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Sarah Palin’s Cash Grabbing Book Tour Redux

Watch your mouth, young lady!

Here we go again. The Sarah Palin Travelling Book Tour and Money Grab is preparing for its next junket. The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska has announced that she will travel to 13 states in 11 days, including Iowa and South Carolina, sites of early presidential battles, according to a schedule provided to CNN by the book’s publisher, Harper Collins. Palin needs to raise money by means of these book signings because rumor has it that her private library was destroyed by fire last week and both books were lost before she could even finish coloring them.

Palin’s new book will be unleashed upon the unsuspecting public on November 23, 2010. This time however, there will be no question as to who actually wrote the book. You might recall that the educationally limited Palin was forced to employ a ghost-writer to pen her last tome. Palin has elected this time to dispense with the subterfuge (and criticism of the use of a ghost-writer) and simply release a book filled with the written works of others.

That’s right, in America By Heart, the former half term ex-quitting governor of Alaska, Fox News consultant and Reality TV host will reveal the sacred and personal nature of her love for our nation by simply pasting together a buffet of sermons, poems, speeches and essays which were authored by other people. Palin claims that these written pieces are the ones that “have moved her”. As HarperCollins puts it, the book will include…

“the nation’s founding documents, to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies.” (Favorite songs? Do you think she might include any of the Lynnrockets parodies?).

Seriously, would Sarah Palin ever dare to honestly reveal to the world the readings, sermons, songs and movies that inspired her? For example, will she tell us about the sermon that inspired her to have the witches driven from her body in that Youtube clip that everyone has seen? Will she reveal that the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off inspired her to skip so many classes that it took her over 6 years to earn a mere bachelor’s degree from a series of second rate colleges? Will she actually admit that she was inspired by the little known book, Sarah, Plain and Stupid? Will she explain how the “founding fathers” of the secessionist Alaska Independence Party (the AIP) inspired her to promote the party when she was Governor (and inspired “First Dude” Todd to actually register with the Party)? Would she ever dare to fess-up to the fact that her post-governorship career was inspired by the song, “Barbie Girl” (if you are not familiar with this song, click here)? Good grief!

Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off believes that it is our civic duty to warn the citizens of America as to when the Sarah Palin train wreck may be headed their way. To that end, here is her travel itinerary:

Nov. 23: Phoenix, Arizona
Nov. 26: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Nov. 27: Norfolk, Nebraska
Nov. 27: Des Moines, Iowa
Nov. 28: Andover, Kansas
Nov. 28: Dallas, Texas
Nov. 29: Houston, Texas
Nov. 29: New Orleans, Louisiana
Nov. 30: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Nov. 30: Little Rock, Arkansas
Dec. 1: Brentwood, Tennessee
Dec. 1: Lexington, Kentucky
Dec. 2: Spirit Lake, Iowa
Dec. 2. Carmel, Indiana
Dec. 3: Cincinnati, Ohio
Dec. 3: Columbia, South Carolina

You have now been forewarned. If you want to avoid Sarah Palin and her hypnotized, brain-dead, zombie-like worshippers, mark your calendars now so that you can “get out of Dodge”. Perhaps the sane residents of each of these cities and towns can take a page from our famous “forefathers” that Palin likes to reference so often and appoint a reliable Paul Revere-like patriot who can race through town shouting, “The Palins are coming! The Palins are coming!” At the very least, the air-raid sirens should be utilized.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

On The Road Again song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TD_pSeNelU

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

(sung to the Willie Nelson song “On The Road Again”)

On the road again –
Sarah can’t wait to get on the road again
The life she loves is taking money from her friends
Palin can’t wait to get on the road again

On the road again –
Goin’ places that she’s never been
Palin thinks that she’s campaigning once again
So she’s stealing dough from all her brain-dead friends

On the road again –
Like a band of gypsies, Palins ride the highways
Grifting never ends
Persisting like a plague that’s coming our way, yes our way

On the road again –
She says its great to just “reload” again
Good Lord above will Palin’s grifting never end?
Sarah can’t wait to get on the road again

(Fox News love-in break)

On the road again –
Just those Palin pip-squeaks always talking sideways
Every word offends
Insisting that the world keep turning their way, yes their way

She’s on the road again –
Palin can’t wait to get on the road again
The life she loves is taking money from her friends
And she can’t wait to get on the road again
And she can’t wait to get on the road again

Sarah Palin Is A Halloween Scream

sarah-palin_Lurch

Sarah Palin after learning that she is less popular than Michele Bachmann

It now appears that there is hope for all attendees of five or six colleges before obtaining any kind of a degree and to those who have lost elections and then quit their jobs. All they need do is simply have their memoirs ghostwritten and then sold to Harper-Collins Publishing. That course of action should land them a $ 1.25 million advance as it did for Sarah Palin, the former ex-quitting governor of Alaska.

The book is titled, Going Rogue and will be released on November 17, 2009. Problem is, the tome is already being heavily discounted and is sure to be found in the discount bins of most book stores after the holidays. Will the publisher be looking to recapture some of that advance from Palin should book sales flop? Alternatively, will Palin write a quick supplemental chapter to counter the most recent accusations of her former future son-in-law, Levi Johnston on this morning’s edition of CBS Early Show? Such as:

There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I’m not gonna hurt her that way … I have things that can, you know — that would get her in trouble, and could hurt her. Will hurt her. But I’m not gonna go that far. You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s — I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far.

Johnston also expanded upon his earlier contention in a Vanity Fair interview that Palin would refer to her Down syndrome child as “retarded.”

I was just in shock for the first time I heard it, and then she’d say it regularly. And I think she was joking, but it doesn’t make it right.

That does not reflect kindly upon Palin who very frequently in public appearances would use her son Trig as an example for kinder and more understanding treatment of children with special needs. It also calls into question her perhaps feigned, if not misguided, outraged reaction to a Photo-shopped illustration of her cradling a baby with the face of a conservative Alaskan radio personality on the basis that it was insulting to special needs children. Also regarding son Trig, Johnston said that Palin’s daughter Bristol performed most of the mothering.

Johnston did not however, unleash any bombshells about Palin, although he did let it be known that he still has plenty of ammunition.

Those are just little … things I put in Vanity Fair. You know, all the big things I got, I’m keeping — you know, i’m keeping them in, and — you know, it’s just something that probably will never come out.

Will it never come out? Perhaps Johnston is just holding back the big stuff for either future leverage against his once and future mother-in-law or as an enticement for some hush-up money. The plot thickens. The second segment of the Early Show interview will air tomorrow.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along to this Halloween inspired parody.

Rich Girl song link: http://www.last.fm/music/Hall%2B%2526%2BOates/_/Rich+Girl

WITCH GIRL III

(sung to the Hall & Oates song “Rich Girl”)

You’re a witch girl, up in A-las-ka
And it’s getting worse for you every day
You can perform like a Playboy Bunny
You can perform like a Playboy Bunny
You’re a stitch girl? Cuz you’re quite bizzare
So we really wish you would go away
Pray, Honey that we don’t send you too far
Send you too far

And don’t you know, don’t you know
That it’s wrong to preach politics of hate
You’re so far gone, so far gone
Lil’ Miss Caribou you belong in a zoo
Todd should be in there too

‘Cause

You’re a witch girl and you’re no big star
And mascara won’t help you hide your age
You can go on wearing rimless glasses
You can go on wearing rimless glasses
There’s a hitch girl, you’re a has-been now
And the voters have all left and turned the page
The pitbull is a pig with lipstick now
Now say “Bow Wow”

Not too bright, a bit insane
It’s so sleazy, to damn others just because they complain
Those little fools and their ethics rules
They just get in your way and impede your payday
They will rue the day, oh…

You’re a witch girl, and you’ve gone too far
But that defense fund should help to pay your way
You can rely on that SarahPAC money
You can rely on that SarahPAC money
You’ll be a rich girl with a brand new car
And then you’ll move your family far away
Save money but it won’t get you too far
Save money but it won’t get you too far
Save money but it won’t get you too far
Get you too far

And you say

You can rely on the SarahPAC money
You can rely on the SarahPAC money
You’re a rich girl, a witch girl
Oh, you’re a rich bitch girl yeah
Say money but it won’t get you too far
Oh, get ya too far