless as Levi travels the country on the talkshow circuit and most likely on a book tour of his own and he will have the benefit of occasionally being supervised by a convicted criminal (by the way, was Tripp named after his paternal grandmother?).
This kid hasn’t got a chance. Poor Tripp might be better off if the court awards custody to a caring set of foster parents.
In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.
Same Auld Lang Syne song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NmdFgFyhnk
SAME OLD LAME WHINE
(sung to the Dan Fogelberg song “Same Auld Lang Syne”)
Met Sarah Palin at a Walmart store
She was shoplifting like a thief
There was no sign of kids or the “First Dude”
‘Cuz Sarah brings home the beef
I recoiled from her aging face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She knew I saw the moose meat in her purse
And then she just fibbed and lied
I said I was not a security man
And then Sarah Palin was glad
She lacked any sense of embarrassment
At the thought that she was bagged
I asked if we could have a drink or two
Cuz she was such a rising star
We met “Joe Sixpack” at the liquor store
And we three went to a bar
We drank a toast to ignorance
We drank a toast to Mao
She tried to explain her head’s emptiness
But she did not know how
She said she’s married to a derelict
Who can’t keep a job if he tried
She would have like to say she loved the man
But she couldn’t stand the guy
I said “death panels” were the end for her
That she could turn a Red-State Blue
And did she fear her would-be son-in-law?
She just said, “Lynn, F_ _ _ you”
She said she hated all the pro-choice whores
And that she hoped they’d go to Hell
I asked if Coulter was a “he” or “she”?
Palin said she could not tell
She toasted her omnipotence
And asked us all to bow
I said, “so long and good riddance,
I must be leaving now”
Then one last toast to ignorance
Cuz it was closing time
She lacks a sense of eloquence
But has that old lame whine
The beers were empty and our tongues were tired
Another book signing today
She put her hat on and hopped on her broom
And I watched her fly away
She graduated from a “safety school”
So she has no-one else to blame
There’s no intelligence inside her dome
That’s why she is so lame.