Category Archives: Todd Palin

Newsweek’s Todd “First Dude” Palin Fluff Piece

Last week Newsweek magazine released a fluff piece about Sarah Palin’s husband titled “The Model Political Spouse – Todd Palin Can Handle Another Campaign. Friends Hope He Won’t Have To Prove It.” The article was so lacking in substance that it would have been more fitting in People or US Weekly.

The author, Zev Chafets, provided approximately one and a half pages of a description of a lunch and visit with Todd Palin’s father, Jim Palin. The only thing we learned about the senior Palin was that he had never eaten calamri, he is retired, and he does not like to discuss daughter-in-law Sarah Palin’s political career. The only noteworthy tidbit gleamed from the author’s visit with Jim Palin was that the the former ex-quitting half-term governor’s household yard looks the way we would expect it to look. He wrote, “The Palins’ yard is strewn with five snowmobiles, half a dozen dusty trucks, several small aluminum boats, a couple of airplane floats, a trampoline, and a little plastic basketball hoop. ” Did we really expect anything different from the Wasilla Hillbillies?

The article also contained brief portions of the author’s conversation with one of Todd’s friends. Martin Buser the Iditarod racer hopes that, for Todd’s sake, Sarah palin does not seek the Republican nomination for president. Buser said, “He’s secure enough to have a successful woman; he’d be fine with the limelight Sarah would get as president. But would he suffer, shut up indoors at the White House? Absolutely he would.” Sort of like describing how a koala bear loses it s essence for life while being caged-up at the zoo. Buser went on to describe the type of individuals that impress Todd. He said, “We met a lot of important people, but it takes somebody real accomplished to impress a guy like Todd, an athlete at the top of his game who has won so often on his own terms.” Apparently in Buser’s opinion only accomplished athletes impress Todd. Forget about great intellects or those those folks folks who have bettered the world with great humanitarian accomplishments. Jeesh, with friends like Martin Buser, does Todd need any enemies?

Chafets’ article was most disappointing however,  for its failure to critique Todd Palin in any meaningful way. For instance, there was no mention of the fact that for 7 years (1995-2002) Palin was registered as a member of the Alaskan Independence Party which has a goal of having the state of Alaska secede from the United States of America. The article also failed to mention that on October 10, 2008, Todd Palin was cited in special investigator Stephen Branchflower’s report to the Alaskan Legislative Council. One of Branchflower’s four main findings was that Governor Sarah Palin violated Alaska’s Ethics Act when she “wrongfully permitted Todd Palin to use the governor’s office…to continue to contact subordinate state employees in an effort to find some way to get her former brother-in-law, State Trooper Mike Wooten fired.” Finally, why no mention of the published reports that Todd was a frequent recipient of massages and possibly more from an Alaskan prostitute?

You would think after reading this fluff piece that Newsweek magazine was actually a Todd “First Dude” Palin fanzine.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more singing along with today’s topical, song parody. Please enjoy!

“Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town” song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeAbgBPP_N4&feature=related

FIRST DUDE, DON’T TAKE YOUR LOVE TO TOWN

 (sung to the Kenny Rogers song “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town”)

You’ve pulled on your mukluks
And combed and gelled your graying hair
First Dude are you contemplating
Leaving Mama Bear
I bought that blow-up doll
For you so you could fool around
Oh First Dude
Don’t take your love to town

Oh was it me
Who drove you to that massage table whore?
While I was making dough
Talking ‘bout patriotic wars
And yes, it’s true that
I’m not the wife I used to be
Oh, First Dude, you still know I’m “mavericky”

It’s hard to love a wife
Who breeds dissent and always lies
But the wants and the needs of a woman my age
Just cannot be denied
And it won’t be long I’ve heard them say until I’m not around
Oh First Dude
Don’t take your love to town

Todd’s leaving now cause
I just heard the slamming of the door
But frankly I don’t give a damn
If he’s on a sex tour
Still I just might move to get my gun
And put him in the ground
Oh First Dude
Don’t take your love to town

Oh First Dude
For my sake turn around

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Lynnrockets’ Political Oscar Night Recap

John Boehner thanks the Academy

What with all the attention focused on Hollywood last night, you might not have noticed that the City of Boston held the 235th annual Political Oscars. The storied event was held on the U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) in Boston Harbor so that the Tea Partiers in the audience would feel at home. Prior to the ceremony, the nominees were paraded along the famous Freedom Trail past such historic sites as America’s first voucher-less public school, Paul Revere’s home, the site of the Boston Massacre and the Bunker Hill Monument. As they boarded Old Ironsides, they were pelted with tea-bags before they took their seats on the poop-deck. The event was not widely seen on television because all of America’s lamestream media networks were covering the “other” more popular pageant in LA. Thankfully, Al Jazeera did cover the event.

And the winners were…

Best Female Violent Rhetoric: Failed Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron “2nd Amendment Remedies” Angle

– Runner-up: Reality TV host Sarah Palin – “It’s time to reload”

Best Male Violent Rhetoric: Fox News host and self-described “rodeo clown” Glenn Beck who said, “I want to kill Charlie Rangel with a shovel”

– Runner-up: Failed Arizona Republican Congressional candidate Jesse Kelly who, while running against Gabrielle Giffords, held a fund-raising event that was advertised as “Help remove Gabrielle Giffords from office. Shoot a fully automatic M16 with Jesse Kelly”

Best Female Fictitious Memoir: Reality TV host Sarah Palin for her “America By Heart” wherein the self-professed founding fathers-lover wrote, on page 189,  about the opinions of Founding Father John Adams, including his famous quotation, “we have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion.”   Her mistake is not in her analysis of the importance of faith to John Adams.  No, her error came in claiming that he had been a “leading participant at the Constitutional Convention.” The reality is that John Adams did not participate in the Constitutional Convention. He was Ambassador to Great Britain at the time.

