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Sarah Palin – Reprise

As the result of a death in our family, we are taking a little bit of a break from posting substantive posts for the next few days. But that is no reason to skip out on some fun columns and song parodies from the past. This one is from November 19, 2009. Please enjoy again!

Sarah Palin, The Sometimes Reluctant Covergirl

There she goes again. Sarah Palin, the former ex-quitting governor of Alaska is once again claiming to be a victim of the mainstream media. This time the target of her accusation is the November 22, 2oo9 edition of Newsweek magazine (see above). On Monday, Palin posted the following on her Facebook page:

“The choice of photo for the cover of this week’s Newsweek is unfortunate. When it comes to Sarah Palin, this ‘news’ magazine has relished focusing on the irrelevant rather than the relevant. The out-of-context Newsweek approach is sexist, and oh-so-expected by now.”

But is it really the photo that Ms. Quittypants is upset about for being “sexist”? After all, she did pose for that photo and never objected publicly to the nearly identical photos published this year in a running magazine. And do “sexist” magazine covers always bother her? If so, then why did she not complain about being referred to as “America’s Hottest Governor” on the cover of the February 2008 edition of Alaska magazine? No, we would venture to guess that Palin is not as upset at the photo which appears on the cover of Newsweek, but rather the caption which accompanies it. It says, “How do you solve a problem like Sarah? She’s bad news for the GOP – and for everybody else, too.” It seems that the clearly “sexist” caption of the Alaska magazine was okay for Sarah because it was flattering to her. The Newsweek photo however, was highly objectionable it seems, because the accompanying caption cast Palin in such an unflattering light.

Poor Sarah, she can’t help it. She was born with a simple mind in her mouth.

And that brings us to today’s parody. In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

Simon Says song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvzHGYSv8kw

SIMPLE SARAH SAYS

(sung to the 1910 Fruitgum Company song “Simon Says”)

She likes to play a game,
That is so much fun,
And it’s something even she can do,
The name of the game is “Simple Sarah Says”,
And she would like for you to play it too

Put style gel in your hair,
Simple Sarah says,
Lipstick on your mouth,
Simple Sarah says,
Do it when Palin says,
Simple Sarah says,
And they will vote you right out

Simple Sarah says,
Put glasses on your head,
Don some pants that stretch,
Sarah says,

Simple Sarah says,
Get Bristol out of bed,
That Levi is stiff,
Sarah says,

A beehive on your head,
Simple Sarah says,
The First Dude by your side,
Simple Sarah says,
Hate speech for the left,
Simple Sarah says,
Kind words for the right

(musical interlude)

F-me pumps that are red,
Simple Sarah says,
A gun strapped to your side,
Simple Sarah says,
Diversity left,
Simple Sarah says,
Only whites on the right

Now that we have learned,
To play this game with she,
Sarah Palin has something to do,
Let’s try it once again,
We’ll mimic Sarah P.,
But let’s do it while we’re drinking too

Go kill a polar bear,
Simple Sarah says,
Give your shoes a shine,
Simple Sarah says,
Dress yourself like a whore,
Simple Sarah says,
Ah, you’re looking fine,
Simple Sarah says,
Now, interview if you dare,
Simple Sarah says,
Mingle with the slime,
Simple Sarah says,
Get your ass out the door,
Simple Sarah says,
Make it double time

Palin’s “Cougar Crush” And Possible Divorce

This week’s episode of “Sarah Palin and her Wasilla Hillbillies” features her husband Todd Palin and her almost son-in-law Levi Johnston. Tune in to witness family intrigue as the entire cast must deal with rumors of Caribou Barbie’s infidelity and the pressures it has placed on the entire Palin clan.

The episode begins as Levi Johnston gives an interview and says that Sarah Palin had a “Cougar Crush” on him. For those of you that may be unfamiliar with that term, it  is defined by UrbanDictionary.com as follows:

“The heart fluttering sensation experienced by women of a certain age upon seeing a man of much younger years, usually sporting six-pack abs, boyish innocence, and a clear willingness to learn. Side effects include: unclean thoughts, raised hemlines, and a deep desire to take on the role of tutor.”

Check out the E Online video here.

Come to think of it, from all that we have heard about Palin, the description seems quite believable. Inasmuch as Levi was sleeping and having a having a baby with the abstinence-only preaching daughter Bristol Palin at the same time, suffice to say that there must have been a lot of sexual tension in Chez Palin.

Scene two involves the allegation that Todd “First Dude” Palin is divorcing the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska. The Enquirer reports that Todd is “fed up” with the constant scandals surrounding his marriage. The recent book written by author Joe McGinniss, The Rogue: Searching For The Real Sarah Palin reveals that Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with former NBA star Glen Rice just prior to her marriage to Todd Palin as well as a six-month affair with her husband’s business partner, Brad Hanson.

This is certainly “Must See TV” so tune in to every network (except Fox News) this week at prime-time for more salacious details.

In honor of the troops, please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody also too.

The Beverly Hillbillies song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_XAPku7SgE&feature=related

THE WASSILLA HILLBILLIES – PART 3

(sung to the theme of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)

Come and listen to a story ‘bout a gal named Sarah
Not too many brains but a whole lot of mascara.
Her hair is in a beehive and she has some lipstick too,
She tried to run for V.P. but she didn’t have a clue.

Knowledge that is,   Bush Doctrine?,    Job of V.P. ?

