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Sarah Palin, “Start Your Engine !!!”

Sarah Palin will drive the "Arctic Cat" car in the Daytona 500

The announcement last week that Sarah Palin will appear in some unspecified capacity at the Daytona 500 in February should come as no surprise to those that follow the less than mediocre career of the former ex-quitting governor of Alaska. After all, the NASCAR crowd dovetails quite nicely with the audiences she will entertain  at the Bowling Proprietors’ Association of America’s Bowl Expo (i.e. the Bowlers’ Convention) and at the Wine and Liquor Wholesalers of America Convention (i.e. the Boozers’ Ball). In fact, inasmuch as all three of these events take place on different dates, it would not be surprising if the attendees of all three functions are exactly the same people. There is an undeniable symbiosis between drunks, bowlers and racing fans. Sarah Palin should mesh seamlessly.

In other news, CNN reports today that two key G.O.P. speakers have canceled their attendance and speeches at the Tea Party Convention on February 4-6, 2010 in Nashville, TN. Conservative congresswoman Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee and moon-bat crazy congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota have each backed out of the event at the last minute. Each of their offices has stated that the cancellations come as the result of the fact that the House Committee on Standards has advised them that the sponsor, Tea Party Nation’s for profit tax status could potentially place the elected officials in ethical jeopardy depending upon how the sponsor elects to spend the profits.

The most noteworthy aspect of the last minute cancellations however, is that the two Republicans upstaged keynote speaker Sarah Palin by stealing the thunder of quitting before she does. This puts Palin in a bind. She has attained the status of United States Quitter in Chief by means of her last minute backing out of numerous planned speaking engagements dating back to when she quit her job as Alaska’s governor last July. In order to retain that status, Palin might need to retroactively quit the Tea Party Convention to a date before yesterday. By quitting on the Tea Baggers however, she might irritate the exact same audience that she must appear before at the aforementioned Bowlers’ Convention, Boozer’s Ball and Daytona 500. Decisions. Decisions.

Factoid: The Tea Party Convention will be held at the seemingly inappropriately named Gaylord Opreyland Hotel.

In honor of Palin’s new-found road-racing affection please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s NASCAR inspired song parody.

Roadrunner cartoon theme song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fATQ06XniYA

ROAD RUNNER

(sung to the “Roadrunner” television cartoon theme)

If you’re on the highway and Ms. Palin goes “beep, beep”
Let her pass by cuz she once ran for VP
Ms. Palin, Ms. Palin runs from the truth all day
Even the fact checkers can’t make her change her ways

Ms. Palin, the media’s after you
Ms. Palin, even Glenn Beck says you’re through
Ms. Palin, we see every thing you do
Ms. Palin, no 2-0-1-2  for you

Sarah Palin is really a crazy clown
When will she learn she’ll always be voted down?
Poor Sarah Palin won’t say if she will run
Cuz starring on Fox News has turned out to be such fun

Ms. Palin, the media’s after you
Ms. Palin, even Glenn Beck says you’re through

Poor Sarah Palin seems to bother everyone
She’s runnin’ down the road like a nut with a loaded gun!!!

Hoping “What Goes To Vegas, Stays In Vegas”

Sarah Palin and her college beau, Jack Daniels

When Sarah Palin gave up on her State of Alaska and quit the governor’s job last summer she said, (sandwiched between a lot of gibberish) “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction”. For Palin, that direction was the world of paid speaking gigs. She ran away from the meager governor’s salary for a potentially lucrative career full of private speaking engagements. The problem for Palin was that she was quickly forced to realize that she was not in particularly high demand for the more prestigious speaking forums.

The trial run at her newly chosen vocation was at a financial investors’ forum in Hong Kong, coverage of which was closed to the press. Despite her attempts to limit critiquing of her oratory abilities by debuting many thousands of miles away from this “great nation of ours” and by closing the event to media coverage, her speech was recorded by many attendees. The reviews were not kind. Consequently, the demand for Palin at premier events spiraled downward.

