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Sarah Palin Memorial Month Continues…

Now that Sarah Palin has quit once again and her rapid fade from relevance has commenced, we thought it might be fun to memorialize her by re-posting some of our favorite Palin-centric columns and song parodies from the past. Let’s raise our collective glasses and toast the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska! Ah, Sarah, we hardly knew ye!

This column was originally posted on April 14, 2010. It comments upon Sarah Palin’s Tax Day Tea Party rally in Boston.

Palin’s Boston Tea Party Bombs!

The same outfit worn in Boston today.

Although Fox News will report that attendance was in the millions, the actual head count for Sarah Palin’s Tea-Bagger rally on Boston Common today was approximately 1000 (including protesters). Let’s put that in perspective. The population of metropolitan Boston is 4.5 million and only 1000 bothered to see Sarah Palin on a bright sunny Spring day with temperatures in the mid sixties . More people than that show up on a daily basis at Boston Common to watch a squirrel and a pigeon fight over a discarded pretzel. The television coverage of NECN embarrassingly showed a lot more green grass than human beings on the Common.

Palin protesters were present. Many were sporting signs which said, “Health Care Reform. No Thanks To Palin”. Another read, “Hey Sarah, Family Values = 30 Million Newly Insured Americans”. We will update with more on the protest signs as we learn more. One of the Tea-Baggers held a sign which said, “Remember When Dissent Was Patriotic?”, only it was misspelled as “Dessent”. How appropriate and predictable.

Palin was dressed in a red leather jacket with a flag button (as usual). She said that husband Todd was with her and that he liked this type of tea party more than the ones he was forced to attend with other first ladies when he was the “First Dude”. The former ex-quitting governor of Alaska spoke only for about 20 minutes. It was the usual nonsense drivel in which she criticized the current administration without offering even one single alternative policy initiative. She claimed that “radical” changes like the health care reform law and student loan reforms have alienated our allies. Huh? She uttered her tiresome refrain that “Bostonians, like the rest of America will continue to cling to our Constitution, our guns and our religion”. Of course, Palin did not realize that Massachusetts favors and harbors some of the most strict gun laws in the nation. Sarah Palin needs to do some homework about the venues where she speaks. Next, she said that “the government works for the people, not the other way around”. Perhaps she should ask the millions of federal, state and municipal employees about that doozy. In rapid succession she then said, “nu-cue-ler” “drill baby, drill” and “Ya betcha”. The best part of her speech was that the amplifiers cut out repeatedly such that most of the small crowd could not hear a word that she spoke. The rally was scheduled to last until 1:00 pm but the crowd was gone by 11:25 am.

At one point, Ms. Quittypants attempted to rev up the quiet gathering by claiming that she had a personal connection to Boston. She claimed to have been on a youth hockey trip here when she met 1980 Olympic hockey captain and champion, Mike Eruzione. Problem is, Palin forgot his first name and completely mispronounced his last name. Of course Mike Eruzione (the good Democrat that he is) was not present at the rally. Then again, neither was newly elected nudist Republican Senator Scott Brown, Republican gubernatorial candidate Charles Baker or Republican congressional candidate Jeffrey Perry. The Massachusetts Republican candidates (few that there are) realize that Sarah Palin and her violent yet silly rhetoric is toxic to their election chances.

Sarah Palin was introduced to the tiny audience by local uber-conservative talk radio host and columnist for the Boston Herald (Enquirer). Michael Graham. Graham airs his acerbic daily radio show on Boston’s WTKK (affectionately known as WKKK as the result of its almost entirely right wing lineup). It is interesting to note that Graham drew criticism from blogs on the Left and the Right for comments about Bill and Hillary Clinton made on CNN Headline News’ Glenn Beck Show on June 20, 2007. Referring to a Clinton campaign ad based on the final episode of The Sopranos, Graham said “…didn’t you at some point want to see, like, Paulie Walnuts, somebody come in here and just whack them both right there? Wouldn’t that have been great?…Come on! Where’s “Big Pussy”? Come on! Let’s make it happen…I wanted that.” Graham adores and advocates gun violence as much as his hero Sarah Palin.

