Category Archives: Joe Sixpack

Spread The Butter Cuz Sarah Palin Is Toast

 

If you're finished and you know it, clap your hands!

 

To all the Palinbots out there, it is time to face the ugly truth. Sarah Palin is no longer the flavor of the month. Her moment has passed. Her star has flamed out. Her influence has waned. She is quickly becoming an “also ran”. A loser.

Like so many flashes in the pan before her, Sarah Palin captured the attention of this nation for a short while. When she was chosen as John McCain’s running-mate in 2008, nobody had ever heard of her. That anonymity alone made her interesting. “Who is this person that may be second in line for the presidency?” the national media and the rest of us wondered.

The interest increased on a daily basis as more and more of her dirty little secrets were revealed. The “abstinence only” born again Christian has a pregnant unwed teen daughter? It took her 6 years at 5 mediocre colleges to earn a mere bachelor’s degree? She tried to have her brother-in-law fired from his job as an Alaskan State Trooper? She inquired about banning books at the local library? She had a witch doctor drive demons from her body? She chose her children’s names by throwing a dart at a dictionary page? (OK, we made that one up, but it fits in perfectly well with the rest). You have to admit, this was interesting stuff. Sarah Palin’s life resembled the perfect marriage between a Lifetime channel cable TV movie and an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies.

“Enquiring minds” wanted to know about every wacky detail of this crazy woman’s entertaining life. We were not disappointed. Soon we learned about “bridges to nowhere” and “thanks but no thanks”. Her disastrous nationally televised interviews gave us the hilarious gifts of “you can see Russia from Alaska”, “I’ll have’ta get back to ya on that”, and the now famous “all of ’em any of ’em”. She even introduced us to some new sidekicks such as the “pitbull with lipstick”, “Joe Sixpack” and her new BFF, “Joe the Plumber”.

Despite the fact that Palin’s antics entertained us throughout the presidential campaign, the fact is that a vast majority of Americans did not take her seriously. Her ticket lost in an epic landslide and it would have been best for America if she disappeared ala Dan Quayle. But such was not the case. We may have been done with Palin, but she was not done with us. In short, she refused to go away.

She found a willing loudspeaker for her hate-fueled radically conservative rhetoric at the insane asylum known as Fox News. The network’s uneducated, brainwashed audience rabidly ingested every unintelligible sentence that Palin vomited. Sarah Palin became the pied piper of the misinformed masses and she relished her status. So, in July 2009 she quit her day job as Governor of Alaska (after only having served for one half of one term), hired a ghostwriter to pen her fictitious memoir and embarked on a nationwide fee-based book signing and public speaking tour. Always in demand, Palin spoke at such prestigious events as the Liquor Wholesalers Convention, the Bowling Convention and the highly coveted Battery Back-up Sump Pump Convention. The sky was the limit.

There was one little problem, however. The national Republican leadership was not so enamored with Palin. After having just been trounced in the nationwide elections, the G.O.P. was inclined to distance itself somewhat from this eccentric curiosity in its quest to rebuild a solid constituency. The party leadership did not want to consider the possibility of Sarah Palin representing them on the Sunday morning television news programs. They moved on.

Enter the Tea Party. The misinformed masses that watch Fox News and listen to the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Ann “the Man” Coulter and Laura Ingraham began to gather their pitchforks and torches and coalesce around the idea that they could take over the Republican Party and reform it in their image of racism, violence, fear and anarchy. Sarah Palin encouraged this malleable group of uneducated nitwits with talk of “death panels”, “reloading” and the “lamstream media” It was all “us against them” and the Tea-Baggers not only took the poison, but they appointed Sarah Palin as their de-facto Queen.

She willingly accepted the title. Then, when Palin learned of the sophomoric means of communication known as “The Twitter” and “Facebook”, she began to issue edicts to her minions on a daily basis and in a crude form of semi-English that they could understand. She ordered them to support her hand-picked assortment of radically fringe yet ultimately unelectable candidates who she referred to as “Mama Grizzlies”. And her subjects followed orders.

The Palin led Tea-Baggers vaulted candidates to primary election victories over mainstream Republican candidates despite their radical (and sometimes insane) objectives such as repealing the 10th and 14th Amendments, privatizing Social Security, removing fluoride from the nation’s water supply, banning abortions for victims of rape and incest, forcing elders to pay $ 2,000.00 Medicare deductibles and “horror of horrors” banning masturbation. Sarah Palin climbed out onto a very thin limb by personally endorsing these very high profile eccentric candidates and by doing so, she put her own credibility on the line.

Palin’s credibility has now been destroyed. On election day the nation’s voters said “no” to Sharron “2nd Amendment remedies” Angle. The voters said “no” to Christine “Masturbation is Adultery” O’Donnell. The voters said “no” to Linda “Women are Sex Objects” McMahon. The voters said “no” to Carly “Worst CEO in History” Fiorina. The voters said “no” to Meg “Illegal Housekeeper” Whitman. The voters said “no” to John “Lasers in the Sky” Raese. The voters said “no” to Sean “Privatize Social Security” Bielat. The voters said “no” to Tom “Let’s Bomb Mecca” Tancredo. The voters said “no” to Ken “No Abortion For Rape Victims” Buck. The voters said “no” to Dino “Repeal Wall Street Reform” Rossi. And, it looks like the voters will say “no” to Joe “Dump Social Security” Miller. In short, Sarah Palin was “refudiated” in a big way.

Even someone over at ever-friendly Fox News has now turned against Sarah Palin. On Thursday Mort Kondracke said, “She’s a joke even within her own party. The idea that she would be the presidential nominee is unthinkable.”