– Runner-up: Condoleeza Rice’s “Extraordinary, Ordinary People” because it fails to mention a single thing about the run-up to the invasion of iraq.

Best Male Fictitious Memoir: George W. Bush who quoted in “Decision Points”, Gerhard Schröder (then German Chancellor),  as having said of the run-up to the Iraq invasion, “What is true of Afghanistan is true of Iraq. Nations that sponsor terror must face consequences. If you make it fast and make it decisive, I will be with you.” Bush then wrote, “I took that as a statement of support. But when the German election arrived later that year, Schröder had a different take. He denounced the possibility of force against Iraq.” Schröder however has had this to say about Bush, “Just as I did during my subsequent meetings with the American president, I made it clear that, should Iraq … prove to have provided protection and hospitality to al-Qaida fighters, Germany would reliably stand beside the US. This connection, however, as it became clear during 2002, was false and constructed.”

– Runner-up: Donald Rumsfeld’s “Known and Unknown” in which he wrote, “Powell was not duped or misled by anybody. Nor did he lie about Saddam’s suspected WMD stockpiles. The president did not lie. The vice president did not lie. (CIA Director George) Tenet did not lie. Rice did not lie. I did not lie. . . . The far less dramatic truth is that we were wrong.” ‘Nuff said.

Best Republican Propaganist (TV): Fox News

Best Republican Propagandist (Radio): Rush Limbaugh

Best Tan: Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner (pronounced “boner”)

– Runner-up: President Barack Obama

Most Creepy Sex Scandal: Todd “First Dude” Palin for having sex with the same prostitute that wife Sarah Palin frequented for massages

– Runner-up: Former married GOP Rep. Chris Lee from New York for posting an eerie shirtless Craigslist ad allegedly searching for both female and transsexual sex partners

Biggest Lie Of The Year 2010: PolitiFact editors and reporters have chosen “government takeover of health care” as the 2010 Lie of the Year. Said Jonathan Oberlander, a professor of health policy at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill:  “The label ‘government takeover” has no basis in reality, but instead reflects a political dynamic where conservatives label any increase in government authority in health care as a ‘takeover.’ ”

– Runner-up: Moonbat-crazy Teapublican Rep. Michele Bachmann’s (MN) claim that Obama was going to spend $200 million a day on a trip to India.

Most Racist State: Arizona, for its unconstitutional “Show me your papers” law

State Which Spends Least Per Pupil On Education: Arizona

Highest Profile Employer of Illegal Immigrants: Failed GOP gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman of California

– Runner-up: Failed GOP presidential candidate Mitt(wit) Romney of Massachusetts

Most Chaste Politician: Failed GOP senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell of Delaware who does not masturbate

– First runner-up: Former ex-quitting half-term Republican governor of Alaska Sarah Palin who’s husband allegedly gets his action from her masseuse

– Second Runner-up: Bristol Palin, the former unwed pregnant teen and single mother who now preaches abstinence

Most Unlikely Presidential Candidate: Republican Donald Trump who would lead this nation out of the worst economic downturn since the great depression with the knowledge and skill he acquired after having filed for bankruptcy on at least four occasions

– Runner-up: Sarah Palin, who said on her failed un-reality television program that she’d rather be in Alaska “than in some stuffy old political office.”

It was a truly memorable night and after all the awards were handed out, the winners and runner-ups all accompanied Master of Ceremonies Charley Sheen down to Boston’s notorious red-light district “The Combat Zone” for more fun and frolic!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

God Bless The U.S.A. song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E

PROUD TO BE A REPUBLICAN

(sung to the Lee Greenwood song “God Bless The U.S.A.”)

If tomorrow all my brains were gone
And I was just plant life
With a feeding tube shoved in
Against the wishes of my wife
I’d thank my lucky stars the G.O.P. had their way
And curtailed my family’s freedom
Made them watch me waste away

Boy, I’m proud to be a Republican
Like Huckabee and Romney
And I won’t forget Glenn Beck who cried
Right there on Fox TV
Cuz they’ll gladly stand up next to you
And berate your union pay
I just love those hate filled flames they fan
They hate the U.S.A.

Bachmann hates in Minnesota
Alaska has Sarah P.
Rick Perry down in Texas
They’re in the Tea Party
Not Detroit nor in Boston
Too liberal, black and gay
There’s no soul in any Republican heart
And they love it just that way

Yes, I’m proud to be a Republican
Just like Rush and Hannity
And I love the facts they do deny
Right there on Fox TV
And I’ll gladly stand up next to you
And castigate Tina Fey
Cuz I never doubt those Red State men
No matter what they say

Oh, I’m proud to be a Republican
As I sit here sipping tea
Palin’s “death panels” can’t be denied
They say on Fox TV
Sarah sends a Twitter –  text to you
Six or seven times a day
It’s Republicans that love this land
In our per-ver-ted way!

Sarah Palin: Spudnuts, Hookers, Masturbation And A Whole Lotta Stupid

See No Future, Hear No Future, Speak No Future

I think that we can feel confident in saying that Sarah Palin has jumped the shark. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “jump the shark” is generally defined as the point in time when a once popular person or thing begins to lose popularity and, in an attempt to regain its former status, veers off course and into the absurd never to recover again. The term originated during a 1977 episode of the once famously popular television sitcom, Happy Days. In that episode, the oh, so cool Fonzie, while water skiing (clad in leather motorcycle jacket and swim trunks) in California, performed a daredevil jump over a confined shark. Critics now refer to that moment as the single point in time when Happy Days hit rock bottom and never recovered. In other words, that was the moment in time when the show “jumped the shark.” Get it?