Thankfully, the response to this version of the Boston Tea Party was tepid.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U

ALASKAN PIE

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Levi sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Alaskans for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still go with the flow?
And can Todd’s sister score me some good blow?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for two years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Ethics problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
When you’re starring in a demon cleansing mass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit her job and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the voters beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Sherry Johnston was tokin’
The “barracuda” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
That day her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

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The Boston Herald (Republican) Trashes Both Palin And Bachmann

The newspaper of record in Boston, MA is, of course, The Boston Globe. Indeed, most people around the nation do not even realize that Boston also has a second daily because it is the Globe which wins most all of the national awards.

There is however, a second newspaper in Beantown. It is the little known Boston Herald. The Herald does not have much of a circulation and it is the same type of propaganda arm for the Republican Party that Fox News is to the GOP on the airwaves. It is a tabloid paper which is more like the National Enquirer than The Washington Post. Think of the Herald as a low-rent Daily News with more interest in a catchy (though often misleading) headline than with factual and substantive reporting.

Despite its uber-conservtive bent however, sometimes even the The Boston Herald gets it right. Today is one of those days. Columnist Margery Eagan (who is also a talk radio host) did an excellent job of writing a spot-on comparison of Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman. In short, she opines that the former ex-quitting half-term Gov. of Alaska is a low-rent version of the present three term Rep. and GOP Presidential candidate from Minnesota. But don’t take my word for it, here is the article. If you do not mind, I am also asking my readers to click on the link to the Herald article here so that the paper and Ms. Eagan get the credit they deserve for this wonderful piece. You will also enjoy reading the hilarious comments from the Herald’s conservative readers.

Here we go. Please enjoy.

Michele Bachmann eclipses Palin, but both clueless

“Michele Bachmann just told the Herald that she’s no Sarah Palin clone.
She’s right.
“When Sarah Palin looks at Michele Bachmann she must feel the way the Jonas Brothers feel about Justin Bieber,” said blogger Andy Borowitz.
Bachmann’s leaving Mama Grizzly behind.Bachmann is older yet just as gorgeous. (Sarah’s 47 and Bachmann’s an inspiring 55).Bachmann really gets your attention. (She was the first to link the children’s classic “The Lion King” to homosexual brainwashing).Palin’s daughter, Bristol, who recently underwent what appears to be a head transplant, says Bachmann copies her mother’s style. But beyond Tea Party politics, the only common ground I’ve seen is their nonstop goofs about the Founding Fathers, the American Revolution and the Constitution — what both women claim as the bedrock of their politics.A partial list: Sarah, as we know, believes Paul Revere’s ride was about warning the British, not the colonists. She said the Founding Fathers recited the Pledge of Allegiance (its earliest version didn’t appear until 1892) and based the Constitution on the Bible and the Ten Commandments (big, big whoops).On a lighter note, Sarah gave us the “words” refudiate, misunderestimate, squirmish (what she says we’re up to in Libya) and, lest we forget, “wee-wee’d up.”Michele just mixed up American icon John Wayne with psycho killer John Wayne Gacy. More worrisome, she said the shot heard ’round the world was fired in New Hampshire, not Massachusetts; and that John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father (he was 8 when the Declaration of Independence was signed). She also insisted the Founding Fathers ended slavery, though several were slave owners themselves and dead long before the Civil War.On an even more disturbing note, PolitiFact.com, which checks politicians’ claims, just checked some of Bachmann’s recent campaign announcements and found one true statement, six half-true statements and 16 that nobody could quite figure out.

It’s not fair, but female politicians still have to work harder to be taken seriously. It’s also true that the mainstream media are kinder to liberals who goof. That’s why Barack Obama could claim he campaigned in 57 states without Fox News’ Chris Wallace asking whether he is “flake,” as Wallace just did with Bachmann.

But it’s also true that you shouldn’t be clueless about the basics if you’re running for Leader of the Free World.

Had Sarah Palin studied more and tweeted less since 2008, she might be a serious presidential contender today. That’s a lesson Bachmann, who’s still contending, should take to heart.”