The lesson learned is that Sarah Palin is widely popular among a small group of radically misinformed fanatics, but her ideas and endorsements carry very little weight with the voting population as a whole. To the mainstream American voter, Sarah Palin is nothing more than an entertaining and curiously magnetic oddity much like the sympathy inducing side-show freaks of days gone by. We like being entertained by her antics but we have no desire to participate in her stage show or to be subject to her leadership in any capacity. That is why most of us hope that she runs for president in 2012. We know that we will enjoy the benefit of being amused while simultaneously being comforted by the fact that she has no chance of damaging the country by being elected.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

I’m A Loser song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXHO7hScOCA

SHE’S A LOSER

(sung to the Beatles song “I’m A Loser”)

She’s a loser
She’s a loser
Palin’s just what she appears to be

Of the elections she’s won, more have lost
Tea Party honor has come at a cost
She called both Angle and Miller a friend
But her endorsement hurt them in the end

She’s a loser
And a victim of the Tea Party
She’s a loser
Now she’s hated by the G.O.P.

Sarah P. talks and she acts like a clown
She’s been rejected by nude-boy Scott Brown
The jeers are falling like rain from the sky
She can’t be saved by the wink of her eye

She’s a loser
Like the members of the Tea Party
She’s a loser
And she’s only out to make a fee

(Russia viewing break)

She loves to spread her politics of hate
When she got caught she just quit on her state
Oh yes it’s true, she is in a free fall
Palin is screwed like a fish to the wall

She’s a loser
And she lost again so recently
She’s a loser
For some proof just turn on Fox TV

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Christine O’Donnell: Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Daniel "Bozo" O'Donnell says, "Vote for Christine"

Just when you think that Christine O’Donnell has said the most stupid thing you ever heard in your life, she opens her mouth and ups the ante. On Tuesday, the Teapublican candidate for Joe Biden’s former Delaware Senate seat made a fool of herself once again during her second debate with Democrat Chris Coons. The debate took place at the Widener Law School and O’Donnell certainly was schooled on the content of the United States Constitution, a document that she and most every other Tea Party candidate make reference to ad nauseam.

CNN reports that on the issue of whether creationism should be taught in public schools, a highly skeptical O’Donnell questioned Coon’s assertion that the First Amendment calls for the separation of church and state. Let’s go to the transcript, shall we?

“The First Amendment does?” O’Donnell asked during the debate. “Let me just clarify: You’re telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?”

Coons responded by quoting the relevant text: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”

“That’s in the First Amendment?” a still skeptical O’Donnell replied smiling, as laughter could be heard from the crowd.

Earlier in the debate, O’Donnell flat out asked, “Where in the Constitution is separation of Church and State?” – a question that Coons did not appear to take seriously.

The Tea Party-backed candidate also stumbled over the Fourteenth and Sixteenth Amendments when asked if she would support repealing them.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t bring my Constitution with me. Fortunately, senators don’t have to memorize the Constitution. Can you remind me of [them]?” O’Donnell said.

YIKES!!! Christine O’Donnell is an absolute buffoon. In last week’s debate she was unable (just like her mentor Sarah Palin in 2008) to name a Supreme Court decision and now she has exposed her complete ignorance of this nation’s Constitution. This “witchcraft dabbling”, “non-masturbating”, “evolution denier” is better suited to a junior high-school remedial history class than she is to any elected office including dog catcher (BTW, no offense to dog catchers intended). We learned last week that O’Donnell’s father was “Bozo the Clown” and now we realize that she will never be able to fill his big shoes. That is a good thing (for her), inasmuch as she always has her foot in her mouth.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

That Old Black Magic song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qpjxx9BOm-0&feature=related

THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC

(sung to the Louis Prima & Keely Smith song “That Old Black Magic”)

Old black magic serves O’Donnell well
Old black magic powers Christine’s spell
But we all know that come election time
Christine is in the unemployment line

Mixed and mingled with the Tea Bag side
She took those Baggers on a broomstick ride
Down and down she goes
With those Sixpack Joes
Her Senate hopes have now died

She should stay away but what will she do?
She’ll pass the blame, and that’s a shame
Fame, is her desire
That phony’s now pissed
Cuz she’s been fired

That “Grizzly Mama” sent her into war
Armed with hate, debated like a brainless bore
And every time Christine does whine

(Baby)

Down and down she goes
Down in polls she goes
In a spin
Into the garbage bin
Cuz of that old black magic she loves

Ooh, in a spin
Into the garbage bin
Cuz of that old black magic she loves

In a spin
Into the garbage bin
Cuz of that old black magic she loves

Now O’Donnell says, “Oh what can I do?”
“Who is to blame for all my shame?”
Shame, not her desire
Now Christine is pissed
Consumed with ire

Coons will throw O’Donnell right out the door
He’ll use Christine’s broomstick to sweep up the floor
She’ll squeal and whine just like a swine

(Baby)

Down and down she goes
Watch her big frown grow
She can’t win
Hated by most women
Cuz of that old black magic she loves

No, she can’t win
With odds less than one in ten
Cuz of that old black magic she loves

A has been
Just like her mother hen
Cuz of that old black magic she loves

Cuz of that old black magic she loves

Levi Johnston Says, “I Want MY MTV”

As we’ve said so many times in the past, sometimes these blog entries and song parodies simply write themselves. Today is one of those instances.

The reunited Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston had allegedly shopped around for a reality television series chronicling their upcoming wedding and early day-to-day marriage life. Their efforts failed however, after the networks decided that they were not entertaining and hence were unmarketable. Their joint dreams of fame were at least temporarily squashed, but Levi had another plan. Only this time, Bristol was not in the mix.

