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Newsweek’s Todd “First Dude” Palin Fluff Piece

Last week Newsweek magazine released a fluff piece about Sarah Palin’s husband titled “The Model Political Spouse – Todd Palin Can Handle Another Campaign. Friends Hope He Won’t Have To Prove It.” The article was so lacking in substance that it would have been more fitting in People or US Weekly.

The author, Zev Chafets, provided approximately one and a half pages of a description of a lunch and visit with Todd Palin’s father, Jim Palin. The only thing we learned about the senior Palin was that he had never eaten calamri, he is retired, and he does not like to discuss daughter-in-law Sarah Palin’s political career. The only noteworthy tidbit gleamed from the author’s visit with Jim Palin was that the the former ex-quitting half-term governor’s household yard looks the way we would expect it to look. He wrote, “The Palins’ yard is strewn with five snowmobiles, half a dozen dusty trucks, several small aluminum boats, a couple of airplane floats, a trampoline, and a little plastic basketball hoop. ” Did we really expect anything different from the Wasilla Hillbillies?

The article also contained brief portions of the author’s conversation with one of Todd’s friends. Martin Buser the Iditarod racer hopes that, for Todd’s sake, Sarah palin does not seek the Republican nomination for president. Buser said, “He’s secure enough to have a successful woman; he’d be fine with the limelight Sarah would get as president. But would he suffer, shut up indoors at the White House? Absolutely he would.” Sort of like describing how a koala bear loses it s essence for life while being caged-up at the zoo. Buser went on to describe the type of individuals that impress Todd. He said, “We met a lot of important people, but it takes somebody real accomplished to impress a guy like Todd, an athlete at the top of his game who has won so often on his own terms.” Apparently in Buser’s opinion only accomplished athletes impress Todd. Forget about great intellects or those those folks folks who have bettered the world with great humanitarian accomplishments. Jeesh, with friends like Martin Buser, does Todd need any enemies?

Chafets’ article was most disappointing however,  for its failure to critique Todd Palin in any meaningful way. For instance, there was no mention of the fact that for 7 years (1995-2002) Palin was registered as a member of the Alaskan Independence Party which has a goal of having the state of Alaska secede from the United States of America. The article also failed to mention that on October 10, 2008, Todd Palin was cited in special investigator Stephen Branchflower’s report to the Alaskan Legislative Council. One of Branchflower’s four main findings was that Governor Sarah Palin violated Alaska’s Ethics Act when she “wrongfully permitted Todd Palin to use the governor’s office…to continue to contact subordinate state employees in an effort to find some way to get her former brother-in-law, State Trooper Mike Wooten fired.” Finally, why no mention of the published reports that Todd was a frequent recipient of massages and possibly more from an Alaskan prostitute?

You would think after reading this fluff piece that Newsweek magazine was actually a Todd “First Dude” Palin fanzine.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more singing along with today’s topical, song parody. Please enjoy!

“Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town” song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeAbgBPP_N4&feature=related

FIRST DUDE, DON’T TAKE YOUR LOVE TO TOWN

 (sung to the Kenny Rogers song “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town”)

You’ve pulled on your mukluks
And combed and gelled your graying hair
First Dude are you contemplating
Leaving Mama Bear
I bought that blow-up doll
For you so you could fool around
Oh First Dude
Don’t take your love to town

Oh was it me
Who drove you to that massage table whore?
While I was making dough
Talking ‘bout patriotic wars
And yes, it’s true that
I’m not the wife I used to be
Oh, First Dude, you still know I’m “mavericky”

It’s hard to love a wife
Who breeds dissent and always lies
But the wants and the needs of a woman my age
Just cannot be denied
And it won’t be long I’ve heard them say until I’m not around
Oh First Dude
Don’t take your love to town

Todd’s leaving now cause
I just heard the slamming of the door
But frankly I don’t give a damn
If he’s on a sex tour
Still I just might move to get my gun
And put him in the ground
Oh First Dude
Don’t take your love to town

Oh First Dude
For my sake turn around

Sarah Palin The Bibliotheque

Oh this is delicious. Sarah Palin is releasing a new book. Publisher HarperCollins has announced that the former ex-quitting Governor of Alaska and failed Republican (is “failed Republican” redundant?) US Vice Presidential candidate is releasing  a second book titled, “Family, Faith and Flag”. How original! By the way, it is just as uniquely subtitled, “A Celebration of American Virtues and Strengths”. Way to go out there on a limb Sarah, in an effort to comment on something controversial. Will Ms. Quittypants never learn that you can only drape yourself in the flag so long before people begin to question your motives (and sanity)?

