Category Archives: Jon Stewart

Sunday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 19

Good morning everyone. Here are a few mix & match news stories from the last week that have been bouncing around in my empty cranium.

BREAKING NEWS:  Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh insist upon saying that the Obama administration is raping the citizens of this country. Why do these two ultra right-wing pundits so frequently use the rape analogy? Is it some sort of racist insult wherein they insinuate a certain race is more likely to commit a vicious sex crime? Consider these quotes:

Glenn Beck:  “People in New York, you’re being raped by your government — raped.”, and “We’re the young girl saying ‘No, no, help me,’ and the government is Roman Polanski.”

Rush Limbaugh:  “Feinberg is following orders and I guaran-damn-tee you Obama said: “You get up there and you rape ’em. And you make ’em poor. And you make ’em pay.”, and “Get ready to get gang-raped again, folks.” There was also this gem, “We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles, bend over forward, backward, whichever, because his father was black, because this is the first black president.” How about this defense of Sarah Palin, “This is pure sexism in Alaska on the part of these old boys trying to get rid of Sarah Palin, and she didn’t put up with it, and she didn’t bend over and let them have their way.”

These guys and their perverted adolescent talk are sickening.

THIS JUST INWe have oft commented on Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off that everything that Sarah Palin touches somehow turns to manure. Remember when she dropped the puck at the St. Louis Blues hockey game during the campaign after which the team promptly went on a multi-game losing streak? Or when she vehemently defended the character and anti-gay marriage position of former Miss California, Carrie Jean Prejean, after which the woman’s character was called into question because of a potential 15 to 20 explicit sex tapes that she made and transmitted to others. How about when Palin most recently got involved in New York’s 23rd District Congressional race by shunning her own Republican Party nominee as being too moderate and endorsing the Conservative Party candidate only to split the vote and lead the Democrats to victory in a district in which they had not won since the Civil War? Well, Palin has done it again. After appearing on Oprah this week, Oprah Winfrey has now taken a cue from the former ex-quitting governor and announced that she too will now quit arguably the most popular talk show in television history. The curse of the “Alaska Disaster” lives on.

BREAKING NEWSFox News was exposed as being anything but “Fair and Balanced” once again this week. Only a few weeks after being caught by Jon Stewart of the Comedy Channel‘s The Daily Show of having attempted to falsely inflate the number of protesters at Michele Bachmann’s recent Tea-Bagger rally in DC by means of showing video footage of a different (better attended event), Fox has done the same thing again. This time Fox attempted to falsely inflate the number of Sarah Palin supporters at a book signing by showing video footage of a campaign rally which took place more than a year ago rather than footage of the actual book signing. This is another example of why the Fox News network simply cannot be trusted to honestly report the news.

THIS JUST IN: To be fair, we must admit that at least one Fox News pundit held a Republican’s feet to the fire this week in a segment of an interview which was not simply a bunch of softball questions. On Thursday evening, while interviewing Sarah Palin the former ex-quitting governor of Alaska, Bill O’Reilly brought up the topic of the disastrous Katie Couric interview as follows:

O’Reilly: Katie Couric’s a different story. Katie Couric asked you an easy question and you booted it, governor.

Palin: I sure did.

[Plays video]

COURIC: What newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this — to stay informed and to understand the world?

PALIN: I’ve read most of them again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media —

COURIC: But what ones specifically? I’m curious.

PALIN: Um, all of them …

O’Reilly: Why did you boot it? I mean, if somebody asks what do you read, I say I read the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, I could reel them off in my sleep, you couldn’t do it.

Palin: Well, of course I could. Of course I could.

O’Reilly: Well, why didn’t you?

Palin: It’s ridiculous to suggest that or say I couldn’t tell people what I read. Because by that point already, although it was relatively early in that multi-segmented interview with Katie Couric — it was, it was quite obvious that it was going to be a bit of an annoying interview with a badgering of the questions. It seemed to me that she didn’t know anything about Alaska, about my job as governor, about my accomplishments as mayor or governor, my record. And a question like that, though, yeah, I booted it, I screwed up, I should have been more patient and more gracious in my answer, it seemed to me the question was more along the lines of — Do you read? How do you stay in touch with the real world?