Plan B? Well, it has now been revealed that Johnston, the former nude model, will appear in an R&B music video in which he will play a young man driven away from his love interest by the young woman’s mother. Gee, that sounds rather autobiographical doesn’t it? The actual R&B artist is someone known as Brittani Senser.

This should absolutely send Sarah Palin over the edge. It is clear that the half-term, ex-quitting Governor of Alaska is not pleased that her formerly unmarried pregnant teen daughter will now tie the knot with the child’s uneducated and unemployed father. Sarah Palin is a revenge seeker of the highest order (see, Mike Wooten, David Letterman, Joe McGinniss and Lisa Murkowski) and she will be enraged at the fact that the narrative of the song reflects her own previous treatment of Johnston. Remember when she castigated Johnston on Oprah for pursuing a career in porn? It remains to be seen how Sarah “Plain and Stupid” will exact her revenge at this thinly veiled slight by Johnston.

Will she for instance, boycott the wedding? Will she attend the wedding but forget to bring a gift? Will she plan and pay for the newlyweds’ honeymoon trip maybe to North Korea or Iran? Will she hire a ghostwriter to pen a tell-all tome of Johnston? Better yet, perhaps Sarah will utilize a tete-for-tete strategy by means of appearing in her own music video in which she tells the tale of an impregnating stalker of innocent teens. Johnston must be warned that revenge is a dish best served cold.

In honor of the troops, today’s song parody musically illustrates the intriguing Sarah Palin/Levi Johnston relationship. Remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

The Ballad Of John And Yoko song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t3oaPNJieg

THE BALLAD OF SARAH AND LEVI (PART II)

(Sung to the Beatles song “The Ballad of John and Yoko”)

Posing in a condo in New York,
Levi about to remove his pants
He now has a knack
To annoy SarahPAC
Yet most of them will still want to take a glance

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
To play second fiddle,
To the Caribou-Barbie.

Sarah claims that she is embarrassed
Really, she just envies his fame
Katie Couric did say,
“Can you pray away gay?”
“And can you point out some newspapers by name?”.

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
Those interviews on TV.
Reviews were not glowing
For the brain-dead Sarah P.

Levi’s camped-out in the Hollywood Hilton,
Media folks want him to speak
The newspapers said,
“What’s going on in your head?”
He said that, “soon I will be on MTV”

Christ you know he loves TV,
His part should earn him a fee
And he loves annoying
His mother-in-law to be

Earning every penny for a rainy day,
Tricking Bristol into marrying,
Know what Sarah said?
“Soon he will be dead!”
But then she will be haunted by his ghost – Think!

Maybe she’ll have Levi arrested.
Palin dignity in free-fall.
Young Bristol will claim,
“My mom is to blame,”
“She always has her henchmen on call”

Christ you know she’s so sleazy
She lies so effortlessly
But Levi is going,
To crucify Sarah P.

How did Mac choose Sarah to begin with?
She is just a political hack.
A dumb “hockey mom”,
That can’t think and chew gum.
Why didn’t he select “Joe Sixpack?”

Christ she makes us uneasy.
In Yiddish we say, “Oy Vey.”
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.

Sarah Palin And The Paperback Writer

"Say it ain't so, Joe."

We just cannot let this Sarah Palin/Joe McGinniss feud fade away without another post on the subject. In fact, this potential Hatfield/McCoy standoff is likely to provide enough juicy material for many more posts (not to mention a Saturday Night Live skit or two). What could be better than an investigative journalist actually living right next door to the subject of his next book?

By the way, what’s up with Sarah Palin’s sick obsession with the sexual violation of her daughters? First we learned on the campaign trail that unwed teen daughter Bristol was pregnant despite all that “abstinence only” training she received from her formerly unwed pregnant mother. Next, Palin accused David Letterman of soliciting the statutory rape of daughter, Willow. Then we learned from reading her ghostwritten memoir, that both daughters Willow and Bristol were threatened with gang rape from schoolmates,

In that first year, I was alerted to threats against Willow by students at her Juneau school, one particularly disturbing. Someone posted a note on an Internet site threatening to gang-rape her at school. I never felt safe for her after that. Later, the same thing happened to Bristol.

Of course “Mama Bear” never reported the alleged threats to school officials or law enforcement at the time. Now we have Palin alleging that writer Joe McGinniss is some sort of perverted peeping tom. In a recent Facebook entry, Palin wrote,

Wonder what kind of material he’ll gather while overlooking Piper’s bedroom…

It is clear that Sarah Palin has some weird sexual hangups involving minors.

Greater Wasilla (Alaska) better get ready for a long hot summer with plenty of fireworks on display in and around the Palin/McGinniss compound. We can imagine screaming tantrums from Palin, mocking waves from McGinniss and the Wasilla police setting up a temporary station on their street. Will the Palins’ spite fence grow taller and taller? The new neighbors’ backyards will be filled with cold stares, hot glares and sneak peeks. All in all though, what did Palin expect? She cozied up to Joe Sixpack and Joe The Plumber, so how could Joe The Writer be expected to know that he would be unwelcome in Palinland?

Palin's spite fence.

Let’s all hope for a summer full of comedic altercations. In the meantime please enjoy this re-working of a previous re-working of the Beatles’ song “Paperback Writer”.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwap79uy1G8

PAPERBACK WRITER II

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my book?
It took me months to write while I had a look
All of those things that I could see and hear
I put them in my book and I’m gonna be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Its a dirty story of a dirty clan
Led by Sarah Palin and her “First Dude” man
I learned so much by reading through their mail
They’re a seedy mob but its fun to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s a thousand pages give or take a few,
It has some photos I took from my scenic view.
I must admit the Palins never do smile
They just sulked around in plain site of this paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I loved all the fighting I could hear at night
It wafted through the fence despite its massive height.
You’ll learn all about them so please have no fear,
They will quiver and quake but I’m gonna be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Palin’s Daffy Doubletalk Dismays Devotees

If you're crazy and you know it, clap your hands...