For those of you that still do not “get it”, let’s go to the tape shall we?

Ok, are we all on board now? Good. Let’s carry on.

Sarah Palin, the once popular Tea Party icon jumped the shark on January 8, 2011 when Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and 19 others were gunned down by a lunatic who was resorting to his “2nd Amendment remedies”. The previous March, Palin unveiled a very ill-conceived political ad which identified Ms. Giffords by name and placed a sniper-sight symbol over her congressional district. Palin’s ad proved to be eerily predictive of the Tucson massacre.

As the result of her ad and the ultimate shooting, Palin would now be linked to this brutally violent and senseless act forever. Her popularity began to sink. Her attempts at rehabilitating her image via a self-produced video statement (now known as the “I Was The Real Victim Of The Tucson Massacre” speech) and multiple softball interviews on Fox News (where else?) proved unsuccessful. Immediately after the failed rehab effort, all things Palin veered off course and into the absurd.

First she was snubbed by her very own Tea Party when moonbat-crazy Teapublican Michele Bachmann was selected to provide the official Tea Bagger response to President Obama’s State of the Union Address. Not to be out-shined by the emerging Bachmann star, Palin ran to good friend Greta Van Susteren over at Fox News (where else?) to provide her own SOTU retort. Needless to say, it was a doozy. She reinforced the emerging public opinion that, as Karl Rove said, “she lacks the gravitas” to be President when she resorted to the tasteless street lingo of “WTF” when referring to Obama’s oft repeated “Winning the Future” phrase. She then showed that she completely missed the President’s point that Americans should seize the opportunity to expand into the new fields of “green” industry so as to beat foreign nations to the punch when he called this a “sputnik moment”. She also proved (once again) that she has no grasp of history when she claimed that the Soviet sputnik mission drove the country into bankruptcy and subsequent collapse. That was a true “WTF” moment for Alsaka’s “space case”.

More absurdity came when Palin then segwayed into saying that what America needs is a “spudnut” moment. The former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska was referring to a wildly successful donut shop in Washington state known as The Spudnut Shop. It goes without saying (but we will say it anyway) that the owners are friends of the Palin family. She implied that America must concentrate on small business development through less government taxation and regulation. Her analogy was well off base however, because despite what Palin considers to be an environment of far too much taxation and regulation, The Spudnut Shop is prospering. Apparently those taxes and regulation are not impeding the success of The Spudnut shop in the least. Another “WTF” moment for the Queen of Quit.

Next up, we had the National Enquirer breaking the story that Todd Palin was cheating on Sarah with an Alaskan masseuse/prostitute. Of course Sarah took to the Fox airwaves yet again to say that the Anchorage (AK) police have confirmed that no evidence exists which would implicate Todd in the involvement with a prostitution ring. But that is not the point. Nobody reported that her husband was involved in a prostitution ring. It was reported that Todd cheated on Sarah with a woman who happens to be a prostitute. This is a subtle yet very important difference.

Finally, there is the Tracy Morgan episode. The “30 Rock Star” stunned viewers when he appeared on the TNT Network‘s “Inside The NBA” broadcast on Thursday and made lewd remarks about Sarah Palin. Host Charles Barkley asked the funnyman, “Sarah Palin’s good looking, isn’t she?” prompting Morgan to reply, “Now let me tell you something about Sarah Palin man, she’s good masturbation material. The glasses and all that? Great masturbation material.” Morgan’s words are indefensible but they highlight the perception that Sarah Palin is no longer scene as a serious player in the political world. At least in one person’s opinion she has been reduced to a mere object of ridicule.

Lynnrockets’ proclaims that Sarah Palin has jumped the shark!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Happy Days TV theme song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rqppEj4Dus

Palin Days

(sung to the TV theme of “Happy Days”)

Sunday, Monday, Palin days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Palin days.
Thursday, Friday, Palin days.
The weekend’s here, that “Bridge to Nowhere”,
“Thanks But Not Thanks” to you.

She prays for hours. To be Big P.
She prays for hours. With the A.I.P.

Hello, “Joe Sixpack” she loves you, “Joe the Plumber” is her type too.
She did it with Todd, she did it with John. she feels like a “pig with lipstick” on!

Sunday, Monday, Palin days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Palin days.
Thursday, Friday, Palin days.
Saturday, Oh, Tina Fey,
I’ve been dreamin’ all week of you.

She prays for hours. “Caribou Barbie”.
She prays for hours. Who’ll tea-bag me?.

These Palin days, she did resign
These Palin days, she’s a punch-line, Palin days.

All Things Palin Are In Decline

Oh, where do we begin? Things have been going so poorly for the Palin clan of late that it is difficult to find a suitable starting point to chronicle all of their misfortune and bad publicity.

Sarah Palin appeared to be at the apex of her popularity sometime during the summer months of 2010. She was at the forefront of the Tea Party ascension as she bestowed endorsements like blessings upon a plethora of “Mama Grizzlies” in anticipation of the mid-term elections. By the end of the summer, she was all the rage as her very own reality television series was being endlessly promoted. The Queen of Quit was also teasing everyone with the possibility that she might run for President in 2012. Her guest host appearances on Fox News (where else) were increasing. Soon thereafter, daughter Bristol also, too was appearing in a reality television series known as “Dancing With The Stars”. Let’s face it folks, in the latter half of 2010 it was “all Palins, all the time.”

Suddenly however, Palin power and influence took a turn for the worse. Most of Sarah’s  more prominent and controversial “Mama Grizzlies” such as Christine “Witchy Woman” O’Donnell, Sharron “2nd Amendment Remedies” Angle, Linda “Women Are Sex Objects” McMahon, Carly “Worst CEO in History” Fiorina and Meg “Illegal Housekeeper” Whitman lost in the mid-term general elections. Her more prominent and controversial male “Papa Grizzlies” such as John “Lasers In The Sky” Raese, Tom “Bomb Mecca” Tancredo, Ken “No Abortion For Rape Victims” Buck and Dino “Repeal Wall Street Reform” Rossi also lost. Perhaps the biggest blow to Palin however, was that she could not influence the voters of her home state of Alaska to vote for Joe “Dump Social Security” Miller. He lost to a write in candidate of all things. In short, the nation’s voters “refudiated” Sarah Palin.

After the mid-term elections, Sarah Palin began to suffer a steady decline in national polls. The one-time “most popular Governor” began to witness her “approval” numbers drop more quickly than the snow in Alaska. Indeed, as of January 19, 2011 her approval rating descended to an all-time low of 19% according to a CBS/New York Times poll of registered voters.

Worse yet, prominent members of her own Republican Party began to publicly criticize her. Karl Rove stated that Palin lacked the “gravitas” to be President. Newt Gingrich said, “she keeps lowering the bar for herself.” Former First Lady Barbara Bush said she hopes Palin stays in Alaska. Her very first “Baby Grizzly”, Senator Scott Brown (D-MA) said he would not vote for her for president. Even co-worker Mort Kondracke over at uber-friendly Fox News said, “She’s a joke even within her own party. The idea that she would be the presidential nominee is unthinkable.”

In the meantime, Bristol Palin got caught up in a controversy of her own. It was alleged by many that despite the fact that she lacked the dancing skills of many other contestants on DWTS, she continued to survive only because of Palinbot robo-voting. Of course Bristol ultimately lost.

Palin popularity took its worst hit on January 8, 2011 when Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and several others were gunned down in Tucson, Arizona when a deranged lunatic exercised his “2nd Amendment remedies.” The previous March Sarah Palin used a sniper-sight symbol-laden ad which targeted Giffords’ district and  identified Giffords by name on what is now universally considered to be an ill-conceived campaign prop. It was obvious that Palin would now be linked (fairly or unfairly) to that tragedy forever. She made things worse when she attempted to rehabilitate her image via a self-produced video which is now known as her “I Was The Real Victim Of The Tucson Massacre” speech. That video resonated so poorly with Americans that Fox News‘ Sean Hannity unsuccessfully attempted to have Palin talk her way out of it on his program a few nights thereafter.

The Palin family’s bad news continues. First Sarah Palin was crushed by potential rival Mitt Romney in a New Hampshire straw poll which was heavily attended by Tea Partiers. Next, it was Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and not Palin (Q-AK) that was selected to provide the official Tea Party response to the President’s State of the Union Address. Then, last week the National Enquirer reported that husband Todd Palin was a frequent recipient of massages and possibly more from an Alaskan prostitute. Daughter Bristol was then invited and then rejected by Washington University in St. Louis to discuss sexual abstinence at an event scheduled for next month. University students were outraged that student union funds were to be paid to a non-college educated unwed pregnant teen in an effort to “teach” college students about abstinence. Sarah Palin then elected to provide her own response to the State of the Union Address, but in an attempt to cleverly mock the President’s “win the future” tagline, she resorted to refer to it by means of her potty-mouthed “WTF” (gee, I wonder what she meant by that) acronym. Once again, she has been roundly criticized for her vocabulary.

Finally, and potentially most damaging of all is the news that Alaska officials must release by May 31, 2011 an estimated 26,500 pages of personal emails exchanged between the former ex-quitting half-term Governor and her aides. The records release comes after nearly three years. The initial request was made by news entities back when Ms. Palin was running for vice president with Arizona U.S. Senator John McCain. The request includes emails between Ms. Palin and her husband, Todd, who was accused of wielding inappropriate governmental powers. MSNBC (the initial plaintiff in the lawsuit which sought the email release) plans to “post the e-mails online in a searchable archive” in effect, WikiLeaking Sarah Palin. It has been alleged and/or hinted by some Alaskan bloggers that the emails may just be the tip of the iceberg which sinks the good ship Palin as well as her dream of a political future.

The year 2011 is not shaping-up well for Team Palin. Will there be more bad news arising? I bet you Rocketeers can guess where this is leading!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.
“Bad Moon Rising” song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iktMZy0CG30

BAD NEWS ARISING

(sung to the Creedence Clearwater Revival song “Bad Moon Rising”)

Palin sees bad news arising
She sees trouble on the way
She will stick to her lyin’
Emails are on the way

Sarah’s in a plight
And it’s bound to cause her strife
There’s some bad news on the rise

Palin’s secrets will be showin’
We know her end is coming soon
Soon all of us will be knowin’
Palin is a disgrace and ruined

Sarah’s in a plight
And it’s bound to cause her strife
There’s some bad news on the rise
Alright!

