Beck Beckons Baccalaureates

Beck demonstrates his command of spelling with the word "oligarchy". OOPS!

The old adage that truth is sometimes stranger than fiction has been proven yet again. It was announced on Friday that the commencement speaker at Jerry Falwell Jr.’s Liberty University will be none other than Fox News lunatic Glenn Beck. You read that correctly. Beck is certainly up to the task considering his educational background. His college career lasted all of one course. Not one year or one semester mind you, ONE COURSE. Despite his apparent lack of education however, Glenn Beck has demonstrated over the last six months that he is a master of the chalkboard. Unfortunately, in this day and age, being the master of the chalkboard is somewhat akin to being a master of the typewriter or slide rule.

What will he say to the erstwhile future Tea-Baggers that will graduate from the reich-wing incubator known as Liberty University? For those of you not in the know, Liberty University is a private Baptist, Evangelical Christian cesspool located in Virgina, the state that recently elected to glorify its role of supporting slavery as a member of the Confederacy. The school (if you can call it that) was founded by Jerry Falwell, the racist, homophobic Teletubbie hating televangelist.

The students at Liberty University are only slightly smarter than Glenn Beck. The acceptance rate for students entering in 2009 was 96.2%; the 25th-75th SAT percentile ranges for 2008 freshmen were 430-540 for critical reading and 420-530 for math, according to U.S. News & World Report. Liberty has been ranked in the Top-10 most conservative colleges in the U.S. by Young America’s Foundation, but U.S. News & World Report currently ranks Liberty University as a Fourth Tier institution.

Perhaps Beck will dazzle his misinformed audience of future Tea-Partiers with the riveting story of his drug and alcohol abuse. Maybe he will describe how he acquired a true affection and understanding of the sanctity of “traditional marriage” as the result of all the hours of practice he put into his own multiple marriages. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at this event!!! Perhaps it will go something like this…

Please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Last Train To Clarksville song link:


(sung to the Monkees song “Last Train To Clarksville”)

Take the last train to Nutsville
Beck will meet you at the station
You can be there by four-thirty
Cuz Fox made your reservation
The Beck Show, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

Glenn lost his mind without warning
And it won’t be back again
Glenn Beck’s facing stormy weather
And it’s causing quite a strain
So, he must go, oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no
He might have a lobotomy on his dome.
Take the last train to Nutsville
Glenn Beck is their famous patient
If he’s not crying he’ll blow some kisses
But don’t attempt conversation
Oh… oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!

Take the last train to Nutsville
That’s where Glenn Beck now calls home
We can’t hear him making noisy
Conversation all alone
He’s feelin’ low. Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!
And I don’t think that Glenn’s ever coming home.

Take the last train to Nutsville
Take the last train to Nutsville
(repeat and fade)


Posted on April 26, 2010, in Fox News, Glenn Beck, Republican, Songs, Talk Radio, Tea Party, Television, TV and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Wheel of fortune

    Bodhisattva Beck: An enlightened person or being; one who is on the road to perfect knowledge; specifically, one who foregoes his personal nirvana to stay on earth to help mankind achieve enlightenment.

    It is harder for a rich person to get to heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle? Camels? Nonsense! Jesus was an intolerant, reactionary, money-hungry, Republican right-wing twit! (Look it up).

  2. Masters of the slide rule would surely hate to be associated with this nitwit. I’m thinking Bill Gates, college dropout, would rather poke his eyes out with a fork than be associated in anyway with this lying fraud and his family of Faux Fraudcasting. I’m guessing masters of the typewriter would feel the same. This guy Beck barely qualifies as master of the cat litter box. Well done, Liberty “University.”

  3. Great article; the title alone with all the amazing alliteration was absolutely awesome amigo.

    I also wrote about this at my blog as well, check it out and leave a comment…let me know what you think.

  4. I’m sorry to disagree on a technicality because I fully agree with your sentiments.

    However, mastery of slide rules are far beyond Beck’s mental level. Slide rules, after all, involve advanced mathematical notions like {gasp} decimal points and {woot woot} logarithms! Such concepts are much more difficult to master than simple 3rd grade spelling requirements.

    Speaking of Beck’s difficulties with spelling, I can’t imagine what anything typed on a standard typewriter by Beck would look like. Nor how long it would take Beck to type an error free page of simple text. I suspect 10 WPM would be overly optimistic.

    Nope. I’m afraid “Master of the Chalkboard” is the least demanding of the skills you mentioned. I’m afraid the real problem is that Beck’s skillset is so very bad that mention of any skill simply credits Beck with more than is there.

    In my opinion, Beck had as little substance as cotton candy and what substance is there is composed of thoughtless {null content} hate driven aphorisms.

    I feel rather sorry for the Liberty University student body.

    • You and nswfm are both correct. I was not referring to the skills required to use a slide rule or typewriter, however. We can all agree that neither Beck nor Liberty students possess those skills. I was simply comparing Beck’s chalkboard to the typewriter and slide rule as tools that have been somewhat supplanted by newer technology.

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