O’Reilly: See, that was your inexperience.

BREAKING NEWS:  Thank goodness for small miracles. The Boston Globe reported Thursday that Republican California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will never again seek public office of any kind. Now if he will only stay out of the movies and consequently, out of our collective sight.

THIS JUST IN:  How about all of that hypocritical Republican outrage at President Barack Obama’s respectful bow to Japan’s Emperor  Akihito ? Do they remember Eisenhower’s bow to Charles DeGaulle of France of all places? Nixon’s bow to Japan’s  Emperor Hirohito who by the way, was the person who ordered the attack on Pearl Harbor? Or how about George W. Bush’s hand holding and kissing of Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah? This type of criticism simply exposes the Republican Party as a bastion of pettiness with a lack of serious political ideas.

BREAKING NEWS: This is good news. The U.S. Senate last night voted in favor of opening debate on its version of a health care reform bill (why don’t they simply refer to it as what it is, a health insurance reform bill?). It passed by a vote of 60 t0 40. The 60 votes in favor prevented a Republican filibuster at this stage of the process although all 40 Senate Republicans voted against the bill. The “Party of No” has lived up to its reputation once again by voting not against the substantive content of the proposed bill, but against even having a debate which would weigh the pros and cons of the bill. Why are the Republicans afraid to even allow Senate members to debate a bill? Isn’t public congressional debate the foundation upon which our country and its rule of law was created. The Republicans are always quick to allege that know what the “founding fathers” would have done. Does anyone believe that the “founding fathers” would attempt to stop debate in the congress that they just created? We do not think so. The Republicans should steal their party motto from Nancy Reagan, “Just Say No.”

Inasmuch as the Republican Party is doing everything within its power to hasten its own extinction, we thought that it would be appropriate if today’s song parody was based upon a tune about another extinct animal, the unicorn. Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

The Unicorn Song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ch4N4KB3XaI&feature=related

THE REPUBLICAN SONG

(sung to the Irish Rovers song “The Unicorn Song”)

A long time ago when the States were new
There were lots of political parties so let’s name a few
They bickered and they fought in this land that was free
But always the sore loser was the G.O.P.

There were Whigs and Tories, Greenbacks, also too
The Progressive Party of 1 – 9 – 1 – 2
Democrats and don’t forget the Labor Party
Yet the sorriest of all was the G.O.P.

The Lord seen some sinnin’ from some of his men
So he grouped ‘em all together in a single pen
He said, “I need a name for you barbarians”
“You’ll be Republicans”
And behave like those…

Whigs and Tories, Greenbacks also too
The Progressive Party of 1 – 9 – 1 – 2
Democrats and don’t forget the Labor Party
The sorriest bunch was still the G.O.P.

Wise Abe Lincoln was there to answer the call
He set free all those slaves so there’d be freedom for all
Teddy Roosevelt did his duty too
These were good deeds well overdue
Just like…

Whigs and Tories, Greenbacks also too
The Progressive Party of 1 – 9 – 1 – 2
Democrats and don’t forget the Labor Party
It looked like there was hope for the G.O.P.

Then came the late 20th century
Them Republicans were up to their old tricks again
Dick Nixon and Watergate led to defeat
Oh, that crooked G.O.P.

There were Whigs and Tories, Greenbacks, also too
The Progressive Party of 1 – 9 – 1 – 2
Then came Ford and Reagan and George Bushes one and two
And reduced the G.O.P. to an old worn shoe

The voters started movin’ to the other side
And with them the hopes of all Republicans died
The Democrats came down and wooed Arlen Specter away
That’s how the Republican Party died and floated away

You’ll see Independents and Democrats too
Green Party members from states both Red and Blue
Libertarians and members of the A.I.P.
We’ll never hear no more from the G.O.P.

Sunday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 18

coffee_or_tea_1

BREAKING NEWS: Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show which airs nightly on the Comedy Central network is a more accurate news source than Fox News. Last week the writers of the comedy program discovered that Fox’s Sean Hannity had deceived viewers of his program into believing that Michele Bachman’s Tea-Bagging protest in Washington DC was attended by many thousands more people than were actually in attendance. While commenting on the massive attendance, Hannity showed video of the teeming masses to prove his point. Problem is, Jon Stewart astutely pointed out that the video was not of Bachmann’s event at all. Rather, the video was from the September 12th protest. When the deception became public Hannity was forced to apologize on air. The apology was only half-hearted however, as Hannity said the older video footage was inadvertently inserted into the story. Sure it was Sean. That sounds plausible. No go and take your medicine.

