Ding, Dong The Witch Is Dead!

Sarah Palin has finally confirmed what everybody already knew. On Wednesday she announced that she will not be running for President of the United States in 2012. Pretty much everybody except Palin already knew this in light of the fact that virtually every poll since last year indicated that vastly more people would reject her campaign than would support it. The plurality of Democrats, Republicans, Independents and even Tea Partiers have time and again sent the message that they had lost all interest in a Palin candidacy. Sarah Palin’s 15 minutes of fame lasted three years, but like all vapid and talentless celebrities, she was unable to maintain relevance and serious interest for too long. She had become a caricature of herself. Yesterday’s announcement sounded the death knell for Palin’s future political career and it will also most likely end her sideshow job as a Fox News commentator. In short, Sarah Palin is no longer the “It” girl and she never will regain that title again.

It seems fitting that Sarah Palin chose the Halloween season to announce the end of her career as a person of interest. She is after all, sort of a blundering, stumbling man-made monster. Just three short years ago almost nobody had ever heard of Sarah Palin. The G.O.P. was led by such familiar names as Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, a resurgent Newt Gingrich and the actor Fred Thompson. Then the unexpected happened. Somehow the centrist John McCain won the Republican Presidential nomination. McCain however, was trailing Democrat Barack Obama by such a wide margin that he was forced to do something drastic in order to draw some attention to his campaign. Much like the literary Dr. Frankenstein, McCain was compelled to create some life from scratch. He stitched together some uber-right-wing conservatism, some female DNA, some down-home colloquialisms, a beehive hairdo and some rimless glasses. His handmade creation was Sarah Palin.

Much like Dr. Frankentein’s monster however, the McCain creation also suffered from some fatal flaws. They both had a damaged brain. Each became stronger and more identifiable than its creator. Both wreaked havoc on society and in the end, the Frankenstein monster and Sarah Palin each turned against their respective creators and embarked on a reign of terror.

The Palin thing was alive, ALIVE! This 21st century mindless monster quit her job as Governor and stumbled out of the wilds of Alaska on her way to the Lower 48. Unable to master the written word, the pathetic creature hired a ghostwriter to pen her fictitious memoir. Unable to master the spoken word, Palin turned to Twitter and Facebook as her means of communication. Unable to appear human on television, she was forced to appear repeatedly on Fox News. The thing that became known as PALIN  sowed fear into the hearts of all uneducated conservatives with her horrific tales of “death panels”, the godless land of Russia that she could see by means of her super-human vision and of her arch enemy, the would-be monster slayer, author Joe McGinniss.

Unlike the Frankenstein monster however, the Palin thing began to amass a large and adoring following. Sure, these devotees were comprised of racist, white, uneducated homophobes from the lowest rung of the food chain, but beggars can’t be choosers. The Palin thing’s fan base became known as the Tea Party (presumably because some mind-altering hallucinogen was slipped into their tea). These Tea-Baggers are a mindless lot that confusingly wants no government control over their government controlled Medicare and Social Security benefits. They hate the Obama administration because of his fictitious tax increases despite the fact that over 95% of them have actually benefited from the President’s middle class tax cuts. The Tea-Baggers crowned the Palin thing as their de facto queen.

The Palin thing’s Tea Party royalty status is the biggest problem for the creature’s former party.  Before John McCain’s monster was created, the whacko Tea-Baggers were all firmly entrenched members of the Republican Party. They voted in lockstep for every Republican they could find thereby ensuring at least some electoral success for the party. The creation of the Palin thing has changed all of that. The Tea-Baggers are now actively seeking candidates from within their own super-radical ranks. These Tea Party candidates are so out of the mainstream that they oppose meaningful portions of the Civil Rights Act (Rand Paul). They hope to privatize Social Security (Rand Paul, Michele Bachmann), criminalize the consumption of alcohol (Sharron Angle), deregulate the oil industry (despite the Gulf oil spill) (Ron Paul), abolish the Dept. of Education (too many to name here), ban masturbation (Christine O’Donnell) and even remove fluoride from the nation’s water supply (Sharron Angle). This is crazy stuff that has drawn votes away from Republicans in favor of unelectable radicals and the Palin thing adds to the chaos by endorsing these candidates.