Well said Ms. Eagan. Well said.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Two Of Us song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1Y3PlmwnRM

TWO OF US

(sung to the Beatles song “Two Of Us”)

Two of us dying our hair
Spending someone’s hard earned pay
You and me both conniving
Numbers diving in all recent polls
Our brains out on loan
Just like Fred Flintstone
We are two clones

Two of us freakin’ retards
Signing book sleeves at the mall
Sending Twitter dispatches
Try and catch us as we mount our thrones
We have empty domes
Just watch our mouths foam
We love to drone

We both have short memories
Like a dead end road
There’s nothing in our heads

Two of us spewing misquotes
Stooping so low, having fun
Never reading the papers
Scheming capers on the telephone
From our pricey homes
In the twilight zone
We are two clones

We both have short memories
Like a dead end road
There’s nothing in our heads

Bachmann is casting “No” votes
Palin showboats with her guns
Both of them are just fakers
Trouble makers when they’re not at home
Whereabouts unknown
They’ll reap what they’ve sown
They are two clones

They are just two clones

Yes sir

Wacky Bachmann Out-Crazies Failin’ Palin And Announces Presidential Run

Bachmann and Bat-Boy Separated at Birth

How fitting that moonbat-crazy Michele Bachmann will announce her presidential candidacy in Waterloo (Iowa, that is). Her campaign after all, should have about as much success as did Napoleon’s in the Waterloo which is now part of Belgium. Disaster is surely in the cards and is there anything more mesmerizing than viewing a car-wreck on the highway? Who would have thought that the wackiest Republican presidential candidate would be someone other than Sarah Palin?

Sarah Palin has long been the darling of the Tea Baggers. That was natural in that she and they shared an affinity for misspelling and the misunderstanding of such things as Medicare, the United States Constitution and a proper dress code (Naughty Monkey cork-heeled shoes or tri-cornered hat with powdered wig?). Palin truly spoke the language of the educationally-challenged and the Tea Baggers understood it.

But something funny happened on the way to Tea Party stardom. Tea Partiers (and the American population as a whole) began to lose interest in the “Quitter on Twitter”. The first sign of this was when Palin’s “favorable” ratings began to drop in poll after poll. Additionally, her second ghost-written book did not sell nearly as well as her first and the corresponding cross-country book tour was not well attended by devotees. The final straw may have been her disastrous video response to the Tucson shootings. Even her co-workers at Fox News realized that her “The Real Victim Of The Tucson Shootings Was Me!” speech did not resonate well with anyone. Consequently, they invited her to an immediate soft-ball interview with Sean Hannity in an attempt to resurrect her credibility. Unfortunately (for her), that failed also, too. Shortly thereafter, Palin was crushed by Mitt(wit) Romney in a New Hampshire straw poll heavily attended by Tea Partiers. Since then, she has not finished atop a poll of likely GOP presidential contenders even once. In short, it appears that the Tea Party has “refudiated” Sarah Palin.

During the entire period that the former ex-quitting half-term Gov. of Alaska was basking in the national limelight, Michele Bachmann was busy building a Tea Bagging base of her own. She shared all the same misguided beliefs and encouraged all the same ill-conceived policies as Palin, but she was not in everyone’s face all the time. She did not post a Facebook comment or Twitter tweet in response to any word uttered by President Obama or the “lamestream” media. She did not appear in her own un-reality television series. And, she did not get into a war of words with every comedian that dared mention her name (i.e. David Letterman, Kathy Griffin and Bill Maher).

Bachmann’s plan to capture the Tea Party crown was more conventional than Palin’s. She was already a Washington insider inasmuch as she is a three term Representative from Minnesota. She capitalized on her elected office by forming the Congressional “Tea Party Caucus”. She is also fruitcake-nutty enough to appeal to radical Tea Baggers. You might recall that she advocated for a McCarthyesque investigation of members of Congress to determine if they are anti-American. She heartily agreed with Sarah Palin regarding her “death panel” lie. She fell hook, line and sinker for an internet rumor that President Obama’s 2010 trip to Asia cost $200 miilion per day and that he would be accompanied by 34 warships. She said that teenagers should pay their employers for the privilege of working instead of receiving the minimum wage and she said that being gay is “part of Satan”. She also displayed a complete lack of knowledge of American history when she proclaimed that the famous “Shot Heard Round the World” was fired in New Hampshire. (BTW, for you Teapublicans and Boston Herald readers, the shot was fired at the Battle of Lexington and Concord in Massachusetts).  Like Palin’s sniper-sight symbolism, Bachmann also utilizes violent rhetoric such as when she said she wanted Minnesotans “armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.” All of that is highly digestible stuff for the Tea Party.