As we have long surmised, all you had to do was give Sarah Palin enough rope and eventually she would hang herself. The metaphorical rope in this instance is the former ex-quitting Governor of Alaska’s own lengthy trail of words. Despite the fact much of what Palin says is an indecipherable jumble of mispronounced words and colloquial down-home catchphrases, she has now managed to contradict herself and counter conservative measures so often that she has lost support not only among the moonbat crazy Tea-Bagger crowd, but also amongst Republicans as a whole.

This news has even become apparent across the pond as they say. The UK Telegraph reports that more Alaskans than not think the presidency should not form the next chapter of Palin’s extraordinary story, while 45 per cent gave her a negative personal rating. It also points out that Tea Party supporters, her most ardent fans, showed that a majority wouldn’t vote for her if she ran for president in 2012. Further, the British paper states,

It is not just that the faithful are beginning to question her readiness for the White House. It is not just that they have doubts about a would-be president who wants all her questions pre-screened, who needs to scribble her talking points on her palm and whose favourite modes of communication are those of a 15-year-old, namely Twitter and Facebook. What is troubling Right-wingers is whether their great moose-hunting hope may not be the conservative real deal after all.

The paper goes on to say that,

Dissent is most evident among Palin’s 1.5 million Facebook friends, who have revolted against her decision to endorse Carly Fiorina, the controversial former Hewlett Packard executive, in a California Republican senate primary over the Tea Party favourite, Chuck DeVore. For some, Palin’s choice compounded her recent endorsement of McCain in his Arizona senate primary election battle against a more Right-wing candidate.

The suspicion is that Palin  didn’t do her homework on Fiorina – who favours a “cap and trade” energy reform bill and is considered insufficiently robust against abortion.

It would appear that Palin’s supporters are just now picking up on her contradictions and her penchant for opportunism that her critics have seen since she first appeared on the political scene.

The Telegraph contends for instance,

Palin decries federal government spending but as a state governor lapped it up (as almost all of them do). She attacked “big government” healthcare reform but accepts free care for her grandson, an entitlement received only because her husband Todd is one quarter native Alaskan.

Next it points out,

A supposed warrior against political correctness, she upbraided Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, for using the word “retard” as an insult, saying it was deeply offensive to her and Trig, her Down’s Syndrome son. Indeed it may have been. But when Rush Limbaugh, the talk radio supremo whom no Republican dares contradict, then committed the same offence, she remained silent.

And,

An ostensibly staunch defender of the US constitution, Palin last week said that US law should be based on “the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments”. In doing so she completely ignored, or was ignorant of, the fact that the very aim of the founding fathers was to separate church and state, from that very British tyranny. As the first amendment states: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” Those “unalienable rights” in the Declaration of Independence that Palin holds so dear were endowed by the “Creator”, not a God of a particular church or faith.

We should also point out that while pretending to be the hockey mom and/or hardworking “Sixpack Joanne” like so many of her devotees, Sarah Palin has actually been virtually unemployed yet earned more than 12 million dollars since last year. Presently, her lifestyle far more closely resembles that of the East Coast elite that she pretends to so despise than it does the down-homey, small town, Middle American that “clings to his/her guns and religion”. Finally, and most vividly, she has not yet found a way to gracefully backtrack from “drill baby, drill” even in the face of the Gulf Coast disaster. Many of the governors of those coastal Red states that so fervently advocated more offshore drilling are now taking a sober second look. Palin, on the other hand, simply digs in the heels of her Naughty Monkeys. Quite simply, Sarah Palin will soon alienate herself right out of the atmosphere of the political party to which she belongs.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Everybody’s Talkin’ song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HL4WRp_Qk

SARAH PALIN’S TALKIN’

(sung to the Harry Nilsson version of the song “Everybody’s Talkin”)

Sarah Palin’s talkin’ at me
Can’t understand a word she’s saying
She has a really troubled mind

People stopping, staring
Standing in their places
Palin’s just blinking both her eyes

Her brain is where the sun ain’t shining
Thinking is a strain
Like dead fish, she’s “goin’ with the flow”
Palin is just a bag of wind
Craving attention, please
She’s hoping that her supporters throw a bone

(musical interlude)

It’s no wonder that she’s been hiding
She might be insane
As for Prozac, she could use a dose
If she gives up then we all win
She could then strip-tease
And she could use that dancing pole as her throne

Sarah Palin’s talkin’ at me
Can’t hear a word she’s saying
Only the echoes of her whines

I just hope she’ll leave in double time

Oh, I just hope she le-ee-ee-eaves

I just hope she’ll leave in double time

Sump Pumps And Sarah Palin Both Suck

First she appeared before the Bowling League Convention. Next it was the Liquor Wholesalers’ Convention and Wednesday Sarah Palin spoke at an event sponsored by a firm that specializes in the manufacture of battery backup sump pump systems. Really, can it get any better than this? What is next, the Toilet Scrubber Convention?

We will not even get into the content of her speech. Suffice to say it included the words, “rogue”, “hope-y change-y”, “clinging to guns and religion”, “socialism”, “Obama Care” and a completely inane diatribe having something to do with a girls’ high school basketball team and the new Arizona racist immigrant law. You know, the usual Palin word salad.

