Daily Archives: September 26, 2010
Just a few newsworthy events (and comments thereon) that have been making their way through the political universe this past week. Please ponder and maybe chuckle a bit before enjoying a wonderful day!
BREAKING NEWS: Last week Alexandra Petri of The Washington Post provided the top 10 reasons Christine O’Donnell might be a real witch.
- If you put her in water, she floats! So does everyone, but that’s the same criteria they used at the Salem witch trials, and they seemed to know what they were talking about.
- She gets better-looking as time passes. Everyone else who was prominent in the ’90s came straggling out, broken and crinkled, muttering something about Vanilla Ice. Not O’Donnell. She’s like the Dorian Gray of political candidates. Witch.
- Christine is a member of the Tea Party. One thing I know about tea is that, if you expose it to water, it dissolves. This is what the witch did in The Wizard of Oz. Witch.
- Christine O’Donnell says gays suffer from identity disorder. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia believes that gays are not protected against discrimination under the 14th amendment, and he spends all his time wandering around in a black robe and cackling, so maybe that’s witch code. Maybe they’re in the same not-coven.
- Witches use lots of made-up words, such as “hocus pocus” and “wingardium leviosa.” Christine O’Donnell coins her own words and phrases, too, such as “unfactual” and “republican cannibalism.” Witch.
- Christine O’Donnell once went on a date to a “satanic altar.” Hasn’t everyone? You know your date’s going badly when he draws a pentagram on the table with sushi and insists “The Sacrifice Occurs Now.” That’s usually when I go to the bathroom and stay there. If my date comes and knocks on the door, I shout, “I’ve fallen in! Don’t come after me! I’m in a better place!” That’s not a witch thing. That’s a dating thing. Unless “satanic altar” is a metaphor for something. In that case, witch.
- In “Wicked,” a musical about witches, the witch Elphaba sings a song about defying gravity, a natural impulse that it is impossible to resist without magic. Christine O’Donnell opposes masturbation.
- She said she had a college degree, and then it disappeared, and then it reappeared! Magic! Witch!
- Joe Scarborough once asked her if she was going to stop the whole country from having sex. She responded: “Yes.” Clearly, anyone with that much confidence in her powers must possess abilities beyond the ken of traditional humans. Witch.
- She says she’s a common-sense conservative who is part of the real America. She promises to make government smaller, not raise taxes and bring values back to Washington. That would require magic. If she says she can deliver on that promise, then — witch!
Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.
God Bless The U.S.A. song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-9_fDEsv-Q
PROUD TO BE A REPUBLICAN
(sung to the Lee Greenwood song “God Bless The U.S.A.”)
If tomorrow all my brains were gone
And I was just plant life
With a feeding tube shoved in
Against the wishes of my wife
I’d thank my lucky stars the G.O.P. had their way
And curtailed my family’s freedom
Made them watch me waste away
Boy, I’m proud to be a Republican
Like Huckabee and Romney
And I won’t forget Glenn Beck who cried
Right there on Fox TV
Cuz they’ll gladly stand up next to you
And berate your union pay
I just love those hate filled flames they fan
They hate the U.S.A.
Bachmann hates in Minnesota
Alaska has Sarah P.
Rick Perry down in Texas
They’re in the Tea Party
Not Detroit nor in Boston
Too liberal, black and gay
There’s no soul in any Republican heart
And they love it just that way
Yes, I’m proud to be a Republican
Just like Rush and Hannity
And I love the facts they do deny
Right there on Fox TV
And I’ll gladly stand up next to you
And castigate Tina Fey
Cuz I never doubt those Red State men
No matter what they say
Oh, I’m proud to be a Republican
As I sit here sipping tea
Palin’s “death panels” can’t be denied
They say on Fox TV
Sarah sends a Twitter – text to you
Six or seven times a day
It’s Republicans that love this land
In our per-ver-ted way!