Nonetheless, if you have not yet been convinced that Michele Bachmann is kookoo for cocoa puffs, just take a look at some of her more memorable quotes as compiled by The Huffington Post:

  • And what a bizarre time we’re in, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.”
  • “I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?”
  • “There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”
  • “I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”
  • [Gay marriage] is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that.”
  • “Normalization [of gayness] through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: ‘I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.’”
  • “But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”
  • “It is a brand new, billion-dollar high speed train that is going to go from Disneyland up to Las Vegas…Harry Reid, the Senator from Nevada, was behind this measure, and it makes us wonder, is he more interested in making sure kids start gambling at younger ages?”
  • “The President of the United States will be taking a trip over to India that is expected to cost the taxpayers $200 million a day.”

There is no doubt that Michele Bachmann can match Sarah Palin in the “Tea Party Two-Step” move for move. Indeed, the Bachmann campaign even stole away Palin’s debate coach. Is that crazy enough for you? Think about that for a moment. Michele Bachmann actually wants to be coached by the person that is highly responsible for some of the all-time worst (yet laugh-out-loud hilarious) debate and interview performances in televised history. Remember when during the Vice Presidential debate, Palin was unable to provide a single policy solution for the financial crisis, the economy in general, health care or the war on terror? She gave little more than promises of reform and “maverick”-y governance. How about her “All of ’em any of ’em” response to the question “…what newspapers and magazines do you read…?”. Some of that must be blamed on the coach. Perhaps we will get an early indication of the prowess of her new coach if Bachmann accepts the challenge to debate one of those high-schoolers who have recently criticized her lack of history and scientific knowledge (See, “Kids vs. Bachmann. Score: Kids 2 Bachmann 0“).

Michele Bachmann’s candidacy is sure to amuse us for many months ahead. Stay tuned. Same Bat-Crazy time! Same Bat-Crazy channel!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

The Flintstones television theme song link: http://www.televisiontunes.com/Flintstones.html

BACHMANN

(sung to the television theme song “The Flinstones”)

Bachmann. Michele Bachman
A Congresswoman that is bat crazy
She and Sarah Palin
Driving voters from the G.O.P.

She can’t form a sentence that’s complete
Now she’s targeted for big defeat

When you’re Michele Bachmann
You’re just living off the state dime
Endorsing hate crimes
Exposed during prime time

Bachmann. Michele Bachman
Hates Blacks, children and those that are gay
She is clearly brain dead
Can’t seem to get out of her own way

She talks right through the rain, snow and sleet
Every single thought is incomplete

When you’re Michele Bachmann
You’re just living off the state dime
Endorsing hate crimes
Exposed during prime time

Exposed during prime time

Palin and Johnston Have The Wedding Bell Blues

Wedding Bell Blues

Let us return now to those halcyon days of 21st century Wasilla, Alaska where Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are happily planning their wedding. Oh wait a second. What was that, things are not so copacetic in Wasilla these days? There’s poutin’ in Palinville? There’s sobbing in Sarahtown? There’s weeping in Weddingburgh? Please, tell us more.

OK then, here’s the skinny. Last week we learned through The National Enquirer that Levi Johnston (unwed father of Bristol Palin’s baby) may be the father of another child. It is alleged that the mother is one of his ex-girlfriends named Lanesia Garcia. To add insult to injury, it appears that Lanesia was formerly one of Bristol’s BFF’s. That would be enough to break-up most other on-again off-again wedding engagements but wait, this is the Palin Clan we’re talking about. There’s more.

A source has told E! News that the break up is, instead, over Levi’s ex-girlfriend, Briana Plum. “There was an interview with her and Bristol wasn’t happy about some of the things said,” the source tells E! News. “There was also some picture on Facebook of him and Briana, and Bristol allegedly just said, “Let’s hold off on the engagement”. The Boston Herald (Enquirer) reports that as a result of the alleged philandering, Bristol and Levi are only communicating via text messages at the moment. How very Paninesque. Perhaps this is a new strain of text-ticular cancer.