This is a beautiful Saturday here in Boston, so let’s just pull out one of our old Sarah Palin television theme parodies.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song.

Gilligan’s Island theme link: http://www.televisiontunes.com/Gilligans_Island.html

SARAH’S ISLAND

(Sung to the theme of tv’s “Gilligan’s Island”)

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a strange kinship
That started with the First Dude, Todd
And ends with Baby Tripp

Wife Sarah was Alaska’s guv’nor
Her husband a drop-out
Five children with really strange names
Hillbillies there’s no doubt.    Hillbillies there’s no doubt.

The election started getting rough
Mack needed a V.P.
He focused his attention on the Great White North
His savior Sarah P.    His savior Sarah P.

She could not handle interviews her strategy was
Senile
Too “Mavericky”
“You Betcha’s” too
“Joes Sixpack and the Plumber”
“Hockey Moms”
“The Pitbull with Lipstick on”
and, a Beehive hairstyle.

So this is the tale of the Palin Clan
The campaign was reduced to dust
Bristol had a baby boy
Levi’s mom, a bust

Sarah and her husband, Todd
Returned to the family nest
She had some softball interviews
Tough issues weren’t addressed

No Charles, no Kate, no CNN
Sure no M-S-N-B-C
They all use “Gotcha Questions”
That’s not her cup of tea

So join them here each week good friends
Fox, you can stay awhile
Greta and Hasselback will be here too

Here on “Palins Isle”

Sarah Palin: Likely To Quit Again

The former ex-quitting Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin may be quitting again. Palin quit her job as Governor after only half a term and she has been a no-show at many speaking engagements both before and after, including the CPAC Conference in DC.  She also recently quit the Republican National Committee after it sponsored a soiree at a lesbian/bondage strip club. Now, New York Magazine reports that the Queen of Quit may be abandoning her quest for the Presidency.

The reason? Simple. Sarah Palin cares most about money. The article suggests that she quit the governorship because “she was going broke”. She needed money and worried about it constantly. “You have to keep in mind,” Bill McAllister, her then–press secretary, told the magazine, “she and Todd were middle class. They’re rich now, but not then.” Indeed, even a John McCain adviser said, “Deep down, she wanted to make money.”

In fact, the magazine says that the single greatest influence on her quitting the governorship was that Alaska’s ethics rules might have prohibited her from profiting from a book tour or a political action committee or legal defense fund.

In March, she petitioned the Alaska attorney general’s office, which responded with a lengthy list of conditions. “There was no way she could go on a book tour while being governor” is how one member of her Alaska staff put it.

Hence, she quickly quit the governorship and quit on the people of Alaska that elected her.

Sarah Palin elected to pursue money and fame at the expense of her supporters and her stated ideals. She claims to represent the “everyman”, the “Sixpack Joes” and the “hockey moms”. Simultaneously however, she charges those very supporters exorbitant fees to see her or have a photo taken with her. Unlike the working class, she travels in Lear Jets at a cost of some $ 1,500.00 per hour and is building a new 6000 square foot manse. It is estimated that she has made some 12 million dollars since quitting last July. Indeed, Sarah Palin better resembles Richie Rich than Joe The Plumber.

The magazine article states that in 1996, a few weeks into her run for Wasilla mayor, Palin revealed to Laura Chase, her campaign manager at the time, the scope of her ambition. “We were sitting at my table one night and I said, ‘Sarah, one day you could be governor.’ She just looked at me and said, ‘I don’t want to be governor, I want to be president.’ ” Strangely, it is Sarah Palin’s quest for fame and fortune that will most likely dissuade her from seeking the presidency. Palin plans on selling another book and she continues to charge $ 100,000.00 per speaking engagement. At some point, the Tea-Baggers that idolize her will realize by witnessing her lavish lifestyle, that she is not one of them. They will recognize her as being a member of the celebrity class that they so despise. Consequently, their support for her will wane. Additionally, she has already alienated the more mainstream members of the Republican Party. New York Magazine writes,

While careful not to say anything that might make her rear her head, some in the GOP Establishment whisper that they hope Palin stays in Wasilla. She may be useful in raising funds and drawing crowds, but Palin’s unseriousness and carnival antics damage the brand. “There’s a big piece of the Republican Party that doesn’t want her to run,” said one national Republican strategist.

So, as Sarah Palin begins to amass tremendous wealth, she is losing support from her base. Palin however, loves the money and fame too much to abandon it for such a pedestrian and low paying position as the President of the United States. Sarah Palin is too selfish to ever accept the paycut. She will not run for President in 2012. In short, it’s all over now.

EXTRA

As mentioned yesterday, we had the opportunity to attend the Salem State College (Salem, MA) Speaker Series last evening featuring Ted Kennedy, Jr. as well as a private reception thereafter. Mr. Kennedy did not disappoint. As we all witnessed at his father’s funeral, young Kennedy has inherited his family’s style of oration. He spoke mostly about his work as an attorney for the disabled but he also dabbled on the subjects of health care reform and on things he learned about his family upon reading his father’s memoir, True Compass.

One such revelation from the book was his grandmother, Rose Kennedy’s involvement in the Cuban Missile Crisis. Kennedy explained that she had a fondness for obtaining books authored and personally autographed by world leaders which she would dole out at as Christmas presents each year. At the height of the missile crisis in which nuclear war threatened to wipe out civilization as we know it, the KGB intercepted a handwritten letter from a Mrs. Rose Kennedy of Hyannisport, MA in which she requested a few autographed copies of Premier Nikita Khrushchev’s most recent book. The KGB apparently could not figure out what plan the CIA was up to or what they wanted and so they inquired. When Jack Kennedy got the news, he asked his mother what she was up to. Rose simply explained that Jack should know that she gifts out autographed books from world leaders each Christmas, and this year it was Khrushchev’s turn!