(email scrubbing break)

We will be thrilled to forget her
Palin will have tears in her eyes
Looks like she’s in for nasty weather
She’ll be exposed by all her lies

Well, Sarah’s in a plight
And it’s bound to cause her strife
There’s some bad news on the rise

Sarah’s in a plight
And it’s bound to cause her strife
There’s some bad news on the rise

Sarah Palin’s Battle Hymn Of The Teapublic

"Gosh darn, I smudged my crib-notes while massaging Todd!"

It has been awfully quiet on the Palin-front since the National Enquirer published its “First Dude In A Kinky Mood” story late last week. To date, there has been no Sarah Palin response to that embarrassing tale. Indeed, all we have heard from the Queen of Quit is that she will be speaking at some Christian school in Texas and we read her possibly ghost-written book-report about the lifeguard days of Ronald Reagan which appeared in The USA Today. Oh yes, we also learned that she was crushed by Mit(wit) Romney in the New Hampshire straw poll. When will the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska emerge from her den to reveal if her shadow will doom us to 6 more weeks of silence? Sarah, come out, come out wherever you are!

Other than “Massage-Gate”, the only entertaining thing to emerge about Sarah Palin in the last week or so is that video of the two crazy Palinistas performing their re-working of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” (see below) which has been drawing a ton of interest on Youtube. You can only work with what material you have, so please enjoy this re-re-working of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” in true Lynnrockets fashion.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Sarah Palin’s Hymn song video: 

SARAH PALIN’S HYMN (LYNNROCKETS’ VERSION)

(sung to the “Battle Hymn Of The Republic”)

She’s a moonbat from Alaska
She has a ten foot fence
She’s not a Harvard lawyer cuz she has no common sense
A jack-ass from the North
For which we can blame Johnnie Mack
Palin and her Tea Party are always on attack

Sarah Palin should be locked up in a trunk
Sarah Palin talks just like a skid-row drunk
Sarah Palin is such an epic fail
And when she reads her palm it’s like a blind girl without Braille

Sarah has the wisdom of a crack-head sidewalk whore
Keeps throwing out “Ya Betchas” in her “Mama Grizzly” roar
She is known to substitute her lies for certain facts
Palin and the Tea Party are just a bunch of hacks

Sarah Palin, her election hopes are sunk
Sarah Palin’s “death panel” lies were debunked
Sarah Palin, she spells just like Dan Quayle
Her dreams of seeing Washington have all now been derailed

Spoken:
Palin’s White House dreams are now nightmares from the past
But Tina Fey and company would have had a blast
Now she’ll ride off with Todd on his brand new Ski-Doo
Sarah’s rosy lips will turn blue and cold
If Palin ever gave us anything,
It was just a great big case of heartburn, Sarah knows.

(Really awkward pause)

Sarah’s now long gone….

Closing Dedication:
“I’d like to dedicate this to Tom Brady and the Patriots!!!”

As Predicted, Bristol Is Next To Flee Sinking S.S. Palin

Those smiles are now fading.

Yesterday, Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off commented upon Thomas Van Flein jumping from the “Good Ship Palin” to work as deputy chief of staff for newly elected Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar. It was noted that Van Flein’s quitting on the “Queen of Quit” was a devastating blow because not only was Van Flein one of only four members of her inner circle, he was also the only Alaskan in that clique. Van Flein realized that the Palin dingy was taking on water as evidenced by so many recent national polls which revealed that Julian Assange (Wikileaks founder) has a better chance of being elected President than Sarah Palin. Before going down with the ship, Van Flein sought the calmer and more temperate waters of Arizona. Today we learned that he was only the first to leave Sarah behind.

In yesterday’s post we speculated that daughter Bristol would be the next rat to flee the distressed Sarah Palin. Guess what? We were correct. The Maricopa Monitor (Arizona) reports today that , “Bristol Palin, the 20-year daughter of former GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has purchased a 5-bedroom home in Maricopa — closing on the nearly 4,000-square-foot dwelling. Palin purchased the house from Michael and Cynthia Smith for $172,000, records show.”

What is it with Palin defectors and the state of Arizona? Could it be that the climate is that much more appealing or is it something else? Is there a Bristol/Van Flein fling that we don’t know about? Probably not, but with the wacky Palin’s, nothing is beyond speculation. Nevertheless, it is certain that Bristol is trying to separate herself from “Mama Grizzly” (can you blame her?). Their relationship is clearly strained. Remember when Sarah publicly made her feelings known about the short-lived Bristol/Levi reunion? Remember when Bristol took pot shots at her mother on “Dancing With The Stars” by choosing songs such as “Mama Told Me Not To Come” and “You Can’t Hurry Love”? It is only a matter of time before one of them writes her own version of “Mommie/Daughter Dearest”. The only question is, who will be the ghostwriter? Neither Sarah nor Bristol is very erudite after all.

Another question is just how will Bristol support herself and baby Tripp now that she has her new crib? It will be an awful long commute to her full time position at that doctor’s office up in Alaska that Sarah once boasted about. Also, that shell of a political consulting business never really found its legs. And, you cannot appear on reality television shows forever. Or can you? Who knows? Let’s wait for the Facebook announcement.

The more pressing question is, who will be the next rat to flee the sinking S.S. Palin? Is our Todd guess still in play. Only the Shadow knows.

Until we learn more, Lynnrockets wishes all of you loyal “Rocketeers” a very Merry Christmas.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s parody.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPAOBN4Pt-Y

HAVE YOURSELF A SARAH PALIN CHRISTMAS

(sung to the Christmas song “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”)

Sarah Palin is far away
She’s out making some cash
This is Sarah Palin’s pay day
Just how long will it last?