There is however, one person that must be thrilled with the break-up of the tabloid teens. It has been widely reported that Sarah Palin, the half term ex-quitting governor of Alaska, is contemplating a 2012 run for the Presidency. If such is the case, she could do without the continuing saga which would be certain to follow the unification of the Palin Hillbillies and the Johnston Bunch. On the other hand, if Levi is on the outs again, there is nothing to stop him from publishing his revenge inspired tell-all tome about the Palins. Oh, the suspense is delicious.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Honky Cat song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MW7H6iohAb8&feature=fvst

HOCKEY DAD

(sung to the Elton John song “Honky Cat”)

When I look back, boy I just wanna scream
Why’d we run that story in US Magazine
Levi’s a romancer, he was never all mine
Although we had some shitty fights, money made us blind

I say, “Get back, hockey dad”
“Better get back to the woods”
“There is no pay-day with your redneck ways”
“And, Umm, umm, umm, umm”
“Oh, the change is gonna do me good”

“Ya better get back, hockey dad”
“Livin’ in Wasilly ain’t where it’s at”
“You keep tryin’ to find gold in this life of mine”
“You been getting’ real frisky,     Ohh”
“With a few friends of mine”

Well we’re in mom’s books and we’re in some magazines
The world knows we were nothin’ but two pregnant teens
And all my folks back home well, know I am a fool
They said, “Oh please tell us dear Lord, why did she quit school?”

I say, “Get back, hockey dad”
“Levi, you’re really no good”
“With your drunkin’ days and your cheatin’ ways”
“And, Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo”
“Oh, the change is gonna do me good”

(instrumental break)

I say, “Get back, hockey dad”
“Levi, you’re just sportin’ wood”
“You must think I’m crazed, livin’ in a haze”
“And, Oh, oh, oh, oh”
“Oh, the change is gonna do me good”

You gave me the bone, boy and tried to win my heart
You are just a pretty boy, that’s poking every tart
But mom thinks your gay, yes she told me so
Why when you were on top, I should have said, “NO”

“You better get back, hockey dad”
“Better start wearin’ a hood”
“Cuz it’s not a phase, all your cheatin’ ways”
“And  ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, oh, the change is gonna do me good”

“Ya better get back, hockey dad”
“Livin’ in Wasilly ain’t where it’s at”
“You keep tryin’ to find gold in this life of mine”
“You been getting’ real frisky,     Ohh”
“With a few friends of mine”

Oh yeah…

Get back hockey dad, get back hockey dad, get back, Oooh
Get back hockey dad, get back hockey dad, get back, Oooh

Conservative Boston Rag Exposes Palin Gaffes and Ignorance (UPDATED)

Wow, now even the conservative newspapers are pointing out Sarah Palin’s multiple recent gaffes. On Tuesday, the Boston Herald (Enquirer) revealed to its conservative readership that the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska knows not what she is talking about when it comes to geography, court decisions or  New Hampshire legislation. Mind you, this particular newspaper is merely the barely read conservative rag of a tabloid that plays a distant second fiddle to the city’s newspaper of record, The Boston Globe. Nonetheless, it is a good sign when a conservative arm of the media not only recognizes Sarah Palin’s ignorance but exposes it to the public. Kudos to the Boston Herald.

Alaska’s former Quitter-in-Chief waded into the waters of New Hampshire politics (the first presidential primary state) last week when she endorsed Republican Senate hopeful Kelly Ayotte. Predictably, Palin utilized the sophomoric means of communication known as Facebook to publish her ignorance. The Herald (Enquirer), which is usually a trusted ally of anything conservative, reported that Palin, in reference to Alaska’s Kodiac Island, said,

As we work and sightsee on America’s largest island, we’ll get to view more majestic bears, so now is a good time to draw attention to the political equivalent of the species.

Apparently, Palin does not realize that Kodiac is not “America’s largest island”. In fact, America’s largest island is Hawaii. To add insult to injury, the newspaper revealed that Palin should know a little something about Hawaii inasmuch as one of her many sub-par college stints took place there. By that measure, she should also know a little bit about Alaska and Idaho also too.