Most likely as a direct result of her poorly penned, critically panned and mostly ghostwritten first book, Palin has elected to leave the writing to others this time. This book will simply be a collection of readings that have inspired the educationally challenged reality television series host. As HarperCollins puts it, the book will include…

“the nation’s founding documents, to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies.” (Favorite songs? Do you think she might include any of the Lynnrockets parodies?).

Seriously, would Sarah Palin ever dare to honestly reveal to the world the readings, sermons, songs and movies that inspired her? For example, will she tell us about the sermon that inspired her to have the witches driven from her body in that Youtube clip that everyone has seen? Will she reveal that the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off inspired her to skip so many classes that it took her over 6 years to earn a mere bachelor’s degree from a series of second rate colleges? Will she actually admit that she was inspired by the little known book, Sarah, Plain and Stupid? Will she explain how the “founding fathers” of the secessionist Alaska Independence Party (the AIP) inspired her to promote the party when she was Governor (and inspired “First Dude” Todd to actually register with the Party)? Would she ever dare to fess-up to the fact that her post-governorship career was inspired by the song, “Barbie Girl” (if you are not familiar with this song, click here)?

Who knows what the 2009 “Liar of the Year” will include in her new tome. Stay tuned for its release on November 23rd as Sarah Palin is sure to put the Bible in bibliotheque. Until then, please enjoy today’s topical song parody.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwap79uy1G8

PAPERBACK WRITER

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Rush and Coulter, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write in my Wasilla home
It’s based on the life of a political hack
And I take a few shots at  Johnny Mac as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
It was edited by Todd the school drop-out,
He can’t read too well but he loves me as a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that Bristol once told
It’s a real page turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

My new book will appeal to those on the right
And everyone that is straight, racist and white.
Bill O’Reilly will love it, please have no fear,
I sure needed a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Sarah Palin’s Year Of Unfortunate Events

Palin describes her last 12 months to students at the Wasilla School For The Deaf.

Palin describes her last 12 months to students at the Wasilla School For The Deaf.

For those of us not lucky enough to be from the Great State of Alaska, it is hard to imagine that prior to last year, we had no idea who Sarah Palin was. It now seems that not a day can go by without the subject of Caribou Barbie popping up on television, radio or in print media. She is both cheered and jeered, but not in equal amounts. She has a small but loyal following of uneducated, religiously intolerant, white, racist homophobes that dote over every one of her incoherent Twitter tweets. Those out-of-touch fanatics however, are vastly outnumbered by the scores of civilized Americans that view her as an imbecilic light-weight worthy only of the status of  the target of comedic barbs. Nonetheless, Sarah Palin’s trajectory over the last year has been like that of a shooting star: attention grabbing but short lived prior to burning out.

Indeed, the last twelve months have not been kind to the quitting ex-governor of Alaska. Shall we take an itemized look at some of the unfortunate events that have engulfed Sarah Palin over that period?

- She was revealed by Republican Presidential nominee, John McCain to be his running-mate. The American population responded with a resounding, “Who?”;

- It was revealed that the pedigree of her educational background consisted of attending 5 different mediocre colleges in 6 years before managing to attain only a bachelors dgree;

- It was discovered that the “family values”, “abstinence only”, evangelical christian politician had been impregnated prior to her marriage to the “First Dude.”