Have yourself a Sarah Palin Christmas
Wink and blink your eyes
Leave the bus
And fly your jet up in the skies

Have yourself a Sarah Palin Christmas
Sign books to get paid
Take that dough
From people that you have betrayed

These are not like the olden days
These are golden days for sure
You don’t have to travel by bus
On your marvelous book tour

Come next year
Things will be even better
You’re the cat’s meow
You’ll still have the SarahPAC as your cash cow
So have yourself a Sarah Palin Christmas now

(These are not like the olden days)
(These are golden days for sure)
You don’t have to travel by bus
On your marvelous book tour

Come next year
Things will be even better
You’re the cat’s meow
You’ll still have the SarahPAC as your cash cow
So have yourself a Sarah Palin Christmas now

Things We Learned About The Clampetts, Err Palins From DWTS

Bristol Palin is the Missing Link

Ding dong the witch is dead. We knew it could not go on forever. We knew that at some point Bristol Palin would be dumped from “Dancing With The Stars”. Just the same, we will miss the contestant that was a star only as the result of her status as being a former unwed pregnant teen. Bristol’s presence on the show gave the nation another point of contact with America’s most notorious reality television-based family. And we learned a number of things during her tenure such as…

  1. Sarah Palin is likely to get booed whenever she appears before an audience that has not been hand-picked and stocked full of Tea-Baggers;
  2. Bristol enjoyed publicly embarrassing “Mama Bear” by choosing songs that were thinly veiled insults at Sarah’s parenting skills (or lack thereof) and her unwed teen pregnancy (i.e. “Mama Told Me Not To Come” and “You Can’t Hurry Love”);
  3. Palinbots will game the system and support the Palin family in whatever endeavor they choose to pursue regardless of talent or taste;
  4. Bristol embraced the Palin-denied “Theory of Evolution” when she donned her anthropomorphic gorilla costume;
  5. Sarah Palin’s sex-obsession regarding her children has no limits, as was evidenced by her concern that Bristol might perform a stripper’s “lap dance” on national television;
  6. Bristol does not vote;
  7. Bristol believed that if she won the contest, “it would be like giving the big middle finger to the people that hate her mother” and her;
  8. Sarah thought that husband Todd would have been a better contestant on the show because ballroom dancing is apparently within his “comfort zone” but not Bristol’s; and
  9. Sarah was correct. Bristol cannot dance.

Bristol, we hardly knew ye. But fear not loyal Lynnrockets readers, we still have one Palin related reality show in progress and one more in the production stages. “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” is presently airing on TLC and consequently we will get a weekly dose of her invading the privacy of her neighbors (author/antagonist Joe McGinniss), lying about reading and researching and generally misinforming most Americans about the state of Alaska. Additionally, we can look forward to the insane antics of Levi Johnston as he runs for mayor of Wasilla before our very own television-peeping eyes. Perhaps Sarah will instruct Todd and his buddies to drill another spy hole through her fence so that she can keep track of her once and future son-in-law. Speaking of Track, how long will it be before the prodigal son gets his own reality show?

Stay tuned. Same Rocket channel! Same Rocket time!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Dancing Queen song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y62OlGvC-bk

DANCING QUEEN

(sung to the ABBA song “Dancing Queen”)

She can dance, she’ll connive, someday she’ll be Levi’s wife
(Ooooh)
Scheming girl, pregnant teen, she is the dancing queen

Not too bright and her sights set low
Stepping out just to earn some dough
Where they play right-wing music, sporting her new bling
Let’s pray that she don’t sing

Baby Tripp is right by her side
Sarah Palin mulls suicide
First Dude, he’s sure to lose it. Here comes Palin decline
There’ll be no second chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, seeking green from the cash machine
(Oh yeah)
She’ll enhance her sex drive, and prove that she is pro-life
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen

She’s a teaser, she leads boys on
Never makes them put condoms on
She’s the unwed teen mother soon to make Baby Two
She loves to take a chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, indiscrete on the TV screen
(Oh yeah)
What’s the chance she’ll survive? Should have been gone by Round 5?
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen
Bristol’s the dancing queen

Sunday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 55

Just a few newsworthy events (and comments thereon) that have been making their way through the political universe this past week. Please ponder and maybe chuckle a bit before enjoying a wonderful day!

BREAKING NEWS: Remember Doug Hoffman? Sure you do. He was one of the first Tea-Baggers that Sarah Palin endorsed last year. Palin endorsed him in the special election for New York’s 23rd District congressional race instead of the Republican candidate. As the result of Hoffman’s injection in the race, the Republican vote was split, the Republican candidate Dede Scozzafava dropped out of the race and endorsed Democrat Bill Owens and Owens ran away with a huge victory in the election. Somehow Palin managed to help the Democrats win a seat that they had not held for over 100 years. Well, not to be forgotten, Hoffman decided to throw his hat into the regularly scheduled race for the same seat this year. He has also modeled himself after after Sarah Palin because we learned last Tuesday, that like his BFF, he has quit the race. Sarah Palin sure has a way of rubbing off on Tea-Baggers. Vote Democrat Bill Owens!

THIS JUST IN: This week’s episode of “Damn It, They Caught Me!” features Rand Paul, the moonbat-crazy Tea Party/Republican nominee for a Kentucky U.S. Senate seat. Paul is the guy who disagrees with the 14th Amendment’s prohibition against racial discrimination in privately owned places of public accomodation such as lunch counters and busses. He has also said that Medicaid is a form of “intergenerational warfare”. What he has not admitted to however is that 50% of his medical practice’s income is in the form of Medicare and Medicaid payments. Vote Democrat Jack Conway in Kentucky!