Inasmuch as his speech was being delivered in Salem, MA, Kennedy felt that he should mention that on his mother’s side, he was a descendant of one Mary Eastey who in 1692 was hanged in the city (along with many others) for the crime of being a witch. He thanked the present residents for being much more kind to him.

Most importantly however, when asked about newly elected nudist Republican US Senator Scott Brown, Kennedy kindly stated that he wished him luck but that he will be judged by constituents according to how he votes. He hinted that thus far the votes were not in conformity with the views of most Massachusetts citizens but inasmuch as Brown is up for re-election in 2012, there is time for somebody to announce their candidacy in the not too distant future. When a few members of the audience shouted out, “What about you, Ted”, he politely smiled and moved on to the next subject. Kennedy clearly left the door open for a run for his father’s old seat without providing any negative comment about Brown which could prematurely be used as ammunition against him. He showed the skill of a true politician. We certainly hope he runs for that seat.

Kennedy Jr. concluded by taking a number of unscreened questions from members of the audience. He handled them deftly without resort to palm written crib notes.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s Sarah Palin song parody.

It’s All Over Now song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbpU5vBYnfU&feature=related

IT’S ALL OVER NOW

(sung to the Rolling Stones version of the song “It’s All Over Now”)

Well, Palin was around way too long
She winked those eyes, went to Hong Kong
But her heart’s now broken, that’s no lie
Tables turn and now it’s her turn to cry

Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now

Well, she thought that she’d be crowned a queen in D.C. Town
She’d spend book deal money to buy herself some fame
She has no clout, that must be a blow to her pride
Tables turn and now it’s Sarah who cries

Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now

(musical interlude)

Well, on Meet The Press Sunday morning, did you hear what they said?
“Palin’s political future is all but dead”
Brooks, Dionne and Murphy really smacked Palin down
Now the whole world knows that she is just a clown

Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now
Some crackpots used to love her, but it’s all over now

Sarah Palin: Show Me The Money

As always, third place is for losers. Unfortunately for Sarah Palin, that is exactly the position she is in when compared to other potential G.O.P. presidential contenders in terms of fund raising. The former ex-quitting governor of Alaska raised $2.1 million ($1.4 million in the last 6 months) through her political action committee (SarahPAC) in 2009. A good number but Mitt Romney, the former ex-quitting governor of Massachusetts raised $2.9 million and Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty raised $1.3 million in just three months (a projected 6 month total of over $2.6 million). Pawlenty’s take is particularly startling because he has not even quit his job yet.

In typical non-specific Palin-speak, SarahPAC spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said:

We are thrilled. Common sense Americans know the direction we need to take this country and that Sarah Palin will be instrumental in taking us there this year. We look forward to the journey ahead!

We are thrilled with scamming money from undereducated dolts and we look forward to conning them into giving more this year.
The transparency of Sarah Palin’s self profit motive is astounding. Think about this for a moment. Every time we hear a news story about Palin since she quit on the people of Alaska, it involves the mention of money.The unjustified money she collected from Alaskan taxpayers for her children’s travel and lodging. The money her fictional novel generated. The money she charged her fans for photos at book signings. The money that Fox News will pay her as a guest host. The money she will charge for speaking at the National Tea Bagging Convention. The money she and Bristol are paid for tabloid magazine stories. Honestly, what is next?

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Life’s Been Good song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXWvKDSwvls

LIFE’S BEEN GOOD

(sung to the Joe Walsh song “Life’s Been Good”)

She built a mansion, who knows the price?
It clashes with all the snow and the ice
But she loves hotels and room service calls
She has SarahPAC pay for it all

That Palin’s crazy but she has a good time
She has nothing to do but scheme for her next dime
Life’s been good to she so far

Her snow-machine does 125
But if it crashes she won’t survive
We never see her eldest son, Track
She seems to care more for “Joe Sixpack”

She’s signing books and her fans they can’t wait
To read about her politics of hate
So she takes all the money from her fans one and all
Those fools line-up and wait in the hall

Sarah is insane and she has not a clue
She is a fool (a fool)
She has no brains because of safety schools
Life’s been good to she so far

(long but fun musical interlude)

Biden used Palin to mop up the floor
He and Obama showed Sarah the door
Shortly thereafter, she turned on McCain
Claimed that it was his fault though she was to blame

That Palin’s crazy but she has a good time
We say, “Oh, yeah” (oh, yeah)
Sarah’s “death panels’ were the year’s biggest lie
Life’s been good to she so far

Yeah, yeah, yeah

(long musical fade to end)

Rush “To Judgment” Limbaugh and the Idiot Brigade

Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off has not commented too frequently of late on the antics of the obese and drug addled Rush Limbaugh. This however, seems to be the perfect occasion to reacquaint ourselves with Limbaugh and his “Excrement In Broadcasting” program.

Limbaugh, as you may know, is the radio personality that flunked out of Southeast Missouri State University after only two semesters and one summer session. To date, he has no college degree. As we all know, however, a lack of education has never been an impediment to advancement within right wing conservative circles. Limbaugh’s educational pedigree measures up well with those of Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Joe the Plumber (we have not yet been able to determine the educational background of Joe Sixpack).