Well the first thing ya know Obama left her in the dust,
So she joined the Tea Party to engage in some blood-lust
She said, “The Johnston family are so dumb that they just drool”
Then daughter Bristol and Levi dropped right on out of school.

Embarrasment that is,   Birth’n Babies,    Quittin’ Jobs.

Well now its time to say good-bye to Sarah and her kin,
The First Dude and his wife have some wounds that need lick’n.
The whole Palin clan now studies the encyclopedia,
So they can handle “Gotcha Questions” from the “lamestream” media.

Couric, that is.   Charlie Gibson,    Tina Fey..

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

Palins Are Wailin’ And Flailin’ About McGinniss Book

Just one more week before author Joe McGinniss’ long-awaited “The Rogue: Searching For The Real Sarah Palin” hits the bookstores. From what we know about the book already, it is sure to have Sarah Palin, her family and supporters in full damage-control mode. But the real damage will have already been done. McGinniss’ book and Levi Johnston’s tell-all tome (“Deer In The Headlights: My Life In Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs“) will be released the same day and they will provide the uppercut and knockout blow ending any hope of a Palin run for the U.S. Presidency.

We reported on the Johnston book yesterday, so let’s spend today’s post commenting on the Joe McGinniss book. McGinniss is the investigative journalist who infamously moved in next door to the Palins during the summer of 2010 while researching his book. In an effort to shield her family from the ever watchful eye of McGinniss, Palin constructed a ridiculously high spite fence. Not only did the fence impede McGinniss’ sight lines, but it also looked terrible and probably decreased the value of the Palin property. Palin justified the fence by alleging that McGinniss was some sort of perverted peeping tom. In a contemporaneous Facebook entry, she wrote,

Wonder what kind of material he’ll gather while overlooking Piper’s bedroom…

The fence did not prevent McGinniss from gathering his facts however, and they do not paint a pretty portrait of Sarah Palin or her family. The Los Angeles Times reports the book reveals that,

Palin snorted cocaine off an overturned 55-gallon drum during a snowmobile excursion, slept with college (and later NBA) basketball star Glen Rice when she was an unmarried 23-year-old sports reporter (McGinniss talked to Rice for the book and he confirmed the relationship) and had an affair with Brad Hanson, Todd Palin‘s business partner, apparently as payback for her husband’s infidelities.

Also,  “By November 2001,”  he writes, “… Sarah’s domestic life was in tatters.… Time with friends — not that there were many friends — would degenerate into marital squabbles, raised voices, and frequent threats of divorce. A recurring cause of conflict was Sarah’s inability or refusal to act as mother to her children.” Indeed, the LA Times column goes on to say that McGinniss suggests “that Palin’s “hockey mom” image is the most stage-managed sort of lie. “Friends recall,” McGinniss observes, “that when Todd was working on the North Slope, the children literally would have a hard time finding enough to eat. ‘Those kids had to fend for themselves,’ one says. ‘I’d walk into that kitchen and Bristol and Willow would be sitting there with a burnt pot of Kraft mac and cheese on the stove … and Sarah would be up in her bedroom with the door closed saying she didn’t want to be disturbed.'” Ouch! That is sure to leave a mark.

But McGinniss was not finished there. The LA Times says that McGinniss also writes that “when Catherine Taylor, the Palins’ next-door neighbor, squawks about their decision to cut a road across her property, “Todd told her, very plainly, that Sarah was mayor and they could do whatever they wanted, and it would be a mistake for her to try to stop them,” while a man named Dewey Taylor (no relationship to Catherine Taylor) has his truck window shot out after delivering chairs to McGinniss’ house.

The New York Times reports that McGinniss even writes of the theory that Sarah Palin may not be the mother of her youngest son, Trig. He calls into question “the circumstances under which he was born. Mr. McGinniss puts forth a provocative case for doubting Ms. Palin’s account of Trig’s birth, which involved a round trip between Alaska and Texas while she was supposedly in labor.” McGinniss then concludes by writing,

The time has come to strike the tent, no matter how much my book sales might benefit from a Palin presidential campaign in 2012, I sincerely hope that the whole extravaganza, which has been unblushingly underwritten by a mainstream media willing to gamble the nation’s future in exchange for the cheap thrill of watching a clown in high heels on a flying trapeze, is nearing the end of its run.

The Palin response to the book so far? Politico reports that “[i]n a statement to reporters, Todd Palin described the book as “disgusting lies, innuendo, and smears.”‘ The First Dude also said, “This is a man who has been relentlessly stalking my family to the point of moving in right next door to us to harass us and spy on us to satisfy his creepy obsession with my wife.”

We have not yet heard a direct response from Sarah Palin, but feel free to hold your breath. We all know from past experience that the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska is incapable of ignoring criticism. It will only be a matter of minutes before she posts some sort of assault on either Facebook or Twitter. She simply cannot help herself.