- It had been discovered that the “family values”, “abstinence only”, evangelical christian mother had an unwed pregnant teenaged daughter;

- She had those disastrous unscripted televised interviews with Charles Gibson and Katie Couric in which she could not name a single newspaper, magazine or periodical that she reads and failed to be able to name any Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade;

- She could not accurately describe to a fifth grader the role of the Vice President of the United States;

- She was mercilessly lampooned by television comics, the most notable being Tina Fey;

- It was revealed that the “Country First” Sarah Palin’s spouse had been a card carrying member of the Alaskan Independence Party (AIP) who’s main agenda is to have the state secede from the United States;

- It was revealed that Sarah Palin, in her capacity as Governor of Alaska, had possibly attended AIP conventions and definitely provided official videotaped supportive messages to at least one of their conventions;

- Her sister-in=law and the mother-in-law to be of her pregnant daughter were both arrested;

- It was revealed that she actually said, “Thanks” before saying, “Thanks, but no thanks” regarding that “bridge to nowhere”;

- Subsequent to learning that Palin unsuccessfully tried to pressure Alaska Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan to fire her own brother-in-law (Mike Wooten), the Branchflower investigative report stated, “that Palin abused her power as governor and violated the state’s Executive Branch Ethics Act when her office pressured Monegan to fire Wooten.” The report also stated that “Governor Palin knowingly permitted a situation to continue where impermissible pressure was placed on several subordinates to advance a personal agenda, to wit: to get Trooper Michael Wooten fired.” The report also said that Palin “permitted Todd Palin to use the Governor’s office [...] to continue to contact subordinate state employees in an effort to find some way to get Trooper Wooten fired.” from the state police;

- She uttered political hate speech by repeatedly claiming at political rallies that Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama had been “palling around with terrorists”;

- John McCain and she were soundly defeated in the 2008 Presidential election;

- It was revealed that she accepted over $ 150,000.00 dollars worth of clothing for herself and her family from the Republican National Committee at a time when most working class Americans were suffering through an economic recession;

- She was found to have breached ethics and tax rules for failing to report as income, certain unreimbursed travel expenses and per diem housing allowances while acting as Governor of Alaska;

- With more than two years remaining in her term, she quit the office of Governor of Alaska;

- Despite her degree in journalism, she elected to have her memoir written by a ghost-writer;

- While opposing health care reform legislation, she fictitiously claimed that the reform would contain “death panels” to shorten the lives of senior citizens; and

- Her husband, Todd quit his job with oil giant British Petroleum.

And that my friends (as John McCain would say) is only a partial list of the series of unfortunate events that have surrounded Sarah Palin in the last year. Will there be more in the upcoming year? “Ya Betcha !!!”

Before proceeding to today’s song parody, please take a little time to enjoy the following video clip of actor William Shatner reading, verbatim, Sarah Palin’s resignation speech from last July.

If you enjoyed William Shatner in the video clip, you will also enjoy him performing his rendition of the song, It Was A Very Good Year which is today’s song parody. Please enjoy.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link to familiarize yourselves with Shatner’s rendition of this tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

It Was A Very Good Year song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0GAjK64VZg

IT WAS A VERY BAD YEAR

(sung to the William Shatner version of the song “It Was A Very Good Year”)

When she was seventeen
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for this small town girl
That was not too bright
With pageant queen height
A sight to be seen
When she was seventeen

When she was twenty-four
It was a not so good year
It was a not so good year for this pretty girl
She was now a pair
In maternity wear
No wedding décor
When she was twenty-four

When she was forty-five
It was a hell of a year
It was a hell of a year for this rejected girl
Who made so many scenes
And had a pregnant teen
Her future hope died
When she was forty-five

But now her days are short
Cuz it has been a very bad year
And now Sarah Palin’s life is one big whine
She’s hit the dregs
Been knocked down a few pegs
She’s the target of jeer
She’s had a very bad year.

Sarah Palin A.I.P. (It’s Easy As 1-2-3)

palin-aip-muck

The bad-news cycle has come full circle again and Sarah Palin is back in the spotlight. CBS News has released a set of email communications from last Fall between then, Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin and McCain chief strategist, Steve Schmidt. At the time, a story was circulating about husband Todd Palin’s membership in the Alaskan Independence Party (hereinafter, “A.I.P.”), a political party with the objective of having the State of Alaska secede from the United States (a treasonous act, mind you). Todd Palin was a card carrying member of the party from 1995 through 2002 and Sarah Palin, in her capacity as Governor of Alaska, gave a welcoming speech to the party’s 2008 convention.