He also likes to ruminate on morality and family values. And if anyone knows a lot about families through sheer personal experience, it’s Limbaugh. He has been married three times. As for morality, he used to enjoy spouting off about the necessity of drug offenders receiving stiff jail sentences. That all changed, however, in 2006 when he surrendered to Palm Beach County (Florida) officials on charges of doctor shopping as the result of his own drug addiction to oxycodone and hydrocodone. He did everything within his power to avoid just such a sentence. Speaking of stiff sentences, let’s not forget that in June of 2006 he was detained by drug enforcement officials at Palm Beach International Airport when he attempted to bring a bottle of Viagra (the prescription was in somebody else’s name, by the way) into the country.

Limbaugh’s latest misguided, non-sensicle on-air tirade was directed at guess who? You got it, President Barack Obama. Remember last month when the druggie criticized Obama for taking too long (mind you, it was only 3 days) to make a statement regarding the Underwear Bomber? Well, this week he has taken the opposite tact. He is now criticizing the President for speaking out too soon on the Haiti disaster. He said,

I want you to remember it took him three days, three days to respond to the Christmas day fruit of kaboom bomber. Three days and when he came out after those three days he was clearly irritated that he had to do it. He didn’t want to do it. He comes out here in less than twenty-four hours to speak about Haiti. (cut to sound clip pf president). This is what he lives for. He lives for serving those in misery… I don’t have the whole press conference but I wonder did he apologize for America before acknowledging we are the only people on earth that can possibly help them out down there. In any significant way.

Limbaugh is in dire need of psychological help. Does he have no sense of perspective? Does he not realize that although it was a dangerous and significant event, the attempted Christmas day bombing was luckily thwarted with no loss of life, while the Haiti earthquake killed thousands and has left millions clinging to life? Furthermore, where did he get the egocentric idea that the United States is the only country on earth that can possibly help them out?

Perhaps Roger Ebert said it best in his open letter to Limbaugh which was published on his website Rogerebert.com. Here it is:

To: Rush Limbaugh
From: Roger Ebert

You should be horse-whipped for the insult you have paid to the highest office of our nation.

Having followed President Obama’s suggestion and donated money to the Red Cross for relief in Haiti, I was offended to hear you suggest the President might be a thief capable of stealing money intended for the earthquake victims.

Here is a transcript from your program on Thursday:

Justin of Raleigh, North Carolina: “Why does Obama say if you want to donate some money, you could go to whitehouse.gov to direct you how to do so? If I wanted to donate to the Red Cross, why do I have to go to the White House page to donate?”

Limbaugh: “Exactly. Would you trust the money’s gonna go to Haiti?”

Justin: “No.”

Rush: “But would you trust that your name’s gonna end up on a mailing list for the Obama people to start asking you for campaign donations for him and other causes?”

Justin: “Absolutely!”

Limbaugh: “Absolutely!”

That’s what was said.

Unlike you and Justin of Raleigh, I went to Obama’s web site, and discovered the link there leads directly to the Red Cross. I can think of a reason why anyone might want to go via the White House. That way they can be absolutely sure they’re clicking on the Red Cross and not a fake site set up to exploit the tragedy.

But let me be sure I have this right. You and Justin agree that Obama might steal money intended for the Red Cross to help the wretched of Haiti.

This conversation came 48 hours after many of us had seen pitiful sights from Port au Prince. Tens of thousands are believed still alive beneath the rubble. You twisted their suffering into an opportunity to demean the character of the President of the United States.

This cannot have been an accident. A day earlier, in a sound bite from your show, you said “this will play right into Obama’s hands. He’s humanitarian, compassionate. They’ll use this to burnish their, shall we say, ‘credibility’ with the black community — in the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It’s made-to-order for them.”

Setting aside your riff on Harry Reid, consider what you imply. Obama will aid Haiti to please African-Americans. Haiti has lost untold thousands of lives. One third of the population has lost its homes. Countless people are still buried in the rubble. Every American president would act quickly to help our neighbor. You are so cynical and heartless as to explain Obama’s action in a way that unpleasantly suggests how your mind works.

You have a sizable listening audience. You apparently know how to please them. Anybody given a $400 million contract must know what he is doing.

That’s what offends me. You know exactly what you’re doing.

This is a perfect example of how Limbaugh and the rest of the right-wing idiot brigade will say anything to discredit Barack Obama no matter how commendable his actions may be. And they sound stupid while doing it.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE AND PLEA FOR HELP !!!

As many of you know, this Tuesday January 19th is the date of the special election to fill Ted Kennedy’s Massachusetts Senate Seat. There has not been a Republican elected to a Massachusetts seat since 1972, but the G.O.P. has gone “All In” on this race and it is presently a toss up. The Democratic Party candidate, Martha Coakley (currently the Massachusetts Attorney General) is clinging to a razor thin lead in the polls but the momentum has swung to the Republican. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this race. Health care reform hangs in the balance. If Martha Coakley does not capture the Senate seat, the Democrats will lose their filibuster-proof 60 votes and the health care reform bill will not survive the Senate vote after reconciliation. Let me repeat, if Martha Coakley does not capture the Senate seat, the Democrats will lose their filibuster-proof 60 votes and the health care reform bill will not survive the Senate vote after reconciliation.

Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off has never asked any of you fellow Rocketeers to make a financial donation of any kind to any cause in the past and we hope that we will never feel the need to do so again. That being said, we are begging you to make a contribution (no matter how small it may be or what state you might be from) to the Martha Coakley campaign immediately. The well funded Republican national interest groups are flooding the  Brown campaign with contributions to get out the vote. We owe it to our nation to match their efforts. Please, please, please, please make a contribution today to:

Martha Coakley

Democrat For U.S. Senate

Marthacoakley.com

We thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation,

Lynnrockets

Finally, Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off would like to wish everyone a Happy Martin Luther King Day! Please do something nice for someone today.