In honor of the troops, please click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH3TvSxT288

PAPERBACK WRITER II

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my book?
It took me months to write while I had a look
All of those things that I could see and hear
I put them in my book and I’m gonna be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Its a dirty story of a dirty clan
Led by Sarah Palin and her “First Dude” man
I learned so much by reading through their mail
They’re a seedy mob but its fun to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s a thousand pages give or take a few,
It has some photos I took from my scenic view.
I must admit the Palins never do smile
They just sulked around in plain site of this paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I loved all the fighting I could hear at night
It wafted through the fence despite its massive height.
You’ll learn all about them so please have no fear,
They will quiver and quake but I’m gonna be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Palins Await Levi Johnston Tell-All

We have been wondering for months when Levi Johnston’s tell-all tome about Sarah Palin would emerge. Until now, all we had to go on was an interview with Johnston which appeared last year in New York Magazine. At the time, Levi said he was working on a memoir that would air the true story of the Palin household. “They’re never around each other,” Johnston said of Sarah and Todd. “It’s like they hate each other but they don’t want anyone to know it. I think they were gonna get a divorce, but then they were like, ‘Let’s not prove them right.’  I’ve never seen them sleep in the same room, he’s always on this little recliner. For years, they never really talked.” He also told the magazine that he’s not surprised Palin is cashing in. “When she lost, I knew exactly what she was gonna do,” he says. “The whole time she was getting big-money offers for book and TV shows. I was like, All right, she’s gonna pick that up. It was just a matter of time before she quit. I know everything there is to know about her,” Johnston adds. “She’s so fake. But she’s so good at it, too. She’s amazing at it. If I didn’t know it, I wouldn’t know the difference.”

Then, back in April of this year, it was announced that the book would be titled “Dear In The Headlights: My Life In Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs”. Johnston’s manager Tank Johnston told Radar Online, “Levi is going to talk about everybody, including Sarah Palin, and the rest of the family”. It was reported that the book would include stories about his former fiance and mother of his child, Bristol Palin as well. It was also reported that the book will include previously unreleased photos and stories of his intimate, rocky, suddenly public life with the Palins.

Soon thereafter, Bristol Palin released her own book in which she brazenly attacked Levi Johnston. Bristol said that her virginity was “stolen” by Levi one night while she was drunk on wine coolers during a camping trip (Hmm, wonder if that’s where the name Tripp came from?). She does not use the word “rape”, so we must deduce that the tryst was consensual. Nonetheless, she goes on to write, “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions.” Those bad decisions continued however, because she then tells us that she was later surprised to learn that she was pregnant at 17 years old despite the fact that she “had been on birth control.”

Bristol Palin then described Johnston as a disloyal boyfriend who had “romps with other girls”. When confronted, he showered her with gifts, including Coach purses, Abercrombie clothing, and designer rain boots. In return, she forgave Johnston and started sleeping with him again with the hope that he would stop cheating. “It was part ‘thank you,’ part ‘security deposit,” she wrote. Bristol even went so far as to ridicule Levi Johnston’s intelligence. She pointedly made fun of his grammar and misspellings in notes to her. This is particularly humorous when you consider that it is being said by a high school drop-out who required the help of a co-writer for her memoir.

The Bristol Palin accusations are sure to have sharpened the pencil of Levi for his book which is due to be released in a week or two. Indeed, the Wall Street Journal reports that according to a copy of the book obtained by the Associated press, “Bristol’s teenage pregnancy was intentional and Sarah Palin wanted to adopt the couple’s child to “avoid scandal” but the young couple would not allow it.” Gossip Center reports that the book says that “Bristol was so angered by her mother, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s 2008 pregnancy with her Trig, that she actually convinced the Playgirl to get her pregnant as revenge a month before her mom’s due date.”

Will Levi truly go on the attack in his book and reveal some blockbuster Palin dirty laundry? Will he describe a true day-in-the-life of the Wasilla Hillbillies? Will he end, once and for all, Sarah Palin’s hopes for elected office? Let’s hope so. In the meantime, all we can do is wait for the book’s release.

In honor of the troops, today’s song parody musically illustrates the intriguing Sarah Palin/Levi Johnston relationship. Remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

The Ballad Of John And Yoko song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t3oaPNJieg

THE BALLAD OF SARAH AND LEVI (PART IV)

(Sung to the Beatles song “The Ballad of John and Yoko”)

Posing in a condo in New York,
Levi about to remove his pants
He now has a knack
To annoy SarahPAC
Yet most of them will still want to take a glance

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
To play second fiddle,
To the Caribou-Barbie.

Sarah claims that she is embarrassed
Really, she just envies his fame
Katie Couric did say,
“Is your head made of clay?”
“And can you point out some newspapers by name?”.

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
Those interviews on TV.
Reviews were not glowing
For the brain-dead Sarah P.

Levi’s camped-out in the Hollywood Hilton,
Media folks want him to speak
The newspapers said,
“What’s going on in your head?”
He said , “my book is gonna be a good read”

Christ you know Levi’s teasing,
His book will earn him a fee
And he loves annoying
His mother-in-law to be

Earning every penny for a rainy day,
Starring in his book is “Baby T”,
Know what Sarah said?
“Soon he will be dead!”
But then she will be haunted by his ghost – Think!

Maybe she’ll have Levi arrested.
Palin dignity in free-fall.
Young Bristol will claim,
“He’s stealing my fame,”
“He really has no talent at all”

Christ you know she’s so sleazy
She lies so effortlessly
But Levi is going,
To crucify Sarah P.

How did Mac choose Sarah to begin with?
She is just a political hack.
A dumb “hockey mom”,
That can’t think and chew gum.
Why didn’t he select “Joe Sixpack?”

Christ she makes us uneasy.
In Yiddish we say, “Oy Vey.”
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.

