Truth Be Told: It’s Not Sarah Palin’s Alaska – (Updated)

The Learning Channel (now known as TLC because there’s not much learnin’ goin’ on there) chose a dubious title for its newest and lamest reality show. “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” might give viewers the impression that the former ex-quitting half-term Governor is popular in her home state. Such is not the case. In fact, Sarah Palin is probably more unpopular than most any other Alaskan of note, with the possible exception of Teapublican Senate candidate Joe Miller.

Consider this. Back in 2008 when John McCain foolishly chose her as his running mate, Palin was marketed as the most popular governor in the nation. The G.O.P. claimed that her popularity was credited to the fact that she was an “outsider” who had toppled Alaska’s “establishment” politicians. In essence, the Republicans branded Palin as a fresh face with no negative personal history and an unbreakable commitment to conservative policy and practice. Such a characterization would have been appealing to most Republicans … if only it was true.

When the national spotlight fell upon Sarah Palin’s beauty-pageant-tested visage, it revealed a plethora of unsightly blemishes that were previously hidden even from most Alaskans. Palin was running around the country telling voters that she was against federal earmarks such as the now infamous “Bridge to Nowhere”. She boasted that she told the feds “thanks, but no thanks” for its funding. Media scrutiny however, revealed that in fact, she “was for it before she was against it”. Next, Alaskans and the nation learned that the “abstinence only” advocating Palin had an unwed pregnant teen-aged daughter. Soon thereafter, a video surfaced of the “born again” Palin having demons cast from her body. This was followed by the media revealing that she inquired as to how books could be banned from a public library and how she and her husband attempted to have a state trooper (who happened to be her estranged former brother-in-law) fired as retribution for a family squabble. The media then discovered that husband Todd was (and Sarah Palin may have been) a member of a political party who’s stated purpose is to have Alaska secede from the United States of America. Very strange and unsavory stuff.

As each campaign day passed, more and more was revealed about the previously unknown Palin and it was not pretty. We learned that it took her six years at five sub-par colleges to earn a mere bachelors degree. We questioned the authenticity of that degree when we witnessed her inarticulate answers to questions on nationally televised interviews and at the Vice Presidential Debate. We learned that the educationally challenged candidate mothered two children that were school drop-outs. It got worse by the day and thankfully (for Palin and the nation), November 4th came along and she and McCain were crushed at the polls by Barack Obama and “Do you mind if I call you Joe” Biden.

The nation was saved, but the same could not be said of Alaska. The dejected and now bitterly scornful Palin limped back to her home state to complete her term as governor. Or did she? Many Alaskans were upset that they too learned a lot about Sarah Palin that they did not like. As they looked deeper into her governorship, they learned of things like the fact that she collected per-diem pay for living and working at home and seldom darkened the door of the state capital. She took her children, at taxpayer expense, on many unnecessary trips. One by one the ethics complaints filed against Sarah Palin began to pile up. The bloom had come off the Palin rose and Sarah knew it. So what did Palin do? Did she suck it up, change her ways and continue to govern as best she could? Not quite. Instead, she abruptly quit the position in July of 2009 after only having served half of one term.

Perhaps Sarah Palin did not get the memo, but most voters consider it an insult to up and quit the position that they recently voted you into. Her approval rating in Alaska plummeted. For the first time, when Palin made public appearances in Alaska, demonstrators began to show up with derogatory signs. Heck, even her next door neighbor contacted the author that was writing a scathing book about Palin and offered her house to him so that he would have close proximity to his subject. Ouch!

Somehow things are still getting worse. This campaign season Sarah Palin elected to buck both the national and Alaskan Republican Party by endorsing a Tea Party candidate for Lisa Murkowski’s Alaskan U.S. Senate seat. Surprisingly, Palin’s candidate (Joe Miller) defeated Palin’s enemy Murkowski in the Republican primary. Murkowski however, tore a page from the Palin handbook and decided to “Reload, Not Retreat”. She launched a write-in candidacy and turned fiercely against both Miller and Palin. The moderate Republicans, Independents and even some Democrats responded favorably. The one thing that these disparate voters had in common was a unified opposition to Palin and Miller. Consequently, on November 2, 2010 they turned out en masse and may have elected the first write-in candidate to the U.S. Senate since 1954. No small feat.

Tasting imminent electoral victory, Murkowski went on the offensive against Palin on Monday when she told CBS that Palin is not worldly enough for the nation’s highest office. More specifically she said,

“I just do not think that she has those leadership qualities, that intellectual curiosity that allows for building good and great policies. You know, she was my governor for two years. And I don’t think that she enjoyed governing.”

To add insult to Palin’s injury, Murkowski signaled that if elected, she will repay moderates, Independants and even those Democrats that voted for her by not voting strictly with her party. She said,

“I will tell you, I am not one of those who wants Obama to fail. If he does well, that means the country’s doing well. We don’t have time as a nation to spend all of what we do blocking. We have got to figure out how we get to a point where we can be sitting around the table and talking about these difficult problems and advancing some solutions.”

Take that, Sarah Palin! Even a Republican Senator from your home state disavows your unpopular political positions. No. it clearly is not “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”!

UPDATE

Sometimes we can’t make this stuff up. Watch Gretchen Carlson of Fox News describe Sarah Palin as “self defecating” rather than “self deprecating”. Bwa ha ha ha ha ! Does that mean that Palin craps all over herself?


Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U

ALASKAN PIE

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Levi sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Alaskans for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still “go with the flow”?
And can Todd’s sister score me some good blow?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for two years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has-been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Ethics problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
When you’re starring in a demon cleansing mass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit her job and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the voters beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Sherry Johnston was tokin’
The “barracuda” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
That day her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

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Posted on November 17, 2010, in Sarah Palin, Songs and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. “And your background boys were making turkey head pie”.

    Is today the anniversary of that famous massacre?

    Great work on this post, lynnrockets.

  2. Sisterhood of the flying tomatoes

    Peggy Noonan had the cojones to call Palin an ignorant nincompoop. Sen. Susan Collins manned-up, saying “I think she likes being a celebrity commentator for Fox. It’s a lot easier to charge people up than to actually govern.” Now Murkowski is buckling up her man-pants.

    Anything to spare Rove from being accused by Palin of being soft and impotent!

  3. “Sometimes we can’t make this stuff up. Watch Gretchen Carlson of Fox News describe Sarah Palin as “self defecating” rather than “self deprecating”. Bwa ha ha ha ha ! Does that mean that Palin craps all over herself?”

    I think the answer is “yeah” (since she did that famous Turkey Massacre on her own volition)….and then her home-schooled kids do, also, too.

  4. Fantastic post and lyrics!

    Bristol made it to the finals of DWTS and apparently one gentleman in Wisconsin had a REAL problem with that:

    http://theimmoralminority.blogspot.com/2010/11/angered-that-bristol-palin-is-still-on.html

    OK, scary that the guy has access to firearms, but still pretty funny story.

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