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Puff The Magic Dragon song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wik2uc69WbU&feature=related

RUSH THE TRAGIC MAGGOT

(sung to the Peter, Paul and Mary song “Puff The Magic Dragon”)

Rush the tragic maggot lives by the sea
Was born in 1951 in a state called Missouri
Limbaugh’s education went down in a flush
He made it two semesters and his family kept it hush, oh

Rush the tragic maggot had an injury
It was a pilonidal cyst in a place he could not see
Rush the magic maggot petitioned his country
Then they deemed him too unfit for the military

Therefore he did not travel off to the Ho Chi Minh Trail
Limbaugh the rabid chickenhawk was deemed to be too frail
So he became a disc jockey and pursued his fame
Alas he was a failure as his music taste was lame, oh

Rush the tragic maggot found ABC
And began his talk radio stint shilling for the G.O.P.
Rush the tragic maggot tried football on Monday
But when he showed his racist trait they canned his ass hastily

The maggot talks forever and his voice sure annoys
Calls his listeners “ditto heads” while he’s making noise
Rush thinks that he matters and is gen’rally adored
Poor Rush does not realize he’s like a mouse that roars

The mike that he speaks into bigger, than his brain
His brain-dead thoughtless audience is his gravy train
“Operation Chaos” failed in a big way
Despite all Rush’s efforts the Dems won running away, oh

Rush the tragic maggot lives happily
He doctor shops his days away and frequents pharmacies
Rush the tragic maggot loves his Oxy-C
And when he’s feeling a bit down, there’s the blue pill known as “V”

Last Call For Sarah Palin !!!

Sarah Palin "Going Rogue" on New Year's Eve

Let’s get ready to rumble !!! In this corner, wearing a beehive hairdo, a Victoria’s Secret bra and “Arctic Cat” trunks, we have the “Duchess of Death Panels”, the “Queen of Quitting”, the “Alaska Disastah”, Sarah Palin. In the opposite corner wearing no trunks at all but covering himself with a Koho hockey stick, we have the “Talkshow Teen”, the “Wasilla Drillah”, the “Condomless Kid”, Levi Johnston. Get ready for the Battle of the New Year. Palin vs. Johnston  2010 !!! At the sound of the gavel they will come out testifying !!!

What better way to close out year 2009 and commence 2010 than to watch the Palin clan’s dirty laundry aired in public in the form of a juicy custody battle? Levi Johnston, the teenaged father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild, Tripp, has already won the pre-fight competition by means of having the Marquess of Queensberry Rules discarded and replaced with the Alaska Rules of Probate Procedure. Additionally, despite fierce opposition from Team Palin, Johnston has convinced the court to make all proceedings open to the public and to use the legal names of all litigants rather than pseudonyms. Sarah Palin of course, would rather have had her patented Cone of Silence and Secrecy utilized in an effort to facilitate her uncivil backroom dealings and to hide everything from the pesky “mainstream media”. The Court however, would have none of the high-falootin’ Palin’s pre-trial shenanigans, opting instead to apply the same judicial procedure and standards that everyday common-folk must abide by.

The stakes for this Battle Royale are high. Hanging in the balance of this custody battle is baby Tripp’s upbringing. Should Team Palin claim victory, daughter/mother Bristol and the clan will have sole legal custody of the child. They will have free reign to raise him as a true “Palin child” with little to no adult supervision, no requirement of regular school attendance and a role as a stage prop at all of Grandma’s self-promoting publicity stunts. On the other hand should Levi Johnston prevail in court, he will have secured the right to joint legal custody of his son. In that case, the non-requirement of school attendance will be reinforced, the child will learn the valuable skill of being partially fatherless as Levi travels the country on the talkshow circuit and most likely on a book tour of his own and he will have the benefit of occasionally being supervised by a convicted criminal (by the way, was Tripp named after his paternal grandmother?).

This kid hasn’t got a chance. Poor Tripp might be better off if the court awards custody to a caring set of foster parents.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Same Auld Lang Syne song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NmdFgFyhnk

SAME OLD LAME WHINE

(sung to the Dan Fogelberg song “Same Auld Lang Syne”)

Met Sarah Palin at a Walmart store
She was shoplifting like a thief
There was no sign of kids or the “First Dude”
‘Cuz Sarah brings home the beef

I recoiled from her aging face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She knew I saw the moose meat in her purse
And then she just fibbed and lied

I said I was not a security man
And then Sarah Palin was glad
She lacked any sense of embarrassment
At the thought that she was bagged

I asked if we could have a drink or two
Cuz she was such a rising star
We met “Joe Sixpack” at the liquor store
And we three went to a bar

We drank a toast to ignorance
We drank a toast to Mao
She tried to explain her head’s emptiness
But she did not know how

She said she’s married to a derelict
Who can’t keep a job if he tried
She would have like to say she loved the man
But she couldn’t stand the guy

I said “death panels” were the end for her
That she could turn a Red-State Blue
And did she fear her would-be son-in-law?
She just said, “Lynn, F_ _ _  you”

She said she hated all the pro-choice whores
And that she hoped they’d go to Hell
I asked if Coulter was a “he” or “she”?
Palin said she could not tell

She toasted her omnipotence
And asked us all to bow
I said, “so long and good riddance,
I must be leaving now”

Then one last toast to ignorance
Cuz it was closing time
She lacks a sense of eloquence
But has that old lame whine

The beers were empty and our tongues were tired
Another book signing today
She put her hat on and hopped on her broom
And I watched her fly away

She graduated from a “safety school”
So she has no-one else to blame
There’s no intelligence inside her dome
That’s why she is so lame.