THIS JUST IN: This week Lou Dobbs quit his broadcasting position on CNN. For months Dobbs had found himself in the cross-hairs of a Latino sponsored advertiser boycott of his show. The boycott resulted from his persistent (yet false and misleading) reporting that illegal immigrants were the cause of most, if not all, of the nation’s problems ranging from unemployment to leprosy. Dobb’s on-air explanation as to why he was quitting was as confusing and uninformative as that of the other famous quitter, Sarah Palin.

BREAKING NEWS: While still licking his wounds from the Jon Stewart smackdown, Sean Hannity invited former (dare we say, “washed-up”) movie actor/martial artist Chuck Norris on his program. When asked by Hannity if he would enter politics, Norris responded by saying that he would kill his opponents and members of Congress that he believed were dishonest. I do not think that this was the response that Hannity anticipated.

THIS JUST IN: More on the clowns at Fox News. When it was announced last week that alleged 9/11 terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would face trial in a New York Federal District Court rather than in a military tribunal, most of the self titled Fox commentators were outraged. Sean Hannity, Michelle Malkin, Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly all reported that trials in the federal court system would be too lenient and provide a stage upon which the defendant could state his beliefs. As evidence of this, O’Reilly drew attention to the four year trial of Zacarias Moussaoui. Of course he failed to mention that Moussaoui was actually convicted. Why do Fox commentators always claim that they believe in and want to protect American institutions and in the very next breath emote distrust of the cornerstone of all American institutions, the rule of law and an open court system?

BREAKING NEWS: Finally, the week would not be complete without more news from the former ex-quitting governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Her ghost-written memoir, Going Rogue will be released for sale this week but advance copies of it have been released to the press. Needless to say, many who have seen it believe that it is chock-full of lies. The most vocal of critics thus far have been former John McCain campaign officials. One of them, Nicolle Wallace, the former White House Communications Director for George W. Bush, says that Palin’s description of the events surrounding the disastrous Katie Couric interview are completely false. Also too, McCain’s former presidential campaign manager, Steve Schmidt says that the portions of the book that describe his interactions with Palin are, “total fiction.” Ouch !!!

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Sunday Papers song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5r1ub00btE&feature=related

SUNDAY PAPERS

(sung to the Joe Jackson song “Sunday Papers”)

Palin doesn’t go out anymore
Just sits at home and winks and blinks her eyes
But every weekend through the door
We get to learn what she would like to hide

If you want to know about her daughter on the mattress
If you want to know who SarahPAC are
If you wonder why the Palins are such mad-hatters
You can read it in the Sunday papers, Sunday papers

Sarah’s big hair isn’t hers at all
She watches cartoons when the tv’s on
Whenever Meg Stapleton calls
We’ll know the facts when Sunday comes along

If you want to know why Sarah P. went bonkers
If you want to know where the children are
If you want to know about her donor suckers
You can read it in the Sunday papers, read it in the Sunday papers

Sunday papers answer our questions
Sunday papers expose her lies
Sunday papers She’ll raise objections
Sunday papers God bless those guys

Dinner dates on Ebay now I guess
Will it be Taco Bell or reindeer stew
Palin’s got something against the press
They wouldn’t print it if it wasn’t true

If you want to know how she paid for her kitchen (yeah!)
If you want to know where campaign gifts are
If you want to know the next job that she’ll be quittin’
You can read it in the Sunday papers, read it in the Sunday papers

Sunday papers answer our questions
Sunday papers expose her lies
Sunday papers She’ll raise objections
Sunday papers God bless those guys

Sunday papers answer our questions
Sunday papers expose her lies
Sunday papers She’ll raise objections
Sunday papers God bless those guys

Read all about it, Sunday papers
Read all about it, Sunday papers
Read all about it, Sunday papers
Read all about it, Sunday papers
Read all about it, Sunday papers
(repeat to fade)

Sunday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 9

coffee_or_tea_1

BREAKING NEWS: San Francisco radio station 910 KNEW, the flagship station of reich-wing uber-conservative radio commentator, Michael Savage, has dropped his program known as “The Savage Nation.” Now that he is unemployed, will he be able to obtain replacement health insurance coverage despite his pre-existing condition of clinical insanity?