But that was not Palin’s only mistake. The conservative newspaper reported that Palin “also overlooked some key facts in saying Ayotte ‘battled all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court to protect the rights of New Hampshire parents — and won!’”  The Herald pointed out that Palin mentioned the case three times in seven paragraphs, concluding that Ayotte will fight for New Hampshire voters “just as passionately and fearlessly as she fought for you in the highest court of the land.”

Truth be told however, Ayotte (New Hampshire’s Attorney General at the time) never won the case in question. The case was never decided by the U.S. Supreme Court, and the law which she was defending (i.e. a requirement that there be 48 hour parental notification prior to a minor’s abortion) was repealed by the state’s own legislature prior to its enactment. Hence, Sarah Palin once again demonstrated a thorough lack of knowledge of Supreme Court decisions just as she did when she was famously quizzed by Katie Couric. Just for giggles, let’s take a look at that one once again, shall we?

Sarah Palin is a Moran (as that great Tea-Bagger sign once said) and it is nice to see that at least one conservative newspaper in the “lamestream media” is finally revealing that fact to its readers.

UPDATE

CNN now reports that in a blistering Op-Ed on the front page of the ultra-conservative New Hampshire Union-Leader‘s Wednesday edition, publisher Joseph McQuaid writes the former Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee knows little about the Granite State and even less about its residents.

Former Gov. Palin isn’t making these endorsements because, as she claims, she has spent time in New Hampshire and thus knows that the people here are a lot like Alaskans. She spent a few hours here on one day during the 2008 Presidential election. That’s still more time than she spent getting to know Ayotte, but it takes quite a bit longer to know New Hampshire. Don’t fret over what a “Mama Grizzly” from Alaska does, right now, Granite Staters have more to worry about in keeping bears away from bird feeders.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody which was suggested by regular Blast-Off reader, Ripley in CT.

The Ballad Of Davey Crockett song link:  http://www.televisiontunes.com/Davey_Crocket.html

THE BALLAD OF SARAH PALIN

(sung to the television theme song “Ballad Of Davey Crockett”)

Lives in a compound up in Wassilly,
Behind a big fence so Joe can’t see
She got a taste of being “Mavericky”,
So she quit her job as Alaska’s G
Sarah, Sarah Palin, the lipsticked mama bear!

Tea-Baggers follow her where she goes,
Starin’ at their tv’s when she’s on Fox shows
A Palin sighting sets them all aglow,
As she shakes their hands and then takes all their dough
Sarah, Sarah Palin, spreading her hate and fear!

Through Red State woods she’s a marchin’ along,
Makin’ up yarns like her “death panel” song
Her looks are frightenin’ and she smells quite strong,
She’s really just a liar with facts all wrong
Sarah, Sarah Palin, the brain-dead buccaneer!

Letterman said that she dresses like a whore,
Then she screamed so much that her throat got sore
She had money but she needed some more,
Got herself a Greyhound for her book tour
Sarah, Sarah Palin, profiteering pioneer!

She says the Lord is her guiding hand,
And dinosaurs co-existed with man
All those books that disagree should be banned,
That sciencey stuff she don’t understand
Sarah, Sarah Palin, logic she will not hear!

She believes that Congress should go to Hell,
She will send them there by castin’ a witch spell
Palin wants Washington to listen well,
To all those fabrications that she does tell
Sarah, Sarah Palin, the moonbat of the year!

When she goes home her politickin’ done,
Alaskans all will up and run
But Sarah will pick up her trusty gun,
And shoot up all her neighbors just for fun
Sarah, Sarah Palin, her rifle sight is clear!

She moved to Houston an’ Austin so,
To the southern states she just had to go
Tea-Baggers were fightin’ another foe,
And Sarah hates the immigrant Joe
Sarah, Sarah Palin, nativist without peer!

She’s not the smartest but she is dumbest,
Despite six schools could not pass a test
When it comes to being dumb she’s the best,
She should make her home in a cuckoo’s nest
Sarah, Sarah Palin, the lipsticked mama bear!


Palin’s Boston Tea Party Bombs!

The same outfit worn in Boston today.

