Daily Archives: July 4, 2010

Independent Thoughts On Independence Day

Fireworks over Boston

First of all, Lynnrockets’ Blast-Off would like to wish all of you a very happy Independence Day. Now let’s get to it…

BREAKING NEWS: One has to wonder about all the doom and gloom surrounding the June 2010 employment statistics. This week the Bureau of Labor Statistics released data that indicates that the nation added 83,000 jobs last month. The mainstream pundits went apopleptic and decried the figure as being miserable because May’s numbers were so much higher (as the result of temporary government census jobs). But take a step back for a moment and remember that when George W. Bush left office, we were losing 700,000 jobs per month. In other words, the nation was bleeding uncontrollably. We are now adding jobs and I can assure you that each of those 83,000 new hires is happier with the direction the economy is headed now rather than during Bush’s term.

THIS JUST IN: This week’s edition of “Don’t Let The Facts Get In The Way Of A Good Story” features Republican National Committee (RNC) Chairman Michael Steele who said that Afghanistan is an unwinnable war of Obama’s choosing. Was he the guy in the film that rhetorically asked if the Americans quit when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

BREAKING NEWS: This week’s episode of “No, Actually You Heard That Correctly” features Fox News host Glenn Beck. The non-college educated, drug addict, philandering Beck has announced the creation of his very own online college to be known as Beck University. Beck’s website states:

This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom – from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.

Offered exclusively to Insider Extreme subscribers, Beck University is a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics. Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of Faith, Hope and Charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future.

The Philadelphia Daily News says, “Unlike Harvard or Yale, where Beck was a half-term (sound familiar?) student in one theology course after his ex-friend Joe Lieberman pulled some strings, Beck U. is strictly a profit deal. Only by paying Glenn Beck Inc. to become an extreme insider ($9.95 a month, or $74.95) can you enroll on Beck’s pseudo-cyber-campus. How else do you think Beck expects to sell that $4.25 million manse and move into bigger digs?

THIS JUST IN: This week’s episode of “The Truth Hurts” features Lindsey Graham. South Carolina’s Republican Senator told The New York Times this week, that “The problem with the Tea Party, I think its just unsustainable because they can never come up with a coherent vision of governing the country. It will die out.” Be careful Lindsey, you have now become the target of a multitude of misspelled signs.

BREAKING NEWS: This week’s edition of “The Worst President Of The Modern Era” features George W. Bush. ThinkProgress.org reports, “Since 1982, the Siena Research Institute has polled presidential scholars on whom they view to be best and worst presidents in American history, based on a variety of issues from “integrity” to economic stewardship. This year’s poll of 238 scholars found that President Franklin Roosevelt was once again ranked on top, joined by Presidents Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington, and Teddy Roosevelt to complete the top five. However, President George W. Bush did not fare well since the last poll was conducted in 2002. He dropped 16 places to 39th, making him the worst president since Warren Harding died in office in 1923, and one of the bottom five of all time.” Ouch. To add insult to the Republican Party’s injury, the list showed that Bill Clinton is ranked higher than Ronald Reagan. Oh, the humanity!

THIS JUST IN: This week’s edition of “Is That A Potato In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To Meet Me” features Sarah Palin and the guy in the blue shirt about 46 seconds into the video. Lynnrockets would like to thank readers nswfm and Pat in MA for bringing this to our attention.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

American Pie song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U

ALASKAN PIE

(sung to the Don McLean song “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
Palin’s slutty flight attendant style
And when she blew her only chance
With John McCain in the Big Dance
In light of the pregnancy of her child

In February she did shiver
When Levi sold her down the river
Bad news at her doorstep
She didn’t have no more pep

The allegations she denied
Of all those gifts that she did hide
She took Alaskans for a ride
As she cajoled and lied

So bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Did you quit the job you love
After talking with God up above?
Did the good Lord tell you so?
Are you still pals with Plumber Joe?
Do dead fish still go with the flow?
And can Todd’s sister score me some good blow?

Well you know that your prospects are grim
’cause you’re way way out there on a limb
You’re sure to have the blues
Man, you screwed up those interviews

You’re just a lonely mid-aged “hockey mom”
With real deep frustration and a man that’s dumb
You’re just a third rate school alum
Today your future died

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Now for two years all you did was drone
Remember Sarkozy on the phone?
But just what will your future be?
Will you pester us like a has been queen?
Will you pout and whine like a spoiled teen?
In a voice that sounds so shrill and mean,

Oh, and when you leave Wasilla town
Take along your beauty pageant crown
And bridges that you burned
Oh, please never return
And those hits you took will leave some marks
A “Barracuda” is no shark
And you were always in the dark
Today your future died

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Helter skelter you are sure to swelter
The ice in your veins may even melt-ah
Ethics problems coming fast
You’re landing hard on your ass
No throwing stones in a house of glass
When you’re starring in a demon cleansing mass

Now your thinning hair reeks with perfume
You’re a spaceman cuz you see the moon
Your fans would shout and dance
Oh, to your “drill baby drill” chants!
Katie Couric made you squirm and squeal
And that was when your fate was sealed
Do you recall what was revealed
The day your future died?

We started singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Oh, and then that look upon your face
Not knowing a Supreme Court case
Forget about the Bush Doctrine
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick
Sarah Palin’s no “Maverick”
Cuz she’s just a “Barbie” to Todd’s “Ken”

As we watched you on that debate stage
Your hands were clenched in fists of rage
Everyone then could tell
You were praying for the bell
And as you hoped that you could land a right,
To salvage something of the night
We saw Biden laughing with delight
That day your future died

Joe was singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

Palin’s a girl who has the blues
And she cannot handle interviews
She quit her job and walked away
She could not take it any more
She hightailed it right out the door
Just like a scared child, she up and ran away

And in the streets the voters beamed,
The good Lord had fulfilled their dreams
Sherry Johnston was tokin’
The “barracuda” broken
We did not really want to boast
But “Mama Bear” was finally toast
She’ll write about it through her ghost
That day her future died.

And we were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

We were singing
Bye-bye Miss Alaska bye-bye
You were shady and darn lazy
With a crazy beehive
And your background boys were making turkey head pie
Then you quit on the third day of July
Quit on the third day of July

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