Conservative Pundits Assail GOP Candidates (and Levi Shuffles)

The BusinessInsider.com has posted a nice little summary of what conservative pundits and the Republican intelligentsia (for what that is worth) think of the current cast of characters vying for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination. It is not pretty.

Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer and Weekly Standard editor William Kristol are both looking for another candidate to enter the race because they believe that none of the current crop including Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry or Mitt Romney stand a chance of defeating Barack Obama. Krauthammer and Kristol waned either Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels or Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan to run. However, each of those men has publicly stated that they do not intend to seek the nomination. They join Florida Gov. Jeb Bush and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie as other favorites of the conservative elite who have decided to remain on the sidelines.

Ramesh Ponnuru, the senior editor of the National Review says, “It becomes a Perry vs. Romney race. A lot of conservatives are going to find that unsatisfactory. You’ll probably have more people staying neutral than ever.”

But Politico‘s Jonathan Martin and Ben Smith have put it best. They frankly state that “To many conservative elites, Rick Perry is a dope, Michele Bachmann is a joke, and Mitt Romney is a fraud.”

Well said gentlemen. Well said.

Another political bombshell was dropped this week in Alaska. No, Sarah Palin has not stopped her spotlight-seeking game of dithering over her own intentions to seek the Presidency. But someone very closely tied to her has made an announcement about his political plans. Levi Johnston, the father of Palin’s grandson as well as her once and future son-in-law, has proclaimed that he is ending his candidacy for Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. You could say that the former two-time fiance and virginity thief of daughter Bristol Palin is “pulling out” for the first time. His manager Tank Jones told Radar Online,
“He isn’t running. Levi doesn’t want the office of the Mayor to be a joke so he’s not going to do it now. He’s not going to run right now because there are a lot of issues he would need to study up on, and he thinks that this isn’t the right time for him. He is focusing on his book that is coming out September 20.”
If you simply cannot wait that long for Levi’s book and need an immediate Johnston fix, simply buy this month’s issue of Playboy. No, Levi has not posed nude once again like Massachusetts’ Republican Sen. Scott Brown. This time it is his sister Mercede Johnston that has elected to bare her soul amongst other things in the adult periodical.

What in the wide, wide world of politics will we be exposed to next?

We just love it when we get to blow off the dust and bring out one of our old song parody chestnuts once again.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Lido Shuffle song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s8l75Oxf1U&feature=related

LEVI SHUFFLE

(sung to the Boz Scaggs song “Lido Shuffle”)

Levi missed the vote
That day he caught some flack
Sarah was so damned pissed
But she was just a hack

At a Juneau bar
Drinkin’ from a jar, he heard a pop
She had enough
Good Ol’ Sarah fired a shot

He ran downtown, Sarah had an angry frown, an a-hole
He said, “One more jab oughta get her”
“Since she quit, things are better”
“Now hit the road !”

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh
Was Bristol’s honey, now he’s her foe
Levi’s fixin’ to make some dough

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
He took one more stab at poor Sarah
“What’s with all that mascara?”
Now she’ll hit the road

Levi’s a dumb one
Havin’ great big fun rockin’ Palin’s boat
Dishin’ out all those low blows
For her, he will not vote

Palin’s flying ‘neath the tree-line
Levi in her sight line, goin’ for broke
Sayin’ “One good shot oughta do it”
“Take this bullet and chew it”
“I’ll just lock and load!”

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh
He’s for the money, he’s for the show
He’s Bristol Palin’s former beau

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Palin should just forget it
But she just doesn’t get it
One mean horny toad!

Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh
He’s for the money, he’s for the show
He’s Bristol Palin’s former beau
Levi, Whoa oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Sunday Morning Coffee (or Tea) – 85

Just a few newsworthy items (and comments thereon) that have been making their way through the political universe this past week but may have escaped your attention. Please ponder and maybe chuckle a bit before enjoying a wonderful day!

BREAKING NEWS:  Has anybody noticed that Fox News has reported on the Rupert Murdoch scandal far less than any other cable television station? Could that be because Murdoch owns Fox News?

THIS JUST IN:  The next time some right wing conservative tells you that Medicare must be abolished because it is unsustainable, please remind them that “over the program’s 75-year planning horizon is less than 0.4 percent of GDP. This is less than one quarter of the cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

BREAKING NEWS:  CNN reported that Democrats and Republicans squared off in the 50th annual Congressional Baseball Game at Nationals Park in Washington Thursday night. The Republicans never led in this one, falling to the Democrats 8-2 in front of more than 7,000 fans. How appropriate.

THIS JUST IN:  Moonbat-crazy Teapublican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced on Friday that she has quit her church. Bachmann, a Minnesota congresswoman, and her husband, Marcus, withdrew their membership from Salem Lutheran Church in Stillwater, Minnesota, last month, according to church officials. When asked about the Bachmanns leaving the church, Pastor Marcus Birkholz said, “I’ve been asked to make no comments regarding them and their family.” Have “the chickens come home to roost”?