Although Fox News will report that attendance was in the millions, the actual head count for Sarah Palin’s Tea-Bagger rally on Boston Common today was approximately 1000 (including protesters). Let’s put that in perspective. The population of metropolitan Boston is 4.5 million and only 1000 bothered to see Sarah Palin on a bright sunny Spring day with temperatures in the mid sixties . More people than that show up on a daily basis at Boston Common to watch a squirrel and a pigeon fight over a discarded pretzel. The television coverage of NECN embarrassingly showed a lot more green grass than human beings on the Common.

Palin protesters were present. Many were sporting signs which said, “Health Care Reform. No Thanks To Palin”. Another read, “Hey Sarah, Family Values = 30 Million Newly Insured Americans”. We will update with more on the protest signs as we learn more. One of the Tea-Baggers held a sign which said, “Remember When Dissent Was Patriotic?”, only it was misspelled as “Dessent”. How appropriate and predictable.

Palin was dressed in a red leather jacket with a flag button (as usual). She said that husband Todd was with her and that he liked this type of tea party more than the ones he was forced to attend with other first ladies when he was the “First Dude”. The former ex-quitting governor of Alaska spoke only for about 20 minutes. It was the usual nonsense drivel in which she criticized the current administration without offering even one single alternative policy initiative. She claimed that “radical” changes like the health care reform law and student loan reforms have alienated our allies. Huh? She uttered her tiresome refrain that “Bostonians, like the rest of America will continue to cling to our Constitution, our guns and our religion”. Of course, Palin did not realize that Massachusetts favors and harbors some of the most strict gun laws in the nation. Sarah Palin needs to do some homework about the venues where she speaks. Next, she said that “the government works for the people, not the other way around”. Perhaps she should ask the millions of federal, state and municipal employees about that doozy. In rapid succession she then said, “nu-cue-ler” “drill baby, drill” and “Ya betcha”. The best part of her speech was that the amplifiers cut out repeatedly such that most of the small crowd could not hear a word that she spoke. The rally was scheduled to last until 1:00 pm but the crowd was gone by 11:25 am.

At one point, Ms. Quittypants attempted to rev up the quiet gathering by claiming that she had a personal connection to Boston. She claimed to have been on a youth hockey trip here when she met 1980 Olympic hockey captain and champion, Mike Eruzione. Problem is, Palin forgot his first name and completely mispronounced his last name. Of course Mike Eruzione (the good Democrat that he is) was not present at the rally. Then again, neither was newly elected nudist Republican Senator Scott Brown, Republican gubernatorial candidate Charles Baker or Republican congressional candidate Jeffrey Perry. The Massachusetts Republican candidates (few that there are) realize that Sarah Palin and her violent yet silly rhetoric is toxic to their election chances.

Sarah Palin was introduced to the tiny audience by local uber-conservative talk radio host and columnist for the Boston Herald (Enquirer). Michael Graham. Graham airs his acerbic daily radio show on Boston’s WTKK (affectionately known as WKKK as the result of its almost entirely right wing lineup). It is interesting to note that Graham drew criticism from blogs on the Left and the Right for comments about Bill and Hillary Clinton made on CNN Headline News’ Glenn Beck Show on June 20, 2007. Referring to a Clinton campaign ad based on the final episode of The Sopranos, Graham said “…didn’t you at some point want to see, like, Paulie Walnuts, somebody come in here and just whack them both right there? Wouldn’t that have been great?…Come on! Where’s “Big Pussy”? Come on! Let’s make it happen…I wanted that.” Graham adores and advocates gun violence as much as his hero Sarah Palin.

Thankfully, the response to this version of the Boston Tea Party was tepid.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U

ALASKAN PIE

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Levi sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Alaskans for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still go with the flow?
And can Todd’s sister score me some good blow?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for two years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Ethics problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
When you’re starring in a demon cleansing mass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit her job and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the voters beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Sherry Johnston was tokin’
The “barracuda” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
That day her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Scott Brown Declines Sarah Palin Tea-Bagging Offer

Whenever Lynnrockets gets to use the names Scott Brown and Sarah Palin in the same headline, it is a good day for the Democrats.