Sarah was having a difficult time portraying Barack Obama as one who “pals around with terrorists” when it began to appear that her husband and maybe even she “were palling around with” a group of treasonists. Consequently, she contacted Schmidt at McCain headquarters and demanded that he quelch the matter by means of a press release. Schmidt refused beacause he did not feel that the story had any real legs at the time and that the press release may focus unwanted attention on the delicate subject.

Palin, as usual, however persisted and said the following in her next email to Schmidt:

“That’s not part of their platform and he was only a ‘member’ bc independent alaskans too often check that ‘Alaska Independent’ box on voter registrations thinking it just means non partisan,” Palin wrote. “He caught his error when changing our address and checked the right box. I still want it fixed.” http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/07/01/politics/main5128672.shtml

Problem is, she was lying and Schmidt knew it. In truth, the box that Alaskans have the option of checking when registering to vote states the full name of the party, “Alaskan Independence Party,” not “Alaska Independent.” Hence, it is most unlikely that an Alaskan would check that box if he/she wanted to register as, “independent” (unless of course, that person was stupid and then continued his membership for another 7 years). Additionally, her claim that the A.I.P. did not include secession as part of its platform is false. As Schmidt replied to her:

“Secession,” he wrote. “It is their entire reason for existence. A cursory examination of the website shows that the party exists for the purpose of seceding from the union. That is the stated goal on the front page of the web site. Our records indicate that todd was a member for seven years. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/07/01/politics/main5128672.shtml

Poor Sarah, she can’t help herself. She was born with a silver high heeled shoe in her mouth.

In light of Michael Jackson’s recent demise, we here at Lynnrockets Blast-Off thought it only fitting to use a Jackson 5 song as our parody of the day.

Please remember to click on the song link below to have more fun singing along.

ABC song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaE3m6gY1Vw&feature=related

A.I.P.

(sung to the Jackson 5 song “A.B.C.”)

Todd hooked-up with this Party
As a member seven years or more…

It was the A.I.P. for Toddie P….

Secessionists to the core
When word got out to the street, too…

Street too, street too

You got out of, there…
Got out of

Poor Sarah frowned, took some heat
If this story gets out, election defeat

(chorus)

A.I.P.
Easy as …
R.I.P.
Secessionists
Todd’s Party
A.I.P., calling me, Sarah, you and me girl!
A.I.P.
Easy as …

R.I.P.
Secessionists
Todd’s Party
A.I.P., calling me, Sarah, you and me girl!

Come on Sarah Palin, make the First Dude quit!
Come on Barracuda, he’s an idiot!
Your big lipstick smile has turned into a pout!
Moron, moron, moron
The secessionists are all about!

A union of co-equal states
Is the basis of this great country

That’s something you’re not proud of every day, fool

Patriotism’s incomplete
C-C-C-Creatures from a side show

Side show, side show

Want to separate!

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

We need you
In our zoo
Listen to me Sarah, you’ll love it, also too

A.I.P.
Easy as …
R.I.P.
Secessionists
Todd’s Party
A.I.P., calling me, Sarah, you and me girl!
A.I.P.
Easy as …

R.I.P.
Secessionists
Todd’s Party
A.I.P., calling me, Sarah, you and me girl!

Come round, girl!
Todd really loves you!
No!
Shut up, girl!
You’re a bad interview

Fake it, fake it, Palin, join us now!
Fake it, fake it, Palin, ooo oooh!
Fake it, fake it, Palin, huh
A.I.P., Sarah, oo ooh!
A.I.P., Sarah, nah, nah!
A.I.P., Sarah, huh!
Secessionists you and me

A.I.P., it’s sleazy

Soon they’ll be R.I.P.
We’ll be rid of Sarah P.
We hope it’s soon as can be
Alaskans will then be free
She’ll be a bad memory!

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