BREAKING NEWS:  Business Insider reports that One of the most-respected and economically intelligent publications in the world, The Economist, has turned against the Republican party for its disgraceful behavior with respect to the US debt-ceiling negotiations. The Republicans, the Economist points out, would rather disrupt the US economy and put the country into default than compromise on a long-term deficit and debt reduction plan. This behavior is an abdication of the Republicans’ responsibilities as elected officials.  It puts the Republicans’ self-interest ahead of the country’s. The Republicans’ stance on the debt-ceiling has now gone so far, in fact, that the Republicans appear to be trying to disrupt the economy in order to improve their chances in the next elections, rather than address an economic crisis that threatens to affect millions of Americans. This is not practical or responsible. It’s also not patriotic. It’s traitorous. Jeesh The Economist, don’t sugar-coat it. Tell us how you really feel.

THIS JUST IN:  It was nice to learn that Democrat Janice Hahn easily won a congressional seat (recently vacated by Democrat Jane Harman) in California’s 36th District, fending off a special election challenge from Republican Craig Huey. So much for GOP momentum.

BREAKING NEWS:  Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich‘s campaign is over $1 million in debt. And this is the guy that was going to lead our nation out of its financial difficulties?

THIS JUST IN:  Here is moonbat-crazy Teapublican Michele Bachmann‘s gaffe of the week:

BREAKING NEWS:  Bristol Palin expects “more obnoxious lies” from Levi Johnston in his new book. Wow, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. Remember, Bristol Palin said her “virginity was stolen”.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taADLPtyDb0

PAPERBACK WRITER (BRISTOL VERSION)

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write while raising Tripp alone
It’s based on my life as a teen-aged quack
And a bunch of folks that I wanna attack as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
Do not expect too much from this school drop-out,
I can’t read too well but I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that my mom once told
It’s a real page-turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I tell a tall tale about camping one night
I drank wine coolers and got high as a kite.
Lost my virginity, yes let’s make that clear,
That sure gave me a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

Bristol Palin Releases A Juvenile Tell-All

If this isn’t just what America needs! Another Palin has attempted to write a book. First there was “Going Rogue: An American Life”, a ghostwritten memoir by Sarah Palin. That was followed by the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska’s scrapbook of a mess titled, “America By Heart: Reflections Of Family, Faith and Flag”. Now we have daughter Bristol Palin’s “Not Afraid Of Life: My Journey So Far”. What is with these Palins and their affinity for sub-titles anyway?

Bristol Palin of course, is the one-time high school drop-out and one-time unwed pregnant teen-aged daughter of Sarah and Todd Palin. During her campaign for vice president, Sarah often referred to her as the brave daughter who would soon be married to her longtime boyfriend so that the two of them would raise their child in loving harmony. Indeed, the wedding announcement was made before a televised audience. Of course none of that happened. Shortly after Palin’s campaign collapsed, so did Bristol and Levi’s wedding engagement.

After the break-up, Bristol accepted a high paying job with the Candies Foundation to speak out against teen pregnancy of all things. Only in America. She is getting lucratively paid to tell teens not to do exactly what she did. Yikes, talk about shutting the barn door after the horse has escaped!

Like her mom, Bristol has also taken to the world of reality television series. Last year she appeared on Dancing With The Stars and was surrounded with the ever-present Palin aura of controversy. It was alleged that despite her poor dancing skills and the judges’ low scoring, Bristol was not voted off the show by the audience as the result of a well orchestrated effort by Sarah Palin supporters. She was ultimately deemed to be a loser by the show’s judges. As an encore, it was recently announced that Bristol will now be appearing in yet another reality series. This time, the single mom will be shacking up with two male friends in a Los Angeles apartment while raising her son and working for a charity. How realistic is that?

Bristol is truly living the life of the typical unwed mother of a small child. A lucrative spoke-person’s contract, a starring role in two television series, a condominium in Alaska and a brand new home in Arizona and now the author of a memoir of her very own. That is certainly a lot more than most 20 year old single parents could handle. Bristol Palin is truly remarkable.

But what about the book you ask? Well, in short, it is nothing more than the transcription of a female adolescent mind’s gripe session. Bristol does to her friends and associates in this book, what her mother has done to so many of her own in her memoir. She stabs them in the back.

She blasts John McCain’s daughter Meghan by saying she is “self-obsessed” and reveals that after meeting her, Bristol felt she “might need to watch my back”. She portrays John McCain’s wife as looking “like a queen” and holding herself “like royalty”, not to mention having “never seen people with so much Louis Vuitton luggage, so many cell phones, and so many constant helpers to do her hair and makeup.”

Bristol even snipes at the other contestants on Dancing With The Stars. She writes, “I noticed some of the contestants rolled their eyes when they realized we’d survived to dance another day.”

Her sharpest attacks are, not surprisingly, directed at her two-time fiance and the father of her child. Levi Johnston has probably heard all this bad-mouthing from her already, but now the rest of America is on the scoop. First Bristol tells us that her virginity was “stolen” by Levi one night while she was drunk on wine coolers during a camping trip (Hmm, wonder if that’s where the name Tripp came from?). She does not use the word “rape”, so we must deduce that the tryst was consensual. Nonetheless, she goes on to write, “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions.” Those bad decisions continued however, because she then tells us that she was later surprised to learn that she was pregnant at 17 years old despite the fact that she “had been on birth control.”

She then describes Johnston as a disloyal boyfriend who had “romps with other girls”. When confronted, he showered her with gifts, including Coach purses, Abercrombie clothing, and designer rain boots. In return, she forgave Johnston and started sleeping with him again with the hope that he would stop cheating. “It was part ‘thank you,’ part ‘security deposit,” she writes. Bristol even goes so far as to ridicule Levi Johnston’s intelligence. She pointedly makes fun of his grammar and misspellings in notes to her. This is particularly humorous when you consider that it is being said by a high school drop-out who required the help of a co-writer for her memoir.