BREAKING NEWS: Sarah Palin let slip Tuesday that Dancing With The Stars wanted her husband, Todd “First Dude” Palin to be a contestant – but she didn’t say if he was sought out instead of her daughter Bristol, who is currently appearing on the show and narrowly advanced to the fourth week of competition. “They wanted Todd to be on the show,” Palin remarked during a speaking appearance in Houston. “I think that would have been cool to see, too. But here Bristol is, out of her comfort zone, doing something all new.” Is Sarah implying that ballroom dancing is within Todd’s “comfort zone”? Please Sarah, tell us more.

THIS JUST IN: This week’s episode of “Out-Foxed” stars, you guessed it, Fox News. The unfair and unbalanced news network was embarrassed last week when it falsely reported that the Los Angeles police purchased 10,000 jet-packs at a cost of $ 100,000.00 each to patrol the city’s streets. Fox’s crack mathematics team was apparently unable to figure out the total price of the fictitious purchase would have been well out of reach for the city in that it equaled ONE BILLION DOLLARS! Need we even mention that Fox picked up the story from the crazy tabloid newspaper known as The World Daily News and ran with it without a fact check? We didn’t think so.

BREAKING NEWS: Joe Miller, the moon-bat, crazy Sarah Palin endorsed Tea Party/Republican nominee for one of Alaska’s U.S. Senate seats has proclaimed that he believes that unemployment benefits are unconstitutional. He has not however, stated whether his wife is unconstitutional inasmuch as it was revealed last week that she actually accepted unemployment benefits after having worked as her husband’s clerk in 2002 when he was a federal magistrate. Just another case of Tea Party/Republican “do as I say, not as I do”. Vote Democrat Scott McAdams!

THIS JUST IN: A new poll indicates that the Democrats have double digit leads in all three races at the top of the ballot in New York this year. According to a CNN/Time/Opinion Research Corporation survey released Wednesday, New York State Attorney General and Democratic gubernatorial nominee Andrew Cuomo holds a 14 point advantage over Republican nominee Carl Paladino, a Buffalo businessman and developer. According to the survey, New York’s two incumbent Democratic senators are leading their Republican challengers by double digits. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand tops Joseph DioGuardi, her GOP opponent, 55 to 41 percent among likely voters, and Sen. Chuck Schumer leads his little known GOP challenger Jay Townsend 57 to 41 percent. Go Democrats!

BREAKING NEWS: This week’s episode of “Whack-Jobs Flying Under The Radar” features former Pennsylvania Senator Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum. The chairman of the National Man-Dog Love Association (NAMDLA) has formed a political action committee in Iowa. The forming of a PAC is one indication that a person is testing the waters for a future candidacy. Could it be for President? Let’s hope so, because the Republican primary needs all the crazies it can get.

THIS JUST IN: In the category of “Sometimes These Things Just Write Themselves“, we have Tea Party/Republican candidate for U.S. Senator from Delaware, Christine “Black Magic Woman” O’Donnell. The New York Times revealed last week that the evolution-denying candidate’s father had a television role playing Bozo the Clown. All we can say is, if nothing else, Christine sure has some big shoes to fill!

BREAKING NEWS: This week’s episode of “Let’s Watch Rand Paul Lie” features who else but Rand Paul the lying Tea Party/Republican candidate for a Kentucky U.S. Senate seat. let’s go directly to Paul’s most recent campaign ad and then his Democratic opponent, Jack Conway‘s response ad. This is a real doozy.

 

GO PACKERS!!!

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

A Day In The Life song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di7fKh3Vbj8&feature=related

A DAY IN THE LIFE (OF THE G.O.P.)

(sung to the Beatles song “A Day In The Life”)

I read the news today oh, boy
About a senator who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh
Is there a photograph?
John Ensign’s tryst will leave a scar
A “family values” guy who’s values changed
His dirty laundry will be aired
We’ve seen his kind before
In hypocrisy the G.O.P. wins all of the awards

I watched the news today oh, boy
Seems David Vitter spent time with a whore
It was a girl so he’s not gay
But here’s the funny hook
It’s all in her book
He’d love to make her gone

Horned up and out of bed
Larry Craig needed some head
Went to the airport to find a pup
Things looking up, he thought he found some bait
Found a leg to give a pat
Caught a bust in seconds flat
Gave a poor excuse when the news broke
Just another joke in the dirty G.O.P.
Ah, ah,ah, ah, ah, ah ,ah ……….

I read the news today oh, boy
The Sunshine State’s Mark Foley is a queer
These guys spew hate but have no balls
The party’s sure to fall
Hypocritical A-holes heading straight into a wall
They’d love to turn you on

Thin-Skinned Palin To Run For POTUS?

First of all, Lynnrockets would like to give credit where credit is due for the content of this post. One of the best Alaska blogs in the entire blogosphere, The Mudflats, broke a story yesterday afternoon which hints that an email sent by Todd “Former First Dude” Palin may suggest that Sarah “Queen of Quit” Palin is considering a run for the office of President of the United States.

So as not to steal any thunder from The Mudflats, please read the entire juicy story there. We will simply provide a brief historical background of Todd’s email and a few select quotes therefrom as a set-up for today’s song parody. So, hang on to your seats, as away we go…

You will all remember that Sarah Palin (while wearing her crown as de-facto Queen of the Tea-Baggers) endorsed a very unknown Tea Party candidate named Joe Miller in the Alaskan Republican Senate primary race against heavily favored incumbent Republican Senator (and Palin antagonist) Lisa Murkowski. Well, against all odds, Miller won the primary election and consequently, he is now one of the Tea Party darlings of Fox News. That however, is how a lot of trouble began brewing between Miller and Palin.