THIS JUST IN: Republican Congressman Joe Wilson of South Carolina burst into the public consciousness last week when he called President Obama a “liar” during the President’s nationally televised speech before both houses of Congress. Every single major media source reported the man’s abominable behavior for the next number of days. We have learned that Wilson has been in Congress for almost eight years. Our question to you readers is, have you ever even heard of this loser before he made a fool of himself?

BREAKING NEWS: In our next installment of “Republicans Behaving Badly” we have California State Assemblyman, Mike Duvall. The traditional “family values” proponent was forced to resign last week as the result of the release of an audio tape during which he describes his bondage sessions with mistresses that do not happen to be his wife. It also turns out that one of his “bad girls” works as a lobbyist at a San Diego energy firm that Duvall had oversight of. Your punishment, Mr. Duvall? Fifty-four spankings!

THIS JUST IN: As a counter-punch to the mayor of Mt. Vernon, WA presenting the “Town Key” to Fox News commentator Glenn Beck, the Bellingham, WA mayor has offered his “City’s Key” to The Daily Show host, Jon Stewart. Take that, Mt. Vernon!

BREAKING NEWS: Conservative radio entertainer Rush Limbaugh says, “I wish Wilson hadn’t apologized” in reference to the aforementioned, Joe “You Lie” Wilson outburst. This is not surprising. In his apology to the President “Shouting Joe” said that he was  compelled to utter his insult. A compulsion is much like an addiction in that the person that has it cannot control their behavior. Rush Limbaugh, the self admitted drug addict, must share some sort of brotherly feelings with Wilson. Perhaps they can refer to themselves as “Friends of Glenn.”

THIS JUST IN: We have another episode of “Republicans Behaving Badly.”  CNN reports that “Bob McDonnell, the normally-disciplined Republican candidate for governor in Virginia, mistakenly blurted out the F-bomb during a live radio interview on Friday… Appearing on Washington-area radio station WTOP, McDonnell was sparring with host Mark Plotkin on the topic of transportation funding. Plotkin asked if McDonnell would consider an increase in the state gasoline tax to help fund the transportation budget. McDonnell said no, and uttered the expletive during his response.” To wit,

“I’m going to find other ways to be able to fund transportation. I’ve outlined twleve f—ing funding mechanisms that are creative, that are entrepreneurial.”

BREAKING NEWS: Actress Tina Fey has deservedly won an Emmy Award for her hilariously realistic portrayal of Alaska’s quitting ex-governor, Sarah Palin. In her acceptance speech, Fey once again took a jab at Palin by saying:

“Mrs. Palin is an inspiration to working mothers everywhere because she bailed on her job right before Fourth of July weekend … You are living my dream. Thank you, Mrs. Palin!”

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

The No No Song song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zx8DGD-Kn0&feature=related

THE HO HO SONG

(sung to the Ringo Starr song “The No No Song”)

A doctor that I know just came from the pharmacy
He smiled at Rush and opened up his hand
Then he held out some oxycontin tablets
He said they were the finest in the land

And Rush said, “Ho ho ho ho”
Do you have any more
My back is feeling really damn sore
If I say please
Can I have more of these
My habit has become really hardcore

A friend of Rush Limbo who wears a hat made of tin
Came on the show and opened up his hand
When he revealed twelve tablets of vicodin
Rush was so happy he performed handstands

And Rush said, “Ho ho ho ho”
Do you have any more
I always come to you for a score
Without more of these
I’m in a cold-turkey freeze
And ditto-heads need someone to adore

A ditto-head I know said he could make organs grow
He smiled and said Rush would not need his hand
Then he gave him some blue viagra pills, Oh
And said that things will rise upon command

And Rush said, “Ho ho ho ho”
Do you have any more
My love life has become such a chore
Please, pretty please
I’m flying overseas
The boys there like it when it hits the floor