Don’t worry too much about Levi Johnston however, because his very own “tell all” memoir will be hitting a Barnes & Noble near you this autumn.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s song parody.

Paperback Writer song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taADLPtyDb0

PAPERBACK WRITER (BRISTOL VERSION)

(sung to the Beatles song “Paperback Writer”)

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Dear Todd and Sarah, will you read my tome?
It took a year to write while raising Tripp alone
It’s based on my life as a teen-aged quack
And a bunch of folks that I wanna attack as a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

A book of topics that I want a say on,
Which I wrote with finger-paints and a crayon.
Do not expect too much from this school drop-out,
I can’t read too well but I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

It’s got twenty pages give or take a few,
And it has some pictures that Piper drew.
I threw in an old joke that my mom once told
It’s a real page-turner and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer

I tell a tall tale about camping one night
I drank wine coolers and got high as a kite.
Lost my virginity, yes let’s make that clear,
That sure gave me a boost and now I can be a paperback writer.
Paperback writer

Paperback writer (paperback writer)

Paperback writer – paperback writer
Paperback writer – paperback writer
(fading)

The Palin’s Have Become The Kardashians

The Kardashian family is the purest example of fame for fame’s sake alone that this great nation of ours can lay claim to. Think of it for a moment. Nobody would have ever heard of any of the Kardashians if O.J. Simpson had not retained Robert Kardashian as part of his “dream team” of legal eagles to defend him in his murder trial. At the time, what was most notable about Kardashian was not his legal expertise, but the fact that he had not practiced law in over 20 years and had allowed his license to practice law to expire. Did he inspire a nation with his legal acumen in the Simpson case? Not so much. He merely sat next to Simpson during the trial while the real lawyers successfully defended the former football star.

Somehow, a star was born. From that point onward anyone with the name Kardashian became an overnight celebrity without having demonstrated any sort of expertise in any field whatsoever. Oldest daughter Kourtney was completely unknown and unaccomplished until she began appearing on television reality shows such as Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Daughter Kim Kardashian followed suit. She too was virtually unknown and unaccomplished until she performed in a widely distributed sex tape with her boyfriend and appeared in the reality television series Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Kim Take New York and Dancing with The Stars. Daughter Khloe Kardashian is also only known for the reality television series Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and Khloe and Lamar (along with husband Lamar Odom of the Los Angeles Lakers) as well as for being arrested and jailed for driving under the influence of alcohol. Son Robert, Jr. has done nothing but appear in the series Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Khloe and Lamar.

Despite their nonexistent achievements, nary a day can pass without media attention on at least one of the Kardashians. Is there any other American family that has accomplished so little yet gained so much fame? The answer is a resounding, “Yes”! The Palins of Wasilla Alaska.

Prior to that late summer day in 2008 when she was named as Republican John McCain’s vice presidential running mate, nobody south of Alaska had ever heard of Sarah Palin. That anonymity ended suddenly however, with the folksy and educationally-challenged Palin’s disastrous series of televised interviews and her inept debate performance. Her fiery stump speeches were heavily laden with one-liners but glaringly short on substance. Consequently, she and McCain were defeated soundly in the 2008 election. Nevertheless, she was considered to be physically attractive enough to catch the attention of similarly uneducated conservative men and members of the media such that she became an overnight celebrity sensation.

After losing the election, Sarah Palin began to get a taste for fame and a similar distaste for the serious world of politics. She promptly quit her position as Governor of Alaska after having served only half of one term. Since then she has had her memoir and another book ghost-written and she has embarked on two nationwide book-signing tours. She joined the lucrative speaking circuit and she has teased about a possible run for the presidency. She has joined the employ of Fox News as a commentator and she has plastered the internet tubes with Facebook postings and Twitter tweets about almost every thought that enters her tiny little head. She even appeared in her very own short-lived reality television series. Sarah Palin has become a lucrative media industry unto herself.

Her family has followed suit, also too. The tabloid magazines love to cover every Palin family trial and tribulation, and there are many. There were the drug related arrests of husband Todd’s half-sister and once-and-future son in law Levi Johnston’s mother. There was Levi Johnston’s quick rise and fall from fame as a Playboy model and potential reality television star. There were the profanity-laced Facebook tirades of two of the young Palin daughters. There was the Palin family’s attempts to have Sarah’s former brother-in-law fired as an Alaskan State Trooper. There was the alleged affair between Todd Palin and an Alaskan prostitute. All of this and we have not even mentioned Bristol yet.

Bristol Palin of course, is the one-time unwed pregnant teen daughter and high school drop-out of Sarah and Todd. During her campaign for vice president, Sarah often referred to her as the brave daughter who would soon be married to her longtime boyfriend so that the two of them would raise their child in loving harmony. Indeed, the wedding announcement was made before a televised audience. Of course none of that happened. Shortly after Palin’s campaign collapsed, so did Bristol and Levi’s wedding engagement.