You see, the love between Palin and Miller is not mutual. Despite the fact that Palin’s endorsement of Miller was highly instrumental in his primary election victory, Miller will not return the favor by expressing his support of her in a potential White House run. We know this because Miller appeared on Fox News (where else, right?) and when asked if he thought Palin was qualified to be President, he meekly responded only that, “there are a number of great candidates out there.” Not exactly a full fledged endorsement by any stretch of the imagination.

Now this is where the fun begins. Shortly after the Fox News interview was aired, Todd Palin sent an email to the SarahPAC Treasurer (and a bunch of people you can learn more about in the Mudflats post) instructing him to

“Hold off on any letter for Joe. Sarah put her ass on the line for Joe and yet he can’t answer a simple question ‘Is Sarah Palin Qualified to be President’. I DON’T KNOW IF SHE IS.”

Todd then addressed Miller directly in the same email and asked,

“Joe, please explain how this endorsement stuff works, is it to be completely one sided.”

Just what was Todd implying when he asked if “endorsement(s)” were to be “completely one sided”? Was he implying that Sarah Palin was seeking a mutual endorsement from Miller? If so, then for what purpose? Is she planning on running for President? Please do tell, Sarah. Enquiring minds want to know.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Born To Run song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxuThNgl3YA

BORN TO RUN

(sung to the Bruce Springsteen song “Born To Run”)

In the day she sweats it out on the streets, she’s a runner-up beauty pageant queen
At night she tears her hair out in worry atop Todd’s snow-machine
Hate filled rages at the five and dime
High heeled, misdirected and sporting a sixties beehive, Whoa
Wasilla town hopes she never comes back
She’s a dumb quack, a political hack
Sarah speaketh with a forked tongue
But tramps like her, baby they were born to run
(yes she will run)

Sarah’s got thin skin but she’ll run again
She can’t find work on television
SarahPAC will cater to her whims
Their dedicated to her mission
Together they will dish out crap
She’ll run till she drops, maybe from a heart attack, Whoa
All her friends, she’ll continue to hire
‘cause baby she wants to be the next “Decider”
But her wagon has lost all its wheels
She behaves like a little child girl, a pitbull refusing to heel
(full of baloney)

(instrumental interlude)

She’s filled with malice right down to the bones buried in her backyard
She casts no reflection in brand new mirrors
Like a vampire caught off guard
Her unfeeling heart, rises cold and dark
A dominatrix with an iron fist
She’s gonna try to befriend thee in the deep dark night
With a wink and a blown kiss, Huhh

(another instrumental)

(one two three four…)

She’s got a bunch of Fox News zeroes that fuel her hopes and drive
Sarah Palin likes you if you are white and have no use for gay pride
Every Wednesday she will give an address
That will reveal all the madness in her soul, Whoa
Someday girl, we don’t know when, you’ll learn that you’re a disgrace
Something we already know, her career will be done
But till then just like puss, Sarah will return to run

Oh, Sarah just like puss, baby we hope that you run

Please believe me, all of us baby, sure hope that you will run

Palins vs. Reality (TV): Round Three – Bristol

First we had Sarah Palin, the former half-term ex-quitting governor of Alaska dip her toe into the waters of reality television with her TLC show known as “Sarah Palin’s Alaska“. Next, we learned that Palin’s would-be son-in-law, Levi Johnston is shopping his own reality series titled “Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor’s Office” in which Johnston will follow in the Naughty Monkey steps of Sarah and run for Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Now we hear that Sarah’s daughter Bristol, the former unwed pregnant teen and current unwed twenty-something single mother, will appear as a contestant on next season’s “Dancing With The Stars“. Wow! Remember when Sarah Palin negatively alleged that President Barack Obama was a celebrity and compared him to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton during the 2008 presidential campaign? Did that ever prove to be the pot calling the kettle black (pun intended).

What is it with the Palin clan and their obsession with celebrity status? Really, how many normal families would aspire to have three members star in their own reality television series? Talk about low expectations. This group simply should have stuck together as one unit and promoted a joint sitcom possible titled “The Wasilla Hillbillies“. Heck, even the Gosselin family managed to keep nine out of their ten members on just one TV show.

What is next for the Palins? More reality shows? Maybe “Hey First Dude, Where’s My Car?” wherein Todd Palin will steal and then hide the automobiles of unsuspecting Wasilla residents. Or perhaps, the ever elusive Track might star in “Tracking Track“. Can you folks come up with any other suggestions?

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Dancing Queen song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y62OlGvC-bk

DANCING QUEEN

(sung to the ABBA song “Dancing Queen”)

She can dance, she’ll connive, someday she’ll be Levi’s wife
(Ooooh)
Scheming girl, pregnant teen, she is the dancing queen

Not too bright and her sights set low
Stepping out just to earn some dough
Where they play right-wing music, sporting her new bling
Let’s pray that she don’t sing

Baby Tripp is right by her side
Sarah Palin mulls suicide
First Dude, he’s sure to lose it. Here comes Palin decline
There’ll be no second chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, seeking green from the cash machine
(Oh yeah)
She’ll enhance her sex drive, and prove that she is pro-life
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen

She’s a teaser, she leads boys on
Never makes them put condoms on
She’s the unwed teen mother soon to make Baby Two
She loves to take a chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, indiscrete on the TV screen
(Oh yeah)
What’s the chance she’ll survive? Will she make it to Round 5?
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen
Bristol’s the dancing queen