That having been said, the most newly elected US Senator from the “Party of No” has just said “No” to  Sarah Palin. The former ex-quitting Governor of Alaska will be in Boston, Massachusetts tomorrow as one of the featured speakers at a Tea Party rally, but Scott Brown has refused her invitation to be tea-bagged. He dares not attend the event. Indeed, the headline in yesterday’s Boston Herald (the conservative tabloid rag which plays a distant second fiddle to Boston’s newspaper of record, The Boston Globe) blared, “Scott Brown Snubs Sarah Palin, Bags Tea Party Rally”.

Despite the fact that out of state money and support from the Tea Party played a significant role in the surprise election of the clothing challenged Brown in last January’s special election to fill Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, the group and Palin are now too toxic to Brown’s 2012 bid for re-election in Blue Massachusetts. The Boston Herald quotes political analyst Lou DiNatale as saying,

You’re worried at a rally that there’s a sign, a statement, an incident that’s certifiably cuckoo occurs. To win re-election, Scott Brown floating to the right is a serious problem. And showing up at a Sarah Palin, Tea Party event is not the way to the middle.

No truer words have been spoken. The educationally challenged Palin continues to parade around the country inciting Tea-Baggers to “reload” in a clear reference to a call to arms. She has placed rifle-sight targets over the districts of Democratic Party politicians on a website and she has taken up the John Boehner (pronounced, Boner) mantra of referring to the Republican Party as the “Party of Hell No”. Her “fightin’ words” are clearly driving away the moderates and that is a constituency that Scott Brown needs in Massachusetts. The last thing Brown wants is a photo of him and Palin together. After-all, he has enough problems with that nude centerfold spread (see above and below).

The Herald report also reminded us however, that this is not the first time that Scott brown has snubbed Sarah Palin,

Shortly after his triumph, Brown denied receiving a congratulatory call from Palin, only to remember the exchange when pressed.

Now we must wonder how Palin and the Tea-Baggers will react. Sarah Palin never takes kindly to any kind of criticism and she is the de-facto leader of the Tea-Baggers. However, Scott Brown is the rising star of the Republican Party. Do Palin and the Tea-Baggers dare to work against Brown and thereby impair his chances of advancement within the party? Let’s hope so! Stay tuned for the Battle of the Celebrity Stars.

Joining Scott Brown in boycotting the Tea-Bagger event will be other prominent (If one can use the words prominent and Republican in the same sentence in MA) Massachusetts Republicans. Gubernatorial candidate Charles D. Baker and conservative congressional candidate, Jeffrey D. Perry will also find other things to do on Wednesday. Apparently, they also find Palin to be unpalatable.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Please Come To Boston song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBpTedlEFsY

PLEASE COME TO BOSTON

(sung to the Dave Loggins song “Please Come To Boston”)

Please come to Boston late this spring time
Bring all your Tea-Bagger friends
To spread your doom and gloom
Holding misspelled banners on the sidewalk
Sarah Palin will fly in on her witch’s broom
Please come to Boston
For the show
It’s a Tea Party

And we’ll say, “Hey, Tea-Baggers,
Why don’t you settle down?
Boston ain’t your kind of town.
You’re being told that
We all despise Sarah P.
She won’t find many fans
Where we held the first Tea Party

Please come to Boston for a big brawl
Your heads shoved up in your asses so far
That they can’t be found.
Sarah Palin will bring the flames for fannin’
But Beantowners will bury her and not in hallowed ground.
Please come to Boston
Face your foes
In the city by the sea

And we’ll say, “Tea-Bagging boys,
Put your tea kettles down
Boston ain’t your kind of town.
You’re being told that
We all despise Sarah P.
She won’t find many fans
Where we held the real Tea Party

Now, Palin’s voice is a piercing sound
And no doubt, it’s never gonna stop
But ol’ Boston is a college town
With brains that she ain’t got
That goes for Van Flein too,
Her lawyer that she clings to.

Please come to Boston but not forever
Palin will provide a nice comedic fill
When her speech is finished we’ll throw her in the ocean
She’ll “go with the flow” like last July
She’ll look like an oil spill
Please come to Boston
Bring Plumber Joe
You can stay with Mitt Romney

And she said, Hey, Romney boy,
Why don’t you settle down?
Boston sure ain’t my kind of town
They don’t like fools so
They won’t like no-one like me.
No, no I am sure to be banned
In that city by the sea.
I am sure to be banned
In that city by the sea.”