Another obstacle to Palin’s efforts to secure speaking opportunities was her habit of pulling out of (dare we say, quitting) events at the last moment. On the numerous occasions that she pulled that stunt, she always laid the blame elsewhere. She would either blame the event organizers for announcing her appearance before her final approval, or she would blame her staff for a scheduling snafu. It appeared strange however, that those “problems” seemed to happen so often. One would think that if Palin were serious about her new vocation, she would straighten out the communication and scheduling problems post haste.

Nonetheless, Sarah Palin’s paid speaking opportunities lessened in terms of both quality and quantity. She was not a sought after commodity on the lecture circuit. Indeed, the New York Post reported, lecture buyers “are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she’s a blithering idiot.” Ouch, that is going to leave a mark! Newser.com reported, “Palin is too controversial for the subscription lecture series, whose organizers fear that subscribers will cancel if they see her on the schedule. Corporations, too, like to avoid controversy, and universities tend to lean left. ‘Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups—unless they are interested in moose hunting,’ says an insider. ‘What does she have to say? She can’t even describe what she reads.’ ” Nuff said.

Sarah Palin was left with only the dregs of the lecture circuit. She was booked to speak at two separate Tea Bagger events in January and February 2010. Unfortunately, Palin got a taste of her own medicine when the January event in Texas was canceled at the last moment without explanation. But for those venues, Palin has been relegated to the status of washed up Las Vegas entertainer. Really.  The former Republican Vice Presidential nominee is scheduled to make two speaking engagements in “Sin City”. Isn’t that a little like mixing oil and water? It seems odd that the conservative right’s poster child for family values and morality would be spending quality time in the the land of gambling, prostitution and organized crime. But hey, whatever grinds your beans.

First Sarah Palin accepted the gig as keynote speaker at the Bowling Proprietors’ Association of America’s Bowl Expo in June. You read that correctly, the bowling convention. That is about as far away from a prestigious speaking engagement as one can get. Maybe the bowlers will honor Palin with one of those snazzy bowling league shirts with her name (“Barricuda” maybe?) embroidered thereon. Or perhaps they might present her with a pair of high heeled bowling shoes. The possibilities are endless.

As a warm-up to the bowling event, Palin will be the keynote speaker at the Wine and Liquor Wholesalers of America convention also to be held in Vegas this April. The gala will include a “Wine and Spirits Tasting Competition”. Let’s all pray that Todd “The First Dude” Palin will not be driving anybody back to the hotel after that. Perhaps the conventioneers will honor Sarah Palin by naming a new drink after her. Maybe a “Quinine Quitter” or “Alaska Disastah” or “I Can See A White Russian From My House”? Any other suggestions?

All in all, let’s just hope that “What Goes To Vegas, Stays In Vegas” !!!

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody. This one was a joy to write!

Viva Las Vegas song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPuKoqu6kMk

QUEEN OF LAS VEGAS

(sung to the Elvis Presley song “Viva Las Vegas”)

Bright light city now she’s on a roll
Palin’s glad that she retired
There’s a whole lot of money that she’s fixin’ to earn
Speaking fees for a liar
A hundred thousand clams and she’ll fix up her hair
Slap on some heels with makeup to spare
They say she’s a dimwit but she don’t care
She’s off to Vegas, She’s off to Vegas

She can’t wait for her next score
In just twenty-four hours she’ll be paid
Sarah will dress up just like a whore
Cuz no one cares what she has to say
Oh, there’s bowlers and boozers with money to steal
Her fortune won’t be lost on either deal
Palin can’t wait to ride that big ferris wheel
She’s off to Vegas, She’s off to Vegas

Queen of Las Vegas with her earrings flashin’
And her health care reform bashin’
Shows that she has no brain
Queen of Las Vegas quit her job at the right time
Livin’ small off the state dime
If she said it once
She’ll just have to say it again

If she wants to have some fun
She might just pull out her gun
She’s not worried cuz she has Van Flein
If they think she’s a joke, oh well
Sarah will remember that she did not spend a dime
Oh, she’s gonna charge them boys an awful lot
Nuthin’ to say, but she sure looks hot
Memorized that speech but then she forgot
Queen of Las Vegas, Queen of Las Vegas
Queen of Las Vegas

Queen of…
Queen of Las Vegas