After the break-up, Levi agreed to model for Playboy Magazine and Bristol accepted a high paying job with the Candies Foundation to speak out against teen pregnancy of all things. Only in America. She is getting lucratively paid to tell teens not to do exactly what she did. There have been recent rumors that at the young age of 22, Bristol has had elective plastic surgery. Like her mom, she also announced that she has been paid by a publisher to write a book. Also like her mom, Bristol has taken to the world of reality television series. Last year she appeared on Dancing With The Stars and was surrounded with the ever-present Palin aura of controversy. It was alleged that despite her poor dancing skills and the judges’ low scoring, Bristol was not voted off the show by the audience as the result of a well orchestrated effort by Sarah Palin supporters. As an encore, it was announced yesterday that Bristol will now be appearing in yet another reality series.

CNN reports, “The BIO Channel announced today that they will air 10 half-hour episodes of a currently untitled Bristol Palin/Massey brothers docu-series. The new program will center around Palin and her son Tripp’s move to Los Angeles, where they will live with actor Kyle Massey and his brother Christopher.”  David McKillop, executive vice president of programming for the A&E Network and BIO Channel, said “Bristol is the kind of personality BIO is drawn to. Her personal life has been playing out in the media for several years but this will be the first time she’s opening up her real life, with her son and her friends the Massey Brothers.”

The Palins are now officially the next Kardashians.

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Dancing Queen song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y62OlGvC-bk

DANCING QUEEN

(sung to the ABBA song “Dancing Queen”)

She can dance, she’ll connive, someday she’ll be Levi’s wife
(Ooooh)
Scheming girl, pregnant teen, she is the dancing queen

Not too bright and her sights set low
Stepping out just to earn some dough
Where they play right-wing music, sporting her new bling
Let’s pray that she don’t sing

Baby Tripp is right by her side
Sarah Palin mulls suicide
First Dude, he’s sure to lose it. Here comes Palin decline
There’ll be no second chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, seeking green from the cash machine
(Oh yeah)
She’ll enhance her sex drive, and prove that she is pro-life
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen

She’s a teaser, she leads boys on
Never makes them put condoms on
She’s the unwed teen mother soon to make Baby Two
She loves to take a chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, indiscrete on the TV screen
(Oh yeah)
What’s the chance she’ll survive? Should have been gone by Round 5?
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen
Bristol’s the dancing queen

Palin Publications Are A Poppin’

If you have not had your fill of all things Sarah Palin since she was unwisely selected as the Republican Vice Presidential nominee back in 2008, do not worry. In the very near future at least four Palin books will be released. Unfortunately for the former ex-quitting half-term Governor of Alaska, each of the books is likely to cast her in a negative and unflattering light. TheWeek.com describes each of the tomes as follows:

1. The Lies of Sarah Palin: The Untold Story Behind Her Relentless Quest for Power, by Geoffrey Dunn
Dunn, a California-based writer and documentarian, says he was moved to write the book after hearing “troubling” stories from Alaskans about Palin’s life. Dunn focuses on her career in Alaska politics, placing it in the context of a corrupt political culture and the larger tradition of American populism and “demagoguery.” The first book in the queue, it is set for a May 10 release by publisher St. Martin’s Press.

2. Blind Allegiance, by Frank Bailey and Jeanne Devon
Bailey is a disgruntled former top aide to Palin, and Devon is the anti-Palin blogger behind The Mudflats. In a rough copy of the book that leaked online in February, Bailey quotes heavily from unflattering emails written by Palin. But while the book paints Palin as a vindictive, petty, self-obessed lightweight, it also spends lots of time on Alaska politics, potentially limiting its general appeal. After struggling to find a publisher, Bailey signed with Simon & Schuster earlier this month. Blind Allegiance comes out May 24.

3. The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin, by Joe McGinniss
McGinniss, an investigative journalist, infamously moved in next door to the Palins last summer while researching his book. McGinniss calls The Rogue a “startling and penetrating examination of the illusion and reality of Sarah Palin,” and he has “signaled that his book will focus on the mother of all Palin conspiracy theories,” says Kenneth Vogel at Politico: That Palin didn’t really give birth to her youngest child, Trig. McGinniss says that while he personally is “a Trignostic,” his research raised some interesting questions. “But my lips are sealed until September,” when Crown publishes the book, he teases.

4. Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, by Levi Johnston
“Levi is going to talk about everybody, including Sarah Palin, and the rest of the family,” manager Tank Johnson tells Radar Online. That includes former fiancee Bristol Palin, the mother of their son. Published by Touchtsone, Johnston’s book will also include previously unreleased photos and stories of his intimate, rocky, suddenly public life with the Palins. Will it live up to expectations? “I did get to talk to Johnston off the record at one point,” notes Palin critic Andrew Sullivan at The Daily Beast. “I look forward to the book and hope he tells it exactly like it was.”

Lynnrockets looks forward to the release of all of these books, but one in particular has the potential to be the most damaging to Sarah Palin. Inasmuch as he was truly part of their inner circle, Levi Johnston may have been exposed to the juiciest details of the Palin Family Circus. It remains to be seen however, if he is willing to candidly spill the beans on his once-future wife and in-laws. Each of the Palins has said some pretty nasty things about Johnston. The ball is now in Levi’s court. Will he serve an ace? Let’s hope so.

Please take at a look at my WRKO Boston talk radio-based blog also, too. It can be found here: Kevin’s Blog-A Liberal Dose of Reality.

In honor of the troops, today’s song parody musically illustrates the intriguing Sarah Palin/Levi Johnston relationship. Remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with the parody.