Like the legendary Frankenstein monster however, the Palin-thing quickly outwore her welcome. She attacked everything in sight and damaged everything she came in contact with (like American history for instance). She engaged in verbal battles and name-calling with former allies like Karl Rove, Meghan McCain and even Fox News co-workers Bill O’Reilly and Megyn Kelly. She stole the spotlight from actual GOP presidential candidates by “coincidentally” giving speeches in early primary states on the exact same dates that the candidates were speaking. She even committed the unforgivable sin of appearing on a realty television program which is the modern-day nursing home for washed up celebrities. She was out of control and most every American finally realized that THE PALIN THING MUST BE DESTROYED!

First the mainstream Republicans avoided Palin whenever they could. Next, the radically conservative radio talk show hosts began poking fun at her absurdity. Soon thereafter, the general public grew tired of her and attacked her with diminishing poll results. Finally, even her most loyal supporters, the Tea Party members, abandoned ship after Palin continued to demand their monetary donations without rewarding their support with any indication that she would seek political office. All of America finally gathered up their pitchforks and torches so as to put and end to Sarah Palin once and for all.

With her announcement yesterday, Sarah Palin spared the masses the unpleasant task of putting her down. The former ex-quitting half-term governor did “the honorable thing” and ended her own political existence. America can now concern itself with extinguishing the nine remaining mini-monsters that comprise the field of Republican presidential candidates.

In memory of the Palin-thing let’s take one last look at some of her greatest hits.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu7hxguhFfI

ALASKAN PIE (Version Two)

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Karl Rove sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Tea Baggers for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still “go with the flow”?
How soon before Fox News says, “You must go”?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for three years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has-been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Legal problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
You’re a joker on the sidelines, little lass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit the race and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the people beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Let’s hope that he’s not jokin’
The “barracuda’s” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
Today her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
Your “death panel” fib was deemed two-oh-nine’s best lie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Advertisements

Posted on October 6, 2011, in Sarah Palin and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. A Servant’s Heart

    “I need to be able to say what I want to say.”

    The hillbilly grifter won’t be seeking the GOP nomination because she loves freedom too much to allow herself to be shackled– everybody knows that Republican contenders aren’t free to blurt out the first stupid thing that gets into their heads.

  2. Job Creators

    Republican politicians rally behind Palin: vow to continue her “quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people.”

    http://gawker.com/5847231/florida-lawmaker-wants-to-repeal-dwarf+tossing-ban

  3. Excellento post Lynnrockets. Today’s topical song parody gets FIVE STARS…well done you were truly inspired.

    also, too http://www.frumforum.com/palin-already-almost-forgotten

    “Over the past three years, it became apparent to all but a handful of cultists that her only interests were money and celebrity. She had no concept of public service, and no capacity to serve even if she had wished to do so. Soon even those last cultists will quietly abandon the argument. We talk often these days about makers and takers. Sarah Palin was the ultimate taker. She abandoned her post as governor of Alaska to cash in on lectures and TV. She squeezed her supporters for political donations and spent the money on herself. To adapt an old phrase, she seen her opportunities and she took ‘em.”

  4. Should’ve sent more money, everyone!

    Meanwhile, a writer at Conservatives4Palin has come up with the real explanation for Palin to take everyone’s money and attention and lives for several years and then decide not to run for president.

    http://gawker.com/5847370/how-sarah-palin-diehards-are-taking-her-decision-not-to-run

  5. WOW! Lynnrockets that poem song says it all.
    You’re a poet and you don’t know it.

  6. You are a Poet, and I know it, lynnrockets!

    Grifter Granny, the LYING FRAUD: Orange jumpsuit, orange jumpsuit, orange jumpsuit, please oh please oh please.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: