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Cain Is Not Able

As usual, we ask that you click on the song link here before reading this blog post so that you may enjoy some very appropriate background music which we now refer to as “Herman’s Theme”.

Part-time Republican Presidential candidate and full-time “player” Herman Cain was forced to hold a press conference last night to address the five (and counting) separate allegations of sexual misconduct which have emerged during the last two weeks. Before a throng of inquisitive media members, he said of all the allegations, “They simply didn’t happen. They simply did not happen.”

Cain’s denials came on the very same day that a fifth woman, Donna Donella emerged with the charge that in 2002, Cain tried to get her to arrange a dinner with a “lovely young lady” in the audience at a speech that he was giving. Additionally, just prior to Cain’s press conference, one of his original accusers revealed her identity. Karen Kraushaar was one of the women who received a settlement payment as the result of her sexual harassment charges and she told CNN that Cain is a “serial denier”. She also said that she would like to hold a joint press conference with all of the other alleged Cain victims so that the public could better understand his misbehavior.

At the abbreviated press conference, Cain was aggressive. He not only denied all of the allegations levied against him, but he also called one of his accusers, Sharon Bialek a liar. On Monday, Bialek said that Cain reached under her skirt and pressed her head toward his crotch when she was visiting him in Washington to get job hunting advice after she had been “terminated” from the National Restaurant Association. Last night Cain described Bialek as a “troubled” woman put up to making false allegations by forces trying to derail his presidential bid. He gave no details however,  as to who believes is behind the scheme except that it might be the amorphous “Democratic machine”. That seems unlikely in that Ms. Bialek has been a long-time registered Republican.

Cain took questions but provided few answers at his press conference. He essentially said that he had no recollection of any of the alleged events ever happening. He attempted to get away with saying that Kraushaar’s complaints had been found to be baseless, but when a reporter asked exactly which court, board or other trier of fact had made that determination, Cain backtracked. He was forced to admit that the victim’s lawyer and the Restaurant Association’s lawyer simply negotiated a monetary settlement to end the matter. When asked by another reporter if he would be willing to take a lie detector test to rebut the multiple claims that he engaged in sexual harassment, Cain said, “Yes. I absolutely would.” Once again however, he quickly backtracked and said, “But I’m not going to do that unless I have a good reason to do that.” It certainly appears that he has a good reason to do that if he wants his campaign to continue.

Cain will have another opportunity to fully address these claims further at the Republican Primary Debate tonight in Michigan. It will be interesting to see if the moderator or one of his GOP opponents brings up the topic. Even if the sexual misconduct subject does not emerge however, Herman Cain has plenty of other problems to address. For example, he will be forced to defend his 9-9-9 tax plan which has been recently exposed for having the effect of decreasing the tax burden on the nation’s super wealthy while increasing the tax burden on approximately 80% of working/middle class Americans. Another topic may be Cain’s spectacular ignorance of military foreign policy. That was revealed last week when, during an interview on PBS’ NewsHour, Cain warned that China has indicated it is “trying to develop nuclear capability.” Unbeknownst to Cain, China has had nuclear weapons since 1964. Cain has also stated that he could imagine a situation in which he would negotiate with terrorists if he were President. His Republican opponents are likely to engage in a pig-pile of criticism over those topics alone.

All in all, one thing has become certain over the last few weeks. Cain is not Able!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Rock You Like A Hurricane song link:


 (sung to the Scorpions song “Rock You Like A Hurricane”)

You had no warning
No time to shout
Now you are shaking
Time to speak out
Herm Cain was purring
And stroking your skin
Something’s gone wrong
He’s done it again
His lips looked hungry
And his breath smelled
What’s with those pinches?
Tell me, pray tell
Cain is a bum
His speech slurred and slow
You want to leave but…
Herm won’t let you go

Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain
Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain

Cain says he is yearning
Don’t try to shout
This liar is cunning
There is no doubt
Done this for ages
Plies gals with booze
Tries to get naked
Lets no-one refuse
His fingers crawling
Cain’s a real pro
When Herm is hungry
He runs the show
He’s lickin’ his lips
Now he’s movin’ in
On the hunt tonight
He took off his ring

Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain
Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain
Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain
Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain

Fondled by ol’ Herman Cain!

(9-9-9 tax break)

It’s Wednesday morning
The truth comes out
Herm Cain is shaking
He’s done no doubt
His deeds recurring
Over again
Campaign’s long gone
In light of his sins
He’s so appalling
The world now knows
Despite his money
He’s a side-show
He’s a sinking ship
Despite all his spin
His wife leaves tonight
It’s over for him

Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain
Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain
Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain
Here I am, fondled by ol’ Herman Cain
Here I am.