The Ballad Of John And Yoko song link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t3oaPNJieg

THE BALLAD OF SARAH AND LEVI (PART IV)

(Sung to the Beatles song “The Ballad of John and Yoko”)

Posing in a condo in New York,
Levi about to remove his pants
He now has a knack
To annoy SarahPAC
Yet most of them will still want to take a glance

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
To play second fiddle,
To the Caribou-Barbie.

Sarah claims that she is embarrassed
Really, she just envies his fame
Katie Couric did say,
“Is your head made of clay?”
“And can you point out some newspapers by name?”.

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
Those interviews on TV.
Reviews were not glowing
For the brain-dead Sarah P.

Levi’s camped-out in the Hollywood Hilton,
Media folks want him to speak
The newspapers said,
“What’s going on in your head?”
He said , “my book is gonna be a good read”

Christ you know Levi’s teasing,
His book will earn him a fee
And he loves annoying
His mother-in-law to be

Earning every penny for a rainy day,
Starring in his book is “Baby T”,
Know what Sarah said?
“Soon he will be dead!”
But then she will be haunted by his ghost – Think!

Maybe she’ll have Levi arrested.
Palin dignity in free-fall.
Young Bristol will claim,
“He’s stealing my fame,”
“He really has no talent at all”

Christ you know she’s so sleazy
She lies so effortlessly
But Levi is going,
To crucify Sarah P.

How did Mac choose Sarah to begin with?
She is just a political hack.
A dumb “hockey mom”,
That can’t think and chew gum.
Why didn’t he select “Joe Sixpack?”

Christ she makes us uneasy.
In Yiddish we say, “Oy Vey.”
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.
We’d love to replace her
With our good friend, Tina Fey.

Things We Learned About The Clampetts, Err Palins From DWTS

Bristol Palin is the Missing Link

Ding dong the witch is dead. We knew it could not go on forever. We knew that at some point Bristol Palin would be dumped from “Dancing With The Stars”. Just the same, we will miss the contestant that was a star only as the result of her status as being a former unwed pregnant teen. Bristol’s presence on the show gave the nation another point of contact with America’s most notorious reality television-based family. And we learned a number of things during her tenure such as…

  1. Sarah Palin is likely to get booed whenever she appears before an audience that has not been hand-picked and stocked full of Tea-Baggers;
  2. Bristol enjoyed publicly embarrassing “Mama Bear” by choosing songs that were thinly veiled insults at Sarah’s parenting skills (or lack thereof) and her unwed teen pregnancy (i.e. “Mama Told Me Not To Come” and “You Can’t Hurry Love”);
  3. Palinbots will game the system and support the Palin family in whatever endeavor they choose to pursue regardless of talent or taste;
  4. Bristol embraced the Palin-denied “Theory of Evolution” when she donned her anthropomorphic gorilla costume;
  5. Sarah Palin’s sex-obsession regarding her children has no limits, as was evidenced by her concern that Bristol might perform a stripper’s “lap dance” on national television;
  6. Bristol does not vote;
  7. Bristol believed that if she won the contest, “it would be like giving the big middle finger to the people that hate her mother” and her;
  8. Sarah thought that husband Todd would have been a better contestant on the show because ballroom dancing is apparently within his “comfort zone” but not Bristol’s; and
  9. Sarah was correct. Bristol cannot dance.

Bristol, we hardly knew ye. But fear not loyal Lynnrockets readers, we still have one Palin related reality show in progress and one more in the production stages. “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” is presently airing on TLC and consequently we will get a weekly dose of her invading the privacy of her neighbors (author/antagonist Joe McGinniss), lying about reading and researching and generally misinforming most Americans about the state of Alaska. Additionally, we can look forward to the insane antics of Levi Johnston as he runs for mayor of Wasilla before our very own television-peeping eyes. Perhaps Sarah will instruct Todd and his buddies to drill another spy hole through her fence so that she can keep track of her once and future son-in-law. Speaking of Track, how long will it be before the prodigal son gets his own reality show?

Stay tuned. Same Rocket channel! Same Rocket time!

Please remember to click on the song link below to familiarize yourselves with the tune and to have more fun singing along with today’s topical song parody.

Dancing Queen song link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y62OlGvC-bk

DANCING QUEEN

(sung to the ABBA song “Dancing Queen”)

She can dance, she’ll connive, someday she’ll be Levi’s wife
(Ooooh)
Scheming girl, pregnant teen, she is the dancing queen

Not too bright and her sights set low
Stepping out just to earn some dough
Where they play right-wing music, sporting her new bling
Let’s pray that she don’t sing

Baby Tripp is right by her side
Sarah Palin mulls suicide
First Dude, he’s sure to lose it. Here comes Palin decline
There’ll be no second chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, seeking green from the cash machine
(Oh yeah)
She’ll enhance her sex drive, and prove that she is pro-life
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen

She’s a teaser, she leads boys on
Never makes them put condoms on
She’s the unwed teen mother soon to make Baby Two
She loves to take a chance
Let’s all watch Bristol dance…

Bristol’s the dancing queen, two left feet, unwed pregnant teen
Dancing queen, indiscrete on the TV screen
(Oh yeah)
What’s the chance she’ll survive? Should have been gone by Round 5?
(Ooooh)
Bristol girl, on TV, she is the dancing queen
Bristol’s the dancing queen

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